Gigli (Ben Affleck) is a minor-league thug without much in the way of brains or talent. He's ordered to kidnap and imprison the mentally-challenged brother of a federal prosecutor, and he does so. After he's stashed Brian (Justin Bartha), in his apartment, Gigli gets a shock: His boss has sent Ricki, a hitwoman (Jennifer Lopez) to keep an eye on him.

Lacking a brain, Gigli immediately begins pursuing Ricky, only to be semi-rebuffed by the announcement that she's a lesbian. Of course, he doesn't give up, and eventually despite her disgust for the male anatomy, Ricki starts to reciprocate his attraction. But things go haywire again when Gigli's boss decides to play nasty.

Given the number of plot holes, "Gigli" should not be compared to Swiss cheese -- it should be compared with a fishing net in the advanced stages of decay. Through most of the film, it seems like the director just started direction, then walked off the set and said, "Seeya! I'm sure you know what to do next."

"Gigli" doesn't know whether it wants to be a crime movie, a drama, a romance, or a black comedy. So it tries to be everything, and accomplishes nothing. Needless gore, stupid plot twists (Gigli sawing off a corpse's thumb with a plastic utensil?), and completely unfunny material (the lesbian lover slashing her wrists) deprive this of all humor. But it might have struggled its way to mediocrity, if it weren't for the ghastly dialogue. (And that horrific shot of Mrs. Gigli's butt)

I can only conclude that whoever wrote this movie was either on crack, or possesses a level of ineptitude on par with the title character's. "Gigli" contains some of the worst dialogue ever, including the insane "bull and cow" discussion, Lopez's bizarre "turkey time, gobble gobble" seduction, and the hideously embarrassing and frighteningly written argument about the pros and cons of male and female genitalia. It'll make you laugh or cry, or both.

Affleck clearly has no idea what he's doing, and so wings it with an over-the-top, drawling imitation of Tony Soprano. Yet somehow he doesn't go over-the-top enough to make fun of himself (now THAT would be funny). Jennifer Lopez, with her perfect makeup, provocative yoga and baby voice, can't make her character even halfway convincing. You can't believe she's a thug, a lesbian, or that she could gouge someone's eyes out. Bartha might be good if he weren't retreading "Rain Man." Cameos by Christopher Walken and Al Pacino can't save the story, although they are briefly entertaining to watch, being the only actors of worth that we get to see.

There are one or two moments of actual humor in "Gigli," such as the moment where the all-but-illiterate Gigli reads the tabasco sauce bottle. But a few flickering moments can't even begin to save the horrendous turkey that is "Gigli." Gobble gobble.

It's no secret that Gigli tanked at the box office and of the 27 people who went to see it, 26 walked out of one of the worst movie-going experiences of their lives while the remaining one was taken to a sanitarium afterwards for laughing uncontrollably at J-Lo's bizarre speech about a female body part. So, we all know it's bad, right? Even those of us who haven't seen it know it's bad. And THAT'S why I think it will do well on video and DVD. I think that Gigli (like Glitter, Showgirls, Plan 9, etc.) will eventually become a movie that's known as "so-bad-it's-good." Everyone will want to see just how horrible this thing is and what the fuss is all about and in doing so will have a great time pointing out what exactly went wrong with the project, who should be shot for being involved with it, etc, etc, etc...

So, is Gigli worth seeing? Sure. At least it's a charming abomination. And I'd rather sit through two hours of this train wreck than endure two hours of the Fast and the Furious and it's sequel. So, check Gigli out.

P.S. - If Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez and Martin Brest do a commentary for this film, it will be worth buying. Affleck isn't afraid to rag on his own movies and he'll have a field day with this one.