Customer Reviews

Golden Men: The Power of Gay Midlife

5 star:		(3)
4 star:		(3)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

This is an interesting, provocative, and timely book, and a pleasure to read. It encourages middle-aged gay men to reassess their lives, overcome "the youth fetish, body fascism, and ageism of the gay male world," and to live whole and fruitful lives. While many of the ideas and suggestions are platitudinous pop-psychology, like the ubiquitous solutions of "change of attitude," the author manages to pose many insightful questions that operate even outside his own paradigm of a rebel, anarchist, and activist. Those who fit this paradigm may find even more to gravitate to than I did. Similarly, I'm not sure how most readers will respond to the author's repeated claims of both internalized and externalized homophobic victimization; obviously, queer-bashing continues unabated by the religious right and the likes of Matthew Shepard's murderers, and maybe many of us still retain too many self-censors, some of which are healthy, others not so. If so, Kooden has many ideas to help overcome them. It's a contentious, but central, point, that middle-aged gay men are still fighting to overcome more and more "closets," especially in the fight against ageism.

I agree generally that there is something distinctive and unique about "gay" sensibilities, and we should foster the fulfillment of these distinctive sensibilities. I'd only add "within the bounds of public decency" and "as an individual, not some prototype, determines." He also has the reader do a lot of mental fantasizing and questioning of assumptions, through a kind of internal Socratic dialogue, which I think is a useful re-engineering and self-examination technique. As Socrates demonstrated, life improves with question-asking, not by question-begging. Those who have read my praise for Elliot Cohen's "What Would Aristotle Do?" will find many similar techniques employed here.

The book's eight chapters focus on body-image, hedonism, play/work, relationships, "true self-esteem," creating one's own value system, spirituality, and letting go -- each through the prism of having "come out." Each is stimulating in its own right, and all have something positive to contribute to one's overall self-image as he enters middle age. I found the chapter on spirituality by far the least interesting, only because, for me, at least, there's no "there." But even an atheist can appreciate his comments.

Despite being a pleasure to read, I have three main criticisms: (1) The author suggests a new fantasized model of the ideal gay-male at mid-life instead of the old (no pun intended), asexual, unattractive, lonely, out-of-shape, gay stereotype. I confess, if one must resort to stereotypes, his is infinitely more appealing. But why resort to any stereotype at all? Frankly, I'm tired of monolithic stereotypes of any kind. Besides, isn't it hypocritical to beg for "diversity" on one hand, but insist upon "homogeneity," on the other? (2) Kooden's over-arching theme is that gays should not operate by non-gay rules; instead gays should make their own rules as they go along. But what if everyone universalized this maxim, including militant homophobes? Then what? And while Kooden addresses the pressure to conform, such pressures within the gay community are often greater than those outside it. Beg to differ with gay "orthodoxy," and you'll be called a "Nazi" and have something thrown at you. So much for individuality. (3) Finally, there's no insight from, and in fact several conflicts with, evolutionary psychology, which I found disappointing. For example, EP recognizes "youthfulness" as a biologically-inherited disposition for reproductive or sexual fitness. How does this scientific fact fit his new-gay-middle-aged-man model? It's an issue that people of all sexual orientations must deal with.

The book is extremely well-written with Charles Flowers as co-author. All in all, a very insightful and useful read. It deserves wide readership by all ages.

Well written, easy to read, great insite. Certainly, the author has the credentials to share his aging experience with a phsycological insight and real experience to back it up. Lots of good questions and lots of good answers. Spare yourself from having to "learn the lessons" by learning from another gay man's experience. Older is better if you know how to do it. Learn how. I enjoyed the experience of reading this book. EJC

I was astonished at how helpful and powerful this book is. Having completed Rik Isensee's "Are You Ready?" which deals with the same subject, I had laid the groundwork for a more advanced examination of the gay man's reaction and strategies for handling middle age. This book is the perfect "next step." While "Are You Ready?" is a great book that can help start the process of positive thinking regarding middle age, "Golden Men" delves into the subject deeper and enlightens the reader into truly eye-opening new ways of understanding what is actually happening as a gay man enters his 40's and 50's and how to cope with the associated pressures and fears in a remarkably positive way. Divided into sections that examine body, mind and spirit, each chapter looks honestly at the effects of both gay and non-gay culture on the average man's thinking and perception, forces that are both natural and societal in origin, and many other factors that add to the complexity of the middle age transition. With that frank, as-it-really-is honesty, which is also presented with compassion and sensitivity, Koonden & Flowers offer alternative ways of thinking and positive exercises that are designed to bring the reader further away from the fear and depression many men in this age group may face. Some observations are downright profound and I would be surprised if anyone in serious need of a "guide" to handling midlife in a rational manner did not come away from reading this book feeling they had more control over their future. No book can completely dispell anyone's fears or concerns about aging, or change our own internal ageism, but this book is unquestionably a powerful tool in reshaping your outlook. Recently on a NYC subway, a man noticed I was reading this book and, with great interest, asked where he could get it. I felt as though there must be a ton of other men feeling that same middle-age panic and I wish I could steer as many as possible toward this book. It truly is providing an important, even essential, service to any gay male entering or living within middle age (and having a hard time of it). Personally, I am extremely grateful to the authors for writing such a valuable work and feel fortunate I at least have an Amazon.com to help spread the word!

Run, dont walk to get this book. Kooden does a remarkable job sharing his life and professional experience helping gay men recreate a sense of themselves as they age. The focus here is on personal power to overcome negative and limited stereotypes of aging gay men. We need to "name" these. We need to speak out on them. Sensitively written, compassionate, and at the same time challenges the reader to overcome homophobic influences and ageism. I recommend it to all of my gay clients over 35. It is a wonderful book. You WILL change your perceptions! This is how we start!

Perhaps the strongest part of this book is it's tie to academic gerontology. Many of the theories of ageing that Kooden uses in this book relate to hetero-geontology. This impressive thing is he takes academic theoritical mish-mash and uses it to a good effect; to help people.

Not only is this book useful for mid-life men, but men in their 60s, 70s, and 80s etc -- but as well should be read by every gay male. Ageing, no matter how much we choose to deny it, effets everyone. Kooden's book looks at ageing in gay culture with an individualist perspective. The individual reading this book can be helped by it - no matter where his position in life.

To learn more about Gerontology, Gay Men or Both, this insightful book helps one to think about and reflect on these issues, and helps them think about themselves

Our culture does not offer many guides for growing older, so a book like this is a welcome find. It responds to a real need. Other pop psychology or self-help books may offer similar advice, but here it is applied to gay men's life experiences. The life path for gay men is different than for other men and for women, and it's good to recognize this.

Kooden has good insights and helpful advice, but I found myself getting bogged down in the therapy-speak, political correctness, and repetition, and ended up skimming over the last two thirds of the book. There is a great deal of tired 1970s dogmatic feminist rhetoric about the patriarchy and how oppressive gender roles are. For many men who are now entering midlife, this rhetoric will not be relevant. It makes the book seem dated. I think one thing that happens at midlife is that we recognize and accept our manhood and our masculinity, whatever form that might take. Kooden repeats over and over again how we are victims of internalized homophobia. No doubt this is sometimes true, but I think many men at midlife see through and get over most of it. I think Kooden overemphasizes the differences between gay and heterosexual men. He also emphasizes coming out as a pivotal benchmark experience for all gay men, something that really happens differently for different people, traumatic for some, incidental for others. Depending on who you are, other experiences, like falling in love with another man, may be much more profound and life-changing.

There are many negative messages about gay men in the outside world, but Kooden also correctly recognizes that the gay subculture(s)/scene/community is the source of some of the problems for men at midlife. It is not always a welcoming place. There are rigid and unrealistic ideas about beauty and attractiveness, and negative stereotypes about middle-aged and older gay men. Kooden offers good questions for men to ask themselves about their own perceptions and attitudes. He suggests ways to develop a more positive and healthier outlook and realistic steps a man can take to improve his quality of life as he grows older.

Much of what you'll find here is common sense. If you are a thinking gay man and you've reached middle age, a lot of this will probably have occurred to you. You can take as much from this book as is useful to you.

I think this book is a must read but there are some parts I didn't like. Like the constant suggestion to seek psychiatric or psychological help in getting through certain issues. I'm sure this is helpful to some but to others it would be a waste of money. There's also a lot of emphasis on coming out. I don't think this is something that everybody must do. It really depends on the individual's situtaion. What I liked about the book was the constant affirmation that being gay is ok. You can be yourself. And as you get older that becomes the main focus of your life - being yourself and expressing yourself in whatever way you feel appropriate. Momma and daddy's not standing behind you ready to pounce on you. But overall, it's a good book. Just skim through the touchy-feely stuff.