16 of 16 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
"Families can be extraordinarily good at manipulation--of course, they know all your buttons; they installed them" - Andra Medea, September 10, 2006
This review is from: Going Home without Going Crazy: How to Get Along with Your Parents & Family (Even When They Push Your Buttons) (Paperback)
If you're thinking of buying this book because you're looking for practical ways you can avoid or manage conflict in your family, from your immediate family to uncles and grandparents, this is the book for you! Let me say it agin: if you're looking for things YOU can do, you won't find better than this. If you're looking for a book that will tell you how much others in your family need to change, go somewhere else... and don't expect any change in your family's conflict patterns anytime soon. (After all, if they're reading books about how awful you are and how you need to change, and you're reading books about how awful they are and how they need to change, it doesn't take a genius to see that no change is going to be coming down the pike.) Author Andra Medea sums up the purpose of the book nicely on page two: "...The primary focus will be on what you can do now to solve conflicts that are happening now. There isn't much you can do to change the past. But you can do quite a bit to change what happens now and when you visit your folks next week. ...To keep the odds in your favor, stick with matters YOU control." (Emphasis is mine)
Medea's book goes on to define four levels of conflict, starting with the healthy and ending with the predatory, and offers fantastic, practical tips from the effective use of new body language to how to contol an unwanted adrenaline rush in yourself and others to the more whimsical and delightful, such as this gem: when you're in the car and your kids are driving you crazy with their squabbling or complaining, have them sing their complaints. You and they will quickly find it's impossible to do so without laughing.
One of my favorite tips follows this all too true-to-life introduction: "You walk through the door at the annual family gathering. Instead of hearing, 'Hey, great to see you!' you hear, 'Idiot! Don't track that mess in here!'" Medea suggests saying, "I left something back in the car" and walking right back out the door. This gives the offender the chance to realize what s/he just said, and change... though I have to admit my temptation would be to walk out the door and drive away, period. Another of Medea's many examples will probably ring a bell with parents: the grandparents' great idea to take the grandkids to Disneyland---presented to the kids in front of you, without any warning,even though you don't think it's a good idea. How are you going to handle that without looking like a villain to both your kids and your parents? Find out in this book; Medea spends a good amount of time on this scenario, and as usual, her advice is filled with things any human can do once they control the adrenaline surge, using her earlier tips on the subject.
The only thing I might differ from Medea on is this: "Your job is not to change [the thief, rageholic, drunk, tyrant]; they're adults and can change themselves. Your job is to protect yourself and those who depend on you." She goes on to say that if a family member has a drug problem, they're welcome inside the family when they're not on drugs: "Aunt Josie is welcome inside the [family], but she can't take her friend meth in with her. Meth---the enemy---must stay outside." I absolutely agree with this, but would add that it doesn't apply just to drugs, it applies to other problems like rage too. I've been on both sides of that one, and I can tell you that even when an adult desperately wants to change and sets about to do so, even with the most iron discipline it can take years to unmake a habit installed early in life and nurtured by an unhealthy family situation for two decades---which Medea also recognizes as a defense mechanism. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater---let the person in the family, but like meth, keep the rage outside.
So many other books offer theory and just solace. This book offers real-world, practical tips that anyone can put into practice, in an easy-to-read, very logical sequence---and they WORK. There are some tips that would also apply to other situations; for instance, the list of submissive body language signals on page 106 apply very nicely to business dealings, and the excellent chapter on direct and indirect communication would work in any situation. With that in mind, I also recommend Medea's earlier book, Conflict Unraveled, for the same kind of tips and information on conflict management outside the family.
Bottom line: if you're going home for the holidays or anytime soon and/or your family could never star on Leave It to Beaver, buy this book now and devour it before you reach the front door.
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