Customer Reviews

A General Theory of Love

5 star:		(81)
4 star:		(24)
3 star:		(9)
2 star:		(4)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

Exposed as children to imperfect relationships, many of us slip into the same stale and ineffectual patterns as adults, inexplicably falling for those who will hurt us, driving away those who don't, or habitually avoiding the intimacy that we need. No matter how senseless our behavior seems, we stick to the formula, married to conscripts of love that--time and time again--leave us broken-hearted.

Enter this sizzling new book called "A General Theory of Love," which--with unsurpassed eloquence--explains why love confounds us and why it is finally within our grasp. The authors--Drs. Lewis, Amini, and Lannon--are practicing psychiatrists from the University of California. Melding cutting-edge neuroscience with real human experience, they make a sober but uplifting case for the elemental tie between love, health, and happiness. Their argument will grab you by the seat of your pants. It is grounded in fact but spelled out in lovely prose with compelling allusions to history and literature. Believe me, this unusual work is a far cry from the stagnant drivel of many scientific journals (and some evolutionary biologists). Nor is it anything like a typical self-help book. It is a lifeline, masterfully woven from the hefty secrets unveiled within its pages.

To a few, love may come easily. For the rest of us, "A General Theory of Love" is indispensable reading. Why wait?

This book was an eye-opening experience for me. Since my early teens, I've established a pattern of being in relationships that start out on a high and then eventually deteriorate and fail. I've never understood why I involve myself-a successful, intelligent, generally happy person-with people who leave me dissatisfied, feeling worthless, and convinced that I should just give up and relegate myself to a lonely Siberian outpost. A General Theory of Love enlightened me. Not in some namby-pamby, self-help, touchy-feely kind of way-but by explaining the science of brain development and the associated outcomes in our personal lives using accessible, easy to understand language that borders on lyric prose. Thank you Dr. Lewis for introducing me to myself!

They wrote the book of love. The scope of the task undertaken by these authors is vast: explaining love. To unlock the secrets of the (metaphorical) human heart, they begin by educating us in biological fundamentals, explaining the three layers of the brain (reptilian=basic function, limbic=emotion, neocortical=facility to reason) and postulating on why our evolutionary path did not involve a cleaner convergence of our emotions and our rational mind. They go on to pour over several studies demonstrating our emotional dependence on others. All of the science is delivered masterfully, and this section of the book is one of the more literate non-fiction pieces I've read recently. Building on the underlying scientific knowledge collected, the authors then go on to explain their theories of limbic resonance (how we interact emotionally with others), limbic regulation, etc. While these theories may not seem absolutely convincing, they do make intuitive sense, though one is justified in remaining skeptical. Regardless, their theories are well presented and are certainly filling food for thought. Finally, we are left knowing much more about the biology behind our emotions, and should be more secure knowing that our emotions are a valid part of us, and not something that must be conquered by the rational mind. This is a different point of view then I've held, and it is a welcome outlook. Highly recommended

Homer's "The Oddessy"" and Flaubert's "Madame Bovary" are my two favorite books. "A General Theory of Love," a powerful and important work, is my third.

Had I read this book while in my twenties, I would have taken a break from my architecture practice and stayed home with my children during their early years. I would have picked different men to live with. I would have been able to explain to my friends why they consistently picked creeps, even though they knew better. In short, I would have had better tools with which to make life decisions.

What I love about this book is the warmth and compassion with which it takes me through the most recent findings and facts of neuroscience as it relates to the emotions. I've read several books on neuroscience and several books about the human spirit. This the only book I've ever read that weaves the two together.

As the authors state, "the heart and the brain exert their pulls in different directions. Where they are brought together, the result is incandescence." This book does, in fact, glow as it lights up previously dark and confusing spaces.

Warning: The General Theory of Love contains highly innovative ideas that are elegantly stated. It has been found in some cases that reading this book carefully may cause greater understanding of the world we live in. In order to understand a theory, it helps me if I can state the axioms as Euclid did in the classic Geometry text: "Elements".

In order to summarize the tremendous impact this book has had on my concept of human interaction, I have tried to reduce this theory to its core axioms or principles. Though one cannot do this in as pure a sense as pure mathematics, my approach is more concise than it is inaccurate. I should note that these axioms are based on conversations with the authors after a recent book signing.

There are 3 "axioms" for successful love: (1) Connect, (2) Be authentic, (3) The earlier the better. The more these 3 conditions are met, the more we experience love. Now that is a theory we can apply! As a member of the corporate world, I like the fact that the authors offer solutions not just scientific observations and results. "Connect" means listen, look at, etc. "Be authentic" means say what you are really feeling not what is convenient or politically correct. "The earlier the better" suggests that loving is most crucial early in life and early in relationships.

I don't want to get too analytical in the space of 1000 words, but let me illustrate a single application of these axioms. Separating the infant from the mother at birth is a common practice in the USA. However, this practice violates the "axioms of love" since the mother cannot connect emotionally by holding and smelling the newborn child if the child is taken away for "medical procedures". The "earlier the better" axiom is not satisfied either since mother/child are separated from the earliest moment in life. Conclusion: let the child stay with the mother so they can "connect early."

After reading this book, I am now confident that I can be an incredible lover and parent! I recommend this book to everyone. It resonates with me. I believe that as these ideas are applied, the world could end up a better place to live.

This book by three San Francisco psychiatists is unique and sheds light on one of life's greatest mysteries in an eloquent and easy to read fashion. It makes some very difficult scientific concepts accessible to people without specialized knowledge in neurology or psychology.

The authors do a good job of balancing the insights of science with the interpretation necessary to understand subjective experience. While the book is speculative in some ways, it is intelligently and appropriately speculative.

This book was difficult to put down because it brings together an understanding of attachment theory, brain research and striking analogies to come up with a scientifically plausible explanation of love. The real achievement here is not dehumanizing the experience of love in the process of writing about it from within a scientific paradigm. However, I think they are a little hard on Freud and the psychoanalytical field. While Freud wasn't perfect, he had a lot of great insights for someone of his time. At times, I found the authors dismissive of some of the work in this area without presenting compelling arguments appropriate to the strength of their statements.

I particularly liked the way this book talked about implicit memory and how this plays a role in love without us being conscious of the process. This helps explain why the head and the heart are often at odds.

Another unusual aspect of this book is how well written it is. It's difficult to put down and does not come across as overly technical or mechanical. It is juicy... so to speak! In other words, it lacks the sterility of some of the books written by highly technical people about thier own fields.

While I don't think these authors unlocked the ultimate secret of love, they certainly raised the right questions and helped move our understanding forward in this area. This is a good book for anyone who wants to understand love at a deeper level. I recommend it highly!

This book has some good qualities along with some major flaws. First I should say that it is beautifully written in a style which is almost like a poetic kind of prose. I am a clinical psychologist, and I like the fact that the authors are psychiatrists who are obviously oriented to psychotherapy something that is not so common these days. There is also a nice humanistic quality to this book and the overall theory of love with its evolutionary perspective I found interesting and relevant. As for flaws I see two major ones: an apparent lack of awareness of the history of psychotherapy and a lack of knowledge about treatment outcome research. They present a relationship oriented approach to psychotherapy which in practice sounds almost identical to that of Carl Rogers who emphasized the importance of therapist empathy and believed that the therapeutic relationship itself was the curative factor in psychotherapy. Rogers began formulating his views in the 1940's and ultimately became one of the most influential figures in the history of psychotherapy. Yet amazingly Carl Rogers is not mentioned even once in this book! In addition they fail to mention family systems approaches which view family attachments as the key determinant of human emotional life and also of mental disorders. They also seem to echo one of the key trends in psychotherapy from the 1960's when many of the experiential therapies claimed that most insight was too intellectual and sterile and only emotional experience was seen as therapeutic, a somewhat outdated view. The authors then state that only relationship quality and not therapeutic orientation makes any difference and only long-term therapy can be effective. As someone who specializes in anxiety disorders I know this to be completely inaccurate. There are countless treatment outcome studies done at top universities and medical schools with cognitive-behavior therapy of anxiety disorders with success rates as high as over 90% with short-term therapy. There is no one suffering from agoraphobia or a specific phobia who is going to overcome these problems simply by establishing a good relationship with a therapist even if they come for five years. Exposure therapy is absolutely essential. These results are irrefutable, occur in short-term therapy, and only within the specific modality of cognitive-behavior therapy. This is in complete contradiction to the statements made by the authors and show an unacceptable lack of awareness or selective inattention to the current scientific literature in psychotherapy. My advice for most people is that if a therapist says that therapy will take three to five years explore the possibility of seeing another therapist. The authors also seem to make the assumption that all problems are relationship problems which is not always the case. Some problems are the result of simple classical conditioning such as many anxiety disorders. I also have trouble with the biological rationale offered by these authors for their treatment. If mammals all have a similar limbic brain then why don't we find the same mental disorders in animals as we do in humans? Do dogs suffer from agoraphobia or dissociative disorders? They completely neglect the role of higher human functions which give us the ability to reason, to see a future and a past, and the capacity for language as if these play no role in human emotions and emotional disturbance. So there are some significant problems with this book, but it does have some good points and I think is worth the read.

This book is a revitalizing fresh breeze in the stilted atmosphere of modern life, where impersonal electronic communication combines with too-little time to facilitate our fears of dependence and love of power. It substantiates biologically what many of us feel instinctively: Looking in someone else's eyes and making an *emotional connection* is a necessary part of mammalian health! You'll have more courage to bond with others after reading this book. And you will be happier and healthier for it! Best book I read so far this year.

The author's theory of limbic resonance correlates very accurately with reality. As any good theory on human emotion should, it accurately explains why we love who we love and why we are who we are. For years and years I argued with countless intellectuals who said there was no such thing as "Spark". This book not only provided me with a realistic explanation of my own emotional makeup and attraction certain woman (through spark), but gives me a way to examine spark and change it if I so desire.

It's not a book for everyone, since the first four or five chapters are a bit slow and technical, but if you get bogged down, skip to Hebbian learning (the fundamentals behind artificial intelligence in computers) in chapter six and you'll be suddenly and completely enthralled. The way it ties our mind together as a logical group of thinking units and then ties this back to the way we love is fantastic. Get the book, read it, you'll learn a lot. I guarantee it.

Part advanced science presentation, part advocacy for the return of love and genuine caring to the raising of children from birth, part fierce and reasoned assault on modern American medicine, culturally approved parental child-rearing delegation, and the inappropriate and potentially harmful elevation of pharmaceutical fix as a patch for damaged psyches. This extraordinary book, written by three psychiatrists, who care deeply about love and truly healthy human beings, and are saddened by its inferior status in the pantheon of American cultural values, give us an important book that ultimately questions some of our most cherished values and beliefs about what constitutes `the good life', and, perhaps most especially, how do we care for and develop that most important, but woefully neglected, natural resource-children.
I loved this book, and have learned so much from it, both for my own personal use, simply for the knowledge and wisdom it imparts, and for what it can teach all of us about the value of love for individuals and for society.
Disseminating recent scientific discoveries (as well as debunking many old accepted scientific beliefs) about the biological basis of love, and presenting love and its attendant qualities and manifestations as the most significant difference between the reptilian brain and the mammalian one. These three thoughtful and passionate men explain the ramifications and importance of the development of the mammalian brain, and its superiority to a truly successful human life because the heartbeat of love resides within its neuronal pathways. (They go so far as to argue that because the presence of a healthy appreciation for and proper education about love, that the mammalian brain is more important than the cognitive brain.)
I recommend this book to those of you interested in the science of brain development, and recent discoveries about the brain and its evolution. Readers interested in a biologic basis of love, and what the authors forcefully argue as the most important quality a child, and therefore, an adult can learn during the earliest years of life when most permanent psychological and emotional learning are imprinted within the human brain, will eat up the material presented in this treatise.
I could go on writing about this book, and my enthusiasm for it, but moving to some final words, the authors, in the first thorough explanation I've read, argue for the value of psychological/psychiatric and emotional therapy, and not the several weeks' kind most offered by the misdirected and economics-focused health care system in this country. They do not promote any specific technique, but state unequivocally the importance of finding the right type of therapy.
There is so much packed into its 230 pages.
I will read this book, at least once again. I hope as many people as possible learn from its wisdom, at least for the sake of our children, who are our future.