Customer Reviews

Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the Gift of Singleness

5 star:		(18)
4 star:		(5)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(6)
1 star:		(16)

 

 

Celibacy is for the celibate. That is a succinct summary of Debbie Maken's argument in Getting Serious About Getting Married. This book represents a new movement but old movement within the Christian world to re-examine what the church believes on the issues of marriage and singleness. Singleness, we are told, is a gift of God. But, Maken asks, "if singleness is a gift, then why does it make us feel so miserable so often? Does God really want his children to embrace a gift they resent so much?" Single herself for many years, the author reflects on her long-term singleness and her eventual understanding that marriage and singleness are not equal options.

In this book, Maken argues that the church has, in many ways, absorbed our culture's increasing rejection of marriage. Well-meaning but misguided pastors and leaders continue to feed this view by insisting that God regards singless as a special vocation, a unique and godly calling. Relying in particular on Paul's first letter to the Corinthians, they teach that Paul himself, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, advocated singleness. While Maken's interpretation of this passage is not as sound as I might have liked (she argues, for example, that the "I, not the Lord" refers to Paul giving a personal opinion), she shows quite satisfactorily that Paul was not advocating singleness in favor of marriage. Rather, Paul was advocating the gift of celibacy, a spiritual gift that is given to only a few or advocating a temporary delay of marriage during times of intense difficulty or persecution.

And this is where the church has made a serious error. The church has somehow determined that singleness and the gift of celibacy are one and the same. Not so, though, according to Maken. Singlessness is most often a choice or a circumstance, whereas celibacy is a gift of God that, like any spiritual gift, is to be used to His glory. Christian singles often try to console themselves by believing that they have been called to special service to God through their singleness. "Most deliberately single people I have met (people who choose to be single on purpose--usually men) often justify their status by pointing to some sort of pet ministry project on the side. Don't get me wrong--I'm not against ministry projects at all. But people are generally not set apart to singlessness to build Habitat homes, serve once a month at the soup kitchen, or take a missions trip for a week or two each year. All those things can be done with a family--in fact, they can even be done with a family in tow."

The biblical criteria for lifelong singleness are tough. "The Bible requires voluntarily and permanently renouncing marriage and all that goes with it. As 1 Corinthians 7:37 says, it requires one who is 'firmly established in his heart' and is determined to engage in a task that is clearly unaccomodating to family life, a task for the sake of the kingdom of God." Biblical singleness is hard and requires that a person give up dating, sex, and marriage in order to have a wholehearted committment to a special type of service to God. If a person is not called to this type of singleness, he or she is called to marriage. "There is no middle ground." A person who earnestly and passionately desires to be married and to have sexual relationships (both good, natural, God-given desires) simply is not called to be single. The Bible provides no category for people who casually date for years or decades while never committing to marriage.

This view is hardly new, but is the understanding that was held by the Reformers and by most Protestants until only a few decades ago. Many do not know that the Westminster Larger Catechism lists, as one of the things forbidden by the Seventh Commandment, the undue delay of marriage. In some Christian communities, singleness was regarded as abnormal and even as a crime! And yet, in our day, this has radically changed.

Where does the blame for this lie? Maken points the finger at men, saying that the true cause of protracted singleness is the lack of male leadership. She points to television shows such as Seinfeld, Friends and Everybody Loves Raymond, all of which glorify a type of perpetual bachelorhood or a weakened male role in the home. She shows that many men are refusing to grow up, but are living a second childhood even into their thirties and forties. "I believe there are three main factors behind the dearth of leaders: an education system that allows and promotes indefinite schooling, a lack of leadership in the home, and a lack of leadership within the church."

As for the rest of us, Maken says this: "Instead of moving toward marriage unless God calls us otherwise, single women (and men too) have been taught that it is better to say single unless God orders marriage. We have it totally backwards! God already ordered marriage in Genesis. Marriage is the norm God established from the beginning. Marriage is what we're to pursue unless God specifically calls us to remain single."

Maken spends several chapters dealing with the conflicting messages, emotions and beliefs about singleness. She looks at the sovereignty of God in singleness, along with several common exhortations that singles have become accustomed to hearing: "wait on the Lord," "Jesus is all you need," "being single = knowing and serving God better," "single = celibate," and "you need to be the right person to meet the right person" (I would suggest that I am living proof that this is not true! If Aileen had to wait for me to become just the right person, she would be waiting still!).

She concludes with several chapters proposing ways that singles, and women in particular, can find a spouse. She exhorts Christians to reject the dating game and to only form relationships with a potential spouse who is also interested in getting married. She suggests that women should enlist agency in their relationships, most often relying on a parent or a more mature Christian for advice and mediation. And finally, she exhorts men to rediscover biblical manhood and to reclaim the leadership roles God created them for.

Dr. Albert Mohler says of this book that it is "a must-read for all Christian young adults--and for all who love them." I am inclined to agree with Dr. Mohler. While I was not taken with all of Maken's arguments, I do believe that she is generally correct. God has given us marriage as the normative estate. Unless a person has a clear calling to celibacy, he or she should pursue marriage. And this leads us to a place where the book may fall short. How many single men and women have sought marriage but have been unable to find a spouse? What of those for whom things just never seem to work out? There is little counsel for this type of person.

Still, small problems aside (including the obligatory mention of Mother Teresa as a pinnacle of Christian virtue, something that authors really need to stop), this is a good book and one that brings a biblical perspective to what is surely a thorny, emotional issue.

It would be easy to pan this book for its judgemental "smug married" stance and its implausibly retrogressive solutions to the current (non)marriage crisis facing single Christian women, but that would miss the point. Most evangelical writers would rather blame this problem on the larger culture and all it's fleshly temptations, but FINALLY there's someone out there with the moxie to go beyond culture wars and straight to the heart of the matter: REALLY, REALLY BAD CHURCH TEACHINGS!

Oh c'mon! How many of you haven't been told to just "wait on the Lord" for your mate to come along? Or that "Jesus is all you need"? Or that "maybe isn't God's will for you marry"?

Debbie Maken blows these zingers right out of the water, showing that they have little or no biblical basis, that earlier Christians encouraged much more agency in finding a spouse, and that this kind of hyper-spiritual teaching has been an absolute failure in the way that it has immobilized earnest people whose desire for marriage is unfairly and unnecessarily pitted against their desire to please God.

These are not rare exceptions. All you need to do is take a look at a handful of Christian singles discussion boards to see the mass confusion about God's will/sovereignty in regards to mate finding and see the damage done in the way of magical thinking, disillusionment, inertia, ambivilence, missed opportunities, and guilt, guilt, guilt.

Church leaders must examine the bitter fruits of these teachings (which originate in the excesses of late 20th century born-again fever and its promises of special revelations galore) and own up to these unintended consequences. Despite an impressive chapter on the historical views of marriage and singleness, Maken omits this more recent aspect of church history. She also glosses over the shortage of men in our churches of which Lauren Winner said "is real and has historical precedent". Certainly, the dwindling number of single men who are in our churches right now cannot bear the burden for all the surplus single women yearning for husbands, an issue addressed by David Murrow of churchformen.com.

Despite its limitations, I give this book five stars because it's the only work out there to date that dares to even speak of these "no-go" zones. Its lesson is clear: church teachings that overemphasize special revelation for the individual can interfere with the fulfillment of general revelation or God's revealed will for his people, as written in the scriptures. The outcome can be devastating not only for the individuals oppressed in their God-given yearnings for families, but for the church body whose very existence depends on the creation of those families.

This is THE book that single Christian women have been waiting for. As the author points out, the number of singles in our generation has tripled or quadrupled, leaving us with the questions of how, why, and what do we do about it now? This book explores the Biblical answers to these questions and corrects decades of erroneous teachings of the modern-day church about singleness.

The best quality of this book is that it doesn't read like either a dry seminary thesis or a lightweight pop psychology article. The author is able to analyze the historical and Biblical texts necessary to understand the origins and root causes of the issues and at the same time to fully empathize with the reader's feelings of discontentment, loneliness, frustration, etc. She knows all the glib responses offered by the current broken model driven primarily by popular culture, and soundly refutes each of them.

I am so glad that I didn't listen to the "quick and dirty" negative reviews of this insightful work. Anyone that reads this book carefully and thoughtfully will see that (1) the author offers accurate and thorough research and interpretation of the Bible, commentaries, and writings by time-honored theologians like John Calvin and Martin Luther, (2) the author is not simply trying to impose her own married lifestyle on others, since she clearly became convicted about this topic during her own struggles with singleness, (3) the author does not promote rushing into marriage, idolizing marriage as a cure-all, or entering into an arranged marriage; she merely advocates that "it is better to live by what God has intended in regard to marriage than to miss out on its intended fullness because we've seen some unhappy marriages" and (4) the author's advice to single women is both extremely practical and Biblically-based and attacks the problem at its source.

GSAGM--Weak Points:

Luther/Calvin

Maken repeatedly quotes Luther and Calvin to support her position. Reading these great theologians' work does give us valuable insight into historical Christian views about marriage. We must not forget, however, that Luther and Calvin were only theologians, not apostles or prophets. In other words, their authority does have its limits, and these men were subject to their own peculiar ideas. Consider this quote from Martin Luther:

"Men have broad shoulders and narrow hips, and accordingly they possess intelligence. Women have narrow shoulders and broad hips. Women ought to stay at home; the way they were created indicates this, for they have broad hips and a wide fundament to sit upon."


Anyone want to write a book or sermon entitled, Men have Brains, Women have Big Butts? Not me!

Ironically, both Calvin and Luther apparently violated Maken's interpretation of the Bible's command to marry in "youth"--Calvin married in his early thirties, and Luther married at age forty-two. Luther in particular lived in some unusual circumstances, but the irony is there regardless.

The "Gift of Celibacy"

Maken argues that only a select few are called to celibacy, a "special enabling giving by God to remove their otherwise natural sexual desire." I agree that lifelong singleness should be considered the exception and not the rule. I disagree, however, with this notion of celibacy being a "special enabling" which eliminates the sex drive.

Theologians may agree with her, but I simply see nothing in Scripture to back up this claim. Paul, for example, was most likely a widower (1st Corinthians 7:9), yet Maken listed him among those who had the gift of celibacy. When I read Paul's writings, I see a man who forfeited his right to re-marry (1st Corinthians 9:5)--not a man who claimed to have no sex drive. If the "gift of singleness" is not Biblical (and I agree that it isn't), then creating a "gift of celibacy=no sex drive" doctrine is equally problematic. Would we also argue that martyrs were "gifted" with no will for self-preservation?

Since lifelong celibacy is a rare calling, Maken insists that "protracted singleness" is a sin against God (violating the commandment to "be fruitful and multiply"). Much like the "gift of celibacy" idea, I simply do not see this in the Scripture.

Man-Bashing

As I read this book, I wrote "M-B" (short for "man-bashing") in the margins of several pages. Consider a few of these quotes:

"Most of the men I observed on the dating scene were essentially boys in men's clothing."

"Of course, if you're a single woman but are not called to singleness, it's usually not your fault."

"Most single Christian women today are not at fault for having to endure protracted singleness."

"The average Christian single woman isn't at fault here."

"Ultimately there are no sound reasons or legitimate excuses why men--especially Christian men--are not getting married."

"Pointing to feminists and easy sex is a convenient distraction from the real problem concerning the formation of Christian marriages."

I agree that God has given men the responsibility of pursuing wives and marriage. I also agree that God has called men to be leaders. Maken, however, seems a little too eager to put the blame of "protracted singleness" squarely on men's shoulders. Intentionally or not, this book presents all single men as immature, indecisive, hormonal brutes. Bachelors over thirty are considered particularly villainous, and are to be treated with the same suspicion that one would direct towards a drug addict. As you might imagine, I couldn't help but take some offense after several pages of this.

Premarital sex, for example, does much to destroy a man's incentive for finding a wife (I've mentioned that in previous articles--see the Male Sex Drive and the Power of a Modest Woman). If this is the case (and I believe it is), we must also hold women accountable for their own moral decisions. Men would not be having non-marital sex if there were no willing participants. I think Maken failed to make this logical connection between female moral laxity and male immaturity. The two work hand-in-hand, yet Maken's scathing criticism is only directed at the male half of this dysfunctional equation.

In this author's paradigm, the solution to "protracted singleness" is for men to get their act together. I find this quite one-sided, and it was the most disappointing aspect of this book.



After reading this, you may find it surprising that I still recommend the book. I think this author has given us some food for thought, and the book has some really good points to consider.

GSAGM--STRONG POINTS

The Whole Counsel of God:

"When we approach Scripture, we must look at it as a whole." This is one of the first lines in Chapter 2, and I wholeheartedly agree. Beginning in Genesis, this author outlines the Bible's overall affirmation of marriage.

I believe too many singles books put undue emphasis on 1st Corinthians 7 and neglect other crucial passages. Maken does not make this mistake. While I disagree with some of her conclusions, she brings a desperately needed balance to the discussion on singleness and marriage.

Singleness and the Sovereignty of God

There was a pretty intense discussion here on my multiply account after I mentioned an article on Boundless.org. This is what I said:

"What I'm saying is that I believe singles are being taught to be too passive, assuming God will answer our prayers without us doing anything. Many authors are arguing that if we are single, it is by God's divine will and He will hook us up in His time. This is easy to say if you got married in your early to mid-20's, but what about the rest of us?

I encounter many in their late 20's and 30's (here and in the States) who want to be married but are still single. Statistically speaking, singleness has risen dramatically over the past couple of decades in the States. I suspect it is also happening here in the professional classes of Manila. Either God isn't doing His job as divine matchmaker, or we have misinterpreted our roles in finding a suitable spouse."



This author and I are definitely of the same mind when it comes to this issue. Here are a couple of quotes from the book:

"Doing nothing when it comes to pursuing marriage will most likely get you just that--nothing."

"If a woman wants to be a lawyer, she can go to law school, take the Bar Exam, send out resumes to employers, and practice law . . . But if she wants to get married, she's told to sit like a bump on a log until the right Christian man finds her. I don't think so."

Spouse-Shaped Void

Maken argues that we are "hard-wired" for marriage. Our sexual and emotional needs are God-given, she says, and were meant to be met through a marriage relationship. Telling singles "Jesus is enough" is compared to telling a starving woman that she needs Jesus instead of a sandwich. Maken is definitely onto something here. I'm afraid that too many singles have been told their desire for a spouse is idolatrous or reflects discontentment with God. GSAGM defends this desire as God-given.

The Sins (plural) of Singleness

I do not believe singleness (even "protracted singleness") is a sin in and of itself. Having said that, being single does make one more vulnerable to certain temptations (sexual immorality and pornography use, for example). Delaying marriage prolongs this period of vulnerability, and is arguably one of the reasons sexual sin is so prevalent among Christian singles.

Maken notes that two-thirds of American Christian singles are "throwing away their virginity" (engaging in premarital sex). Much of the problem, she argues, is the seemingly indefinite waiting period that we are imposing on ourselves. I think she has oversimplified the sexual immorality issue, but she does have a point (I have made this same point when lecturing about teen sexuality).

Practical Suggestions

Maken gives her readers several suggestions for finding a spouse. Some of them are extreme, but many are very practical:

*Women should consider using an "agent" in courtship--someone (father) or something (dating website) to help facilitate her introduction to high quality suitors.

*Dating/courtship is "serious business" and should be preparation for marriage--if young men and women are not ready to marry, they should not date.

*Dating/courtship should be intentional. Men should be 100% clear in their intentions. Men who are not serious about marriage should not be entertained.

*Courtship should have time limits. Maken suggests that couples date for three months then make a decision (either pursue marriage or stop dating). I'm not sure that three months is quite enough time, but I agree with this principle. I've known more than one couple that dated for years then broke up. This is definitely a waste of time. Women have more to lose by prolonging such dead-end relationships (due to the biological clock factor).

Conclusion:

GSAGM is one of the most thought-provoking books I've ever read on the issue of singleness and marriage. While I disagree with some of the author's points, I'm convinced she has made a valuable contribution to this discussion.

You can read more of my reviews at kuyakevin.com

As an African American Christain, I am often distressed by the continued segregation that I see within the body of Christ. I have wondered aloud why we need "Men of Color" bibles, bible studies for Black women and retreats designed to address ethnic groups. Then I read something like Mrs. Maken's book and I smack my head V-8 commercial style and think "Oh yeah,now I remember. It's because racisim still exsists and if we as a people want to advance sometimes we need to get away from the negativity of stereotypes that so many people in the church still hold on to."

Despite that Mrs. Makken(I'm sure she'd balk at Ms.) is not caucasian, her book seems to deal primarily with the woes of educated, financially secure 25+ caucasian women. Every demon from weak male leadership,protracted adolesence,not living with dad, unlimited educational opportunities, sloppy theology and the economy is called to account for leaving white women husbandless. She may have some good points, surprisingly very little scripture for a "Crossways" book,but certainly some points.

Black women and culture are not given this deep examination. Out of 198 pgs. Single Black women are treated to 3 offensive paragraphs in chapter 6 on pg 94. One paragraph to tell readers that Black women think Black men are "untrustworthy and unreliable", another paragraph to tell us Black women are just out of luck numbers-wise because most Black men are in jail and the ones who aren't are dumb and it's our fault for being single mothers raising the type of men we hate. In the last paragraph, in the most incredible piece of arrogance and racisim, states that because of this, God, though he could, will "probably not" intervene on the single black womans behalf as we have sinned too much and must be left to our concequences as outlined in Romans 1:24-28 (which deals primarly with homosexuality.) Given the books harsh treatment of men in general, I'm not sure why this should have shocked me.

I must confess, my first response was laced with language I haven't used since before salvation. I have known black men all my life good, bad, indifferent, saved and secular. The great majority were wonderful men. I still meet wonderful black men everyday. Being the daughter, mother, sister, friend and bussiness partner of responsible black men, I honestly wanted to deck her on their behalf. Apparently the black community gets no examination of economy, racisim, a skewed jucicial or educational system that is much of the time balanced against minorities and poor men of all races. Examination, strategy and hope is for whites, God's judgement is for blacks.

Asians are mentioned briefly to bemoan how much later than whites they marry and Latinas are not mentioned at all. Women of middle eastern descent are mentioned only in a statistic that decries the falling Western birth rate. Apparently western women bare 2.6 children, whilst their counterparts in Yemen are cranking out 7+ rug rats per wife. I'm sorry, that is not a race I'm trying to win. Go for it Yasmine! The Bible says that God builds the church by his spirit, not by the fertility of Christian women.

If you single woman, black or white somehow manage to marry past 40, you will have only the dregs of male singles to choose from. You only get "wanna be sugar daddies", 2nd rate divorced men who are broke due to alimony or worse you may have to raise kids not of your own ovaries (oh, the horror!). You get what you deserve for waiting so long. And be honest, at 40 your looks have fallen and your eggs are old. Your no prize, so be grateful for any bone you get thrown Fido.

To be fair, Maken has some good points, but so many of them get lost in stereotypes,opinion over scripture and general vitrol aimed at single men, I cannot in good faith reccomend it to my single friends.

Here is the Candice Z. Watters (www.boundless.org) book review in its entirety.

Getting to Marriage: What You Can Do

by Candice Z. Watters


"You are not wrong to pursue marriage." So reads the last line in the final chapter of Debbie Maken's book, Getting Serious about Getting Married. It's a shocking book, one she admits you'll either love or hate. But in our culture marked by unprecedented protracted singleness, it's necessary. And if large numbers of single women read it and follow her advice, it may not be too late for them to have husbands and children of their own.

This is a message whose time has come. And yet, it's so bold and so challenging as to seem unbelievable. Maken reminds me of Lucy in C.S. Lewis' Prince Caspian. Though the whole company of her siblings and Trumpkin the dwarf are desperate for help, especially from the lion Aslan, Lucy is the only one who sees him. And though she does not at first follow him for the nay saying of her brothers and sister, she finally defies their disbelief and leaves to follow him. It's not until her siblings have followed begrudgingly (not willing to let her run off alone) for some distance that their eyes open and they finally begin to see the presence of the great lion.

In this case, Maken has seen through the disbelief that our current dating system could be anything but good, and is following the design of the one who created us for marriage in the first place. Not only does she identify what's wrong with the dating system -- how it gives all the advantage to men, leaving women little hope of marrying -- she tells you what you can do about it.

This book is like nothing you've read. For all the hundreds and thousands of Christian books about being single, this one is different. Most of those books say if you're single beyond your expectations, it must be God's will -- His gift (1 Corinthians 7) -- for you, and your joy will come when you learn to be content with the lot you've been given. Many then go on to detail the best ways to enjoy your singleness, to make the most of it, to, in the words of one author, be "single, sassy and satisfied." Some even build up singleness by tearing marriage down. "Marriage is hard," they write. "Better to be single than wish you were."

Maken debunks all these myths and more including "Jesus is all you need," "Being single equals knowing and serving God better," "Single equals celibate," and "Wait on the Lord." She is not so easily duped. She blows away the smoke, encouraging readers to go back to Genesis 1 and 2 to understand why God made marriage -- in response to our loneliness -- and who He intends it for -- most everyone.

Far from concluding that someone who's single must have the gift of singleness, and need only to learn to be content with it, Maken believes that "The reason singleness is disappointing, lets us down, and leaves us wanting more is because singleness isn't what God intended" (p. 28).

She urges readers to consider the qualifications Jesus gave believers in Matthew 19 to know if they should stay single. To everyone not given these traits, their duty is to marry. Quoting John Calvin she asserts that "the man who chooses to stay single (without a specific call from God) is guilty of 'stealing' a husband from a wife" (pp. 33, 181).

Why is this book necessary? Because a generation of singles are at risk of believing they've all been given the "gift of singleness" quite apart from the biblical conditions for celibacy; because a generation of singles are stuffing their discontent and starting to believe that it's their discontent, and not their protracted singleness, that is their sin; because a generation of Christian singles are at risk of never marrying and having children, thwarting God's desire for a godly seed (Malachi 2:15).

What, according to Maken, should the pursuit of marriage look like? First and foremost, to be effective, it must be biblical. This is a book steeped in Scripture. Her strongest points are thoroughly backed by the authority of God's revealed Word. That's part of what makes it so shocking. To find so much of God's plan and His Word hard to swallow reveals just how much of our culture we've absorbed.

A quick review of what the Bible says about marriage and singleness, along with a history lesson of what until recently was considered a normal transition from living in your father's home to starting one -- with your spouse -- of your own, shows how much things have changed. And it's not only expectations and traditions that are different. The marriage rate is different too. According to the United States Census Bureau, the singles population has nearly "quadrupled in just one generation."

"Did God just want more gifted singles in this generation?" Maken asks. Her response, rooted in Scriptural evidence, is an emphatic NO!

If it's not God's will -- His special gifting of millions more singles -- then what's to blame? The lack of male leadership, says Maken, encouraged and perpetuated by a dysfunctional dating system that does little to help people get married.

I'm not sure her frontal assault on unmotivated men will do much to spark their change of course, but she does, by the end of the book, moderate her approach a bit. "God made men to be leaders," she writes, "to pursue marriage and seek a wife." She encourages women not to play the victim but "help men assume the leadership that God wanted them to have.... Will we even try, or will we keep doing things just like before and then wonder why we are not married? We too have a choice to make" (p. 180).

Yes, there are those who do find mates and get married under the current system. We all know someone who married at 40 and still managed to have a baby or two. We've all been to bridal showers for women over 35 and believed with conviction, "The groom is so wonderful and this union so obviously of God, it was worth the wait." But two or three miracle stories do not good role models make. Maken's quick to say that they are exceptions and no guarantee for the majority. In politics, it's well known that when you legislate to the exceptions, you end up with bad law. Better to legislate to the norm. The same is true in marriage. When you hope for a miracle story that defies the odds, chances are you'll miss out on what could have been unspectacular but wonderful and timely.

And timely is a big part of what she's encouraging. Scripture repeatedly refers to "the wife of your youth." The implication, says Maken, is that certain benefits of marriage can only be enjoyed when couples marry young. A woman's declining fertility and waning good looks, for example, benefit little from a union begun after 40.

The book's not without its flaws -- most noticeably Maken's defense of abstinence as the approach she "personally" supports. Why not speak from Scripture on this? She does on every other point. And on the issue of pre-marital sex, Scripture couldn't be clearer. It would have been more accurate for her to say, "I believe the safe sex message is wrong, but abstinence, while a great start, doesn't go far enough." But why complain about abstinence programs at all? She wishes abstinence proponents, in addition to encouraging young people to wait till marriage for sex, would give those same kids hope that marriage will happen. "The only way to subdue and delay sexual gratification is if the hope of marriage actually exists," she writes, "... what's the point of waiting for something that may never come?"

She also takes Focus on the Family to task for approving the Colorado Statement on Biblical Sexual Morality because, as she complains, "the statement fails to distinguish the state of celibacy and the state of singleness." Again, she's criticizing something whole cloth for not going as far as she'd like it to. I'd say the statement, while silent on the differences between celibacy and singleness, does not say they are equal. And as such, it's a good start. She's facing an uphill battle in her call for cultural and church-wide reform. Better to amass as many allies as possible than criticize them out-of-hand and go it alone.

Finally, in an error of judgment, she twice quotes Sex in the City as naturally as any regular viewer and delivers the lines as if her readers are fans of the show, too. For anyone trying to remain pure, this seems an unwise source of cultural commentary and entertainment.

Still, for its few flaws, the book is a must-read for singles. At the conclusion of a recent gathering of singles in our home, one gal asked about the frustrating state of relations between single men and women, "So what can we do to change things?" My first thought, get Debbie Maken's book and host a book club with your circle of friends. "If just a few women in your community read and talk through the principles in Getting Serious," I said, "you will be equipped to change the nature of that community. And quite possibly transform your male friends into husbands."

Finally, a book I can share with my single readers and friends. Finally, a book about being single that may actually help the women who read it get married.

I was a convert to Evangelical Christianity at the age of 21. For years, I struggled with the "Gift of Singleness" teachings and prevailing attitudes in the Evangelical church. I could not bring myself to believe this doctrine was of God. I no longer attend Evangelical churches, but after reading this book, I realized that the modern interpretations of the "Gift of Singleness" doctrines are not Biblical. It was very liberating to realize that I can still believe in the Bible's teaching that salvation is by grace through faith in Jesus Christ alone--without also having to buy into the "Gift of Singleness" garbage. There are so many voices in the Evangelical world that make it seem as if you have to accept BOTH, or you're not Christian. (Or, rather, you're not a "Good" Christian.) I wish the Evangelical people all the luck in the world solving their problems regarding the lack of men and particularly single men in the Evangelical church. If Evangelicals are smart, they will at least read this book and consider what Mrs. Maken has to say.

I've heard a lot of "hype" about this book due mainly to the fact that is published by Crossway, the same publishers of the English Standard Version (ESV) of the Bible...thereby granting it "legitimacy."

However, there are 3 major issues I have with this book:

1. Too much time arguing her premise.
The author, Debbie Maken, spends a great deal of time debunking the ideal that "singleness is a gift." In fact, she spends about 95% of the book building her argument. While she makes some good points (for instance, shedding light on the lack of male leadership and making the distinction between singleness and celibacy), as a reader I did not need to get hit over the head again and again that "churches who preach only singleness are bad and marriage is good." Yes, yes, I get it already.

2. Incorrect and/or minimal analysis of Biblical texts.
The first chapter is "What the Bible Says About Marriage." She uses parts of Genesis 1:26-28 and 2:8-25 as the basis for her argument that marriage is God's will. For instance, she interprets Genesis 2:18 ("It is not good that man should be alone") to mean that marriage keeps us from being alone. Another example is when she uses Genesis 2:23 ("This at last is bone of bones and flesh of my flesh") as a justification for marriage giving meaning to work. Any serious Bible reader would fail to draw that interpretation straight from that verse.

3. Impractical application.
Finally, after 11 chapters, came part 3 - application. Maken tells her readers not to date, but to instead find an "agent" -a male, father-figure advocate - to help find you a mate. (This is similar in slight ways to the process used in arranged marriages.) She takes this suggestion from the story of Isaac and Rebekah. However, Maken appears to be confused over what was cultural practice and what is actual Biblical principle.

God tells us to glorify Him in all things, no matter if we are married OR single. He does not tell everyone in the Bible to simply get married. I found that unfortunately, like most Christian dating books currently in circulation, the author's recommendations for application are unrealistic and impractical.

As a guy I wasn't sure what to expect when I read this book (based on my girlfriend's insistence) I was expecting a how to book and boy was I surprised. The author makes an excellent case for "rethinking the gift of singleness." She does take men to task for their lack of leadership (a point I wholeheartedly agree with) but her greater point of Christians and the church forgetting their history was eye opening. I have read a lot of singles books but this was the first book that informed me that the population of singles has quadrupled in the last 30 years. People, that's a problem. The scripture and historical backing for the book are beyond debate. GO read this book.

I cannot warn someone enough against this book that compares singleness to cancer and repeatedly uses the word "spinster" to refer to single females. This audio book left me incredibly discouraged and feeling almost like a leper. It wasn't until the 4th or 5th CD
(out of 5)that I learned the author was Indian and suggested the route of tradition match-making. I was also blown away when she suggested moving back in with one's parents as a way to expedite the marriage process. I have and will continue to warn singles and even married people to not read this book or anyting written by this author.