Customer Reviews

I Gave Dating a Chance: A Biblical Perspective to Balance the Extremes

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The following is excerpted from a lengthy response to IGDC I put together when I first read it.

IGDC is designed for youth who are also frustrated with dating but want to be conformists, who don't want to be seen as "extreme" or lose the acceptance of mainstream friends. It promises the benefits of courtship without the rigor...

In the third chapter of his book Clark tries to set his own book apart from courtship books and give justification for doing so. He does so by maligning courtship, tarring with a bigots brush without bothering to give an ounce of evidence. He owes advocates of courtship an apology....

Clark would have us believe legalism is the only error we can fall into, but as the discussion above shows, there is an equal and opposite error, known as PIETISM. Pietism is the notion that "holy thinking" and right motivations will somehow magically result in good ends, without any identifiable process adjustments. Pietism is more naïve than heretical, but it leads to ineffectuality because in the real world right thinking and right motivation must be utilized in the context of right action - doing something different than would otherwise be - or it all comes to nought....

...It is difficult for a courtship apologist to name some principle of courtship to which Clark does not subscribe. Seek accountability with others such as parents he says (p. 87), build your character (p. 57), set criteria by which you judge whether you are prepared for marriage (p. 69), don't date non-Christians (p. 36), communicate on dates rather than focusing on entertainment (p. 48), and on and on and on. Clarks' whole book is a tacit acknowledgement of the program and means and ideals of courtship. (Not that courtship advocates invented every such principle, but in courtship they are explicit.) So where's the difference?

The difference lies in the issue of accountability and lack of structure and external counsel. In IGDC everything relies on the willpower and thoughtfulness of the individual. Although accountability is mentioned it is brief and late in the book, not a fundamental principle that is needed to make the others more effective. If we sought accountability naturally that might not be so bad, but we don't. And by providing a slew of good ideas while downplaying the idea of actually changing behavior by raising the legalism bogeyman, he eviscerates his own self-improvement program....

...Clark's thesis is that problems in dating arise because people are ignorant. If they would just learn what the Biblical standards for relationships are, we'd be OK. In order to support this thesis, it is necessary for IGDC to make some astonishing assumptions. Notice the presumption of ignorance on the part of his young friend in the example above. Does he really think ignorance is the problem?

IGDC seems to forget that we do have a conscience. Those standards of purity and godly living aren't just in the Bible, they are also written in our hearts. And to assume that everyone having problems in dating is ignorant of the Bible and what it teaches is remarkably naïve. Over and over IGDC tells us what we already know. He repeats what most of us have already learned in Sunday school, and Bible study, and in sermons and listening to Christian speakers. We may learn a few pointers from his book, but overwhelmingly what IGDC has to tell us is old news.

That's why IGDC will probably be relatively popular, and will definitely be ineffectual. Telling us what we already know is an easy way to win approval but a poor way to achieve change and fix problems. We've had these exhortations for decades in the context of dating, and it hasn't made any discernable difference on the population of dating Christians as a whole - not from the statistics I've seen....

...Neither intellectual nor moral ignorance is the main problem. Weakness in temptation is the main problem. IGDC's exhortations do nothing to address that effectively. Jeramy, we already knew God wants us to be pure. We already knew we should treat the other person with honor. We already knew we should ask the counsel of others. We already knew we should think with our head not our hearts.

IGDC also fails to cope with other major problem areas of dating. As I mentioned, it focuses exclusively on improving yourself by addressing presumed ignorance. It does nothing to protect a young lady (who has read IGDC and taken it to heart) from a date rapist who doesn't care about such exhortations. Or a young man from a manipulative 'gold digger' who can put on a good front. Not only is IGDC ineffectual in addressing temptation, it is also ineffectual in providing a safe environment that protects that reader from abuses (incidental or deliberate) that are epidemic today....

Those with a heartfelt desire to be pure and keep a whole heart on the road to marriage will be let down by IGDC. The author is surprisingly callous when it comes to dating and breaking up. [See p. 154]...

...IGDC asks us to avoid legalism, but keeps us in the bondage of failed cultural systems that so many of us found to be more brutal and repressive than any legalism... Courtship, as I am continually at pains to show in day to day discussions, is not legalistic. It is a matter of understanding the principles so we can customize rules for each situation, to achieve good ends. Clark never provides evidence to justify his accusations of legalism...

This is a great book for a young adult trying to figure out what to do about dating in the post "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" world. Clark gives a balanced and Biblically-grounded perspective. Clark's emphasis is, however, more on beginning a relationship and is not really as applicable if you (like myself) are already in a dating/courting relationship and are looking for Biblical advice on growing and strengthening it.

First up, I need to say that I have not read the entire book. I'm still working my way through it, but I have read enough to make some initial observations.

Firstly, This book contains many good points. It contains a lot of good, Biblically based content and would be helpful to most teenagers / young adults.

However, I believe this book should be balanced with it's seemingly opposite "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". After reading Harris's book, I was pleasently surprised that his book is *not* about rejecting relationships and remaining single all your life! "I gave dating a chance" seems to lean more towards "Christianizing" the world's form of dating - whereas "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" aims to bring God's form of relationships down to earth. I strongly believe that Dating is useless when not connected to commitment (life-long commitment). This is what Harris's book is all about.

"I gave dating a chance" is a good read, but *please* balance the equation. I highly suggest reading both "I kissed Dating Goodbye" and "Boy meets girl" together with this book.

Jeramy Clark's book on dating, though intending to be an alternative to Joshua Harris' book on "courtship", in many ways is no different. Clark and Harris say many of the same things regarding relationships. For much of the book the differences are merely semantic. Of the two books I would have to say that Harris' book is the more realistic when it comes to evaluating the emotional baggage and over-dependence for most, if not all, of us. Harris sees the weakness and self-centeredness of most relationships and seeks to safeguard us against it. Clark, though relying on the Holy Spirit to help us, seems to trust too much on our own strength in this issue, including an over-realized eschatology - we still war against the flesh (Romans 7).

Overall, I would say that many people do not understand what Joshua Harris has written in "IKDG" and "Boy Meets Girl." Harris, in both his books, says that the way we name our relationships with the opposite sex, i.e. dating vs. courting, has nothing to do with his message. He explicitly outlines that he supports, what he calls courtship--dating with a clear direction. Both authors support similar ideals, which is righteous courtship, so I don't see why this book was really written at all. However, Clark makes an effort to bash the ideals of Harris, even though both authors support the same ideas. They are arguing over word choice. Either book would lead you to similar conclusions. I recommend Harris' books for anyone who wants to understand how God wants us to lead relationships with others. All of his books are well written, include relavant stories, and have biblical backing.

Does anybody in this world not date anymore? I think this answer is yes, but there are very few who do not. I for one am one of the seldom who doesn't date, but that does not mean I never hang out with the opposite sex. Some of my best friends are guys. This book gave many insights that I'm sure will be useful when I do find that special someone. The guidelines he gave about dating were key to a good relationship. The first guideline was to be yourself, second to Honor God, and third to be lighthearted. These three guidelines were especially practical for the dating that goes on today. Too often one looks to the world for their role-model of coolness, when in the contrary they should look to the Lord and model after His Word. I would rate this book 5 stars for someone who is young in their faith and wants a book to teach them the proper techniques of dating in a Godly way. For me personally, I did not retrieve tons out of it, but I did not hate it. It was written well and easy to understand. It was very straight forward, and told you exactly how a Christian should date. Overall, it was a good book and enjoyable to read.

Finally, a book that offers a biblical perspective on dating! I've read "I Kissed Dating Goodbye", and while I agreed with the premise of remaining pure and set apart, something just didn't sit right with me. After reading "I Gave Dating A Chance", I think it was that I was left with a feeling of legalism after reading "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". "I Gave Dating A Chance" set me free from that feeling of legalism. That's not to say that courtship isn't the way for some people, but it's not THEE one and only godly way. It's not a bad thing to want to date. "I Gave Dating A Chance" didn't leave me feeling afraid that if I allowed my children to date (at the proper age), I'd be committing an act of negligence as a parent. I like the idea of teaching guidelines and encouraging young people to set guidelines for themselves.I wish someone had given me such a book to read when I was a teenager. I think this book should be required reading for all Christian teens before they are allowed to date. I know it will be in our home. I also appreciate the study materials at the end of the book. The whole time I was reading it I thought it would make an excellent study for our church's youth group! Thanks for giving hope and biblical perspective and guidelines to this issue to those of us who don't feel like God is calling our children to courtship!

Ok, so when I picked up this book in the Christian book store, I automatically assumed "he's just writing this book as a rebutal to 'I Kissed Dating Good-bye'." I decided not to assume and read it. The first thing I heard this author say was that courting is legalistic, which would in turn make the person who courts legalistic. This is name calling by the way. However, as I read, I realized that he was just doing a rebutal to "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." In the first chapter, he makes a reference to Joshua Harris' book, saying that there is another, less extreme, legalistic option. This lets me know that:
a.) He read or heard about the book and didn't like it.
b.) Because he didn't like it, he decided to write against it.

Now, with that out of the way, I also want to say that the definition of dating in Joshua Harris' book isn't the same definition that this author is arguing. Joshua Harris is writing about dating as it is known today. When someone today says that they are dating..they are saying "I'm with them, there is a relationship going on here". The other guy is arguing dating as "a mutual agreement by two people to meet someplace" and saying that "see, with this definition, what's the big deal?" I put the book down because I knew if he was doing a rebutal to "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" that his argument didn't even matter because he wasn't even arguing the right definition of dating. I hope that makes sense. Dating today is more than two people meeting in a place. Everyone does that everyday. Meetings with their boss', girls with their best friends (guy or girl), mothers with daughters, etc. Therefore, if he was doing this rebutal to IKDG, his argument was irrelevant.

Also, this author was just repeating many pricipals that Joshua Harris stated in his book. Why date or court a person if you can't consider marrying them, purity, and other things. The books are almost identical, except one says "court" and the other "date". With that said, the book is a waste of time because it is just restating many of the things Joshua Harris said in his book, IF he was writing a rebutal (which I think he did).

Futhermore, not all people who court are legalistic. I know people who court and don't rub it into other peoples' faces. As a matter of fact, Joshua Harris address people who get legalistic about courtship ("i think I'm holier than you because I court and you date"). He addresses that attitude in his first and second book. I court and many of my friends (christians who date and court & unsaved) dont see me as legalistic in anyway. So with that said, I was also offended that he would say that people who court or believe this view are legalistic. I believe that falls into the area of assumption, prejudice, and stereotype.

Anyways, I need to leave lol. But that's just my opinion of the book. It's a repeat of a lot of the same principals in IKDG, it is talking about a different definition of dating, and it was also name calling, probably written just to argue against IKDG. But God bless ya if ya like and God bless ya if you don't ;). If you didn't like IKDG try "when God writes your love story"...its beautiful.

This book talks about setting boundaries emotionally and physically. It says you should keep yourself accountable to at least one other person of the same sex. He also talks about letting your conscience be your guide as well as scripture since we have "God in our bod". He talks about not getting caught up in strict rules and to avoid legalism. There's a lot of focus on keeping things lighthearted and to guard your heart in dating experiences. Instead of thinking "What can I get away with?" he argues that we should instead be asking "How pure can I be?" This book is an answer to some of my prayers as I have some confusion about dating and relationships.

Jeramy Clark does not convince anyone that dating is God's will. He redefines dating according to the dictionary - but if the dictionary definition accurately described what a typical high schooler has in mind, the typical high schooler would not be interested!

Clark says to keep it lighthearted - that is NOT what most young women have in mind, especially not Christian young women. Except for special occasions like proms and homecomings and so on, the dictionary definition is irrelevant. Young Christian women are looking for The One, and usually doing so in some combination of desperation and faithlessness - looking for a young Christian guy to come along and make her complete. Well, girls, Jesus makes you complete, even in your singleness, even if you're single for 5, 10, 20, or 50 years! Your Bridegroom will come, riding on a white horse - read about Him in Revelation. And the young Christian guys you are looking to for completeness - they're still more interested in sports and video games than in relationship with God or anyone else! Go to them with your longing hearts, and they'll play you for sport, and like a video game! They are not yet men - that's why you need to wait.

Waiting is an important Christian discipline, and unfortunately it's especially hard for young Christian women precisely because Christian culture honors marriage. We need to honor marriage AND singleness, and teach our young people that the Lord is God, that He is our Fulfillment and our Lover, and that marriage is a ministry - not a proof of blessedness.

You know what Christian young people need to be learning relationally? Brothers need sisters, sisters need brothers, and while some brothers and sisters will marry, they will always need both brothers and sisters, and will remain brothers and sisters through all eternity - even when earthly marriage gives way to the eternal union of the bride and the Bridegroom.

Most of this is covered quite clearly in the Harris book that Clark seems at first to be opposing. It's all the anti-Harris writing that seems to be laced with stereotypes and name-calling. If you read the Harris book, you'd know that there's no holier-than-thou to it. People who are more committed to dating than to Scripture are livid that someone would suggest something as radical as giving up the world's model for dating, probably because they believe that dating holds the key to their dreams. Clark does a good job of trying to calm those fears, and pointing young people toward the Lord, but his strategy seems to be to accommodate the fears of young people by avoiding Harris's straightforward approach.

So Harris is able to be much more direct, while Clark is stuck dancing around issues - Clark sees this as avoiding the extremes, but to me it comes off as a desperate attempt to help Christian young people to keep from seeming uncomfortably different from their non-Christian peers. Clark wants it both ways - "Hey, it's fine for Christians to date, as long as they only date other Christians, because you'd never marry a non-Christian, but then you're not dating with marriage in mind, so just keep it lighthearted, but make your dates like interviews, because a dating relationship is like interviewing for a job, but you're not marrying, so you can walk away from a dating relationship, and after you've walked away from a few dating relationships you'll be more knowledgeable about marriage-like relationships, and you'll be better prepared to find The One, and somehow your past relationship experiences will not be problematic in your eventual marriage, because they were just lighthearted, but somehow these lighthearted relationships managed to be really insightful."

In the end, Clark is probably like so many Christian youth workers who want kids to hang on to their faith, and not see it as an impediment to getting what they want in life. If this book helps the young folks get through this experience relatively unscathed, I'm glad it was written. I just think kids who read and take in what Harris is teaching in IKDG (and really, you ought to read "Boy Meets Girl" immediately after IKDG) will learn more about God's plan for romance and marriage than is taught in Clark's book, and less about how to "Christianly" try do like the world does.

BTW, the most surprising element of Clark's own experience is how much it matches that of Harris. Clark describes his teenage experience of dating around, and following the world's model for dating. Then, when called upon by his youth pastor to move into something of a leader/giver role, he himself "kissed dating goodbye!" During this period, he refocused his life on growing up in the Lord, and became an effective minister of the Word of God. Then in the midst of his devoted service to God as a single person, the more mature believers around him encouraged him to look into a serious relationship with a young woman who was similarly committed to service to God in her singleness. Then Jeramy and Jerusha began dating (Harris would probably call it courting, since they were both of age to marry, and both were exploring that possibility in their dating), and wound up getting married. The big mystery, really, is how a guy who actually lived what Harris wrote about could have come to a point where he wants to teach contrary to what Harris presented, and against the life decisions he actually made.

There's a lot of good stuff in the Clark book, so if your mind is made up on dating, it may be the best you will be willing to read. If you want to make singleness work toward the glory of God, though, feel free to do as Harris AND Clark have done in their own lives - give yourself to the Lord's service in your singleness, and just watch God bless. You may or may not get a spouse - BUT YOU'LL GET GOD, AND YOU CAN'T GET BETTER THAN THAT! Fall deeply in love with the Lover of your soul, experience the warmth and excitement of what John Eldredge calls the "Sacred Romance." And if you do get married, you'll have the greatest wedding gift to give your spouse - a man or woman of God who is actually capable of the spiritual wholeness and selfless give-and-take that is required to make a Christian marriage actually reflect the glory of the relationship between Christ and His Church.