Customer Reviews

Getting to Calm: Cool-Headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens + Teens

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Ok, the first thing you need to know is that I'm not a psychologist, or teacher or social worker. I'm a 50-something male attorney on my third teen! The next thing you should know is that this isn't a book I would have picked up at the bookstore on my own. However, since my wife "gently" suggested I read it, I gave it a go. The first chapter struck home ("Why are Today's Teens so Rude?") and I was hooked from there...didn't stop until I finished the last page. The book is full of down to earth, easily understood advice and although it was not intuitive for a 50-something attorney who often falls into debate mode with his kids, I found it incredibly helpful. Highly recommended reading for those looking to steer clear of courtroom drama with their teens!

Getting to Calm: Cool-Headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens and Teens

This book is quite readable and reasonable. I particularly liked the up-to-the-minute brain information, which explains teen behaviors (and parents', too)in ways that take the moral sting out of negative behaviors. I found the language helpful; for example, "rudeness" is a better description of typical teen behavior than "defiance." And "discipline" is really, at its root, about learning, not punishing. The chapter on entitlement and indulgence is superb.

I have no hesitation in recommending this book for all parents, even if they don't yet have teens!

This book would have been a powerful resource for me to have been able to recommend to parents when I was a secondary school teacher for thirty years. In the book the authors say that teachers are experts, and yes, they are a good resource, but this book is amazing. They don't just tell you about strategies; they walk you through conversations between teens and their parents showing not only the content, but also the process, analyzing what each participant's responses. They point out mistakes that parents make and explain what parents should avoid, but also show how to be more successful talking with teenagers.

The book covers so many issues which come up. The chapter, "When You're Fighting About Grades", is just one of many that could be so helpful to all parents. The section titled "Seven Top Tips for Boosting School Achievement" in that chapter offers excellent guidelines as does "The ABC'S of Family Health" in the chapter about getting stressed out. They also deal with drinking, smoking, dating, and the use of electronic devices all while pointing out what it is like to be a teenager.

By the end of the book the reader is shown two scripts where two different fathers take diverse approaches with a daughter who has received a poor progress report. The successful parent shown is "calm, careful and skillful" and as a reader, I felt empowered to use their strategies not only with teenagers, but with any family member. The thought-out careful approach can make all the difference.

I would recommend this book to all parents of teenagers. Would anyone want to miss the section about "More Responsibility for Kids"?

Love this book! Finally a straight forward guide to understanding and decoding your teenager. Current research on teen brain development, how good kids can make bad decisions and most importantly how to respond effectively as a calm parent. I particulary liked the real life dialogue between parent and teenager and the decoding provided by Kastner and Wyatt. Priceless advice for any parent who is raising a teenager!

Finally a book about the challenges faced by normal kids with decent parents! Getting to Calm is grounded in the latest research about adolescent brain development but is chock-a-block with practical stories about real families. It strikes a balance between complexity and simplicity, drama and normalcy, sympathy and accountability that is much akin to the balance the authors advocate for teens and parents.

Without minimizing teen problems (which can be overwhelming), the emphasis on normal development offers a through-line of hope and a set of tangible goals. We are reminded that in wrestling with active, authoritative, loving, risk-allowing parents, teens acquire the skills to deal with the adult world. The name of the game, always, is growth.

Getting to Calm will help parents figure out when to seek outside help, but that isn't the primary point of the book. It's about having a few more of those tools and insights that ease us through the day-to-day -- so that there's more energy left for remembering why we really do love each other.

Valerie Tarico, Ph.D.
Psychologist
[...]

As a father of two (now twenty-something) sons, I am lamenting that there wasn't "Getting to Calm" when I was in the peak of parenting! Kastner and Wyatt have created a highly informed - and practical - manual for families. I read a number of parenting books over ten years ago, and found none as helpful as this one. So much of parenting is dealing with escalating, "on-the-ground" situations, and this book has excellent advice for that. The Family Story format demonstrates the "if-then" nature of discussions with teens. Each statement, depending on how it is made and received, can lead to an inflammatory response or to a "calm" one. The authors point out the great benefits now available from advances in brain research. A must-read for all parents of teens!

"Getting to Calm" provides useful examples of constructive (and destructive) interactions between parents and teens, highlighting many of the traps we easily fall into as we struggle to parent teenagers through the myriad of challenges they face as adolescents. This book is packed full of wise advise for parents of teens, written in an extremely accessible style. I particularly appreciate the authors' suggestion to hold debriefing sessions following teen missteps -- first, listening with empathy, then asking the teen to critique their own behavior, reflecting on where they went wrong and how they might have made different decisions. Parents are shown how to sidestep power struggles and avoid destructive patterns of accusation and labeling, instead using mistakes as a platform for learning, growth, and relationship building.

The models of effective parenting presented in "Getting to Calm" demonstrate parents communicating respect and caring, while sticking to the boundaries and guidelines so needed by teenagers. The book provides samples of dialogue where, by adopting a "calm" approach, parents are able to convey faith in their child, and a sense that even in the throws of a crisis situation the teen is fundamentally a good kid and wise person who may have made a big mistake and can learn from it. The authors provide practical strategies and advice for helping parents manage their own sometimes less that ideal reactions and responses and guide their teen in making wise choices. This book provides tangible solutions for parents struggling with the common difficulties of raising teens.

Lorinda R. Rowledge, Ph.D.

Laura Kastner and Jennifer Wyatt are wonderful hosts into the lives of teens. Whether it's waiting for a girl to call, getting caught cheating on a test, or feeling pressured to have sex, Kastner and Wyatt walk parents through many of the challenges teens are up against. The family stories and parent/child dialogues in Getting to Calm help parents get clear about their own convictions and develop a more neutral posture toward the job of parenting a teen.
Kastner and Wyatt support their readers' family leadership by reminding us that emotions are contagious, and that we can help our teens regain their calm by hanging onto our own composure when things get hot. They also give parents concrete, confidence-building options for dealing with the speed bumps and blow-ups that come with adolescence.
As a stepparent of former teenagers, I was grateful to the authors for explaining and exploring the difference between teen romance and teen sex. Early relationships set the table for later relationships, and Kastner and Wyatt help us respect the importance of these often dramatic, intense, and all-consuming first loves.
As the authors make clear, the work starts with each parent taking responsibility for themselves and their leadership in the family. Getting to Calm tells parents what to expect, and helps us formulate a plan for dealing with most of it while keeping our relationship with our teens intact.
Kimberly McKenna
[...]

My daughter was way beyond 'wit's end' with her 13-year old. A battle to get her up and send her to bed, with non-stop Attitude between. The household was so disrupted by the endless emotional commotion that they were thinking seriously about medications and psychiatrists. I heard this book mentioned, ordered a copy, read it in one night, and handed to my daughter. "Read it now," I said. "You need this book."

Have the problems disappeared? Certainly not! We have a 13-year old girl in our lives! But her mother has a new and powerful tool. When conflict begins, Mom dashes away for a quick consultation; the chapters and sections are designed to work this way, offering on-the-spot, targeted strategies. And the hidden secret of this book is that the "Getting to Calm" begins with calming the parents. It works so well that my daughter refers to the book as "my valium!" And, faced with relaxed and confident parents, my granddaughter is sailing through her "moments" with much greater ease.

The book is realistic, about both teens and their parents. The calming begins when you realize that you don't have the only child that behaves this way and that you aren't the only parent who is hurt & angry. The book takes time to discuss what is happening, physiologically and psychologically; it helps to know that this stage is as necessary and natural as it is trying. The case studies are realistic, the voice of the book is wise & friendly, and the recommendations really really work.

I really liked this book. I am a psychologist and there are few good books available on parenting teenagers. I found this book helpful and informative. It provided good insights regarding the developmental tasks of adolescence and how to help teens cope with the myriad challenges teens face. The authors provide good advice on choosing battles with teens and how to maintain a positive and engaged relationship with teens in spite of their occasional poor choices.