20 of 20 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Read This Book Before Proposing or Accepting a Proposal, March 21, 2001
This review is from: Generation Ex: Tales from the Second Wives Club (Hardcover)
Although most adults in the United States now know someone who has been divorced, grew up in a household where the parents divorced, or have been divorced themselves, most don't understand the full implications of that change in marital status. The divorce doesn't end the relationship. It just changes it, often for the worse, especially if children were born to the couple. When people remarry or date again, they end up being connected to all kinds of exes in the process. This book fills in the gaps for those who are still naive in this area.
Ms. Karbo has a fine comic sense, and employs it well to describe her experience with Matthew after her own divorce. He was someone she met while teaching a class for children, and she was impressed by him. While they were dating, he would avoid the subject of his ex-wife. The two of them came home one night to find Ms. Karbo's underwear cut up and to hear violent threats from Claudia, his former wife. They ended up at the Holiday Inn for the night. The rest of the book recounts how the relationship developed with Matthew and Claudia. In between, she uses historical and current examples to illuminate the points she wants to make about divorced people.
With her own divorce having been amicable, Ms. Karbo didn't know what to make of this experience. She mentioned it to others, and one woman asked, "You're not married to Ron Garber, are you? That's his ex-wife's thing." She learned that "a lot of people, an entire generation of exes, were having many of the same experiences."
In most cases, the effect of the divorce was to cause the ill feelings to fester. She discovered this when she met Adele, the crazy ex-wife, on a plane trip. Adele described catching her supervisor and her husband in the marital bed together after she came home from being fired. With the heat of her description, Ms. Karbo assumed this must have just occurred. It had been more than nine years earlier.
Basically, ex-wives either become incredibly angry towards the ex-husband, or stay attached to the ex-husband and take it out on all of the women in his life, even those who come along years later.
The book honestly recounts all of the manipulative things that the first, second, and third wives do in this escalating battle of the sexes . . . while the men tend to stay aloof if children are involved. The book also warns against the men and women who divorce, but never quite separate. They seem available, but they are still in the earlier relationship.
The historical examples range from Henry VIII (who was a bigamist with his first and second wives, and eventually chopped off the head of the second wife, Anne Boleyn), to Picasso (who never quite got around to completely leaving the last wife or girlfriend when he took a new mistress), and to Medea (who poisoned the wedding gown to deny a rival's marriage).
You will also learn about how all of this is discussed at the beauty salon, at ex-wives' dinners, at weddings, and with roommates.
Ms. Karbo takes all of this with a grain of salt until she realizes that if she stays with Matthew, she gets Claudia, too. That's more than she wants. When she was young, she had known one divorcee who was pretty, trim, and perky . . . and cried in public. To her distress, Ms. Karbo realizes that she has become Mrs. Gaspin, that divorcee.
Fortunately, the story ends up well. Ms. Karbo separates from Matthew and marries her UPS man, who also has an ex-wife. But that relationship is pretty tame. That ex-wife lives 1500 miles away, and Ms. Karbo's husband hasn't seen her since 1995.
The key lesson here is that when you are falling in love, think about what that person would be like to have as an ex-spouse. And what would the people that person is related to, or used to be married to, going to be like in that ex-spousal situation? Any personality flaws that exist now as tiny cracks in the facade will become like the Grand Canyon in a divorce.
The book is excellent for exposing the rosy assumptions that people make about their relationships, and how those assumptions make it difficult to adjust when the relationships end.
I also suggest that you read and use Relationship Rescue as a resource to develop your relationship before you move in together or get married.
If you have been divorced or are about to go through one, you will probably find this book very humorous and stress-relieving. It will help you to see yourself and your situation more clearly.
If you haven't been divorced, you will think the book is hilarious. But do treat it seriously. These are real problems that almost always show up to some degree for divorced couples.
May you have only one marriage, and may it be a terrifically happy one!
Help other customers find the most helpful reviews
Was this review helpful to you? Yes
No
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars
Surprised..., May 7, 2001
This review is from: Generation Ex: Tales from the Second Wives Club (Hardcover)
....yes, this non-fiction book about relationships after divorce surprised me. I read Ms. Karbo's other books and enjoyed them, and though not divorced, started reading this one. Initially I thought it really was awfully Erma Bombeck-like - you know, cutesy, breezy, stating the obvious cliches to invoke a laugh of recognition. Lots of divorce statistics, lots of divorce stories, an interesting chapter on Henry VIII, and Ms. Karbo's own interesting messy life with A New Man. I thought this book was aiming for a "how to live happily ever after" with stepkids, but was surprised and intrigued by how the New Man's ex-wife intruded on their lives . This ex-wife was a truly awful, disturbed, intrusive failure with a severe personality disorder who just would not let go of her ex husband. She called him with every excuse possible several times an hour. She could not hold a job. She could not handle money. And the ex husband put up with this for one reason - the child they had together. The poor child in the custody of this loon, used as a hostage and negotiating chip. Poor Ms. Karbo, watching the New Man take it and take it and take it. Poor New Man, wanting only to live his life with his new honey but forced to put up with neverending harassment for the sake of his daughter. Not physical abuse, mind you, just mental and verbal, but there was always that underlying threat of bodily harm to somebody. I was wrung out! Quite an interesting book!` The moral of the story, which cannot be repeated too many times: BEWARE of entering a relationship with a divorced parent, if the other parent is anywhere in the picture.
Help other customers find the most helpful reviews
Was this review helpful to you? Yes
No
7 of 9 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Think Dorothy Parker, after AA and Some Nice Prozac, May 1, 2001
By A Customer
This review is from: Generation Ex: Tales from the Second Wives Club (Hardcover)
I get surly when I hear Karen Karbo compared to Erma Bombeck, just because she's funny, and because she happens to write about domestic issues (hey, so did Tolstoy). A better analogy for Karbo's work would be the deliciously-apt cultural anthropology that Nora Ephron did for Esquire Magazine in the 70s. Karbo's barbed humor, and talent for a howling aphorism, bring Dorothy Parker to mind, with the notable difference that Karbo is in excellent mental health--a shrewd, savvy, but SANE observer of the human comedy. GENERATION EX is a complex book--not exactly how-to, not exactly memoir, not exactly reporting--but a wonderful combination of all of those elements. Highly recommended.
Help other customers find the most helpful reviews
Was this review helpful to you? Yes
No
