Customer Reviews

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship

5 star:		(128)
4 star:		(22)
3 star:		(8)
2 star:		(7)
1 star:		(12)

 

 

After a 20+ year marriage to a decent guy who was a good provider but not in any way my true friend, lover or life's partner, I had tried everything imaginable to make sense of my commitment -- especially because we had two children. I sought years of psychotherapy, read a library's worth of self-help books, listened to every "relationship expert" from Tony Grant to Barbara DeAngelis to Dr. Laura, always searching, concentrating to the point of exhaustion, to glean that essential kernel of truth that would illuminate the path I should take to find acceptance and happiness. But I could find no peace, no resolution, no answers.

FINALLY, this book gave me the tools I needed to understand the many issues and problems that weighed so heavily in my marraige. Mira Kirshenbaum provided the template I needed to lay over my decades of ambivalence. Her direct, snappy writing style was a breeze to read. Her observations cogent and concise. She makes no bones about taking a clear stand and expressing a firm opinion about whether people where happier that they stayed or left a relationship when the issues she explored were identifed as problems.

She gave me the language to articulate and define my marital problems. It became undeniably clear to me that I would be happier if I left. With tremendous relief and some real trepidation, I gave myself the freedom to leave for my 46th birthday present. Fast forward two years -- I have never been happier!

I recently reread the book and my second thorough reading reinforced my initial interpretations. I am now using Kirshenbaum's criteria to judge whether my current relationship meets my needs in the categories that are most important to me. YEAH! Success! This book has even helped me explain the complexities of relationships to my own daughters and what makes for a quality relationship with a long term chance for success.

For the first time as an adult I am living an authentic life that I am proud to model for my children. I am absolutely sure that this book saved my life! I am grateful beyond words for the clarity that this book provided. You will be too!

I first needed this book -- okay, I needed it before I married. I recognize now that I needed it in 1988, when the pain and confusion were enormous, and the counseling I received was, to put it generously, ridiculous. But Kirshenbaum hadn't yet written the book. Then I needed it in 1995, when totally on the fence. But Kirshenbaum hadn't yet published. Finally she did, in 1996 (hardcover), and even though I'd already made the decision to leave, and knew somehow it was right, I bought the book.

Gosh, how come I wasn't taught all this stuff before?!?

Too Good To Leave is not only the book you pick up when you're on the fence. It's not just the book you turn to to make sure you made the best choice under the circumstances. It's the book you refer to again and again and again to help you learn what IS a healthy relationship, what IS love. Because in showing us what ill-health can look like, Kirshenbaum also teaches those of us who just didn't get it what we can look for in the future, when our hearts decide to risk again.

This is an easy read: each chapter is structured the same way, with the issue, circumstances, diagnostic questions, couples examples from Kirshenbaum's practice (she provides therapy in the Boston area), and guidelines...are most people in this particular situation happier if they leave or if they stay? She begins with the incredibly painful (are you being beaten?) and moves through the book toward less and less clearcut circumstances.

Take Chapter 8, for example: "What Is This Thing Called Love?" The issue: is there any real love left? Kirshenbaum reviews what people know of love (not a whole lot, it develops), discusses feeling and perceptions, and hits a diagnostic question: "In spite of admirable qualities, and stepping back from any temporary anger or disappointment, do you genuinely LIKE your partner, and does your partner seem to like you?" A poser, right? So Kirshenbaum walks you through her experience with Ann (married to Dave) who has had to work through this question. Does she really like Dave? Or does she merely like what Dave likes?

Painful. Very painful. But healthy, because the guideline Ann must confront is, "If it's clear to you that basically and overall you just don't like your partner, then your love is a ghost... Quick take: In the long run -- no like, no love." (The quick takes, available with each guideline,are wonderfully useful as memorizable, immediate reminders.) Kirshenbaum continues through the chapter with different examples of couples wondering if love is present, with more guidelines and suggestions for unraveling the knots.

This is powerful healing, because it names the problem. In medicine, the terror that comes with extraordinary pain can be eased by words: "Sounds like a kidney stone." Definition removes confusion removes fear. Just so does Kirshenbaum, in defining what we know is present, ease our hearts. We're not crazy. There is something odd here. And we are not alone in our perceptions.

By showing us what is unhealthy in relationships, then, Kirshenbaum also teaches what is healthy. You've got to have like, to have love. Quick take #7: "Power people poison passion." Okay...so passion flowers where neither partner is into power. Quick take #28: "Time heals all healable wounds." But some wounds are so severe, and some partners so unwilling to act in healing ways, that the relationship is not a healing one. Okay...look not for partners who seem perfect, but for partners who are both unwilling to harm, and willing to heal.

Where was Kirshenbaum when I was 12?

I've grown so much from this book. Buy it, borrow it, somehow READ it before 2001 arrives. Bring your new learning with you into the new year.

Believe it or not - I picked this book up on a marriage retreat weekend! I had been going back and forth in my head for years over the issue of leaving or staying. We spent thousands of dollars on counseling and retreats yet I was on the verge of making myself crazy with no clear decision ever coming from the incredible amount of thought I put into the question of whether I should leave or not. I could always come up with a long Pros list of why I should with an equally long Cons list of why I shouldn't. I read this book in two hours and knew that I was incredibly unhappy in my marriage and had to get out. Kirschenbaum helps the reader to assess their relationship through a series of guidelines and come to the decision on their own. No more pros and cons lists, just a step-by-step guide on how to make the decision that's right for you. I am in the process of a divorce now but know that this is the right decision. On difficult days, I sit down with this book and review some of the questions that she asks in such a no-nonsense way and remember that yes- I am happier being out of my relationship.

My wife and I have been married six years and have had marital troubles for nearly a year. However, we are taking very concrete steps to try to address them and we're making good progress. We're learning a lot more about ourselves and each other, about personalities and temperaments and what influences them. Now we are better able to appreciate how those factors manifest in our day-to-day behavior. It is hard work, but we both agree that in the end it's worth it -- regardless of the eventual outcome of our marriage. This book was recommended to me by a person that I have generally known to have good judgement, so I took a look. I can say without a doubt that if I had read this book a year ago, my wife and I would now be divorced and that decision would have been the biggest mistake of our lives. Several of the so-called guidelines pointed to behavior on my wife's part AND others on my own part that would have caused each of us to conclude that we would be more happy if we left than stayed. The method of decisionmaking suggested by this book is bereft of the kind of hard work it really takes to evaluate the future of a relationship and the behavior of people in relationships. It fails to explore personality types -- a cornerstone to understanding why your partner may behave the way he or she behaves. It also assumes the problem MUST reside within your partner, not within yourself. In my relationship, the problem was 80% of my own creation. But, through self-evaluation and study we have been able to LEARN more about our own personalities so that now we can better appreciate our differences and give our love for one another a chance to flourish. Unfortunately, this book rests on the premise that people are inflexible, cannot observe themselves and that their mates cannot change themselves, and therefore, whatever you've got is as good as it will get. I disagree and urge anyone who reads this to use great caution. Mira Kirshenbaum has attempted to boil life and relatinships into a simplicity that belittles the capacity of humans to love and change.

I read this book when I was engaged to be married, and it's the best thing I could have done. I was stuck in what the author calls "relationship ambivalence", where I was caught up in deciding whether my fiancé was the "perfect" man for me, and whether I really wanted to commit my entire life to him. My doubts were starting to take a toll on our relationship, and as the wedding date got closer, it only got worse. That's when I thought of seeking help and found this book. By the end of the book, I realized that my relationship was truly too good to leave. It helped me recognize the many great things that my fiancé and I have going for us. The book was a huge relief for me. I was able to let go of my doubts once and for all, and I have never been happier. My fiancé and I will be married soon and I cannot wait to walk down the aisle and say I Do!

I highly recommend this book to anyone having doubts about their relationship. It is easy to read and helps you take a good look at what you're getting or not getting from your relationship, and what you need to be happy.

Mira Kirshenbaum takes a very helpful approach to resolving ambiguity around troubled relationships. Instead of helping you weigh a "balance scale" of pros and cons, she asks you to instead consider 36 "yes or no" questions, much like a physical exam in which a doctor would determine whether you have a cold or flu. The book is most helpful if you agree with the author's premise (not revealed until the end) that each of the 36 issues represent a "fatal flaw" (or prerequisite for success, depending on the issue). That is, your relationship assessment must run the gauntlet through all of these issues, or the prognosis is dim. If you "fail" on ANY ONE factor, the author believes most people will be happier leaving. Some people may need to hear this advice. For example, one question is, "Has there been more than one incident of physical violence in your relationship?" Other people, reading in the midst of extraordinary pain or difficulty, may be discouraged prematurely. For example, currently separated couples "fail" in third question. "Have you already made a concrete commitment to pursue a course of action or lifestyle that definitely excludes your partner?"

The best thing about this book? If you can read it without failing any of its tests, then you should feel extremely confident your relationship is salvageable and worth the effort. Fail one or two tests? Then at least you can focus your thinking on those areas if you're not ready to move on.

Despite several years in therapy with a superb therapist, I continued to find myself on the emotional see-saw, vacillating between "too good to leave, too bad to stay". This book acknowledges that ambivalence within relationships, then leads the reader through series of diagnostic questions which will provide most readers (like myself) to long sought clarity. The book is NOT verbose. It is written in a very clear, succinct, thoughtful, non-judgemental style. While I also jumped from question to question during my first reading, I found myself going back to re-read the book twice over a six month period. The guidelines and insights provided by the book only gained greater depth with time. If you are in the place I was in, confused, ambivalent, and a little frightened about either possible outcome, this book is simply great. Reading it is like having your therapist decided just once to meet you for coffee and let his/her hair down. (In fact I recommended this book to my therapist who suggested to 4 other clients who had equally favorably opinions of it.) Read this book! It's thought provoking and entertaining. And the clarity you achieve make surprise you.

My husband & I have had our share of ups & downs over 20 years; 10 years ago we did marriage counseling for 2 years, and just started up agin. We're in the middle of a nasty, passive-aggressive fight right now, so I bought this book yesterday when I was in the bookstore for something else (also reading Goleman's Emotional Intelligence - enlightening stuff). I'm about half-way through, and I want to buy a copy for my husband to read. I'm afraid that I recognized myself in some of the chapters, here I'm thinking I might want to leave - what if he wants to leave me? MK's questions are truly helping me to focus on what issues are important, and I believe will help us focus our discussions with our counselor to be more productive. If I'm doing destructive things, and this relationship has value to me, then I need to work on changing those behaviors. We have lots to work on, but I suspect this book has articulated something for me that my husband has never been able to, and it feels at the moment like this has the potential to turn things around for me (and, I hope, us).

The concepts are very clearly communicated, with examples, which always helps me to really "get" concepts. It's an easy read, though I recommend keeping a box of tissues nearby. Obviously it's very thought-provoking. As other reviewers have said (often more eloquently) - MK is gentle but very very direct. She will support your quest for honest answers, and in my mind has been careful to leave the ultimate decision in the readers' hands. That said, it is SO helpful to have feedback from other people who've had the same questions I do.

I wasn't going to give the book 5 stars because I don't want to give the impression that it has all the answers - but I've changed my mind, because I think that a book that points you at your own answers is probably superior.

I imagine most readers of Mira Kirshenbaum's "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" are leaning towards the going. Most of us tend not to mess with the good, or spend time analyzing why we feel bliss; rather we seek out deeper understanding only when something hurts. Human nature, I suppose. Take notice only when life becomes a pain. But as I read Kirshenbaum's easy to absorb guide on fencesitting relationships, I realized this is a good read even for the best of relationships. Even for those currently between relationships. Why not gain understanding as a preventative measure and avoid the iffy relationship entirely?

Kirshenbaum's book uses a series of diagnostic questions to ascertain if a relationship weighs more heavily on the side of staying or leaving. Yet, even as she encourages insights, Kirshenbaum, a trained psychotherapist who offers relationship counseling in Boston, is careful to remain in neutral territory, making no hard and fast judgments. A good therapist, after all, doesn't make decisions for you, or even give advice, as much as she offers guidelines and helps you find the answers for yourself, the right ones for you. Kirshenbaum stays on the up and up throughout. Even when a diagnostic appears to point to a major GO! she gently states: your situation may be different. Fencesitting? Nah. While we are all the same, as human beings, we are also all unique, and our relationships especially so. Take with grain of salt, then, and a recommendation to talk to a therapist one on one if truly stuck.

That said, I enjoyed this book and found myself recommending it to several others, regardless of their relationship status quo. The diagnostic questions are good ones. They lead to a good, long look in the mirror, a reassessing of one's own emotional well being, and gauging that one is in, or out, of a relationship for all the right and healthy reasons. And, if you are in a good relationship, the many yes's to Kirshenbaum's questions can rejuvenate any fencesitter, giving new appreciation for maybe what was pretty darn good all along. It's always nice to know you're doing just fine.

I was looking in a bookstore for a book on divorce when I came across this book. The title jumped out me because of my three-year struggle in deciding to leave my nine-year marriage. This was a book I needed to read!!

Kirshenbaum amazingly zeroed in on what my main problem was--that of balancing the pros on cons of my marriage and then trying to decide. According to her, that's the problem, not the solution.
That's exactly what I was doing for those years, and like she says --it'll drive you crazy! her approach was a more dianostic way in which she seperates the aspects of your marriage and ask you: well, how is it, and is it that bad (or good)?

She acknowleges that all situations are different but at the same time they seem to have common denominators that help her see that certain underlying factors can undermine a marriage to a point in which a person can say "Enough is enough". She realistic in presenting that to her readers.

The descion I made (which is leaving) is the most painful, heartbreaking choice I've ever made. But I thank this author for the ability for me to reach this decision which even my wife agrees is the best for the both of us. It took this book for me to come to that point.