Customer Reviews

Future War

5 star:		(7)
4 star:		(0)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(4)
1 star:		(15)

 

 

Apparently, Ed Wood was still alive as recently as 1996 using the alias "Anthony Doublin" while directing the completely INSANE "Future War". Right away, one would assume that this film somehow involves some sort of warfare, taking place in some latter time period? Well, no, because by making that assumption, one also mistakenly assumes that sensible people wrote, directed, acted, or even catered this production. Actually, this film takes place in present-day Los Angeles.

I learned a lot from this film. Having not been to L.A. in decades, I was rather surprised to learn that the place is now largely deserted and dominated by cardboard box storage houses. Either that, or this film was funded by the Georgia-Pacific company. Also, judging by the title, I've learned that a "War" is not limited to armies of thousands, but can also be defined by a couple of overweight guys in leather and facepaint with some styrofoam dinosaurs chasing a guy that likes to stretch his eyelids and lips to their limits whenever possible.

Daniel Bernhardt (a poor man's Van Damme!) is a human slave who escapes his cyborg captors and winds up in the empty part of L.A. The cyborgs aren't going to let him go, so they go down and chase him around with their quite non-agile dinosaurs (I'm not sure if the cyborgs owned the dinosaurs or stole them from a miniature golf course). Luckily, it takes little effort to defeat these dinosaurs in combat (Bernhardt probably had to pull his punches and kicks, since styrofoam can split quite easily).

And on to the legendary fight between Bernhardt and a cyborg played by Robert Z'Dar (the film's best and most accomplished actor!). Bernhardt runs past some empty cardboard boxes... Z'Dar powerfully breaks through that mighty barrier; Bernhardt in an incredible display of strength and dexterity, heaves a box at Z'Dar, who is equally up to the challenge! Man, if an empty cardboard box can't bring him down, what can? Bernhardt runs through more boxes and... and... well, I leave the rest of the fight to your imagination, I don't want to spoil it.

The bulk of the film has to do with Bernhardt meeting a groovy nun and a couple other people and avoiding more cyborgs and police officers played by actors and scripted to act pretty much the opposite of how actual police officers act when faced with a dinosaur (which alternates between 6 and 25 feet tall depending on the take) or a nun and a dopey guy. I'm not entirely sure how the movie ended, my DVD spit it out before that. I think it was because the previous DVD I had in there was "Raging Bull", and the resulting massive shock from following it up with "Future War" caused a malfunction.

Oh, my, this is one bad movie. Martial arts hero Daniel Bernhardt is simply awful as a "runaway" from the future who comes back to Earth, which his people think is really "heaven." There he joins up with a renegade nun and some hood boys to take on dinosaur trackers and cyborgs who have come to take him back. Special effects are atrocious, the whole cast is terrible and this movie is a complete waste of time. Avoid at all costs.

This film was featured in an episode of "Mystery Science Theater 3000," and one viewing will show you why. The plot is simple: a runaway slave (Bernhardt) escapes from a spaceship to Earth, pursued by his cyborg masters and their dinosaur trackers. On the way he (literally) runs into a novice nun who is a former prostitute and drug addict. She helps him hide from the hunters, and he helps her sort out a crisis of faith. Along the way there are bad special effects, cheesy forced-perspective dinosaur puppets (held close to the camera, they seem massive), and diabolical acting.

In spite of it all, this movie manages to transcind itself and become funny. The fight sequences are a riot, and the special effects are as good for laughs as anything "Dark Shadows" or the original "Star Trek" ever produced. And all in all, the storyline isn't any worse than that of "Jurassic Park" or "Star Wars"; the biggest failing is the low budget and too much reliance on fight scenes to carry the action. If you're looking for a film to pass the time or entertain friends, this one will do the trick ... especially for fans of the "Soap Opera Game" or Mystery Science Theater watchers who want to see the original movie uncut.

In March 2001, I became a loyal fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000. (The first episode I saw was "Puma Man") Well, the first time I saw this horrible film on MST3K, I nearly died laughing! It is probably the most hilarious episode of MST3K in their final season. (Great commentary by Mike and the 'bots) The main synopsis of this putrid filth on film is that these dinos with exploding collers are sent to the future to kill humans and something else involving cyborgs. A Jeane-Claude Van Damme look-alike named Runaway is sent back in time to present day LA and meets up with a prostitute/druggie turned nun who lives in the house of the obese. Runaway then ends up in a crate factory where he confronts this cyborg who actually looks like an insane version of Alan Jackson (Tom Servo makes a point of this) They kickbox each other in a badly choreographed fight, which they end up doing again at the end where Runaway's shirt falls off of him (This scene was the stinger for the MST3K episode) The dinosaurs obviously look plasic, the story goes no where fast, the acting is some of the worst I have ever seen, the pathetic attempt at suspence and drama just falls flat on its face and the cyborg dude is a dumb.... On the big plus side, the stupidy of this film offered tons of hilarious dialogue for Mike and the 'bots and now is one of my favorite episodes. If you have to see this movie, you have to see the MST3K version! I promise you, you won't regret it. (However, for all you MSTies out there, you'll have to catch it on the Sci-Fi channel and tape it because so far it is not available on video or DVD)

I first saw this movie by way of MST3K and I couldn't believe how silly and funny it was-unintentionally so,of course.There are no top-notch actors in this,but plenty of bad effects though..No budget,bad acting,bad dialogue,zero effects-everything you want in a bad movie!! Recommended for lovers of bad movies...See the MST3K version first,if you can,then get this...

WOW! That's all I can say after watching this ridiculous movie. This one is right up there (or down there, depending on how you look at it) with R.O.T.O.R. and Supersonic Man when it comes to the pantheon of bad movies. A few good things about this movie. I learned that Los Angeles is the cardboard box capitol of the world. The boxes are everywhere in this film. I learned why L.A. has problems with drought and has to get its water from northern California.....the water system there is built out of wooden pallets!! WHen the "actors" venture into the sewers to kill the foam rubber dinosaurs the sewers are built of wooden pallets. It probably leaks all the drinking water right back into the ground! Bad acting, horrible special effects and the worst knock off of the police station scene in the first Terminator movie I have ever seen. If you like bad movies this stinker is for you!

Have you ever seen this movie on television before? I saw it on Mystery Science Theater 3000, and I pray that this where it shall only be seen. Why do people produce movies like this? Of course, there exist a few known answers to this question. One is money, another is the intentional stupidity on the part of the filmmakers, i.e. trying to make it ridiculous. But "Future War" doesn't seem to belong to these two branches. No audience will be satisfied by this, not even Action movie buffs, so the prospect of monetary gain can be thrown out the window. It can not be intentionally stupid either, for those kinds of movies are absurd from the first scene to the last, and this movie seems to have scant attempts at human drama. So what is the excuse? An Accident? Good intentions that went horribly wrong? A bad experiment in trying to connect [bad] science fiction with other genres like Action and Drama? I suppose the best answer is that there isn't one. If you don't take my word for it, just listen to the brilliant story, such as it is: A man aptly named Runaway (Daniel Bernhardt), who looks, speaks, fights, and growls like actor Jean-Claude Van Damme, escapes from his desolate "future", accidentally finding solace in our modern era. He is befriended by a former-prostitute-turned-nun who helps the poser learn English. She then listens to Runaway's bizarre tales, primarily concerning his "futuristic origin". Naturally, she does not believe Runaway at first, but it is rather difficult to dismiss his claims after being chased by what can only be described as Dinosaurs with exploding metal collars. The duo join forces with what can only be described as the local gang and set out to demolish the Saurians once and for all. This proves to be quite simple, until Cyborg Master (Robert Z'Dar from "Return to Frogtown") arrives to show Runaway what pain truly feels like. Fighting ensues, it thankfully ends, and one is left confused and speechless. Like another film I reviewed entitled "Neon Maniacs", which is easily on the 10 Worst Films ever made, the driving question of "Future War" can strangely be summed up with one word: Why? Why did Runaway have to depart from his "future"? Was it really "the future"? If Runaway is from our "future", then why does he point to the sky when talking about his origin? Is Runaway trying to grunt the idea that he is from the "future" of another world? Why is this never fully expounded upon? Why does Daniel Bernhardt happen to be a blantant clone of Jean-Claude Van Damme? Why does Bernhardt speak like Van Damme? Also like Van Damme, why does Bernhardt make angry growls after every single punch and kick he bestows upon his enemy? Why is there a subplot involving a reformed prostitute-turned-nun? Why is there a single attempt at character development in a film that otherwise has none? Why is the acting so atrocious? Why does actor Robert Z'Dar always appear in horrible movies? Why are Dinosaurs pursuing Runaway? Once again, which "future" is Runaway from anyway? If Runaway is from Earth's "future", then why do Jurassic organisms follow him from it? If Runaway is from "elsewhere", are the Dinos supposed to be Space Saurians? Was Robert Z'Dar responsible for giving the cute Dinos those nasty exploding collars? Why didn't the T-Rex from Jurassic Park appear to show those Saurian puppets what a REAL Dinosaur looks like? Why does the local gang help Runaway combat the futuristic menace? Why not the horrid metal band GWAR instead? Would it make the movie any less incomprehensible? There is absolutely no meaning to this garbage. It simply goes nowhere. I am shocked and amazed that Van Damme hasn't sued Bernhardt for stealing his image on every level. Yet again, as described before, what audience would ever consciously make it to the end of this mess? The best choice is to leave this smoldering heap on the video shelf. It would be best not even to touch the box, as it may wear off on one's hands and cause 3rd degree burns. So, watch out for that Runaway! Daniel Bernhardt has lost his self-respect, and he's out to [get] yours! You have been warned.

FINAL RATING: 0 (Zero) Stars out of 5
FINAL GRADE: F
*Dishonorable Mention: Worst Action Star Clone - Bernhardt*

Why? What did we do to deserve this movie? This is without a doubt one of the most pointless pieces of drivel ever to hit the video store shelves. Why did they get on a train and abandon their friends with a dinosaur? Who knows? Did the train just go in a circle and take them back to where they lived? I guess. Why did the cops pick them up? Who cares? This movie was so bad I almost had an aneurysm. Please by no circumstances ever even think about watching this "movie". Unless it's on MST3K then, of course, it's hilarious. This movie is so bad I found myself adding in riffs that Mike and the `bots missed. Oh - a little bonus tip if you do buy this thing for some reason: save the box and make your own set just like in the film. Buy a $.99 rubber dinosaur and a pack of M-80s and you can make the sequel.

As you know, Sid the Elf has been a b expert for going on 16 years now. We are b conessuers, b enthusiasts, and most importantly b experts. Of course there are many many things that can make a movie b. Mystery Science Theatre doing the movie usally helps. They live in the b world. For some reason, throughout the years, one b quality has been most elusive and stood above the others in terms of making a movie more b than the competition: a plot that makes less sense than Santa's unwavering Brett obsession.

Try this one on for size. A spaceship is flying over Earth, an escape pod which contains a human slave kept by the cyborg aliens is displaced from the ship and crashes into the Pacific Ocean. The slave who is played by Dom-Claude Van Damme ends up in LA. Upon his escape, he is persued by the cyborg aliens and...ready for this? their trackers which happen to be prisoners from the way past, dinosaurs. No s**t. As soon as we read that in the description, movie selection was game over. So it's this guy and a chick he meets(a former postitute/drug addict turned nun. Seriously) vs. the cyborgs and dinosaurs. This is b so if u think the guy and nun don't win, you're kidding yourself.

With the MST crew cracking jokes and that ridiculous plot the only thing this baby needed to be a full show 5 cans was poor quality and bad fight scenes. It just so happens that Dom-Claude Van Damme is a kickboxing specialist just like his uncle so yeah there were at least 5 terrible fights including one against a Final Sacrifice goon with a cardboard thing on his head to make us think he was a cyborg. Good good great stuff. And the kicker for this flick: every one of the dinosaurs' scenes looked just like Quagmire's fake death video with a dash of Hobgoblins. Fantastic b. A must-see really.

I have a theory about this movie. Someone secretly got a hold of Jean Claude Van Damme's DNA, and decided to clone him. The result is our hero in this piece of dreck. A prostitute that becomes a nun, dinosaurs with exploding neck collars (to quote Tom Servo, "So that's how the dinosaurs became extinct.") and a feeling that this was filmed from a script written by Ed D. Wood Jr.