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Getting to 'I Do': The Secret to Doing Relationships Right! Paperback – February 1, 1995

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Frequently Bought Together

Getting to 'I Do': The Secret to Doing Relationships Right! + The Truth About Men Will Set You Free: The New Science of Love and Dating + The Answers Book from Dr. Pat Allen
Price for all three: $38.57

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Product Details

  • Paperback: 272 pages
  • Publisher: William Morrow Paperbacks; First Edition edition (February 1, 1995)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0380718154
  • ISBN-13: 978-0380718153
  • Product Dimensions: 5.2 x 0.6 x 8 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 7 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (146 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #34,421 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Psychotherapist Allen offers advice on ways to cultivate long-term relationships.
Copyright 1995 Reed Business Information, Inc.


"Just what cupid ordered!" -- -- Beverly Hills Today

"Move over, Dr. Ruth!" -- -- Los Angeles Magazine

"The woman's movement brought us independence, but it did not bring us love." -- -- Dr. Patricia Allen

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Customer Reviews

I would recommend this book to anyone in a relationship.
It gives you the tools to better understand your mate and to help you take your relationship in the direction that suits you!
Laura Jordan
I truly appreciate learning the characteristics of both the masculine energy and feminine energy.
Althea Moses

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

90 of 93 people found the following review helpful By Brian Ziegler on July 17, 1999
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
A friend of mine is always encouraging me to go for what "cooks me". Well this book cooked me.
First off, I am a guy and this book is definitely written to the female audience. So I had to keep transposing and interpreting as I went along. As I read it I found that I was having all kinds of reactions ranging from HECK NO! to DARN RIGHT!
One of my first reactions was to a subheading in the first chapter DO YOU WANT IT ALL, OR ARE YOU WILLING TO COMPROMIXE TO GET HIM? that really pushed my buttons because one of the issues that I am working on in my life is not settling.
What kept me going through the book were the examples and how many were true for my life. One of the best insights in the book for me was that rejecting someone can be an act of love. The author advocates either accepting or rejecting someone, both are acts of love. What is not an act of love is to tolerate someone.
I think that many of my concerns with the book could have been alleviated if the material in the chapter FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES, which is at the end of the book, would have been placed at the beginning. For me, it sets the context in which the rest of the book is written rather than being a summary. It directly addresses many of the concerns that I had as I read the rest of the book.
There is much of value in here, and even though it is written for women and I don't agree with everything in the book, I'd recommend it to anyone interested in improving relationships in their life simply because it is so thought-provoking.
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114 of 121 people found the following review helpful By Shannon on February 8, 2006
Format: Paperback
I'm what you call a serial monogamist. I have always had boyfriends. Some for a year, two years, etc. I have a great social life, I am successful and very attractive. I have never had a problem meeting, dating or having long and honest relationships with men. But, something happened in my late 20's. There I was, 27, single (for a minute), living in New York, working in the fashion industry and my clock went off-I wanted to find a partner for life, I wanted to find my husband. Now, this was very different than having a boyfriend, this was the big leagues. I didn't have any clue how I needed to go about this.

"Getting to I Do" catalogued various relationship scenarios, where the authors pointed out what worked and what didn't. I have to be honest, being a self-supportive "modern woman", I at first thought that the simplistic illustrations of male/female dynamics were really old-fashioned and that I might as well just talk it out with my grandmother. But, the book went way beyond just designating roles. For me it helped me to embrace the woman I was and to understand the relationship dynamic I wanted to have.

The book is terrific. I read it and applied it to my next relationship-someone I fell in love with and wanted to marry. I went through the "phases" as stated in the book and when it got down to the "negotiation" phase, my boyfriend wanted to move to France, with me. Great! But, not without an engagement. Turns out he was not ready to be married. It was a very painful to think about being without him. To have my dreams of being married to him dissolve. Fortunaltely, I had learned that I would be putting myself through so much more pain and anguish if I had up-rooted my life without any commitment other than being a great boyfriend. So, I let him go.
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23 of 23 people found the following review helpful By marlakay312 on June 27, 2011
Format: Paperback
Two years ago I was an absolute mess about love and I could not see a way out. I was in my late twenties and certain I wanted to get married but just felt hopeless that I'd ever find someone.. my dating history was full of jerks! I picked up Getting To I Do in that dark place and I can't express with words how grateful I am that I did. This book COMPLETELY changed the way I date. The advice seems old fashioned and is not for feminists but it really, truly works. Six months after reading this book I met the love of my life, who is an absolutely incredible, dream-come-true-of-a-man and I have never been so happy. We got engaged last month and I can't wait to marry him. I've never even written an amazon review before, but I know I'd never be where I am without this book so I felt like I had to share my experience. I tell all my single girlfriends who feel unlucky in love to read it. I'm telling you... get this book, give her advice a try, and get ready to feel completely secure and confident in love!
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79 of 90 people found the following review helpful By L O'connor on July 19, 2005
Format: Paperback
I usually totally despise self-help books of the 'how to get a man and keep him' type, but this one, although like most self-help books pretty silly, does contain some quite sensible advice.

Dr. Allen's theory is that everyone is either a 'feminine energy' person or a 'masculine energy' person. The masculine eneergy personis the leader who cherishes his mate, the feminine energy person is the follower who respects her leader. Dr. Allen doesn't think it matters whether the man or the woman is the leader or the follower (this makes her more flexible than the authors of most such books), but she maintains that you must have one of each, she doesn't think 'equal' relationships can work.

If you decided to be the 'feminine energy' woman (as she thinks most women will probably want to be) you let the man make the running, make the decisions (so long as they are not unethical, immoral, or something that can harm you or your children), and accept what he gives you graciously (that includes accepting things you might not particularly care for, like unwanted advice). You always give back less than you take, because a feminine energy woman must love herself more than her man.

One of her theories is that men want to marry virtupous women, so you must not sleep with a man until he has 'committed' to you, if you want to marry him. I don't know how true this is generally, but it certainly wasn't true in my own case, I slept with all the men I went out with before they'd 'committed' to me, but nevertheless some of them did want to marry me.

The part of this book I enjoyed the most is the chapter called 'Finding the Toad in every Prince' in which she describes how you cope when you discover the things about your prospective mate that you don't like.
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