Getting to Commitment: Overcoming the 8 Greatest Obstacles to Lasting Connection (And Finding the Courage to Love) [Paperback]

Steven Carter (Author), Julia Sokol (Contributor)

Book Description

Publication Date: January 24, 2000

Getting to Commitment offers understanding, inspiration, and a concrete plan of action for any woman, man, or couple who is ready to tackle the eight most destructive demons that make people run from loving relationships.

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Do your relationships always crash? Do your married friends wonder what's wrong? "They write sitcoms about people like us," says "commitmentphobia" expert Steven Carter, "but it looks a lot more fun on the small screen than it feels in real life." The problem may be your fear of the risks of intimacy and commitment. Carter himself was a closet "commitmentphobic" when he wrote Men Who Can't Love. Now, in Getting to Commitment, he explains how to break those patterns and forge intimate connections--as he has done in his own life.

Carter sees eight hurdles between you and the relationship you deserve. He deftly analyzes each problem, points out self-destructive nonsolutions, and explains the steps necessary to break the barrier. For example, one hurdle is blaming your partners' shortcomings for the failure of previous relationships. Breaking the pattern involves seeing how you choose particular partners and self-destruct in relationships--going from blame to responsibility. Other hurdles include relationship-history ghosts, living in fantasy, and ineffective behavior patterns. "If we are to experience intimacy, our hearts have to be brave as well as loving," says Carter. Getting to Commitment will help you find that courage. Highly recommended. --Joan Price --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Publishers Weekly

Author (with Sokol) of the bestselling Men Who Can't Love, Carter, again writing with Sokol, offers advice here for both men and women with "commitmentphobia." While recognizing the "hard work" of long-term relationships, he focuses almost exclusively on "old choices, old habits, old fantasies, old programs, old language, old doubts, and old fears" that sabotage relationships in their very early stages. Carter claims that by examining and clearing out these impediments, "[t]he possibility for real love and commitment slowly blossoms in front of you like a beautiful flower." He thoroughly explores the need to stop blaming, and to understand and release old relationship "ghosts"; to develop and maintain a healthy sense of self and "self-protection"; distinguish fantasy from reality; reveal your true self; accept differences and imperfections; change old patterns; and work through anxieties. Commitment to a relationship, according to Carter, requires time, desire, energy, risk, help (from friends, family, support groups and professional therapists), mutual effort and faith. Most of all, he warns, it takes "courage." Readers will find understanding and wise counsel here for difficult feelings and self-defeating behaviors that may be hard to face, from a man who shares his own commitment fears and how he overcame them. 50,000 first printing; author tour.
Copyright 1998 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 256 pages
• Publisher: M.Evans & Company (January 24, 2000)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0871319055
• ISBN-13: 978-0871319050
• Product Dimensions: 9.1 x 6 x 0.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 13.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (21 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #133,893 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

21 of 21 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Insight at Last !, June 23, 2000

By A Customer

This review is from: Getting to Commitment : Overcoming the 8 Greatest Obstacles to Lasting Connection (And Finding the Courage to Love) (Hardcover)

I am a female in and out of a relationship with a man that has severe anxiety and has bailed out on me several times. This book has given me insight on why he is doing this and what part I may be playing into this scenario. I have identified what I need to work on in myself and can see what he needs to do to face his fears. I believe that counseling is a must but the book can serve a purpose in that it brings to light obstacles that are put in the way of actully connecting in a real way to another person. I found this book enlightening especially since it was written by a man that had the same issues and has overcome them and now is happily married.

19 of 19 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Illuminates the barriers to committed relationships, November 6, 1998

By A Customer

This review is from: Getting to Commitment : Overcoming the 8 Greatest Obstacles to Lasting Connection (And Finding the Courage to Love) (Hardcover)

"Getting to commitment" moves beyond Carter's previous book ("Men Who Can't Love") in two significant ways. First, he recognizes that commitment issues are not just a "guy" problem. Both sexes have them, frequently for the same reasons that are often deeply rooted in our childhood or adolescence.To Carter, these negative experiences hinder development of a mature, whole "Self", and are the basis for insecurities that become barriers to commitment. Second, Carter moves beyond simply identifying symptoms -- the warning signs for potential partners -- and meaningfully addresses proactive steps those with commitment problems can take to overcome the barriers to a fulfilling relationship. Significantly, Carter has traveled this road himself, which lends credibility to his prescriptions. The basis for his solutions is that those with commitment problems must take responsibility to be totally content with themselves and their own lives before they seek a relationship with someone else. A must read for anyone afflicted with commitment issues or involved with someone who is.

23 of 24 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars It began to make sense, June 4, 2002

By 

"akirzy" (Bend, OR USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Getting to Commitment : Overcoming the 8 Greatest Obstacles to Lasting Connection (And Finding the Courage to Love) (Hardcover)

I've been in and out of what seemed to be great relationships. I've had 5 men ask me to marry them (I did marry one of them, then divorced him). But, I never could understand why when things were getting good why I always thought that they were so bad. I had been running the whole time and didn't even know it until I read this book. I can't say enough about the insight this provides to a person. If you think that it is because of the other person in you life that you can't settle down or if you know that it may be you. Please read this book. It will begin to make sense.