Customer Reviews

Go Away, Come Closer : When What You Need the Most is What You Fear the Most

5 star:		(6)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(3)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

This is a very good book for those who fear close relationships. The author emphasizes that to be human is to want and need to feel connected to others. Yet, often our ambivalence toward ourselves, those in our lives, and life itself makes it difficult to reach out to others to love and to be loved.

Through reading this book, I came to understand that relationships involve enormous risk and feelings of vulnerability. The results of taking risks can be both painful and pleasurable. However, both are a necessary part of life. Without pain, we would not enjoy pleasure. The author points out that we sometimes live life as though we're fending it off or simply getting through it. He suggests instead that we think of life as an invitation, including an invitation to be loved. There are not necessarily rational reasons others may love us. We simply are loved.

The author is a Christian but the book does not come across as overly religious. I have taken books back to the store because they emphasize religion too much. This book only has some sprinklings here and there. He deals far more with the feelings and emotions his readers struggle through.

After hearing you speak I bought a red pen, and the book "Go Away, Come Closer." I was going to fix myself but good. Then, while reading it the following week, I cried non-stop! Childhood memories of parental depression, physical abuse, and being a caretaker for my younger siblings, came to the surface. I realized that all this had thrust me into an adulthood of perfectionism. "Go Away, Come Closer" brought clarity as to my utilization of checklists, boxes and the need to organize everything I did (and every relationship I had). What an overachiever I was! You helped me realize that we all have our "stuff", and it's okay, and, we are loved anyway. I've learned to be comfortable being alone. In fact, I actually like it. I've learned through your wording, such as "messy relationships" and "being vulnerable" that it is okay to take risks and not be perfect, to just BE. I just thought that I had to be perfect to get someone to love me. My childhood brokenness is a common theme, one of abandonment and rejection. And even though I constantly tell the little girl inside that she did a really great job growing up, and now she can relax, she likes to remind this mature woman of faith (that I have tried to become) that she still hurts once in awhile, just wanting affirmation because she feels that she is still not good enough. This usually happens when I have been vulnerable, over and over. And the little girl inside gets her feelings hurt because there is limited affirmation returned. So thank you for your words. The permission to risk. The permission to give up the need for perfection. The permission to see intimacy as a journey. And the freedom to BE.

You may or may not like this book... it depends what you are looking for. This book does not have tactics or strategies for relationships. It is not a "how to" book or a book filled with "tips" for your relationships. Self help books with quick fixes such as these externalize intimacy. This is a book that looks at relationships from a spiritual perspective. (I am making the distinction between spiritual and religious) The opening chapter is called "An Invitation". An invitation to what? To our restlessness. To our personal journey of intimacy.

Intimate relationships are "places of vulnerability" where "we touch the real self, or embrace real emotions, or see need as a genuine imperative or break down the cycle of protective self-sufficiency." This book discusses that journey... not how to "meet the right one". You won't find answers here. "The road toward intimacy is essentially a journey of personal transparency." This book stimulates you to ask questions. Who do I continually take with me into relationships? How does my true self impact my relationships? Who or what owns me? Who or what forms the script on the tapes in my mind? Who or what provides the belief system about my identity? Am I somebody yet? Am I there yet?

The second half of this book gives you some tools for the journey... permission to invest (to be human), solitude (an interior experience), pain (tough enough to be soft) and finally friendship, community and liturgy.

I bought this book thinking it would help me to sort out issues I was having in a current relationship. Unfortunately I found the writing style tedious and hard to follow. I am sure there was a message in it but some of it seemed to be religion based and I haven't managed to pick it up long enough to finish it yet. I own my own bible and if I wanted to read scripture I would have picked that up. No doubt others found this book helpful as is evident in other reviews and I don't want to take away from what were obviously positive experiences for them. I also bought "He's Scared, She's Scared : Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships" by Steven Carter, Julia Sokol and also available from Amazon. I switched to that halfway through and I found this to be a far more helpful book and ultimately it has helped me a lot more than the book in this review.

If you are concerned about a fear of intimacy (on your own part, or that of someone you love), this book gives some excellent insights into the problem. Unfortunately, the writing style is so demanding that reading is much slower than it needs to be.

I found Go Away Come Closer insightful and helpful in a very practical way, to begin the journey of developing more intimate relationships with those around me. I was challenged to decide to see and accept where the road blocks are in my life. A nice surprise was that I began to celebrate the level of intimacy in my relationships currently. This is possible when, as Terry points out, we begin to understand that intimacy is a life long journey: intimacy is not something we finally arrive at when everything/everyone around us is perfect.

This book wasn't what I expected. I was searching for a book about all types of intimacy - friendship, family and romance. But this just focused on romance. Also, the religious quoting and writing throughout the book made me uncomfortable.

I thought this book was a waste of ink and paper. The author had one point to make about the fear of intimacy, and she kept making it over and over and over again. Even that one point was not a new insight, it just described a problem many people are already aware of. And she didn't offer any suggestions I saw about how to solve the fear of intimacy - but I have to admit that I gave up about halfway through, reluctant to waste any more of my time.

Bought this for a friend going through a divorce. Really helpful in intimacy issues of any kind: spouse, boyfriend, friend, son or daughter. Very insightful and 'real'. Will certainly make difference in your thinking and your relationships--for the better! I bought one for myself 10 years ago and have a great fondness for it.

Very tedious read....probably my mistake in picking this particular book...I'm sure the content was great for some...but it did not speak to me....was quite "text-booky".....better luck next time!