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Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples [Paperback]

Harville Hendrix
4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (129 customer reviews)


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Book Description

September 1, 2001
The bestselling guide to transforming an intimate relationship into a lasting source of love and companionship., with a new foreword and chapter from the author

In Getting the Love You Want, Dr. Harville Hendrix presents the relationship skills that have already helped hundreds of thousands of couples to replace confrontation and criticism with a healing process of mutual growth and support. This extraordinary practical guide describes the revolutionary technique of Imago Relationship Therapy, which combines a number of disciplines--including the behavioral sciences, depth psychology, cognitive therapy, and Gestalt therapy, among others-- to create a program to resolve conflict and renew communication and passion.

Getting the Love You Want describes the three stages of intimate relationships, provides illustrative case studies and gives helpful recommendations to overcome the obstacles in those stages to create a stronger bond between couples. First, he chronicles the stages of most relationships-attraction, romantic love and the power struggle-and suggests ways for partners to identify the conflicts associated with each of them. Then, he explores methods for achieving a "Conscious Marriage," where the early phases of romance are rekindled and confrontation is slowly replaced by growth and support. Finally, Dr. Hendrix incorporates these ideas into a unique therapeutic course, offering a series of proven exercises that lead to insight, resolution and revitalization. Step by step, he describes how to communicate with greater accuracy and sensitivity, how to let go of self-defeating behaviors, and how to focus energy on meeting each partners' needs.

With Getting the Love You Want couples in any stage of a relationship can resolve their conflicts and achieve mutual emotional satisfaction.

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Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

When Harville Hendrix writes about relationships, he discusses them not just as an educator and a therapist, but as a man who has himself been through a failed marriage. Hendrix felt the sting of his divorce intensely because he believed it signaled not only his failure as a husband but also his failure as a couples counselor. Investigating why his marriage dissolved led him to start looking into the psychology of love. Marriage, he ultimately discovered, is the "practice of becoming passionate friends."

As a result of his research, Hendrix created a therapy he calls Imago Relationship Therapy. In it, he combines what he's learned in a number of disciplines, including the behavioral sciences, depth psychology, cognitive therapy, and Gestalt therapy, to name just a few. He expounds upon this approach in Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. His purpose in writing the book, he says, is "to share with you what I have learned about the psychology of love relationships, and to help you transform your relationship into a lasting source of love and companionship."

Divided into three sections, the book covers "The Unconscious Marriage," which details a marriage in which the remaining desires and behavior of childhood interfere with the current relationship; "The Conscious Marriage," which shows a marriage that fulfils those childhood needs in a positive manner; and a 10-week "course in relationship therapy, " which gives detailed exercises for you and your partner to follow in order to learn how to "replace confrontation and criticism ... with a healing process of mutual growth and support." The text is occasionally dry and technical; however, the information provided is valuable, the case studies are interesting, and the exercises are revealing and helpful. By utilizing his program, Hendrix hopes you too will be able to solve your marital difficulties without the expense of a therapist. --Jenny Brown --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Review

"Getting the Love You Want is a remarkable book--the most incisive and persuasive I have ever read on the knotty problems of marriage relationships."--Ann Roberts, Former President, Rockefeller Family Fund

"Harville Hendrix offers the best program I've seen for using the love/hate energy in marriage to help a couple heal one another and to become whole together."--T. George Harris, Editor-in-Chief, American Health magazine

"This book will help any couple find the love they want hidden under all the concealing confusion of a close and intimate relationship. I have seen these principles in application and they work!"--James A. Hall, M.D.

Product Details

  • Paperback: 303 pages
  • Publisher: Holt Paperbacks; First Edition edition (September 1, 2001)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0805068953
  • ISBN-13: 978-0805068955
  • Product Dimensions: 8.2 x 5.5 x 1 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 12.8 ounces
  • Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (129 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #49,102 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., a clinical pastoral counselor and co-creator of Imago Relationship Therapy, has more than thirty-five years' experience as an educator, public lecturer, and couples' therapist.

Customer Reviews

The book is an easy read, too. Rosemary Thornton  |  20 reviewers made a similar statement
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
280 of 293 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
The relationship/self-help book market is booming. When looking for one of these books you are presented with a bewildering array of "experts" and "specialists", each with their pet theories about where men and women come from or what "rules" you should apply to your relationship.

It is rare to find a book written by an author with solid academic credentials and years of clinical practice. This book is one such find.

The book is organized into three parts. In part I, Dr. Hendrix describes the type of relationships most of us have - "Unconscious Marriage". In this section, he details how our childhood experiences, self image and ideals of romantic love combine to create an unstated power struggle between spouses. Often many books stop at this point, assuming that the reader can now go forth and solve their problems. Fortunately Dr. Hendrix continues.

In the second part, he describes what a more fulfilling relationship might look like, the "Conscious Marriage". He describes how to begin with commitment, stop destructive exit patterns, creating a zone of safety, understanding yourself and your partner, how to begin real self growth and containing rage. He closes by providing two examples of marriages that have been transformed by applying these techniques. The exercises and approaches described by Dr. Hendrix are hard. His most meaningful techniques are not quick tricks but require a lot of introspection and self awareness. As he mentions in his book, many couples may require external assistance (we did). However, his techniques provides lasting changes in the way that you interact with your partner.

The final part of the book is a series of exercises that help drive how the major points in each chapter of the preceding two sections....

We have tried a number of different books/techniques to help our relationship and we found this one to be the most helpful by orders of magnitude. I hope it works well for others Read more ›

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164 of 176 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Life Changing!!! February 27, 2001
By A Customer
Format:Paperback
Let me start by saying I am not a self-help book devotee. That said, this book has revolutionized my relationship with my husband and taken it to a new level. BUT... I recommend this book for only those seriously committed to REALLY wanting an honest, soul-fully deep relationship. This is not a quick fix book full of easy answers. If you are looking for a book to tell you how to fix your partner or get them to be what you want them to be, don't buy this book.

To make the concepts in Getting The Love You Want work, it takes a tremendous amount of gut wrenchingly honest introsepction, humility, willingness to do things completely differently, and total selflessness. It's hard work.

But if you do what this book suggests, your life will be forever changed ... in all your relationships. This book has changed my life and enriched it beyond belief. I read the book - my husband didn't. Although he was not a proactive participant in the process, his life has been equally impacted and we are getting all we ever hoped for from each other.

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146 of 158 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Solid insight, not just for after problems start. April 23, 2005
Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase
When I told a pastor friend of mine a short time ago that I was ready to start pursuing a relationship again he recommend this book. When I noticed that it referred to itself as a guide to couples I thought maybe he'd made a mistake recommending it to me, however, as soon as I started getting into it I realized why he thought it'd be helpful to read even before I got into a relationship.

I'd recommend this book to both couples in crisis and those just trying to make things better as well as to any, like myself, that simply want to work on knowing ourselves better before getting into a relationship. It is also very helpful in being able to form insight into how others relate to us in a relationship, why they expect what they do and why we expect what we do.

Some of the author's insight into how childhood wounds effect us are very helpful in seeing how some of our personality gets formed and how those traits affect both our partners and ourselves. When two people start a relationship they both have expectations, conscious and subconscious, of what they expect the other person to do for them. Obviously in a healthy relationship both people are trying to love and give to the other person because giving and loving and being unselfish are traits we all recognize as being "good" and honourable and most healthy people desire to be good or Godly in some form or another.

What is not so obvious, and what I found most helpful in my reading of this book, is that people go into a relationship with the expectation that the other person will heal us where we were wounded and hurt as children. This unconscious desire to have our partners fill the need left behind by our less than perfect parents often is the cause of the ensuing battles and eventual breakdown of relationships.
... Read more ›
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81 of 88 people found the following review helpful
By A Customer
Format:Paperback
The wonderful thing about Hendrix's book is that it is designed to help you restore your relationship not just understand how it fell apart.

We marry often by chance or peer pressure and live to wonder how "we got into this."

Hendrix shows us how to meet our own legitimate needs and understand how to meet our partners'.

In the end we cannot badger our partner into changing or loving us.

It is us who must change and in doing so we change the conduct of our partner.

We need to understand both, but work on ourselves.

Any one who feels stress in any relationship should read and understand the "imago" and our limbic brains use of it.

As Tina Turner says, "Whats love got to do with it,...its just a second hand emotion"

Well she half right. Visceral love has a lot to do with who we married, but mature love has as much to do with staying married.

Dr Hendrix is terrific.

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Most Recent Customer Reviews
2.0 out of 5 stars False advertising
Ordered a NEW book - received a used book with a torn cover. Also, had a yard sale tag for .50 cents on the cover. Can you believe that. The problem pain in the butt to send back. Read more
Published 1 month ago by erich
4.0 out of 5 stars Good Relationship Read
I would recommend this book to everyone in a relationship. It makes you look at the other person's point of view. Well worth your time.
Published 2 months ago by miami_ice_princess
3.0 out of 5 stars Just ok
If you really want the love you want....you have to compromised, not read a book, you have to communicate, and have fun together, work together and you will have all the love you... Read more
Published 3 months ago by Sparkie
5.0 out of 5 stars Fabulous! Insightful!!
Everyone should read this book, whether in a relationship or not... great for helping one to understand not only their partner, but themselves as well
Published 5 months ago by Rebecca A. Gomes
5.0 out of 5 stars A Definite Book for BOTH to read!
I have read this book a couple of times at least! The principles and ideas this book offers is invaluable for both singles and couples. Read more
Published 5 months ago by Janet Schmid
4.0 out of 5 stars Couple Guide
This book is a good read for men and women alike
I didn't want to read it but once I started I had to finish it.
Published 5 months ago by Dennis J. Bacon
5.0 out of 5 stars It is a guide
This book is a guide to help couple keep love alive in their relationship. It is hands on and has wonderful exercises
Published 6 months ago by Phoenix Rising
4.0 out of 5 stars Gems and a Journey
This book has insightful knowledge that is paramount to those having difficulties finding a healthy, happy, developing relationship. Read more
Published 15 months ago by Jesse Giles Christiansen
4.0 out of 5 stars great book.
a great learning tool. I read it cover to cover and I think it will help me now and in the future.
Published 16 months ago by debbee
5.0 out of 5 stars Awesome for ANY couple!
This book is old but will never go out of style! It has information AND exercises which would help ANY couple's marriage - whether you are on the verge of divorce or blissfully... Read more
Published 21 months ago by Stacie K. Maslyn
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