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2.0 out of 5 stars
Does This Violate The Geneva Convention?, October 15, 2006
This review is from: Girls From Another World 4 Movie Pack (DVD)
I think that coerced viewing of these films could be in violation of the Geneva Convention. Let it be known that these films are worth only one star, but I awarded a bonus star for Rollergator's initial entrance. This will test your will like nothing else I have ever seen. It makes Ed Wood look like a master of the genre; it makes William Shatner seem positively sedate. Good luck.
I bought the set for "Rollergator." I had no idea what it was about, but the title was appealing to a bad movie fan. I originally thought it might have had the lowest production values of any film in history. (My mind was changed later that day.) The film does not star a roller skating alligator, but rather an eleven year old ("I'm not a baby! I'm almost twelve!") talking, purple alligator who rides in a backpack of a girl who roller skates.
Joe Estevez stars as the evil carnival owner "Uncle Chi Chi," who wants to exploit "Baby Gator" for profit. This is a very talented alligator: not only does he talk, he raps: "There was a little gator, who was a mean roller skater...," and, "I like to rhyme, and I like the slime...." He also does celebrity impersonations. Be sure not to miss Baby Gator's impressions of Ricky Ricardo and Elvis, in particular.
Along the way a variety of characters are introduced to muddy the plot. There is a middle age soccer mom ninja with a backpack full of celery and cabbage, Chi Chi's nephew who wants to take over the hot dog concessions at the carnival, and last but not least, Ed Wood veteran Conrad Brooks ("Glen or Glenda") as the "Swamp Farmer," Baby Gator's mentor. Gator wants to get back to the Swamp Farmer, but before that can happen, three other events have to occur: a pointless pram theft is followed by the slowest chase (on skateboards) ever filmed, and the absolute worst ninja battle ever. The swordplay and slingshot use is not to be missed. I would love to know Conrad's take on this film: I will bet you that he thinks "Plan 9" is better, too.
The only thing going for "Rollergator" is the music: it features nonstop guitar noodling during the entire film. The music's awful, but at least it drowns out the dialogue.
"Things" is almost unwatchable. It is a contrivance where two short horror vignettes are combined with the most pointless wraparound video I have ever seen. This movie does not entertain in any way. If you insist on watching it, expect to see a monster appearing to be a cross of "Alien" and "Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo." It is kept in a box by a diabolical man and is trained to attack anyone not wearing a hat. The phrase "The man with the hat owns the box" is of huge significance in this unsuspenseful and unscary piece of excrement. The second vignette is actually worse, and is all about unscheduled eyeballectomy via X-acto knife and a haunted clown cookie jar. Please note especially the horrendous special effects in which frying eggs morph into eyes.
"Toad Warrior" was another reason I bought the set. How could a grade-Z cinemaphile not love that title? This film appears to have been made later the same afternoon that "Rollergator" was shot. It once again stars Joe Estevez, this time as a mob boss, and Scott Shaw as "Max," who looks like Gregg Allman after a bender. Conrad Brooks and Rollergator make a special guest appearance. The film is about Dr. Trixie T and her toad serum which can turn people into toads and vice versa. The toads in question have the worst costumes I have ever seen anywhere, period. The toads wearing shorts and jeans running after ultralight planes will haunt me for a while. The plot makes no sense. None. I will just tell you that it involves Joe Estevez versus "Humphrey Bullfrog" trying to obtain the serum from Dr. Trixie T, ninjas, kamikaze pilots, a frog bar in which a toad girl croons "My Kind of Frog" with the worst guitar accompaniment ever, a talking crocodile alarm clock, and the worst acting and dialogue imaginable. After watching this, I have decided that this has even lower production values than "Rollergator" (but barely.)
There is a guy called "Overlord War Toad" who does the worst impression of Brando brooding in "Apocalypse Now" ever. He blathers on and on about war and killing. He rubs a crystal a lot, and talks about when he was in Frognam. Max, a mercenary, is his enemy, and has his way with the ladies (notably an agent named "Spangle.") He is also Dr. Trixie T's ex-boyfriend, and the flashbacks are just painful. Max has to take a group of agents (the Bangles, judging by their appearance) into the desert, and gets to say lines like "Ride well, Cycle Toad." There are several scenes repeated throughout the film for padding, oh, I mean, dramatic effect, and it finally concludes with a big fight and chase around an abandoned highway overpass (where, incidentally, four characters play catch with a satchel during the credits.) There is threatening dialogue abounding ("I'm hungry for frog legs!") and a surreal sequence where Dr. Trixie T lectures Joe Estevez about DNA (I'll boil it down to the biological maxim "ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny," though it's irrelevant to the plot anyhow) and teaches him the "Hokey Pokey" in one sitting. You will not believe this scene.
I can't tell you not to watch "Toad Warrior," but prepare to be tormented. A lot.
"Big Sister 2000" is an unwatchable wannabe psychological thriller combined with a women's prison film. It fails on all levels, from the "plotline" about anarchists versus the oppressive government, to the Clintonian cigar imagery. Just say no.
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