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Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On -- Together or Apart Paperback – January 6, 2007

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Frequently Bought Together

Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On -- Together or Apart + After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, 2nd Edition + How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful
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Editorial Reviews

Review

"A worthy and important contribution to understanding and helping couples face one of the worst problems in a marriage."--John M. Gottman, PhD, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

"It has been 4 years since the affair. The hurt lingered for what felt like forever, but our marriage was too precious to just give up on it. Working through understanding how it happened, and how to finally move past it and recover, was the most important thing. We couldn't have made it without the program in this book."--Ann and Patrick O.

"The devastation in our relationship after the revelation of the affair was unbearable. In different ways, we both felt like our hearts were in shreds. Working through the recovery process in this book was a vital part of restoring our marriage. The affair is a part of our history that we’ll never forget, but we learned how to live with it without letting it consume us. Each of us learned important things about ourselves, what made our relationship vulnerable, and how to communicate better. Words cannot express our gratitude!"--Melanie and Larry R.

"After the revelation of the affair, we were both overwhelmed with extreme emotions. The step-by-step approach outlined in this book gave us a structured and caring means to get through the first couple of months and work to understand how we got to this low point in our marriage. We made it through a very tough time and have a stronger relationship now, due to our greater understanding of both ourselves and each other. Without question, the strategies in this book saved our marriage!"--John and Sarah H.

"If your relationship is affected by an affair, this is a practical and compassionate guide about how to cope and move on. The book is full of wisdom and understanding, built from decades of experience helping those hurt by affairs. The authors are three eminent therapists who share the stories of people who have had their relationships shaken by an affair. The book describes a series of steps to get back in control of your life. The steps to recovery progress from coping with the initial shock of discovery, through making sense of what happened, to deciding what happens next. The authors suggest practical exercises to do at each step of the recovery process."--W. Kim Halford, PhD, Griffith University, Brisbane, Queensland, Australia

"A book of exceptional wisdom, compassion, and practical advice from a dynamite team of therapists and researchers. I wish every couple who has experienced the trauma of an affair would read this remarkable book."--William J. Doherty, PhD, author of Take Back Your Marriage

"A calm, clear, and optimistic program for couples going through a crisis of infidelity. This is a wise guide and one I will enthusiastically recommend."--Frank Pittman, MD, author of Private Lies

"This book is wise, practical, and thorough. It guides you through the initial trauma of dealing with an affair, then goes beyond most resources in taking you step by step through the process of understanding what happened and deciding what to do next. This book is like a daily 'house call' from your own personal relationship expert. It is a 'must read' for anyone trying to recover from the trauma of an affair and make good decisions about the future."--Peggy Vaughan, DearPeggy.com, author of The Monogamy Myth

"Far too many self-help guides patronize the reader, bypassing complexity to offer unrealistic freeways of certainty. This excellent book is a notable exception. Written with clarity, the book treats readers as mature adults. With a wealth of clinical experience, these authors clearly know what they are talking about--they understand the complexity of feelings that need to be addressed to get past an affair, and convey that understanding in accessible language. I am sure this book will be of value to both clients and professionals for many years to come."--Barry Mason, DSysPsych, Institute of Family Therapy, London, UK


"Informative in helping to further understand some of the issues faced by people who might have been affected by an affair. As a stand-alone program for anyone attempting to make sense of what might be happening to them after an affair has been disclosed, this book would be helpful to both the 'participating partner' and 'injured partner.' It would also be a useful adjunct to working therapeutically with couples and could supplement a therapeutic program. I would recommend this book to anyone working with couple relationships and indeed to any couple I may encounter who are going though or have experienced an affair."--Sexual and Relationship Therapy
(Sexual and Relationship Therapy 2007-01-08)

"A comprehensive self-help text for couples or individuals experiencing an affair. Both the injured partner and the participating partner are specifically addressed with thought-provoking inquiries into their experiences....An underlying theme of hope is written into the entire book."--Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy
(Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy 2007-01-08)

"A treasure-trove of clinical wisdom firmly informed by a bedrock of clinical research. The three authors are leading couple researchers that exemplify the scientist-practitioner model of clinical psychology....This is a thorough, thoughtfully laid out book....The book is clearly written as a standalone, self-help book but could easily be used as an adjunct to therapy....A deeply compassionate book, as the authors have clearly worked hard to distill their collective clinical and research wisdom to help couples working through the aftermath of an affair. We will be using it in our own teaching and work with couples and highly recommend it to therapists and couples alike."--The Family Psychologist
(The Family Psychologist 2007-01-08)

"[The authors] have designed a program to help couples overcome an affair, understand why it happened, and consider their best options. A particularly helpful chapter supplies suggestions for talking to children, family members, and friends....Full of examples for applying the information; recommended."--Library Journal
(Library Journal 2007-01-08)

About the Author

Douglas K. Snyder, PhD, is Professor of Psychology and Director of Clinical Training at Texas A&M University. He received the American Psychological Association’s award for Distinguished Contributions to Family Psychology for his research on marital satisfaction and therapy. He lives in College Station, Texas, where he also has a private practice.

Donald H. Baucom, PhD, is Professor of Psychology at the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill. His research, funded in part by the National Institutes of Health, focuses on couples and marriage. He lives in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, and was ranked as one of the top marital therapists and researchers in the United States by Good Housekeeping’s national survey of mental health professionals.

Kristina Coop Gordon, PhD, is Associate Professor of Clinical Psychology at the University of Tennessee. Her research focuses on forgiveness, infidelity, and couple therapy. In addition to her academic work, she lives and maintains a private practice in Knoxville, Tennessee.
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Product Details

  • Paperback: 342 pages
  • Publisher: The Guilford Press; 1 edition (January 6, 2007)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 157230801X
  • ISBN-13: 978-1572308015
  • Product Dimensions: 1 x 5.8 x 9 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 15.5 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (56 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #16,913 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

61 of 63 people found the following review helpful By Michael T. Clifford on May 20, 2009
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
I am a marriage and family therapist who only works with couples. Many of these couples come with either a current or past affair as a problem. Until this book came out, I recommended Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. While that is an excellent book, this book is even better. The chapters are crystal clear and specific. Each person is assigned a task in the healing. General principles are stated as frameworks so that each person has a mindset to go by. I will be recommending this book to all couples who come with this problem.
Michael T. Clifford LMFT Everett WA Certified Gottman therapist, Certified Emotion Focused Therapist
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62 of 67 people found the following review helpful By suebee on June 12, 2007
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I highly recommend this book for anyone trying to live through infidelity. I have read several books and this one had so much helpful information. It was written in a way that didn't attack the participating party or the injured party but gave good information for all parties involved. Unfortunately my spouse chose not to read the book with me but reading it really helped me to understand and validate what I was going through. If you are faced with the heartbreak of infidelty this is a must read book. If you don't read anything else, read this.
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12 of 12 people found the following review helpful By M. Brown on August 28, 2012
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We purchased 3 books on this subject and this one was the most helpful. It should definitely be used by a couple with the goal of staying married.
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30 of 36 people found the following review helpful By Kiki on January 9, 2008
Format: Paperback
This is a great book for both partners in the damaged marriage. It uses non-offensive terms to refer to each of the involved parties. It provides very good strategies and examples for coping with the initial stages after the affair is discovered, as well as for working on repairing the marital relationship. It is particularly helpful with suggesting ways for each individual as well as the couple to reflect on why the affair occurred, to deal with emotional reactions, and to communicate with each other going forward. I have read several books, and this is one of the top two or three.
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18 of 21 people found the following review helpful By Dazed and Confused too! on December 16, 2007
Format: Paperback
This book is very 'real'! Not so clinical like many others and helps with both parties to heal together. I bought three books and I find this one the best so far.
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6 of 6 people found the following review helpful By Nancy on December 2, 2014
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Unfortunately I had reason to purchase this book. I had first read After the Affair by Janice Spring. I found this book , Getting Past , was much more practical and down to earth. It had many very helpful concrete suggestions for the different stages and it addresses more than just the hurt and pain that the "betrayed" person feels.

There have been some reviews complaining that this book goes too easy on the person who had the affair and that is let's him/her "off too easy". I really do not feel this book does that at all. What it does is asks both partners to look at their parts in what went wrong with the relationship that contributed towards the affair.
BELIEVE ME, I see no justification for one person to step outside of a committed relationship and seek emotional or sexual connections with an outside person AND, I also believe that regardless of my contributions that led to unhappiness and misunderstandings in our relationship that I did NOT cause the affair to happen and it is NOT my fault it did. It was my partner who chose to seek an outside person due to his unhappiness rather than share that unhappiness with me.
But the value of this book is very important in that it is helping me see more clearly past my pain and to is helping me see more clearly what I do want to happen down the road with us .

AND the more important part is that although my partner is a wonderful person in that he is WILLING to read any book I push at him, and he did read most of After the Affair and a few others, this book has been so much more helpful to him and some of that is due to the way the authors speak in a less BLAMING tone towards the person who had the affair.
Read more ›
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13 of 16 people found the following review helpful By Minnesota Mom on June 11, 2011
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A good book for moving forward in your life. Has exercises to do together. Others who have reviewed this book have said it almost seems like it lets the person who had the affair "off the hook". I have to disagree. It has you calmly and rationally look at your relationship and evaluate it. If you find that what your spouse did is unforgiveable, then fine, but you still will eventually have to move forward from there. This book will help you do that in a healthy way you can live with. And if you ARE able to forgive and move on, it'll help you do that in a healthy way as well. In no way does this book ever tell you what to do. It gives you information and tools that you choose to implement in your life, or choose not to.
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3 of 3 people found the following review helpful By casbah on January 24, 2014
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This book was excellent for so many reasons. 2 years after reading it I still reference it in my head and heart (and have recommended it to others in similar circumstance)... even after the divorce. I genuinely wish the book would also be available to couples that have not suffered an affair but are having obvious difficulty. it makes one look deeply into their own origin and discover "How did we get here?" While the cheating was not caused by the non participating spouse, honest work and evaluation needs to happen to go forward healthier... together or apart.

Important work indeed.

It did not save my marriage... but I definitely think that I have gone forward "healthier" while "alone." For that I will be forever grateful.
Peace to us all.
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