Customer Reviews

The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts

5 star:		(18)
4 star:		(6)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

I think the best thing I got out of this book was the notion that happy marriages are not the exclusive domain of people who had happy, carefree childhoods. Wallerstein's message that the love two people experience in a marriage can be a healing, transforming love was a very hopeful message for those who come from broken and/or abusive homes. I also thought the characteristics of a happy marriage were nicely elucidated by the stories of the real-life couples, their good times, trials and tribulations.

The authors bring a rather unusual perspective to the study of marriage -- rather than examining how it has failed or is failing, they examine how marriage can succeed. The book provides a commendable example of a study focusing on success instead of failure. The authors first define a successful marriage, then discuss nine principles common to any good marriage and use several couples as case studies to illustrate and personalize these principles. The book uses a rather small, homogenous, and politically incorrect sample -- nearly all couples were selected by the authors and were lily-white, heterosexual, reasonably honest and cheerful Americans. Of course, many ground-breaking and valid scientific studies have successfully used such small, homogenous and politically incorrect cohorts. The book is not a cross-cultural study, an historical analysis, or a "how-to" guide for "making marriage work," and those whose marriages are in trouble may not find this book much of a substitute for self-analysis or competent counseling.

Since history began, in nearly all societies, marriage has successfully survived despite never-ending pressures from those who have sought to abolish, revolutionize, over-idealize, or trivialize it. Marriage has proven flexible, durable, and critically important to individuals and to societies. Nevertheless, individuals and societies should frequently re-examine and re-explore marriage if they are to gain the most benefits from it -- marriage and success are verbs as well as nouns. Marriage and the family certainly need attentive examination today, since they remain under tremendous stresses from those who wish to change (or destroy) them and from forces causing them to fail at an increasing rate.

The authors have given us a fine example of such an examination. They write remarkably well (no surprise, given Ms Blakeslee's wonderful columns in the NY Times Science Section, which first drew me to this book). They relate how marriage can be enriching, empowering, dynamic, transformative, redemptive, and positive (I found myself cheering on one of the subjects whose marriage succeeded despite enormous psychological problems dating from his childhood). As the husband of a wife whose parents had a successful marriage, as the child of a successful marriage, and as a member of a thirty-three year old successful marriage, I found the principles outlined in this book to be reasonably accurate and helpful. No book could be the last word, but this one is a fine place to start.

The authors of "The Good Marriage" have broken new ground. Instead of offering criteria on how to identify a bad marriage, Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee have discovered through their pilot study the secrets of a good marriage. In this very well written book, the authors conclude there are four types of marriages and nine tasks that must be completed in order to have a good marriage. The reader is allowed inside the couple's marriages as the authors interview Matt and Sara, Helen and Keith, Fred and Marie and others. I began reading this book with much skeptiscm. I was convinced these couples were deluding themselves - no marriage can be truly good for any extended period of time. But I was wrong, although each couple admitted bad times in their marriages there remained enough romance to carry them through. I recommend this book to any adult who really wants to know how a successful marriage can be a dream-come-true.

When we came upon this book, both my husband and I were in the middle of painful, long, stretched-out divorces. We made the decision to read the book together, yet independently. It was one of the best decisions we ever made. The insights gained from these pages literally pulled us through some very trying times. We both absolutely loved it! Judith Wallerstein is a wise, compassionate woman. After reading the book, both my husband and I understood (too late, unfortunately) why our first marriages hadn't worked out. Neither one of our marriages had the romantic component.
We've been together now for 6 years, and ours is definitely the "romance" marriage. What a difference! This is our second marriage for both of us, but we are determined to succeed this time. So far, excellent! We highly recommend this book to anyone considering marriage. It is important for any young couple to become aware of the consequences of not properly separating from their family of origin. A couple needs to form a new family unit without undue interference from parents.
We feel that what the book shows best is that the success of a couple's relationship has more to do with how strong a "we" they form than any other factor. Neither my husband nor I had a strong "we" in our first marriage. We also both had lousy sex lives. It was reassuring to realize that other happy couples felt that sex within a loving marital relationship is the best sex there is. We agree.

Some of the relationships described in this book seemed like healthy ones. For example, the guy who defied his mother in order to marry his fiance. He was pretty young at the time, so for him to demonstrate that kind of maturity early on in the relationship was a good sign. I know I'm personally looking for a partner who is strong enough to defend me against anyone, even if that anyone is his mother.

However, I questioned the healthiness of others. For example, one couple felt that without each other, they'd panic, feeling like being sucked into a black hole.
They felt emotionally incomplete, so they latched onto their partners hoping their partners would save them...kind of like a drowning victim clutching onto a floating device for dear life.

But a drowning and desperate person does not make a good partner. I've been on the receiving end of a relationship like this & it felt very suffocating. At first, it was flattering to be needed this much, but after awhile, I couldn't breathe because this person granted me so little space...even when I insisted this space could actually strengthen our relationship.
The healthiest thing I've ever done was leave this relationship. The author may view this type of relationship as good, but it's not a relationship I want to return to.

The chapter that completely turned me off to this book was the one on infidelity. The author asked these couples their views on infidelity. They said they'd be okay if their partner cheated as long as the affair was brief and resulted out of loneliness -- for instance, as a result from being apart due to a long business trip.

Wait, so sneaking behind your partner's back, breaking mutually agreed upon vows, and then lying to your partners face about it is okay as long as you can invent a good enough excuse?
If I had a husband who thought like, I wouldn't feel like I was a part of a good marriage.
This rationalizing of bad behavior made these couples come across as desperately clinging to each other...not something I view as healthy.

The author spoke with one woman in a supposedly good marriage who cheated on her husband.
The author asked the woman how she felt about the affair. The woman replied, "Wonderful."
She asked if the woman felt any guilt. The woman LAUGHED and replied, "Not at all."
She then asked the woman how the marriage was going at the time. The woman replied, "It was fine. But the moon was full, and my husband was 5,000 miles away."

First of all, these excuses made the woman seem like an airhead. I mean, I've heard some pretty lame excuses for having an affair...but blaming the moon?
Reading this, I was shocked at how casual this woman's responses were. I wonder how casually she'd react if, while she was away, her husband decided to have an affair as well. After all, he was 5,000 miles away from her, too.
Would she still find HIS infidelity funny enough to laugh about?

More importantly, if her husband knew of her affair, would he think it was funny, too? Would he still consider the marriage a good one?

See, it's easy to think you have a good marriage if you're ignorant that your partner is out screwing other people behind your back.
Ignorance is bliss!
And for the cheater, it's easy to think you have a good marriage when you've given yourself permission to break vows whenever you feel like it.

Another woman she interviewed who cheated said she felt depleted by her husband's breakdown and depression. She said, "I gave myself the present of a brief affair with a much younger man."

I wonder, though, if this generosity extended to her husband, too...allowing him to also seek out "presents".
Both of these women, as well as other women in this book, spoke of committing adultery as if that's a perfectly normal way to treat someone you love...but it's not normal. It's mean.

Trust is a precious gift someone can give you. Instead of appreciating the trust their husband's gave them and handling it with care, these women casually just tossed it aside as if it was nothing.
Another point...trust is something you earn. Instead of earning their husband's trust, these women just took it.
There was nothing loving about these women's behavior...and I certainly didn't walk away thinking this is the kind of "good marriage" I want to emulate in the future with my own husband. Talk about setting the bar low.

On the bright side, though, the author does advise against cheating. However, I didn't agree with her reason. She says when you get married, there are some things you have to give up and sometimes that means settling for a tamer sex life.

Well, if you're going to phrase monogamy like that, who in their right mind would choose it?
It has to do with perspective. If you're committed to make monogamy be the best sex of your life, then you'll use your creativity (try new positions, new locales, communicating more, being more affectionate with each other) to make it exciting.
However, if you view monogamy as subtracting - rather than adding - to your life, then you'll feel deprived and will cope with those feelings of deprivation by adding additional lovers into your life.
So, monogamy is as tame or as creative as the couple makes it.

As a single person, I like searching for relationship books that can help model for me what a good relationship looks like and what it entails. This book, unfortunately, was not much help to me.

I have read 10-15 books relating to marriage preparation and making sure one is ready to pick and BE a good spouse. This was by far the best. The author reassured me that people who grew up with unhappy childhoods & unhappy parents have as good a chance at a happy marriage as others. It also made me aware of many issues these couples had that I had not considered. This book prompted me to think about what I want from my future husband as a type of marriage, as an emotional partner, as a parental partner etc. MUST READ! I also highly recommend "What you Need to know before you fall in Love" as a good gut check of what is normal in a relationship and what isn't, what areas you need to check on (do you have a meeting of the minds spiritually, financially, intellectually etc), and it has a great chapter on warning signs (are you dating this person to impress your boss, annoy your parents, or get revenge on an ex?). I highly recommend Harville Hendrix's Book "How to Find the Love you Want" for a more in depth look at how our childhood affects our need for love and influences our search for the source of that love.

I strongly recommend this book to single people wondering what kind of mate would really be best for them. Ignore those dating manuals and read about the real thing -- the day-to-day relationship that has to be maintained after the wedding. As a woman, I found it fascinating to read so many men's accounts of marriage: how much they love and need their wives, how much a good relationship means to them. Most of us grew up thinking of blissful romance as the only model for marriage, but Wallerstein carefully shows that marriages take many forms. I can't recommend this book highly enough.

This book should be read by anyone who thinks they will someday marry. It helps make clear some of the most obvious and most human aspects of our intimate relationships. It looks at personalities, environmental influences, the effect of children, in laws, bad childhoods, divorce, ...on and on. I think everyone will be able to find a slice of themselves in the 4 basic marriage "types" that are studied. And it helps provide the long term view of relationships, where often there is so much negativity around the institution and so little hope that the "good" of a relationship can last.

I approached this book with some skepticism, but I found it to be an interesting and relatively quick read. Wallerstein seems to have carefully done her research, asking insightful questions and inspiring interesting discussions not only with those she happens to be interviewing but also between the spouses as well. Her categories for the marriages (romantic, rescue, companionate and traditional) were interesting, and she made it clear that many marriages' characteristics draw from the different areas. However, although romantic and rescue marriages seemed to apply to couples of all ages, companionate and traditional marriage categorizations were strongly dependent upon the age of the spouses. Not surprisingly, companionate marriages were nearly universally between people in their 30s, and traditional marriages between those older. Clearly, the expectations of a person when entering a marriage will help determine what kind of marriage it will be, and I don't think t! his was adequately addressed in the book. It would have been interesting to read an in-depth discussion on whether the definition of "good" had changed over time.

This book was the turning point for my husband and me. We were struggling to make sense of our different expectations of marriage after 15 years. He seemed complacent and resigned to the status quo, until he picked up this book. From it, he learned that although no marriage is perfect, there are ways that it can be developed and strengthened. "The Good Marriage" made us both realize our marriage had some helpful qualities, yet could be so much more for each of us. He actually has recommended "The Good Marriage" to his friends! Now, that's saying a lot for a book about marriage. The bottom line: It gave us hope.