Customer Reviews

Giving Sorrow Words: How to Cope with Grief and Get on with Your Life

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Candy Lightner's book was the most helpful guide through grief that I read after my own loss of a 14 year-old daughter in 1988. Here I am, 13 years later, still remembering passages from the book. A few months after my child's death, and feeling mired in a depression I had no idea how to lift, I bought or borrowed every book on grief I could get my hands on. This one stands out for its honesty and focuses on the fact that there are disparate ways of grieving, none of them wrong, and that those left to deal with the death of a loved one never "recover" as from an illness, but rather incorporate the experience into his or her life. The loss becomes, as one father described it (paraphrased) not a turbulent river, but a meandering stream that ebbs and flows through the remainder of one's life. I completely recommend this book, and in fact bought many copies which I have given away over the years. There are many interesting facts brought out in the book, for example that 80% of all marriages end in divorce after the death of a child. Although perhaps most helpful to those who have lost a child, the book has much to offer anyone learning to cope after the death of a spouse, relative, or dear friend.

I started reading this book about 2 months after the death of my spouse at the age of 53 and after almost 6 years of marriage and a horrific death from a nerve disease. I never really knew what grief was until his death. Nothing seemed to help until I read Candy's book. I never realized how cathartic such as death could be. Candy provides such an insight into how I needed to not only pass through the sorrow and pain but into a totally changed life. She helped me understand how many more facets there were to what I was feeling. This is a wonderful compassionate work. I know Her daughter must be smiling down from heaven in pride on her mother today.

My father died earlier this month, and in my quest to learn more about the grieving process I bought this book. I learned that everything my family did was wrong.

We should have had a funeral, we should have had an open casket, we should be prostrate with grief for weeks on end, etc. It took me a while, and some discussion, to realize that these ideas are principally American, and are foreign even to those of us in Canada. The very idea of an open casket gives me the shudders, yet she says it's important. Go figure.

I thought Lightner was right on in her acceptance of the grief of adult children, friends, siblings, other relatives, pet owners, etc. I appreciated her validation of my feelings that even though I was an independent adult I still felt abandoned, in a way. She also made me feel better about the way I was grieving, pointing out that the 'rules' of grieving aren't cut and dried, and that everyone handles grief in his or her own way. I appreciated that.

My beautiful, dearest son, David, was diagnosed with leukemia at age 2 1/2 . Chemotherapy & radiation left him retarded and epileptic. For nearly 33 years, we battled his epilepsy. One morning, in 2009, he was gone. He passed away from an overwhelming seizure that shut down all of his systems in an instant. He had beaten cancer, only to lose his life to the side/effects of the cure.
David's survival was never taken for granted, but his loss was shocking. We had done everything to keep him alive, but it wasn't enough.

Our whole family was devastated. We've tried to help each other (I have six other children), but, each person grieves in his/her own way. And, there is a point where children can no longer help a mom. I have spent the last two years meeting every mother I could who has lost a child. I was trying to figure out how to survive this unthinkable loss. I read probably forty books on grieving.. I saw every film I could showing the loss of a child. Time has helped.

But, recently I read "Giving Sorrow Word" and it had a profound effect on me. I felt like the author was speaking directly to me. Candance Lightner explained to me how and why I was feeling the way I was. She very clearly described all aspects of grief. I learned it was normal to feel insane. I learned the kind of people to avoid; to ask for what I need; to understand I would never, ever get over this loss, but that the rest of my life would be tolerable. Candance wrote from her heart and from what she learned from speaking with and researching what others say about grief. Of all the books I have read, this is the best book on grieving and "recovery" because it is clear, honest, and even hopeful.

The only other book I would recommend beside "Giving Sorrow Words," is "A Broken Heart Still Beats", because it has excerpts from great writers - Mark Twain, Edgar Alan Poe, etc - who've written about losing their own children. Reading what amounts to poetry by brilliant writers was illuminating and comforting. But, it was "Giving Sorrow Words" that gave me the greatest clarity. - Pepper Edmiston, California

An incredible guide through the grieving process! While we are all aware of the result of Candace Lightner's grief and the founding of MADD, but the book takes the journey deeper in a heartfelt and honest look at how to navigate the grieving process. This book is a great guide to anyone mourning the loss of a loved one!

For ANYONE suffering any kind of loss of a loved one, this book covers grieving in an open, honest accessible way. Who better than Candace Lightner, who lost her own daughter and founded MADD, one of the most well-known non-profits in history to offer advice and information about grieving and getting on with your life? Thank you, Candace for sharing your heart and your wisdom!