Customer Reviews

Getting the Love You Want Workbook: The New Couples' Study Guide

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Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, our society looks upon marriage as the prelude to living "happily ever after." When marriage does not lead to this expected happiness, typically we believe that is because we have chosen the wrong person, and that the solution often is to divorce and find Mr. or Ms. Right.

Harville Hendrix does a fantastic job explaining why this approach does not work. In "Getting the Love You Want Workbook," Dr. Hendrix briefly reviews his theory about how couples become attracted-and how this basis of attraction frequently sows the seeds for relationship problems. The meat of the book is a 12-week series of exercises for couples.

If you're not familiar with Dr. Hendrix's Imago theory from either "Getting the Love You Want" (written for couples) and "Keeping the Love You Find" (written for singles), and are considering getting this workbook, you really need to read "Getting" too. (My partner and I started the workbook exercises without having read all of "Getting" but we both were familiar with the Imago from "Keeping" and from previous counseling experiences.)

So what is this Imago and what exercises will you find in the workbook?

According to Dr. Hendrix, we search for partners who embody both the positive and negative traits we experienced from our family of origin/childhood caretakers. By finding a partner with these familiar traits, including traits that we do not have, we compensate for the positive parts of ourselves that we cut out in childhood. We also have a chance to heal childhood wounds in our partner and ourselves. Dr. Hendrix's exercises are designed to help couples develop a "conscious marriage" in which they change to become the person their partner needs in order to heal, and their partner does the same.

The workbook exercises begin by having the couple develop a mutual vision of their ideal relationship. In their second session, the couple works on a mirroring, validating, and empathizing communication technique. The next several sections focus on identifying one's Imago, and learning about the partner's Imago. Further exercises address ways that couples close themselves off to each other, renewing romance, containing anger, and solidifying the changes made during the process.

When I began the Imago exercises, I was startled to discover ways in which my current and former partners-men who I considered to be very different-had a stunning amount of good and bad traits in common with my parents. Of course, that is Dr. Hendrix's point. When you find someone who reminds of you all the positive things you remember from your family of origin, you unconsciously also are attracted to negative traits that they bring with them.

The pacing and organization of the workbook exercises worked really well. Although the workbook is based on the exercises at the end of "Getting," I thought the exercises here are organized much better. The workbook has couples develop better communication skills before identifying their Imago-a change from the book. My partner and I, who were barely speaking to each other the week before we started this workbook, really felt connected after completed the relationship vision exercise. And although we both were familiar with the "mirroring" communication technique, in which you paraphrase the other person's statement, I found that Dr. Hendrix additional steps of validating the statements with comments like "I see" or "I understand" and them emphasizing made me feel really heard when I had touchy issues to discuss and, conversely, made me feel more understanding toward my partner when he had things to tell me that I didn't necessarily want to hear.

Following the exercises in order is important. My partner and his former wife did the anger containment exercise in marriage counseling, without having completed the earlier steps, and found this exercise unhelpful. Doing later-session exercises without first rebuilding connection through developing a mutual relationship vision, building communication skills and acquiring understanding about the wounds the partner needs likely would be harmful to a relationship.

I would recommend "Getting the Love You Want" and the companion workbook to any couple who wants to strengthen their relationship. My one caveat would be that this approach does not seem appropriate for relationships with serious substance abuse and/or domestic violence issues.

By the way, initially I was skeptical about whether we really needed the workbooks, but I am glad we bought them. The exercises are laid out much more clearly, and the amount of time you need to set aside each week is specified at the beginning of each session. Incidentally, the authors recommend purchasing two workbooks, which my partner and I did we do not live in the same city, but a cohabiting couple probably could share one workbook and complete the exercises in separate notebook.

My only criticism is Dr. Hendrix's decision to discuss relationships as "marriages," despite emphasizing that couples in unmarried committed relationships can benefit from his approach. More inclusive terminology would have been welcome.

When this reviewer first started the partnering help guide I began by just reading, but that proved inadequate and I did not need a fifty page rule to see that. Instead, I drafted my husband (who else) and like a trouper he volunteered (I think he expected to score) his services. Over the next thirteen weeks (twelve week course but we are slow learners), we followed the easy step by step instructions learning some interesting things about one another, surprisingly myself (talk about obsessive - no wonder I average three books a day) and Stan learned some things about himself (I just wish he didn't name it Harriet Hemorrhoid) once he took it seriously.

Though this book is a fine stand alone, straightforward to apply, and will immensely help couples, there are some segments that would be easier to understand ( but not necessary) if the participants had handy GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT for further explanation. The couple requires discipline to adhere to the three basic three rules over the three month period; that will prove to be worth the time if you care about your significant other and the relationship between you. The obvious implied risk is that if you do not care that will surface too. Participants will understand their own personal desires and frustrations and that of their partner, as well as those that forge from a stronger team sharing a loving relationship. Whether you are having problems or not, this guide will assist couples in strengthening their teaming by both of you "getting the love you want."

Harriet Klausner

This is, in part a response to the review by Abashed. As someone who has done both self-directed couple growth exercises and counselor directed exercises, I can say that the book probably needs to be used with a degree of caution. I certainly intend to buy and use a copy. BUT, I am aware that if, as we use the exercises, a potential problem starts to surface -- then it is time to seek a professional who is trained in Imago therapy.
For most couples, the exercises in this book are likely to be a source of growth and joy. But if you start to find something else please try to find assistance.
Any self-help book in the field of psychology has this potential pitfall. The growth process is seldom completely straight-forward.
Please note that I am not saying, "Don't buy this book." I believe that it may be a source of growth for many couples. I believe that Harville Hendrix has one of the best conceptual frameworks for relationship. What I am saying is that growth is risky, and that if you and your partner start to feel problems or less close, it may be time to seek professional assistance.
Good luck and good loving to all.

The philosophy of relationships that Dr. Haskill has developed is well researched and eye opening. The excersizes in the workbook are useful tools for willing couples to use to find a deeper understanding of themselves and better communication.
However, the workbook is not necessary if you buy the book "Getting the Love you want;" you can use your own notebook to do the sessions which comprise section 3 of the book, as well as the workbook.
I do highly recommend this item, for anyone who believes that the answer to trouble in a love relationship is not to abandon the loved one but to first resolve the issues that have surfaced. The author has really hit on something.

I am only writing this to warn others you'll need the other book to be able to use this workbook. I don't have the other book so I have not been able to use any of the workbook.

I have studied and practiced several models for couples counseling and this one by Hendrix is by far the best. Make sure to read the book as well.

Harville Hendricks has provided a clear and easily followed outline for couples to follow as they work on their marriage. It teaches effective communication which is the foundation of a successful marriage. I heartily endorse this book.

Having failed to come to any type of resolution in our marriage that brought peace, my wife and I were separated and things were not looking good for our future. Our therapist recommended Finding The Love you Want, and the workbook. My wife and I both made a commitment to read the book and to do the exercises in the workbook...and within days of reading the book, our relationship began to transform. We are just finishing the book now, and beginning the workbook, but we have seen a complete reversal in how we see ourselves, each other, and out marriage now. If you are committed to any relationship, and you desire a method of relating to that person...and are willing to take a good look at yourself too...This book and workbook will transform you and your relationship.

I am a therapist and this book was recommended to me by a therapist. I use it with my clients, especially the very difficult ones. It has transformed their relationships. I highly recommend the book. This is also great for couples to work on their own with the companion book, "Getting the Love you Want". I think it is better to work on one lesson at a time with a therapist so the couple remains objective and gets the most out of it but if not, "It's definitely better than leaving them to their own devices".

Really looking forward to completing this process w/ my boyfriend. Note: You need TWO workbooks, one for each of you, and the book - read the book first.