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Get Outta My Face!: How to Reach Angry, Unmotivated Teens with Biblical Counsel

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One of the most frustrating things about working with teenagers is the difficulty of understanding their point of view and rationale and developing good communication with them. For parents, counselors and youth pastors alike it is often difficult to build trust and help students see the consequences of their actions, suggest positive change and help them see God's plan for their life because of these communication barriers. These conversations are more likely to end in an eruption of anger than in true heart change. If you are a parent or have responsibility for counseling or mentoring teenagers, Rick Horne's new book Get Outta My Face: How to Reach Angry, Unmotivated Teens with Biblical Counsel is a must read.

Horne is very specific in his purpose for the book. It isn't a parenting manual or a guide for teaching spiritual truth. Instead, it is a biblically rooted guide for establishing a bridge of communication with teenagers, helping them see that they make choices that have consequences, and ultimately about how to bring about change in their lives and point them to ultimate life change in the gospel of Christ. Horne does an excellent job of remaining thoroughly biblical while offering solid, practical advice for working with unmotivated teenagers.

The book is divided into three parts. In Part I, Horne does some background work on how the Bible describes teenagers and how concerned adults should view and approach them. Teenagers are sinners in need of God's grace, but the Bible respects them as young adults and gives instruction for growing in wisdom and life transformation. Parents and counselors should respect them as fellow image bearers of God and recognize that, though tainted with sin, underneath sinful behavior are "wise wants" that flow from creation in God's image. Counselors need to recognize their own sinfulness and limitations and have a genuine love and concern for the teenager before entering a counseling setting.

In Part II, Horne transitions to the practical advice for developing communication and seeing students recognize their choices, own their behavior and make changes. He instructs counselors to "Listen Big" before offering advice. Try to hear the wise wants behind the students wants and behavior. Affirm these wise wants without affirming sinful behavior. Second, expose the realities of the teens experience. Help them to see the consequences of their choices and the limits of their control. Third, look for "exceptions," solutions from the past that produced desirable outcomes for the teenager. Help them to see how different behavior then could be applied to current undesirable outcomes. Finally he encourages counselors to plan small. Help the teenager develop an achievable, measurable plan and hold them accountable to it.

In the final part, Horne brings the entire discussion back to the gospel. He points out that the system he develops is seriously defective if the gospel isn't the ultimate destination because, although it may produce external results, it will not truly bring life change. Parents and counselors are encouraged to continue steering the discussions to heart issues and to constantly point teenagers to the cross of Christ.

This is a relatively short book at only 171 pages and well worth every cent. The book is clear, specific and to the point. It will help anyone who works with teenagers to develop better communication skills and be more effective in ministering to young adults and pointing them to the gospel. If you want to be a more active influence in the life of a teenager and see lasting change, this book is a great place to look for help. It is highly recommended.

If you have spent any time with teenagers then more than likely you have met an angry, unmotivated, or disinterested teen. You may even have one living in your house. Rick Horne hopes to help parents, teachers, and youth workers reach these teenagers with biblical counsel.

His method is really quite simple: Get to Know Your Teen -> Build a Bridge -> Point to the Cross. As Horne explains, "This book will teach you how to build a bridge to young adults on the basis of the ways in which their desires and actions reflect the image of God and the blessing of common grace".

This book really shines in the area of helping adults understand what is going on in the mind of today's teenager. As I read through this I could not help but think of parent's I would love to get this book to. This book is also written in an easy to remember fashion. It is well outlined and easy to follow.

I read this book over a month ago, but put off writing a book review so I could think it over. Something about it did not sit well with me. Not that it should be confined to propping up the leg to your kitchen table; nothing that severe. Something seemed to be missing. Had it not been for the last chapter I would have been very disappointed.

After some time to think it over I think I have discovered what sits wrong with me. The book shines in the area of "HOW TO REACH ANGRY, UNMOTIVATED TEENS". But it is incomplete in doing so "WITH BIBLICAL COUNSEL". It effectively teaches how to build a bridge, but once that bridge is built it leaves you asking, "what now"? I hope the last chapter serves as introduction to a second book on pointing teenagers to the cross. This important chapter should have been woven into every chapter the preceded it.

Even with the negatives where this book shines it really shines. If you have a general idea of what it means to reach someone with biblical counsel but are unsure how to build a bridge into their lives then this is a great book for you. If you already have built a bridge and are looking for advice on how to offer biblical counsel then this book is not for you. But what do you expect, the title of this book is Get Outta My Face! You expect a book telling you how to reach the unmotivated. I only wish it had been about 250 pages instead of 176. Still, though, every parent and youth worker needs to read this book.

Rick Horne is coordinator of the graduate concentration in school guidance counseling at Columbia International University, has more than thirty years experience as a high school guidance counselor, has raised six children to adulthood and yet still realizes the only true authority is the bible and is not found in himself. His book comes after years of studying Scripture, including a doctorate degree from the respectable Westminster Theological Seminary, and a long career working with teens. Horne uses a strictly nouthetic approach to write this prescription for connecting and communicating with teens marked by anger, indifference and apathy.

The book is laid out in three sections with the first section focused primarily on foundational truths any adult who deals with teens should know. Specifically, in chapter 2, Horne provides eight biblical facts about relating to teens that is not the usual psychobabble fare about cultural and generational divides one hears from their favorite psychotherapist or Dr. Phil, but rather truths such as every teen is a sinner in need of Christ and Scripture provides instruction for how to speak and what to say to angry young people. The rest of section one deals with a parent or youth worker's motivation and goals when dealing with teens.

Section two leaves the conceptual realm and moves into a presentation of a very practical and structured plan written by Horne for communicating effectively with teens. The plan is designed to be memorized by a parent or youth worker and thereby guide the adult through meaningful and constructive conversations with teens. This reader tends to shy away from memorized presentations like this, but can see how the plan has the potential to be very helpful to some. Also, Horne's plan in section two seems to be a little too clinical as it includes instructions about sitting posture and how to make clarifying statements, etc, and certainly seems more helpful in formal settings like an appointment with a counselor or minister or a formal conversation with a parent. It seems unlikely that the plan laid out in section two would be helpful for typical daily interaction; however, the principles behind the plan are very, very good.

Section three provides good instruction for how to get off to a good start using Horne's plan and most impressively concludes with a chapter on the vital importance of pointing the teen to the Cross. He explains that no parent or youth worker can bring life change to any teen, but only the work done by Jesus Christ on the Cross.

Horne's work is very easy to read and is comparable to the reading level of a book one would find in the practical helps section of their local Christian bookstore.

Horne should be applauded for his commitment to a nouthetic approach instead of the typical integration of humanism and theism. In fact, while avoiding mind numbing, difficult terminology, he argues strongly against a humanistic approach to impacting teens. A good example is chapter four when Horne argues that the objective for the home is not the absence of conflict, but rather the pursuit of God's glory. If the absence of conflict is the goal of the home, a parent will ultimately allow the teen to rule the home in an effort to avoid conflict. More evidence of Horne's argument for theism over humanism is that he starts the book with the position that teens are sinners and concludes the book with a call for parents to point their teen to the Cross.

The chapter about foundational principles of relating to teens in section one is the prized feature of this particular work and worth the price of the book. As Horne points out, if a parent or youth worker will embrace these principles, it will at least cause the adult to approach teens from a biblical perspective.

This reader is not declaring Horne's book to be the definitive resource for raising teens nor an absolutely must have book for the youth parent or worker's library; Horne himself states clearly that the book is not an exhaustive guide for raising teens, but rather focuses strictly on communication. However, this book is an excellent tool that is biblically centered and provides both the biblical principles and resulting practical steps for communication with teens. This book could be very helpful to a parent whose eldest child is entering the teen years and the parent is trying to equip themselves for the new season of life or a parent frustrated by an angry or apathetic teen. It could also be a good aide to a church youth worker or a school guidance counselor struggling to connect with a sullen and unmotivated teen. Additionally, this book would make a great curriculum for a small group topical study in a local church setting.

I have spent the last thirteen years of my life trying to forget my teenage years. It's not that these years were really so bad and it's not like I went through a period of utter rebellion as do so many teens (for which I give thanks to God). It's more that I had little joy in these years and felt that I was mostly just putting in time as I waited to grow up. What I do remember is many times of disobedience and disregard for my parents. I loved them and hated them. I needed them and yet wanted to go about life on my own. Though I may not have told them so in so many words, many times I just wanted them out of my face. I remember those years well--more so than I would like.

Though there is a part of me that looks with great anticipation to my own children reaching their teenage years, there is a part of me that is terrified. From what I've observed of myself, my siblings, and so many other teens, they are years guaranteed to be filled with both joys and sorrows. Rick Horne knows well such joy and pain. He has fathered six teenagers and has counseled hundreds more. This is a man who has a lot to share about leading teenagers through these years. This is the subject of his new book, Get Outta My Face.

According to the author, this book "aims to summarize common experiences parents have with angry teens and illustrate how biblical principles can bring remarkably clear and useful light to these situations. The aim is to position these truths on the bottom shelf so we can all reach them and put them to use with angry, unmotivated teens--even if we've made serious mistakes in our previous efforts. We all want to help these young people recognize their self-destructive ways, learn new and effective methods of dealing with life, and ultimately come into a deep and life-changing relationship with Christ. That's the goal of this book."

One of the book's foremost principles is that presentation matters. A parent's first words to an angry teen will strongly push the interaction to one of two outcomes--the words being received or the words being rejected. The best and most valuable counsel may be rejected if it is not properly presented. This is not to say that the author teaches manipulation. Instead, he simply shows how a parent can approach a teen with respect even when he or she is not looking for any help.

As Horne instructs parents or youth leaders or anyone who seeks to lead and guide teens, he follows this pattern. The first part is "What You Must Understand to Connect with Your Teen." Here the author helps ensure the parent has a biblically-informed worldview by presenting Scripture's assessment of your angry or unmotivated teen. This is, as you might expect, the foundational information that will set the tone for all that follows.

Part two is titled "What You Must Do to Help Your Teen" and this is where we find the "how-to" information. The author introduces the acronym LCLP which stands for Listen Big, Clarify Narrow, Look Wide, Plan Small. The author gives one chapter to each of these four and does much of his teaching through little narratives, true or could-be-true illustrations of these principles in action.

While the first two sections deal with the surface motivations and external behavior, the author dedicates the third part to the heart. He calls this portion "How to Make the Changes Stick." While dealing with a teen will necessitate beginning with external behavior, a parent would be remiss to neglect using the bridge of communication to get to his child's heart. The ultimate goal, of course, is to lead a teen to the cross, either for the first time or for a growing, deepening understanding of Christ's work.

Though I am not the parent of a teenager, I am young enough still to remember being one. At the same time, I am only a few years away from seeing my son turn thirteen. Even now, with him growing and maturing, I learned things from this book that I can apply right away. Having said that, this is the kind of book that will undoubtedly necessitate more than one reading for those who wish to absorb it and implement what it teaches. I read it at a good pace and while jotting notes and still feel that I would learn a lot more by reading it through once again. I am sure that I will do so before I have my own teens to deal with.

This is a book that is realistic about teens as they are going to be, not wistful as to what they might be. This is no idealized view of teenagers. Rather, it is realistic, giving an assessment of teens that rings true while providing solutions that can actually work. It teaches a parent to do more than react to a sinful teen, but teaches him to be proactive in approaching the teen, in reaching out to him, and in shepherding his heart. This is exactly what Shepherd Press does so well. Their books, their authors, take issues related to parenting and look at them under the shadow of the cross. Get Outta My Face is a great complement to their existing catalog and a book that I'm sure God will use mightily for his glory. If you have teens, if you will soon have teens, or if you work with teens, you will want to get yourself a copy of this book.

Rick Horne's Get Outta My Face! is right on target. I have 5 kids (3 teens) and have had the opportunity to put this book to the test. Rick has done a masterful job of helping me to recognize who I am before Christ and my responsibility to help my children see the glory of God as they walk through their teenage years.

Through this material, that is so clearly laid out in this book, I have been able to come along side my teens instead of exasperating them, and challenge them to rise up to be the young men and women they know that God has created them to be... and they have been able to do so.

I am excited for every parent who reads and profits from this book as I have. By learning to `listen big,' `clarify narrow,' `look wide,' and `plan small' you will have the opportunity to redefine your relationship with your teen.

This is not a prescriptive list of do's and don'ts. At the heart of this book is scriptural truth that will ultimately allow you and your teen to see the "Glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ" (2Cor 4:6) more clearly, and that can't help but be displayed in your relationship.

I strongly recommend this book to all parents, whether your teen is acting out or not.

I found the book to be encouraging and helpful. I work as a juvenile probation officer and I found the book to address angry youth in a practical and spiritual way. Helping youth is not just about us, but about the glory of God.

Triage is the word that came to mind as I read Get Outta My Face! , by Rick Horne. The book was particularly intriguing to me as the parent of three teenagers (pray for me).

Horne's goal in the book is to build a communication bridge between concerned adults and teenagers who have closed themselves off. It doesn't take much time around young people before you encounter the "get outta my face" attitude. It can be one of the most frustrating experiences a concerned adult can have. Whether the adult is a youth worker, a pastor, a school counselor or a parent--when that attitude is encountered, it seems to be impenetrable. Control is firmly in the hands of the teen and it seems the only recourse is nagging, yelling or physical action. As a parent who has resorted to each of those actions, none of them work. They only serve to deepen resentment and build the communication barrier higher.

The techniques in this book can break through that barrier. Despite the tremendously practical and effective model Horne presents, that is not what I was most impressed by. Practical models abound in counseling materials. Many are effective at generating a modicum of desired reform--they "work". Even though they seem to work, very few are directed at the root of the problem and most refuse to even acknowledge it. I was impressed that this book begins with the right foundation and ends with the right goal. The purpose of the book is the bridge, so it does not expound on either side of the bridge. But it does clearly state what both sides are.

The side where the bridge begins is the condition of the counselor's heart. Before a counselor can properly deal with a teenager's sinful behavior, he must deal with his own sin. The side where the bridge ends is the condition of the teenager's heart. Once the barriers to communication have been breached, the Gospel must be effectively communicated. While dealing extensively with either of those sides is beyond the scope of the book, Horne clearly states their necessity.

This book is excellent for what it is--triage. Triage doesn't cure all of what ails the patient. Triage patches patients up enough to get them to where real healing can happen. A changed heart is the only cure for all people--including teenagers. Counselors, youth workers, pastors and parents can't change a teenager's heart. Even the teenager himself can't change his heart. Only a saving work of Christ in a person's life can change a heart. Romans 10:13-14 says,

for whoever will call on the name of the Lord will be saved. How then will they call on Him in whom they have not believed? How will they believe in Him whom they have not heard? And how will they hear without a preacher?

And how will they hear if they have built up a barrier to communication? How will they hear the Gospel if their chief response is, "Get outta my face"? Rick Horne provides the model to tear down the barriers and build the bridge that will allow us to communicate the Gospel in a way that our teenagers will be able to hear.

biblical and worth reading again. This book makes

so many good points, I am going to go back, read it again,

highlight everything that I can call on -- Proverbs is such

a help to parents and youth alike, telling us what the Father

expects.

When I got this book, as soon as I looked at the cover, and it looks exactly like my oldest, I knew this book would be for us. I know it has been a blessing already, applying the LCLP method. Won't be easy, but worth every penny.

What this book fails to explain is how to deal with the fundamental problem it purports to address, the violently asserted right to self-determination expressed by so many teenagers of our times. More than anything else, THAT is what cuts our teenagers off from godly counsel, and from those who would share it with them. How many books do we need to read in which we are told that we cannot and must not address this, the heart of the problem, that we must tiptoe around it on the way to advice on the myriad of tangential teenage tantrums? Granted, the bridge-building phase of counseling is a valid initial tactic of rapproachement, but it is decidedly tiresome to be a perpetual bridge-builder when what we really need is to create a permanent crossing over the self-imposed ravine to re-fortify a city under attack by an Enemy who wants to use our teens' petulant hubris to destroy them. In other words, the author needs to teach his readers more about 1) why our kids spend their teenage years rejecting the most sound advice simply because they do not like the manner in which it is presented, or the person presenting it, or any other elements of the minutiae that comprise their silly, prideful objections; and 2) what to do about it. Everything, after all, is at bottom about epistemology.

Dear Mr. Horne,

I haven't read your entire book but it was recommended. I am wondering if there's a manual for dealing with angry, motivated adults because I seem to be surrounded by them. Of course, I live in a large metropolitan area which contains many people in a small space. That fact alone gets people's hoo-ha in an uproar.

Everybody is a phoney. Even the ducks in Central Park are phoney.