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How Good Do We Have to Be? A New Understanding of Guilt and Forgiveness

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I don't know if it is because I've read 3 other books by Rabbi Kushner, or because from the first words to the last words reading this book I feel like I am having a conversation with him. This includes many questions about life, the human condition, and religion that I have carried with me for a long time.

If someone had mentioned religion, God, or related words to me before discovering both Rabbi Kushner, and Dennis Prager, I would have been ready to bolt for the nearest door, because that had signaled what I called "Bible-thumpin time."

So, no matter where you stand on religion, politics, or the human condition, I invite you to open your mind to the possibility of forgiveness.

With the subtitle being "A New Understanding of Guilt and Forgiveness," it's nice to notice that throughout this book Kushner discusses many examples of what guilt has been for us.

He uses "The Original Sin;" "Paradise Lost;" and many other stories that show how we have interpreted God's expectations of us to mean that we are born sinners who must become perfect. Which of course is not, as he points out, God's expectations of us.

Kushner adds, "My experiences as a clergyman and a counselor has taught me that much of the unhappiness people feel burdened by, much of the guilt, much of the sense of having been cheated by life, stems from one of two related causes: either somewhere along the way, somebody - a parent, a teacher, a religious leader - gave them the message that they were not good enough, and they believed it. Or else they came to expect and need more from the people around them --- their parents, children, husbands, or wives - than those people could realistically deliver."

His suggestion is that the story of the Garden of Eden is the story of the first human beings graduating from the uncomplicated world to knowinging that good and evil exists; and that what is most important to us, as human beings is to live with integrity.

This book also suggests that if Adam and Eve had not eaten from the Tree of Knowledge, they would not have had needs, feelings, or individual thoughts. So, it would not have mattered what happened around them.

A year ago, I asked a prominent religious leader in San Diego, "Do you believe that the active members of your church know what religion means to them - not your interpretation, theirs?"

This got his attention, and began a great collaboration.

Religion, as Rabbi Kushner describes in this book is, "... the voice that says, I will guide you through this minefield of difficult moral choices, sharing with you the insights and experiences of the greatest souls of the past, and I will offer you comfort and forgiveness when you are troubled by the painful choices you made."

Imagine if millions are guided by Rabbi Kushner's definition of religion - wouldn't we be more accepting of unique differences?

Wouldn't we accept our limitations - and, by accepting them, evolve beyond our wildest dreams?

Wouldn't we simultaneously be enough, while we win more than we lose?

And wouldn't we laugh more?

I was asked recently in my bible study group who I would most like to meet. It was an easy answer -- Harold Kushner. I struggled for many years (after a private Baptist school upbringing) to come to terms with my doubts about God, who was presented to me as a cruel, vengeful God. My struggle turned toward anger. After reading Rabbi Kushner's book, I felt as if a great weight were lifted from me. My soul just seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. God, as introduced by Rabbi Kushner, makes sense to me now. I have begun to see that God has simply been poorly represented by so many. This book gave me (a hard sell if there ever was one) peace. I began to study the Bible with new eyes. I began to look at myself and others with greater compassion. This is a simple book -- with life altering implications. Buy this book. Read this book. Share this book with others. (Note: Kushner's other books are wonderful as well!)

Having been raised in a family of six children, I was certainly able to relate to the sibling rivalry that existed because of original sin. This book was read in one day, and removed from me a whole lifetime of guilt from not understanding the bigger picture of my family's hardship. All of my other brothers and sisters are getting this book as a present this year, so that they too can understsand how God's love for us as individuals overcomes any childhood adversity we may have had. In addition, the myth of how Eve was created as a second to Adam was destroyed forever. Now as I prepare to enter into a marriage with 'my better half', I am able to realize the importance of finding the other person that completes you spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Thank you Harold Kushner!

I'm not much on self-help books, and I really never have been. Three years ago, a college course required me to pick up a self help book and evaluate it. This just happened to be the book I picked up- and by the end of the very day I picked it up, I was finished with it. Since then, I have used it as a reference to help me clear guilty/remorseful/vengeful/spiteful & other mentally draining thoughts from my head.

Kushner has a God-given ability to write from the very depths of his soul, and in doing so, he creates an instant rapport with his readers- one that hits them in the heart emotionally, and causes the reader to sit and reflect often.

His "arguments" are wonderfully explained, some may be too "radical" for those who are of the Christian Right mentality, but Kushner defends his points with flair, and a deep down desire to find true meaning in our daily lives. Kushner reveals incredible, thought provoking stories and parables of his life- soem of bliss, some of personal discovery, and some of hardship and pain- and all of these stories are pertinent and relevant to the material at hand.

If words make you cry, several of these stories, and several of these conclusions may just hit a soft spot, even for those who are hardened.

Guilt and Forgiveness- to incredibly difficult subjects that the "human condition" has a hard time dealing with. Kushner takes the reader by the hand, calms you, and walks you down a road and path that more people should consider taking.

If you read any self help book, read this one.

Self-help books have a (deserved) reputation of being both trite and loaded with psycho-babble.

This book is an exception. I liked the reinterpretation of Eve's act of eating and sharing the apple. It was an act of liberation for mankind, one of the bravest acts in human history - in fact, it made possible humanity *entering* history by finally giving us a choice of good and evil

It is perhaps the sincerity and simplicity of Kushner subsequent message that moved me: You don't have to be perfect to be loved, nor should you expect people you love to be perfect. You should love the whole person; not disregard their faults ("blind love"), but accept the person with their quirks and iconoclastic behavior.
Whenever I get angry with someone I love, I think about that, and my anger vanishes.

I bought a copy for my sister.

The wisdom of Rabbi Harold Kushner transcends Judiasm. It finds applicability to people in all wallks of faith. In "How Good Do We Have to Be?" he puts feelings of guilt and inadequacy into perspective. Even if the reader does not agree with all that Kushner writes, the big picture is highly agreeable.

The best statement of the book is on page 180-181, "Life is not a trap set for us by God, so that He can condemn us for failing. Life is not a spelling bee, where no matter how many words you have gotten right, if you make one mistake you are disqualified. Life is more like a baseball game, where even the best team loses one-third of its games and even the worst team has its days of brilliance. Our goal is not to go all year without ever losing a game. Our goal is to win more games than we lose, and if we can do that consistently enough, then when the end comes, we will have won it all." God does not expect us to be perfect as this is not part of human nature. While the guilt and shame that haunt us as part of sin are normal consequences of our sins, it is functional to know we are in error.

Kushner also explores the Garden of Eden and the concept of original sin. He suggests that original sin allows us to feel the same discomfort God feels when he sin. This was the wisdom we earned from the tree of knowledge. We are forced to feel the same stress when our children fail as when God sees us fail. Yet we still love our children. This takes us to the main point of the book. God will love us despite our failings.

I've been trying to learn that it's ok to be imperfect, and reading this book has been very helpful to me. I'm not even totally sure what "God" is, but I did grow up Jewish and with a sense that no matter what I did, I wasn't good enough. It's nice to think that trying hard is enough for God.

After reading the title and thinking that this book was going to be full of excuses, I was pleasantly surprised by its depth and wisdom. After finishing it, I wished I knew Kushner, his wisdom and insight so impressed me. I feel his picture of religion is what religion was meant to be, not condemning but loving & liberating. Unlike another reviewer, I did not find the book to be harsh on men; instead, it treated issues relevant to both sexes. Too, I thought "How the Story Might Have Ended" was beautiful, and brought me to tears. The book often references other works, and these are enjoyable reads as well.

Ever read the Bible and wonder what was going through Abraham's mind when he put his son on the altar? Well, after reading this book I've been looking at Abraham in a differnt light. I've also found a renewed interest in the Old Testament and Ingmar Bergman's "Winter Light." If you're wondering what one has to do with the other, pick up this book. Kushner will have you looking at things differently and thinking about everything. It is surprisingly easy to read yet loaded with words of wisdom. Usually found in the self-help section, this inspirational work will help you through pangs of guilt and inspire you to forgive and forget.

When this book was originally published in 1996, I met Rabbi Kushner at a lecture and book signing event in a synagogue in Omaha, Nebraska. As a Catholic making my first visit to a synagogue, I felt a bit apprehensive about making an inadvertant faux-pas. When the Rabbi started speaking, I felt comfortable right away. His presence felt, not like a high-ranking church official, not like a person of celebrity, but rather like a good neighbor -- someone who might live next door, who I would see mowing the grass and passing out Halloween candy, someone who just happened to be presenting his beliefs on the topic because that is *who he is*, and that the lecture is *what he does*, and that when it was over, he might share a ride home.

I had seen, in my religion classes, presentations by Leo Buscaglia. Leo was a man who exuded love, yet almost had a larger-than-life intimidation feeling around him because of it. Rather like a TV evangelist, one never knew when you would be grabbed and "healed"; or, in Leo's case, grabbed and hugged and loved! Not that it's a bad thing, just a bit intimidating.

Rabbi Kushner also exudes love, but he has an exactly-life-size feel. Seeing him at a podium, meeting him in person, I got the feeling that despite being well-known, that he is *a real person*, all the time, and that he doesn't have some stage persona, some celebrity, some image to put on in front of people. Rabbi Kushner simply is who he is -- a man. He is a man who loves G_d (I believe that is the proper Jewish way to write it?), a man who loves people, and a man who has made it his life's work to help bring the two closer together.

As I brought my book up for Rabbi Kushner to sign, I asked him to sign it "To my Catholic friend", and he actually thanked me for suggesting that. The experience of guilt and forgiveness (as in the topics of this book) are common to all, and despite the stereotypes of the Jewish mother guilting her children, people of all faiths share the quest for forgiveness and holiness. The book signing may have been a promotional thing set up by the publisher, but his presence there was real, and he was making an effort to share something with each person. Having his signature on my book is nice, but the brief conversation is memorable -- and I truly believe that meeting people and sharing a moment was far more meaningful to Rabbi Kushner than the book sales.

In the text, which is admittedly harder to read than it is to hear the Rabbi speak on it, I could feel once again the love exuded in the words. His most powerful commentaries, in my opinion, were on forgiveness in marriages; on how to forgive lovingly, while bringing about a change in behavior such that the offense does not repeat.

I liked Rabbi Kushner's "When Bad Things..." book, I really like this book, but the man himself is genuinely wonderful.