Customer Reviews

Godinger Crystal Gavel

5 star:		(28)
4 star:		(13)
3 star:		(9)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(8)

 

 

Length:: 2:29 Mins

It's true that this turns out not to be a usable gavel, or usable only in slow-motion, which is what I've taken to doing. It's great for slow-mo, and you can make the sound of slowed-down speech with your mouth while you do it. The more you do it the better you get at it. And the better you get at doing it the more usable this awesome gavel actually becomes. And each time you actually use it you want to hit it harder, to sound its thunder across the desk, which is kind of like a plain with a massing army of wizards and skeletons striding towards you, or floating on their creepy little winged familiars in the case of the wizards, who don't have gavels, nor do the skeletons, and when they hear the thwack in slow-motion of your gavel on the desk you can imagine just how hardcore it makes them feel and how freaked out they are and so they disperse before attacking or attaching themselves to the inside of your wrist on the charm bracelet you've made of bits of their remains, which is the whole point of a gavel anyhow. It commands respect. This gavel commands an excellent amount of respect. If you hold it up to a powerful light source when doing this you might blind yourself so I don't recommend that. But otherwise, five stars. It doesn't taste like anything at all.

Originally I bought this as a thank you gift for my uncle Stetson, the judge, after he managed to get me free off those bogus drug charges that I was tagged with that night with Tiffany and Cabbage in the Dumser's Dairyland parking lot. I figured it was the least I could do, especially since it wasn't the first time Uncle Stet used his considerable weight here in Worcester County to keep me outta Snow Hill. Tiffany always gets me into those kinda scrapes - you know how it is - she ain't that fine but she steady and ready. And Cabbage - those seasonal OC college boy rentacops love to hassle a tatted up freak like him.

So, anyway, I figured I buy this crystal gavel for Uncle Stet - thought it'd look nice in that wood-paneled office of his - he got a big-ole oak desk w/ brass lamps and placks and degrees on the walls - give the room that last classey touch like the chandeleer at the Clarion buffet.

But when it showed up (in just three days - real speedy delivery) Cabbage and I were enjoying an afternoon smoke session and once I took it out, the rays from the sliding glass door hit it just right and a rainbow shot out just like that pyramid on the cover of Dark Side of the Moon - then, of course Cabbage had to break out the Floyd - and once Floyd was on - is there anybody out there - we had to visit Jay-9 down on St. Louis for some more party favors - by the time we got back we was in full effect - and Cabbage pretends like he's a judge and not only busts it but also Wolves' glass coffee table. But it held up pretty well - Cabbage took 3 or 4 good whacks before it shattered. I put a new order in for another one. Great product.

This product did not have any of the hits on it like I was expecting, and besides that it really effed up three of my CD players and maybe a whole hard drive. I don't think it's in a format that works in this country. Then later when it finally did sing to me, it didn't even sound like country and western music. I tried to use it to adjust my glasses, but it broke the crap right out of them. njo9w 'ilm u7yssssssssuun g iu9t to0 ty7po thuise sen t5enmces. There's a giant hole in my floor and it fits in there pretty good. I've found that it really isn't good for anything, but I'm happier knowing it's nearby and it does expand me. I'm going now to look for something about how to knit because it makes me want to knit something for it. Maybe if I knew already how to knit, or if it would have taught me how to knit I could have given 4 stars, but instead 3.

When the gavel arrived, I noticed immediately it was not from the movie Goldfinger, as I initially thought. I do a lot of drinking and internet purchasing (and am on several antibiotics [for life, long story]) so I in no way blame Amazon for the mix-up. I held the gavel up to a powerful light source. My retina detached, the left one. Again. I'm not blaming Amazon though a warning might be in order, or should I say appreciated. Speaking of omens and murder via witchcraft, are you aware this item contains this exact warning:

WARNING: This product contains chemicals known to the State of California to cause cancer and birth defects or other reproductive harm.

I guess you are aware since the link is actually on the product description. I am not concerned about reproductive harm because I consider kids toad-like, toads that suck the Time and Soul and Free Will from the individual, but the cancer thing would blow, hard.

After the second eye surgery, I returned the gavel. Amazon was very cool in refunding my money, like always. I am giving the gavel a 4, understandably. I'm not complaining. The last few weeks since the gavel's arrival have expanded my life, in the way of near death experiences, or underage mistresses, etc.

I'm not sure how this item fits into "Kitchen and Dining." I kept mine in the bathroom, in a cupboard of my own devising.

Sean

My roommate (Davith) and I were crafting a crystal living room furniture set. We must have tried five normal hammers and every one of them shattered against the crystal nails. I know a gavel isn't meant for manual labor but we were at our wits end. When a mutual friend (Topapa) pointed us in the direction of this gavel, I said to Davith this is our last hope, if this doesn't work we can forget about completing the comfortable crystal chair and the convenient crystal coffee table, let alone the cozy crystal couch. When the thing came in the mail we were so nervous. I picked it up and it burned in my hands and I gave it to Davith and he said it gave him a heart murmur. I knew then that this gavel was right for the job. The furniture set was built and now we have everyone from back home (the village of Ur on the floating continent) over on Sundays for beers and football (go Bears!). And it's all thanks to this gavel!

Pros:

If you desire, you may place the mallet portion of the Godinger Crystal Gavel down the front of your pants and carefully thread the handle portion out of an unzipped fly. This quickly and effectively gives the illusion to friends, grandparents, grocery store clerks, and bank tellers that you are gifted with a refractive crystal penis. Such an illusion affords much greater veracity to your claims that you can provide orgasms that are out of this world. Also, your crystal penis illusion can be perpetrated hands-free, as the appropriately-sized mallet serves as an adequate anchor and counter balance inside your pants. Also, it makes it look like you have very large crystal testicles. Feel free to tell people they're your "Crysticles." Most people will find you witty, but immature.

If held high above the head atop the Temple of Kulkulkan as the sun rises on the vernal equinox, the rainbow gateway to Valhalla will be opened. Granted, this does not ensure entry. Disclaimer: You may have to sacrifice several dozen virgins for gateway to take effect. Also, it's pretty much a given that you'll have to engage that dude from the Avengers with the really cool helmet in a hammer battle. Fear not, with the Godinger Crystal Gavel, your victory is all but assured.

May be comically employed as croquet mallet on imaginary miniature crystal croquet course provided one never makes contact between mallet and any other object existing in the real world. Literally hours of memorable prop comedy likely to entertain small children, rural folk, psychiatrists, and philosophy professors.

Cons:

As a crystal penis, the girth is not flattering.

I never knew the luxurious relief a crystal gagger could give me! I usually vomit after a series of obscenely large meals with only a little assistance from my right index finger, but this crystal gagger fits so nicely in my pocket, and the handle settles-in so snugly in the palm of my hand, that I've found nothing else will do, not even a peacock feather!

Now, I know what you're thinking: "This person's got a problem, maybe they need a psychiatrist to help them with their bulimia!" Well, all I have to say is: "What bulimia?" I mean, I only use the crystal gagger when I'm eating huge quantities of rare meats in countries not known for culinary hygiene, like Oregon, the northern peninsula of Michigan, or Houston, Texas. I know my limits is all I'm saying. I can't fully digest nearly-raw ostrich or emu, so I just enjoy the flavor and let the dogs savor it later. If you could see me, you would know: it ain't about weight loss.

So, I fully recommend Godinger's crystal gagger for any regurgitory recreation or medicinally emetic purposes. They ought to package these slick sparkly beauties in those Hammacher Schlemmer Catalogue First Aid Kits, with those new anxiety reducing, diamond encrusted, ear and nose hair trimmers designed by Gina Lollobrigida--or was it Gowanna Fallinamylop? I forget.

I haven't been this excited for a product since The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers billfold, the one that beeped the theme song upon opening, the one I never got. My roommate Kruzzik and I have wanted to play a crystal game of croquet for about seven months. The idea came about during a routine game of croquet at the Scatter Shot club in northern Detroit. Kruzzik suggested playing the ol' game in a grand fashion. We set forth to all eight Crystal Ball: Crystal Ball Reading locations, thumping our way across America stealing the famous miniature crystal balls of the Crystal Ball: Crystal Ball Reading company. Balls in hand we needed to find our hoops, so we went to the Crystal Lake and found the mythical unicorns. We shot them all and removed their crystal shoes. This was six months ago. I just found the missing piece today. Kruzzik and I are excited. I've ordered five with next day delivery. Our neighbor will be out of town for the next week and half and we plan on smashing the rear door with our knees. We'll set the game up on his purple pool table with the crystal inlay sights. We'll be popping Cristal. It should be a good time.

I had planned to enter a new personal era by garagesaling my stuff I figured I'd cover the cost of an amputation. I'd have no use for my Rush LP's in my new future. I figured it'd be tough to change a record with crystal gavel limbs anyhows. As a tribute to my history with Rush, I'd appropiate the profit of the sale of their LP's to the purchase of the gavel. Whether I afford a new or used gavel depended on 2112. The sale of my other stuff should I thought cover the elective amputation. I'd give my hand away free to someone in need.

You wouldn't believe how hard it is get someone to chop off your hand! My application was denied at every clinic! There were back alley offers but I thought I should discuss this option with my mom. What a brilliant lady she turned out to be. Disappointing but ingenious.

So instead I glued the gavel into my hand. (the glue was my idea) But the whole thing only cost me 28 bucks. Now I press every button everything with my gavel! My high-fives are the best because when they're about to go down I can see people's true grit or cowardness. I still sold my Rush LP's. They didnt fetch as much as I'd thought they would but I was able to buy one of those universal remotes with the huge buttons and now I'm patenting my invention of the universal remote control coffeetable!

I don't know about you, but after many a Long Island-and-aspirin-addled dream I've bounded out of bed, soaked with sweat, whispering "God, if only there existed a gavel made of crystal."

To this, Godinger has answered "Okay."

I take my crystal gavel everywhere. I hold the handle in my right hand and strike the palm of my left hand subtly--yet purposefully--while teaching, so my students are never less than fully aware of the dire consequences that would rain down on their heads if I am in any way displeased. On dates the gavel is a conversation piece--rare is the lady who, when unexpectedly presented with a garish crystal gavel suddenly thrust into her field of vision, will not react with surprise and a sort of incomprehensible sexual delight. I find this gavel to be both right and proper.

The gavel makes a statement. It says: I am made of crystal.

Also: Why? But this question is foolish. Unworthy of such a gavel.

I have purchased a second gavel, a backup gavel, which I have placed in a glass box upon which is printed the words BREAK IN CASE OF INJUSTICE.

The words remain intact to this day.