Customer Reviews

The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life

5 star:		(22)
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3 star:		(5)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(3)

 

 

Dr. Stern clearly illustrates how over time, a person's sense of self-worth can be invalidated and the person's perspective and sense of bearings nulled. It is difficult enough to respond when one is caught off-balance by a loud-mouth bully, a cut-you-downer invalidator or a sweet-talking used car salesman. Responding appropriately and eluding danger becomes a lot harder when the corrosive attack is masked. This is when the invalidation and destabilization happen at the same time that a number of the victim's needs are being fulfilled (e.g. praises, romance, a sense of belonging) . The victim may mistake the invalidation/ destabilization by the other person as mere bad habits that the attacker will eventually grow out of. There is also the hopeful wish that love and goodness will prevail over the attacker's bad behavior. When the imbalance is sustained long enough, when the victim's feelings or reasoning are continually belittled and ignored and the victim's resistance always presented as a statement of her deficiencies, then destabilization follows. The victim falls into a malaise from the loss of joy of life. She becomes drained of energy to fight and resist the sniping and bullying. The common-sense action to seek out truth from distortion (or even to tease and be playful) is overwhelmed by walking on eggshells and trying extremely hard not to upset someone.

This book does a good job in identifying the nuances of the problem, describing the stages of seduction/invalidation, and providing ways for one to re-orient, rejuvenate and find solutions out of the problem.

Sometimes when I read these books that do such a marvelous job of describing the interactions with abusive people and then try to give readers a 'clue' about how to continue contact with them, I get concerned.

I think the biggest destructive message you get when you are gaslighted is that somehow the victim can change the behavior of the abuser by changing the victim's behavior.

In other words - the victim, by her behavior is causing herself to be gaslighted.

This is dangerous thinking. It is the typical blame the victim thinking that is espoused by mental health professionals again and again and again.

Why? Because the mental health professionals are making money off the victims - not the abusers. How many abusers do you think bought this book? But how many victims. Follow the money.

I commend this author for attempting to address this psychological abuse in her book, because there is little written about it anywhere. Yet, it can drive victims to suicide.

But the author fails by not addressing the severity of this abuse - in fact she fails to even call it abuse, nor does she talk about the effect on the victim. The book is too cutsey for me. There is nothing cute about being gaslighted. It is deadly serious.

Someday I hope that mental health professionals understand that they are making money off suffering and it is irresponsible to publish a cutsey book about psychological abuse that can drive someone to kill themselves.

The only place I saw the word 'abuse' was on the cover of the book, from a reviewer. This is serious business folks. I would rather have my ribs broken than my mind.

Unfortunately the author skips around issues that she should have hit head on.

With physical abuse, someone kills you. With psychological abuse you kill yourself. How much cleaner is that? Your abuser then gets away with psychological abuse and is vindicated - YOU ARE CRAZY - crazy enough to slit your wrists!

Be very careful folks. This book is just the tip of the iceberg. You cannot change someone who is setting out to use psychological abuse (gaslighting) to control you. You need to get away or you could die.

You do not play a part in any way whatsoever. By trying to explain yourself, you are being a NORMAL human being in an abnormal situation. You are not engaging in a tango. You are being NORMAL, believing that you are interacting with a human being - not a predator.

But you are dealing with a predator, who preys on his own kind. The normal rules of engagement do not apply here. You cannot change a predator by ignoring what he is trying to do - drive you insane.

That is not cutsey. There is no tango involved. It doesn't take two. It takes one predator who preys on your goodness and willingness to change behaviors that you think are hurting him because you care. There is nothing wrong with caring. Empathy. Keep those qualities for someone who isn't preying on you. Changing the way you react to the predator will not change a thing. It is exactly what he wants you to do.

Your anger and protests are your demonstrations of your self-worth. Keep them. Don't silence yourself as this author suggests. But do get away.

PERIOD.

If you have a boss, friend, or relative that always seems to make you feel "bad," even though you try and try and bend over backwards to understand them and their viewpoint but they treat you even worse, read this book! If you cannot say anything right, if you don't apologize enough, if you aren't perfect enough, read this book!

If you are "in denial" because you don't agree with how someone else (the gaslighter) sees you, read this book. If you are constantly trying to figure out the "why" of their behavior, read this book. It answers so many questions. It helps you to see that you are a person of value. It also explains how this relationship occurs, and how to end it, or, if you choose, to live with it.

I wish that this book had been available a few years ago, it would have saved me a lot of tears and heartache. It has helped me to come to peace with myself and to not blame myself for something that wasn't my fault. Reading this book for the third time, I believe that I won't be caught up in a relationship like that again. Gaslighters are abusers (see also the work of Patricia Evans), and you don't have to take it anymore!

I highly recommend this book...it could save you years of therapy and save you thousands of dollars!

The book teaches one how to explicate what seems like the commonplace. If you have that uneasy feeling in the presence of those to whom you are connected but don't entirely trust, The Gaslight Effect can provide you with insight into many hidden dynamics that can create that unsettling experience. This book is for anyone who lives and thrives in the company of others but has trouble keeping their bearings in the presence of strong and manipulative people.

As a career consultant, I find myself saying often, "It's not about you." You blew the interview? Your boss keeps insulting you? Some interviews are a sham -- the company wonders who's out there or the boss wants to hire somebody's relative. And some bosses have their own agendas.

This book goes into much more depth about all kinds of situations where it's appropriate to say, "It's not about you." I like Stern's comparison to talking to a four-year-old who insists candy is a vegetable. You don't get into an argument. You know you're right. So you don't waste time worrying what she'll think of you when you hold firm in your position.

If nothing else, readers will take away a new understanding of frustrating interactions. Sometimes the other person will never "get it." You have to focus on escaping their influence. It's especially difficult with family and bosses, but easier when you recognize the dynamic.

You learn to say, "We will have to discontinue this project because I think we are not on the same length," not, "I can't work with someone who won't keep deadlines and does sloppy work."

You can say, "Yes, maybe I am selfish when I won't offer free services to your needy friend."

Or "I will not continue the conversation when you speak to me in that tone."

Readers who remember the popularity of assertiveness training from the 70s will recognize some of Stern's techniques and will want to add their own. For instance, in my own experience, it's rarely helpful to set up a time to talk and explain, "Next time you interrupt me I will leave the room." I would rather just do it.

I enjoyed reading Stern's examples of "flight attendants" who serve as barometers of when to worry and when to shrug off an incident, analogous to flight attendants who remain calm and cheery through most bumps of flight but get serious when there's real trouble ahead. I like the way she encourages readers to pay attention to small Stage 1 incidents because they can easily turn to bigger incidents that threaten our entire quality of life.

Finally, I think Stern's techniques would be appropriate for dealing with difficult professionals, such as arrogant medical professionals. You could also use them when you're a consumer of products or services, or when you're dealing with difficult clients of your own.

Hopefully readers will take away a lifetime message: "You're probably not stuck here. You can leave. The price may be high but ultimately you will be much better off."

Robin Stern's book, The Gaslight Effect, is a template that allows the reader to identify and navigate power imbalances in relationship, both personal and professional. As a clinician I have found her writing to be a flashlight for explorations with clients around relational conflicts. The material in Robin's book both illuminates the issues and suggests possibilities toward growth and change.

Robin Stern takes on the relationships we have with people who do us wrong over and over again yet manage to leave us thinking we are to blame for their actions. She is smart and eerily accurate in her descriptions of these troubled and frequently abusive friendships, romances and business partnerships. I only wish she had written this book sooner.

Dr. Stern illustrates clearly how we can be manipulated over time into doubting our own sense of self. Her clear analysis and skill based suggestions will go a long way to untangle those thoughts of self doubt that others may impose upon you.

Dr. Stern's book is really an invitation (and guide) to regaining perspective in those relationships where you experience a power imbalance. This book can help you find a way out of the destructive behavior patterns that help maintain that power imbalance. Whether you are on the receiving or giving end of this type of emotional abuse (gaslighting), you will find this book a compassionate companion during trying times. I don't know anyone who wouldn't benefit from reading this book!

I stumbled across a copy of this book at my local library. After reading the back cover, I knew I had to check it out. I've learned not to get too excited about self-help books. They (with rare exceptions) don't live up to my expectations. However, I was pleasantly surprised by this book. It actually exceeded my expectations.

I have had a very turbulent relationship with my mom for many years. There have been many times when I second guess myself. I don't trust my own feelings, or my own judgements, or my own decisions. I frequently found myself thinking things like "Am I being overly sensitive about this? Am I making a big deal out of nothing?" on and on. I had no idea what was going on. This book was very eye-opening for me. It gave me a whole new level of insight, both into myself and into my relationship with my mom. This book is full of practical, sensible advice. No quick fixes or pat answers here. I would highly recommend this book to anyone.