Giving the Love That Heals : A Guide for Parents [Hardcover]

Harville Hendrix (Author), Helen Hunt (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: November 1, 1997

"One of the leading therapeutic voices of the 1990's" (Deborah Mason, "New Choices") Harville Hendrix has illuminated the paths to healthy, loving relationships in his New York Times bestsellers "Getting the Love You Want" and "Keeping the Love You Find". Now, with his coauthor and wife, Helen Hunt, he at last brings us to a new understanding of the most profound love of all-- by helping parents nurture their own development as they encourage emotional wholeness in their children.

How we parent our children reveals a great deal about how we were parented. When a particular parent-child interaction reveals how strongly we resemble our own mother or father, that insight can be extremely disheartening. But it can also be a catalyst for exploring unresolved issues that originated in our own childhood. "Giving The Love That Heals" offers a unique opportunity for personal transformation that will lead us to a conscious, and thus healthier, relationship with our children.

Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt help us explore:

The "Imago"-- the fantasy partner that our unconscious mind constructs from those we loved as a child, a that has guided our search for a life partner

"Maximizer" and "Minimizer" parents-- the defensive styles that internally shape what we say and how interact with our children

"Parenting Process" that all parents can use to end the "cycle of wounding"-- the handing-down of wounding we received as children-- as we parent our own children, regardless of their age

The most effective way to nurture the stages of our child's growth while remaining mindful of how each stage affects the child's relationships, both to us and to their world and their future

"Safety, Support, and Structure"-- how to give children what they really need from us

"Modeling Adulthood"-- recovering our innate wholeness to provide a model of adulthood for our children that will preserve their innate wholeness.

In this profound, groundbreaking book, Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt lead us through an extraordinary process of growth as we help our children to become healthy, responsible, and caring people.

Editorial Reviews

From Library Journal

The best-selling author of Getting the Love You Want (HarperPerennial, 1988) and his wife here explore the issues of love and healing relative to parenting in order to help parents nurture their own development while encouraging emotional wholeness in their children. Hendrix and Hunt believe that the most accurate predictor of how one will parent is how one was parented. Their theory suggests that by coming to terms with their own childhood, parents can help create a more positive future for their offspring. Not as pragmatic as William and Martha Sears's books on attachment parenting (e.g., Parenting the High-Needs Child, LJ 8/96) nor quite as overtly spiritual as Polly Berrien Berends's Whole Parent, Whole Child (HarperCollins, 1997. 4th ed.), this work is also not the typical child-rearing facts book. Given the popularity of the author's first title, this thought-provoking work is recommended for all public libraries.?Lisa Powell Williams, Moline Southeast Lib., Ill.
Copyright 1997 Reed Business Information, Inc.

Review

Don Browning, The Divinity School, The University of Chicago Giving The Love That Heals exposes the jugular vein feeding disrupted families -- our tendency to replay our childhood relations with our parents with both our children and spouse. Finally, we have a book for couples that doesn't leave children out. Another breakthrough book by Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt. -- Review

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 384 pages
• Publisher: Pocket Books; First Edition edition (November 1, 1997)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0671793985
• ISBN-13: 978-0671793982
• Product Dimensions: 9.3 x 6.4 x 1.5 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.2 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (19 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #701,501 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

109 of 112 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Loved this book! It changed all our lives!!!, August 20, 1999

By A Customer

This review is from: Giving The Love That Heals (Paperback)

My husband and I both loved this book so much and it gave us such great perspective on our children, now 5 and 2 1/2. We have both really relaxed as parents after reading this book and we have gained such a greater understanding into ourselves and why we react to our children the way we do. When my children were both babies, I did not worry about their behavior and was able to give them unconditional love and support. As they got older though, my expectations of them increased and I became uncomfortable with their behavior in many instances (temper tantrums, rude to other adults, unable to share -- normal stuff!). Before reading this book, I constantly worried that my children might end up as "brats" and so much of my son's behavior I interpretted as bratty or felt that if I did not "crack down" on him, he'd end up a "brat." He was continually being put in time outs and worse, spanking him was not unusual. My husband and I hated the constant battles and disciplinary actions which we dreded enforcing and thought there must be a better way. After coming to terms with the way we were parented, we are able to respond calmly and with understanding (most of the time!) when my children do something inappropriate, as opposed to reacting with discipline and control. I now try to take time to look at the behavior objectively and determine if the behavior really does need to be corrected, or if the behavior is normal for where they are at developmentally I am just reacting because of my own personal "baggage." As a result, my relationship with them has GREATLY improved and our home is in harmony most of the time. We have only rarely spanked our child since reading this book and are working toward removing this from our parenting style altogether (difficult for us, since we were both routinely and often spanked as chilren). I can almost always talk my very high-spirited 2 1/2 year old out of a temper tantrum, instead of getting angry/upset or ignoring her and having it escalate from there. It is so touching to me, too that she has started coming to me after she's composed herself after a tantrum or start of one and, completely unsolicited say "Sorry, Mommy" and give me a hug and a kiss because through my love, understanding and empathy, she is learning on her own that tantrums are not the best way to deal with life's problems! My children are generally very cooperative and loving. We are working toward mutual respect and trust for each other for a lifetime. I now see my children obey me out of this love and respect, and not because of fear of punishment. I highly recommend this book to any parent who is unhappy with their current parenting style that may be based on control or intimidation of the children.

37 of 37 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Best Parenting Book Ever, February 6, 2003

By 

Becoming "Kelly" (OH United States) - See all my reviews

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This review is from: Giving The Love That Heals (Paperback)

I recommend this book to every parent who mentions struggling with their child(ren). It goes beyond being just a parenting-technique book to helping the parent identify their own issues stemming from childhood. Through that process, the parent learns where his/her weaknesses or blocks are, so that they have the clarity to discern what is actually occurring with the child, rather than being clouded by his/her perceptions. From there, the parent can use the techniques taught in the book to help the child move successfully through the developmental phase that is causing frustration.

My favorite parts of the book are the detailed explanations of the chronological stages of a child's life; the explanation and examples of symbiotic parenting; and the explanation of how we learn to parent how our parents parented us, which is how they were parented, ad infinitum, with the assurance that we can break the cycle of mistakes.

This is a book for parents who are committed to helping their children navigate through life, even though it requires some self-discovery. It is not a book for a parent who wants a quick solution, because this requires commitment. For me, the healing that resulted in myself, my child and our relationship went far beyond what I was asking for, making the commitment a bargain at any price.

38 of 39 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars I now have Peace, April 6, 2000

By 

Kim Poliacik - See all my reviews

This review is from: Giving The Love That Heals (Paperback)

Giving the Love that Heals is a book that finally gave me peace. By this I mean it helped to heal the problems from my past and gave me inner peace, and it helped me to deal with my teenage son that I was always fighting with, so now I have peace in the home. This was a book a could not put down once I started to read it. My children and my husband noticed a diffrence in my parenting technique's right away. I have made a conscious effort to see the things in my children that delight me, and not to dwell on the things that they do that are sometimes disappointing. This book taught me that the wounds from my past that I had not dealt with had power over me. Once I dealt with the past, then I realized I could handle the future. Now my future with my husband and children is very bright, and I know I can handle pretty much anything life has to offer me. This is a book I would recommend to everyone. Thank you for the peace in my life and in my heart. Kim Poliacik