Customer Reviews

The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense at Work

5 star:		(10)
4 star:		(6)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

I was on a curriculum development program on the real world for graduate students and we ended up specifying this book as one of the essential parts of the program. I've since specified other Elgin books as textbooks for graduate students and have never been disappointed.

This book does have a second edition which was reviewed positively by _The Alternative_, a dispute resolution publication out of Seton Hall Law School. Extremely accessible (meaning that *real* people can read this book and use it), with insights and information that many professionals do not have.

While her best selling book is now a little dated, and is written for a very basic audience (and is a classic in psych circles), this book is written to a more educated audience, without losing its message in jargon or technical language.

This is one of half a dozen books I purchased in an attempt to deal with and understand bullying and office politics in the workplace. While the concepts and the knowledge presented are solid, the skills it takes to implement the tactics suggested are not skills the beginning bully buster or office politician has. I think someone who is already accomplished and aware of psychological principles, social skills and emotional intelligence could implement some of the suggestions, but this isn't a book you can pick up, read on break and walk away with anything that's going to change your life.

I'd consider this a text book more than a self-help book on verbal skills. The principles are real, are true and in the hands of those with the skill, intelligence and ability probably will make a world of difference in how they communicate. I think those that have that level of gamesmanship and ability already play the game well and this will help them polish their skills. Those new to office politics and semantics will give up and go on to something else or be intimidated by the layers and levels of gamesmanship that exist in the corporate world.

When I say "self-help" versus text book, I mean that "self-help" books can point out simple facts that a person can read and put into practice immediately and see some improvement. A textbook approach is something complex enough to require an outside observer who can comment and direct the learning attempt.

For instance, I have basic mechanical skills - like using a wrench, screwdriver, hammer and so on. I can read and understand basic instructions so I could read a "self-help" level book and figure out how to change my car's oil or flush the radiator in a few hours.

However, given my basic mechanical skills I wouldn't tackle rebuilding my transmission in a weekend with only a book, even a good book. Same here. A mechanic (someone already versed in the basics and intermediate to advanced skills needed) could read a book on rebuilding transmissions and do it without much fear or expert feedback, but a novice could not.

To get the most out of this book you need intermediate to advanced skills in several areas. Without a skill set in communications, learning methods or an extensive base of human interaction, communication, language skills, psychology experience/expertise etc. you'll have a hard time reading and using this book in a way that would seriously beef up your verbal defense skills. I would NOT recommend this book for someone looking for either a quick read, easy answers or a handful of self-help tips they can implement in an hour or a weekend. This book requires an understanding of language, how we learn, psychology and a dedication to work at changing one's approach to communication over time. I'd rate it a 3 simply because I expected a good simple self-help book and got a good text book instead. As far as rating it according to the knowledge it contains - probably a 5 in terms of insight and political smarts. The information and knowledge is there, but you have to have built up your verbal and people smarts to grasp it. If you can't do algebra why read a book on calculus and advanced trig?

Even with my background in communication and language, it's hard to read some portions of it and understand how to implement the tactics. The examples and the thought processes behind the observations the author makes are complex. I have the language and communication skills that should make this an easy read but it's been work to get through it. So while it makes some excellent observations about games, personal and office politics etc. be warned - it's not a fast, nor an easy read and the skills will take weeks if not months to implement in a way that significantly impacts the work situation. This is a book for someone seriously dedicated to being the best office politician and communicator they can be.

This work provides a good development for constructive
argument aimed at management of confrontal modes. The author
describes classic behaviors; such as, the placater, the blamer,
the distracter and the leveler. There is a good section on
voice management which describes unifying metaphors and balanced
speech. The work describes practically every confrontation
imaginable with appropriate voice responses and body language.
This book will help you manage almost any type of confrontation

constructively. For this reason, it is well worth the price.

The book was clear, practical and interesting reading. The approach was structured and logical with good examples of the different ways people use words to communicate and/or manipulate. The information on how word choices affect/influence other people, and how you can respond/compensate when the effect is directed against you were helpful and effective. One review I read felt the suggested responses were flippant and provocative. I did not agree with that viewpoint after reading the book. The responses the reviewer was referring to were directed at someone who was not truly concerned with the content of what they had said, but in the reaction they were trying to provoke. Ms. Elgin said the responses (basically to respond as if the comment had been positive rather than negative) took the fun out of what was a game to them; and I have found that to be true.

The only thing I found difficult were the exercises she gave to allow you to see how intuitively you do understand these things. I understood them when she explained, and when I read her examples; but I found I couldn't effectively apply the understanding to the exercises with any certainty. I'd have loved some answer pages somewhere! Another specific exercise she gave that I found difficult had to do with the sensory modes people use in communication. I had no difficulty understanding or identifying what was being used, but when given an opportunity to take a comment using touch sensory analogies and convert them to sight or hearing . . . I found it extremely difficult. Maybe my brain works differently than hers and many who reviewed the book! The information was clear, the implications were helpful, but applying the information for purposes of shaping the emotional atmosphere intentionally was difficult for me to work out.

I've shared alot of the content with various people and have found them as interested in the concepts as I was. I would recommend the book--especially to those who may not have spent large amounts of time studying interpersonal communication.

Truly a book that illuminates! While reading this book, I had so many "AHA!" moments, when I recognised behavioural patterns & particularly patterns of verbal abuse which I was experiencing and not understanding.

If you feel like you're in the dark about WHY people sometimes say things or react the way they do, then read this book - and see the light.

This book was a complete waste of money. First, it reads like a communications 101 textbook--a very outdated one. The examples and citations go back some 20 - 30 years. I realize much of the basic info on communication may still be relevant, but I found the examples of work situations outdated, unrealistic or ones that only the most clueless person could misread. What bothers me most, however, is that the title led me to think this book would address specific verbal conflicts, hostile behavior, etc, and how to address it. I kept waiting for this, and it never came. At best, the book is a broad introduction to how miscommunication can occur. If like me, you already posses decent interpersonal skills but are looking for specific help with handling workplace bullying or a difficult, combative, coworker or boss, look elsewhere.

In addition to recognizing manipulation and deflecting those comments, this book teaches skills about:

better communication by recognizing visual versus auditory communication, e.g. ("I see what you mean" versus "I hear you")

It discusses that communication skills can be taught and learned, not just the result of luck, inheritance or genius.

Elgin is probably the grandmother of verbal self-defense, and teaching people to deal more effectively with verbal abuse. In this book she turns her attention specifically to the work place. If you buy one book on how to deal with nasty abusive people in the workplace, get this one.

Her work is based on sound psycholinguistic principles, so this is not just another pop psych. book written by someone trying to make a buck.

The book is easy reading but require serious effort to follow the recommendation

I originally borrowed this book from the library and thought it was so good I wanted to read it again. I was not able to buy it at a book store as I was told it was out of print, well, it was available from Amazon.

While I am confronted with comments that I consider rude, etc, in everyday life I am usually unable to respond due to one or more of the following reasons:
A. I don't care.
B. Think that the other person is having a bad day.
C. Am too shocked to reply (in an effective manner) or
D. Don't think on a negative/nasty level to reply.
This book has given me a better understanding and the importance of 'sementics' and 'pre-suppisitions', etc.
I have really found this book valuable, 'When did you think I didn't?'

Regards

Elizabeth