Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus [Paperback]

Elyse M. Fitzpatrick (Author), Jessica Thompson (Author), Tullian Tchividjian (Foreword)

Book Description

Publication Date: May 4, 2011

All of us want to raise good kids. And we want to be good parents. But what exactly do we mean by “good?” And is “being good” really the point?

Mother-daughter team Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson contend that every way we try to make our kids “good” is simply an extension of Old Testament Law—a set of standards that is not only unable to save our children, but also powerless to change them.

No, rules are not the answer. What they need is GRACE.

We must tell our kids of the grace-giving God who freely adopts rebels and transforms them into loving sons and daughters. If this is not the message your children hear, if you are just telling them to “be good,” then the gospel needs to transform your parenting too.

Give Them Grace is a revolutionary perspective on parenting that shows us how to receive the gospel afresh and give grace in abundance, helping our children know the dazzling love of Jesus and respond with heartfelt obedience.

Editorial Reviews

Review

So many Christian parents fall into the trap of asking the law to do in the hearts of their children what only grace can accomplish. Armed with threats, manipulation, and guilt, they attempt to create change that only the cross of Jesus Christ makes possible. It is so encouraging to read a parenting book that points parents to the grace of the cross and shows them how to be instruments of that grace in the lives of their children. Paul Tripp, President, Paul Tripp Ministries In our human attempts to raise good and godly kids, we often forget that God extended his best grace to us. We are not full of grace on our own; we desperately need his grace. Elyse Fitzpatrick and her daughter, Jessica, provide a great tool to guide parents down the road of gracious parenting. I commend it to you. James MacDonald, Senior Pastor, Harvest Bible Chapel, Chicagoland Area; radio teacher, Walk in the Word Elyse Fitzpatrick continues her never-ending quest to churn out grace-filled, Christ-centered, gospel-saturated books. And now she s done it again with her daughter, Jessica, coauthoring this excellent parenting book! If you are a parent, get online and order your copy of Give Them Grace today! --Deepak Reju Pastor of Biblical Counseling and Families, Capitol Hill Baptist Church

So many Christian parents fall into the trap of asking the law to do in the hearts of their children what only grace can accomplish. Armed with threats, manipulation, and guilt, they attempt to create change that only the cross of Jesus Christ makes possible. It is so encouraging to read a parenting book that points parents to the grace of the cross and shows them how to be instruments of that grace in the lives of their children. Paul Tripp, President, Paul Tripp Ministries; author, What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage In our human attempts to raise good and godly kids, we often forget that God extended his best grace to us. We are not full of grace on our own; we desperately need his grace. Elyse Fitzpatrick and her daughter, Jessica, provide a great tool to guide parents down the road of gracious parenting. I commend it to you. James MacDonald, Senior Pastor, Harvest Bible Chapel, Chicagoland Area; radio teacher, Walk in the Word Elyse Fitzpatrick continues her never-ending quest to churn out grace-filled, Christ-centered, gospel-saturated books. And now shes done it again with her daughter, Jessica, coauthoring this excellent parenting book! If you are a parent, get online and order your copy of Give Them Grace today! Deepak Reju Pastor of Biblical Counseling and Families, Capitol Hill Baptist Church The authors, mother and daughter remind us that parenting is not only hard but also impossible. Yes, we need to nurture, teach, discipline, train, pray, and model, but we must not depend on our parenting skills to change the hearts of our children. Instead, they counsel parents to rely on the faithfulness of Jesus, our great high priest, to change their hearts. Grace for both parents and children flows through the pages of this book; I only wish I had read it at the beginning of my parenting instead of the end. Rose Marie Miller, missionary; author, From Fear to Freedom This is not just a book on parenting; this is deep training in the gospel. Elyse Fitzpatrick shows parents how to model themselves after the heavenly Father, who changed his children not by wrath and the law but by grace. A lot of books talk about gospel-centeredness in theory; this book shows you how to apply it to one of lifes most important relationships. --J. D. Greear, Senior Pastor, The Summit Church, Durham, North Carolina --This text refers to the Audio CD edition.

Review

“So many Christian parents fall into the trap of asking the law to do in the hearts of their children what only grace can accomplish. Armed with threats, manipulation, and guilt, they attempt to create change that only the cross of Jesus Christ makes possible. It is so encouraging to read a parenting book that points parents to the grace of the cross and shows them how to be instruments of that grace in the lives of their children.”
—Paul David Tripp, President, Paul Tripp Ministries; author, What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

“In our human attempts to raise good and godly kids, we often forget that God extended his best grace to us. We are not full of grace on our own; we desperately need his grace. Elyse Fitzpatrick and her daughter, Jessica, provide a great tool to guide parents down the road of gracious parenting. I commend it to you.”
—James MacDonald, Pastor, Harvest Bible Chapel; author, Vertical Church

“Elyse Fitzpatrick continues her never-ending quest to churn out grace-filled, Christ-centered, gospel-saturated books. And now she’s done it again with her daughter, Jessica, coauthoring this excellent parenting book! If you are a parent, get online and order your copy of Give Them Grace today!”
—Deepak Reju, Pastor of Biblical Counseling and Families, Capitol Hill Baptist Church

“The authors—mother and daughter—remind us that parenting is not only hard but also impossible. Yes, we need to nurture, teach, discipline, train, pray, and model, but we must not depend on our parenting skills to change the hearts of our children. Instead, they counsel parents to ‘rely on the faithfulness of Jesus, our great high priest, to change their hearts.’ Grace for both parents and children flows through the pages of this book; I only wish I had read it at the beginning of my parenting instead of the end.”
—Rose Marie Miller, missionary; author, From Fear to Freedom

“This is not just a book on parenting; this is deep training in the gospel. Elyse Fitzpatrick shows parents how to model themselves after the heavenly Father, who changed his children not by wrath and the law but by grace. A lot of books talk about gospel-centeredness in theory; this book shows you how to apply it to one of life’s most important relationships.”
—J. D. Greear, Lead Pastor, The Summit Church, Durham, North Carolina; author, Stop Asking Jesus into Your Heart: How to Know for Sure You Are Saved

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 216 pages
• Publisher: Crossway (May 4, 2011)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1433520095
• ISBN-13: 978-1433520099
• Product Dimensions: 0.8 x 5.5 x 8.5 inches
• Shipping Weight: 0.3 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (96 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #4,442 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

220 of 225 people found the following review helpful

3.0 out of 5 stars Many Strengths, Several Weaknesses July 15, 2011

By mejerrymouse

Format:Paperback

Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson explain what makes Christian parenting unique: it isn't merely about turning out "good" kids; it's about pointing all of our kids to the Savior. While rules are a necessary part of parenting, Elyse and Jessica say, they aren't the primary theme, the work of Christ is. The law doesn't transform the heart...It only hardens them in pride (because they're successfully obeying it) or despair (because they aren't pg. 68).

One of the strengths of Give Them Grace is that it not only encourages the parent to give grace to his/her children, but it also gives a good measure of grace to the parent. Here are a few quotes to whet your appetite:

We must trust in His "ability to transform hearts, not in our ability to be consistent or faithful...Freedom to love and enjoy our children flows out of the knowledge that God saves them in spite of our best efforts, not because of them. Salvation of the Lord" (pg. 53).

It's not up to me; it's a work of God. "When we're quietly resting in grace, we'll have grace to give our children, too. When we're freed from the ultimate responsibility of being their savior, we'll find our parenting burden becoming easy and light" (pg. 55).

Elyse and Jessica touch briefly on idolatry and unbelief as it pertains to parenting:

"We have far too high a view of our ability to shape our children and far too low a view of God's love and trustworthiness. So we multiply techniques and try to control the outcome" (pg. 57).

In Give Them Grace, Elyse and Jessica also make much of God. This book is encouraging, Gospel-centered, and grace-filled through and through.

In spite of all of the strengths of this book, I do have a few reservations.

1.) The authors don't make children apologize unless they are truly sorry (pg. 67, 101, 104) lest they be hypocritical.

"If we encourage our children to ask for forgiveness when their hearts haven't been stricken by the rod of the Holy Spirit's conviction, we are training them to be hypocritical. We are inadvertently teaching them that false professions of sorrow will satisfy God. God is never pleased with outward proclamations of devotions when the heart is far from him (Isa. 29:13; Matt. 15:7-9); in fact, he hates it. The truth is that we can never know with any certainty whether proclamations of repentance are true, because only God knows the heart (Jer. 17:5)...Rather than insisting on an immediate show of repentance, you should give your children time to respond to the prompting of the Holy Spirit" (pg. 104).

Although this looks good at face value, I could easily use this same logic to say that my children need not obey, attend church, sing praises to God, etc. unless they truly desired to, however, I don't think that this should be the case at all. John Piper has a very helpful article on this subject: "Why Require Unregenerate Children to Act Like They're Good?" @[...]

2.) The authors repeatedly assert that obedience results from a heart of gratitude for all that God has done for us in Christ without providing any Scripture references to support this notion (ex. pg. 48, 54, 83, 106, 108).

Again, I have found Biblical teaching from John Piper helpful on this subject. It has been a few years since I have looked over that material, but I need to review it again. An initial article that might help one begin to consider this topic is: "Is Gratitude A Bad Motivation for Obeying God?" @ [...]

3.) The authors make an unhelpful distinction between regenerate and unregenerate children (ex. pg. 48). A "Chart of Common Problems and the Gospel" includes suggested conversation for the child who isn't a Christian and the one who is.

Dan Cason articulates this concern quite nicely in his review for Westminster:

"I found the attempt to separate children into "regenerate" (Christian) and "unregenerate" (non-Christian) categories somewhat confusing. Presumably you determine what category your child is in based on his or her public profession of faith. They believe that, until you're able to discern that your child is a Christian, you cannot expect her or him to obey. Thus, you should only present the gospel."

This brings us back to reservation number one. ;)

I am still weighing the above matters and have not had sufficient time to ponder them in-depth. As a result, my thoughts are not well-articulated and severely lacking. However, my review is due, so I've treated the matters as carefully as I can at this time. I hope the links will help you to begin to study these matters for yourself.

Overall, Give Them Grace is an encouraging and thought-provoking read. I am still processing much of the material. While there is much to commend, there is also much to ponder and carefully weigh. I don't agree with others who have said that it is THE BEST parenting book, but God has used it as a means of grace to me and for that I am grateful.

*Many thanks to Crossway for providing me with a copy of this book in exchange for my honest opinion!

79 of 84 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars Written by Imperfect Parents to Imperfect Parents May 27, 2011

By John A. Bird

Format:Paperback

In the forward to Give Them Grace by Elyse M. Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson, Tullian Tchividjian says it's "the best parenting book [he's] ever read, because it takes the radical, untamable, outrageous nature of the gospel seriously and applies it to parenting." And the authors do take the gospel seriously. The difference between their book and other Christian parenting books, they say, is that theirs emphasizes grace rather than law:

"Most of us are painfully aware that we're not perfect parents. We're also deeply grieved that we don't have perfect kids. But the remedy to our mutual imperfection isn't more law, even if it seems to produce tidy or polite children."

These two experienced mothers don't pretend that they are perfect, that their children are perfect, or that they have the secret key to perfection. They don't give readers a formula for parenting; there are no "three steps," or even specified rod dimensions (though they do say that an open hand is okay, regardless of what other parenting books have said). Instead, they remind us that it is God, and not parents, who determines a child's destiny in this life and the next, and that we need His grace as much as our children do. They also give lots of encouragement to weary, imperfect parents:

"[God] doesn't treat his dear children as `disappointments' whose disobedience and failures take him by surprise or shock him. He does not suspend his love until they get their acts back together. He already knows the worst about you (in yourself) and loves and approves you nonetheless (in Christ)."

If applying the gospel can be overdone, these authors do it proudly: "We've encouraged you to dazzle [your children] with the message of Christ's love and welcome, and then when you think that surely they must be tiring of it, go back and drench them with it again."

The only problem with this is that when we apply the gospel to every event in life, and especially when we use it to correct, children will tire of it. Not every moment needs to be a "teachable moment." Do we need to bring up Jesus' agony on the cross every time our child acts like a child?

The authors give an example of how we might apply the gospel to a child who pouts after losing a baseball game: "Yes, losing is difficult....Jesus Christ understands losing because he lost relationship with his father on the cross....He's using this suffering in your life to make us both look up and see his love."

Besides the superficial view of suffering in the above quote, this loose way of applying the gospel, especially when often repeated, takes the power out of the message and can weary the children. Something sadder than a child growing up never hearing the good news is a child who grows up hoping to never hear it again.

Besides overdoing the application of the gospel, the authors are also guilty, like the authors of many of our Christian books and blogs, of overwriting. Some of their words have become so popular (peruse, enjoin, facets, eventuate), that I expect to see them in half the Christian books I read, though I've never heard them in real conversation. Add a few phrases like, "radical message of grace," "soul-satisfying repast of grace," and "construct a methodology," with extra doses of drama and intellectualisms, and an over-all good message becomes unpalatable to readers who prefer a simpler style.

Still, the most important things to be said about this book are that it leaves room for failure, emphasizes the superiority of the gospel over the law, and is primarily about imperfect parents glorifying a perfect God (rather than themselves or their children). These things put Give Them Grace above many other Christian parenting books.

I received a complimentary copy of this book from Crossway in exchange for an honest review.

27 of 27 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars I Wish Give Them Grace Had Been Published 20 Years Ago... July 6, 2011

By TulipGirl

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

This is the book I wish had been published twenty years ago.

I've made plenty of mistakes as a mother, and I know I'll make plenty more. Yet each year the Lord seems to help me see more clearly my need for the grace of the Gospel in my life and in my parenting. I've discussed with friends, with my pastor, at church potlucks, "What does it look like to reflect the Gospel in our parenting relationships?"

Increasingly these discussion of the Gospel and grace in parenting are taking place among moms in playgroups, in churches, on blogs.

But very few books have been published that really address this question in a fundamental way; very few books to pass along to friends and to say, "Hey, this really encouraged me to look to the grace of the Gospel as a mom."

Enter Elyse Fitzpatrick and her daughter Jessica. (What a perk, writing as a team! One with the wisdom of experience, one with the fresh "this is what it feels like in the trenches" perspective.)

Key points that I really like about this book:

* Give them Grace differentiates between moralism and the Gospel: "Mormons, Muslims, and moralistic atheists all share the belief that law can perfect us, but Christians don't. Christians know that the law can't save us; what we need is a Savior."

* It warns against formula parenting: "Giving grace to our children is not another formula that guarantees their salvation or obedience. Grace-parenting is not another law for you to master to perfect your parenting or your children."

* It encourages going back to the what Christ has done (and often quotes one of my favorite books, The Jesus Storybook Bible: Every Story Whispers His Name), "please stop for a moment and ask yourself what percentage of your time is spent in declaring the rules and what percentage in reciting the Story."

* It keeps reaffirming the centrality of the Gospel in all of Scripture, in all of life, "Parenting methods that assume or ignore the gospel are not Christian. The gospel must hold the center in all we think, do, and say with our kids."

* It reminds us that we, as parents, need the Gospel, too: "In our hearts we know that's true because the law hasn't made us good, either, has it?"

* The questions for reflection at the end of each chapter really ARE good for reflection, not just "learn the answer, fill in the blanks".

* Appendix Two: Common Problems and the Gospel. This is an excellent resource for helping parents re-frame their thinking and answer "What does it look like to reflect the Gospel in our parenting relationships?" Of course, considering the chart format, parents could slip into formulaic parenting... I think we all have that tendency. But it is more valuable as a resource than a harm, in my opinion.

That said, thit isn't quite the book that I hoped it would be. There are two main concerns that I have.

* I really wish this book had addressed children in the Covenant, and the theological implications of that. While I understand that this discussion would change the book and change the target audience, I had hoped this would have been at least discussed in part. Some of the sample conversations in the book between parent and child would have likely been a bit different had aspects of covenant theology been included.

* "Give them Grace" seems to lose sight of the fullness of what Christ has done when discussing punishment. I am disturbed by this sample conversation, "I am sad that I have to cause you pain. I know that you are sad too. I pray that you will understand that disobedience always causes pain. In fact, our disobedience caused the pain that Jesus felt on the cross, even though he had always perfectly obeyed and didn't deserve to be punished."

In effect, this sample conversation nullifies the punishment Christ bore on the cross for our sins and our children's sins. It is communicating to the child, "even though Jesus paid for your sins, it wasn't enough and you must be punished as well". This seems to undermine the overarching theme of the book. "I have to cause you pain. . ." even though Jesus already took the punishment for your sin?

This isn't a "to spank or not to spank" question, please don't misunderstand me. Christians of good conscience and careful study of the Bible parent both with spanking and without spanking.

The issue is a theological one of equating the punishment of a child with the punishment of Christ, and communicating to the child that they MUST be punished -- undermining how we communicate Christ's full punishment for us. . . even for their little childish sins.

In spite of these two concerns, I do give this book 5-stars and recommend it to Christian parents.

I remember some of the first parenting books I read, pulling them off the shelf when I was babysitting, reading them after the kids were in bed. Sadly, these Christian parenting books were devoid of the Gospel. It framed the parenting relationship for me in a way that led me to lose track of what was really important as a mother.

Through the years that has changed. "This is why you need Jesus, this is why Mommy needs Jesus. . ." these are the conversations I've been having with my children. . . slowly, growing to this place of giving my children the Gospel of grace. . . imperfectly.

If only this book had been on the shelf 20 years ago. . .