Customer Reviews

Gospel-Powered Parenting: How the Gospel Shapes and Transforms Parenting

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According to George Barna, there have been approximately 75,000 books on parenting published in the past decade. I sometimes feel like I have read all of them. It strikes me, though, that publishers must feel the same way and that, hopefully, they think hard before releasing yet another book into such a crowded marketplace. I at least wanted to give the benefit of the doubt to P&R with the release of William Farley's Gospel-Powered Parenting. And I'm very glad that I did.

The purpose of the book, as you might gather from the title, is to focus on the gospel as the most important power in parenting. It is not the parents--their efforts, prayers, hopes, dreams--that ultimately ought to shape parenting. Instead, it is the gospel of Jesus Christ. This is the power that needs to be at the center of all we are, all we do, as parents. And this is exactly what Farley teaches through the 230 pages of Gospel-Powered Parenting--he shows how to apply the gospel to every aspect of parenting and, further, how the gospel is really foundational in all that we do as parents. We cannot effectively teach or discipline or care for our children if we ignore the gospel. This is the message of the book and it is one we, as Christian parents, do well to ponder and to heed.

Along the way there are a few things that Farley does particularly well and I'd like to draw attention to a few of these unique emphases. First, he focuses on the vitality of marriage as an absolute key to good parenting. One of the best things we can do as parents is to love one another and build a strong, healthy marriage. Where many marriages suffer as mom and dad increasingly give themselves over to the needs (or perceived needs) of their children, Christian parents must remain first and foremost committed to one another. Says Farley, "Marriage-centered, not child-centered, moms usually exert the greatest influence on their children for Christ and his kingdom. This means that your weekends away with your husband, alone, might influence your children more than all your teaching and disciplining combined. Your children are watching, and it gives them great joy and security to see their parents loving each other."

Second, Farley pushes back hard against the growing seed of Christian isolationism that advocates removing our children from the world as the sure means of protecting them from the world. Instead, he teaches that a good offense is the best defense. "A defensive mind-set worries about the evil influence of Halloween, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or non-Christians on the Little League team. Although parenting always involves some protection, this should not be the main focus for biblical parents. Often this defensive mentality is the fruit of legalism. The legalistic parent usually assumes that his or her children are born again. But this parent has little confidence in the power of the new birth. Therefore, parenting is all about protecting children from evil outside influence." Later he writes, "This book will assume that effective parents equip their children to overcome the world--not by changing and controlling their environment (things external to their children), but by going after their children's hearts." This is a very important message and one I have rarely seen in other parenting books.

And third, he is relentless in pursuing fathers, teaching that it is the father who is primarily responsible for parenting children. It is the father to whom Scripture addresses all instruction in regard to raising children and it is the father to whom almost all books on child-rearing were addressed until recent times. It is the father who bears the heaviest burden of responsibility. Of course mom is intimately involved in each aspect of raising godly children, but it is dad who is ultimately responsible. And again, this is a message rarely taught today.

These three messages, and others like them, set this book apart. I wondered, as I closed the cover, "could this be the best book I've ever read on parenting?" Perhaps it is not in an entirely objective sense, but what I do know is that it told me exactly what I needed to hear at this moment and did so more than any other parenting book I've read. It had just the right combination of affirmation (your struggles are universal struggles, your joys are universal joys) and exhortation to both encourage and challenge me in all the right ways. I highly recommend it to any and every parent.

Parenting is hard. It is a mixture of joy, laughter, tears, sadness, disappointment (with self and with your children), struggles, rewards, satisfaction, fear, worry, contentment, thanksgiving and a hundred other adjectives.

Parenting books and especially Christian parenting books are plentiful - all with advice, plans, schedules and more advice on how to parent `successfully'.

This is an interesting addition to the `Parenting' library.

Farley's main point is that there is little direct biblical instruction on parenting. And the reason for this is that the Gospel is (or at least should be) the tutorial that informs our parenting.

Farley begins with five assumptions which parents must hold - and then he unpacks these five assumptions throughout the book. The five are:

1. effective Christian parents assume that parenting will not be easy but that rewards will ultimately make it worth while
2. effective Christian parents are willing to hold God's sovereignty and their responsibility in tension
3. effective Christian parents assume an offensive mindset. They pursue their child's heart - they do everything possible to make the gospel attractive. The gospel is the focus and goal for the parent NOT protecting their children from worldly influence
4. effective Christian parents are shrewd about new birth. They do not assume it. They understand the nature of new birth and they carefully look for its symptoms.
5. Effective Christian parents labor to focus their families on God not their children.

There is much in this book which is not politically correct in our society today. For example he advocates the use of corporal discipline (spanking). And, he says, a spanking SHOULD hurt the child. However, once the child is spanked, you should hold them. Much of modern society and many in the Christian church would disagree with that.

Also, I found the chapter on `Gospel Fathers', which expresses his view of headship, unbalanced. I do not think he portrayed a biblical or balanced view on headship and that was frustrating. In fact, the way he wrote the chapter suggested to me he really does not understand biblical headship. Rather than coming across as someone who advocates Biblical headship (which I advocate) he simply came across as a male chauvinist. Biblical headship has two sides of the coin - a wife IS to submit to her husband - but the husband is to love his wife AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH. Farley never mentions this side of headship in the book - the dying of the husband for his wife - he only mentions the wife submitting to the husband and when you present only ONE side of biblical headship it comes across as male domination.

Farley's main premise; that the Gospel should shape and be at the center of our parenting is of course right. Not necessarily because it is THE right parenting model - but because as Christians the Gospel SHOULD shape EVERY aspect of our lives. So on one level this book should be redundant. Of course we should be parenting from a foundation of the gospel. The fact that there is a need for this book shows just how far the gospel can be from being the center of everything we do. The next book could be "Gospel Powered Employee", then the "Gospel Powered Employer" or "Gospel Powered School Teacher" etc.

Another thing this book (and other parenting books) do not develop (although I guess its partially covered under #2 of his assumptions) is what happens when you follow ALL of this and still your child does not respond. The mantra is too often "My child was rebellious but now they are a perfect son / daughter." Perhaps we need a book which is written by a godly parent who parented in a gospel powered fashion, and it did not work - that the child rebelled and continued to rebel. For the danger of these type of books is they can subconsciously suggest that if you follow this path your child WILL be fine. Sometimes children are not fine. And many a good parent loses their child to a life of rebellion through no fault of the parent, but because we are steeped in sin and sometimes people do not respond to the gospel. And that is hard.

Having said all that - I would still encourage parents to read this book. There is much to be gleaned from its pages.

Bill Farley has done the church a great service by writing "Gospel-Powered Parenting." He comes at the topic of parenting with a very solid biblical foundation and the wisdom of a thoughtful parent who has raised 5 children. For example, Farley asks the question--have you ever noticed that there are very few instructions in the NT regarding parenting? The reason for this, as he convincingly explains, is that although we as parents want techniques and tips, the reality is that the truths and promises of the gospel are what we really need in parenting our children. He writes about the necessity of new birth, the fear of God, discipline and the great need for parents to understand the character of God in His holiness and grace--and he does this in a fresh and interesting way.

I also appreciate and am extremely challenged by his emphasis on fathers. Think about children who grow up in Christian homes. Many of them live sort of nominal church lives, not too hot or cold, mostly lukewarm. Others leave the faith entirely and spend the rest of their days in rebellion against the Lord. Still other children raised in Christian homes grow into strong believers who are passionate about Jesus and live out their lives in godliness and wisdom. Understanding that God is absolutely sovereign, it's still necessary that we as parents ask: why is this? Farley's observation, and mine as well, is that the deciding factor is not education--public, private, or home-school. Instead, Farley writes, "The common denominator between success and failure seems to be the spiritual depth and sincerity of the parents, especially the spiritual depth and sincerity of the father." Parents, especially fathers, I strongly encourage you to read this book and think deeply about the gospel truths therein.

I am the mother of ten kids and found this book to be full of excellent, Biblically sound parenting advice. Set standards and hold kids accountable for their actions, but always in a grace-filled loving way. Another book along these same lines that I enjoyed recently is Counsel from the Cross.

This was a book I purchased several months ago that I thought my wife and I would benefit from and enjoy. Initially I misunderstood a couple of Farley's statements in his introduction. They sounded as if the spiritual depth and sincerity of parents, particularly that of fathers, determined whether children became vibrant Christians or people who lacked faith. I got the impression that if you just followed Pastor Farley's parenting methods, all would be good with your kids. However, this is not want Pastor Farley is saying at all. He clearly states that it is God who opens our eyes. Farley is merely stating that parents who keep the gospel message of Jesus Christ at the center of their lives have the answer to all parenting situations. We must proclaim this message to our children at all times.

Gospel-Powered Parenting was not what I expected. I thought I was purchasing a how-to book that would give me lots of practical advice, but what I received was much better - a 230 page book with not only lots of practical advice, but a theology book on parenting. Like the Book of Ephesians, the first half of Gospel-Powered Parenting is more doctrinal and the second half is more practical. We must first have a clear understanding of who God is, who we are and what our roles are as parents, before we can be effective fathers and mothers. This is what the book provides, not worldly counseling, but the gospel of grace and truth.

Gospel-Powered Parenting is written from a conservative perspective grounded on the Word of God so if you are not a Christian or you possess some liberal views, you will probably not like this book. If you believe spanking children is child abuse, that submission is a curse word, that babies are little angels who do not sin, and that we are all going to Heaven, this book might flat out bother you. Be that as it may, I would still highly recommend that you read Farley's book. Pastor Farley is a humble man who admits that he is far from perfect. I really appreciated his openness and his focus on fatherhood. Although I do not agree with everything I read in Gospel-Powered Parenting, I feel it is the best book I have ever read on building the right kind of families. I highly recommend it.

In Gospel-Powered Parenting, William P. Farley says that parenting must start with good theology. In light of that conviction, it's not surprising that he spends the first five chapters discussing the gospel, the fear of God, God's holiness, and God's grace. Instead of quotes from parenting experts and psychologists, readers will find theologians--John Frame, Martyn Lloyd-Jones, R.C. Sproul--quoted throughout the book. This focus immediately sets the book apart.

After laying the theological groundwork, Farley spends the next six chapters on practical application. The topics are the importance of a strong marriage, the importance of the father's involvement, discipline, teaching in the home, and love and affection.

Farley says that the first principle of parenting is developing a strong marriage. Many parents put great effort into raising their children, yet they neglect the health of the marriage. This is a mistake:

"Marriage centered, not child-centered, moms usually exert the greatest influence on their children for Christ and the kingdom. This means that your weekends away with your husband, alone, might influence your children more than all your teaching and disciplining combined."

Although mothers are more likely to read parenting books, Farley says that it is the fathers who need to read them. Study after study shows that fathers have the greatest influence over their children. It is no coincidence that the few verses in the Bible related to parenting are addressed to the fathers. It's unfortunate that fathers too often leave the bulk of the responsibility with their wife.

Regarding discipline, Farley's approach is much like what you find in Tedd Tripp's Shepherding a Child's Heart. Consistent discipline, including corporal punishment, is essential. "The world says, `Corporal punishment is child abuse.' But the Bible answers, `Failure to discipline is child abuse.'" All discipline must be done in love and with an eye on the ultimate goal: changing the child's heart:

"The heart is the target. The goal is not just morality. It is new birth. We do not get new birth by being moral; rather, new birth produces biblical morality. Therefore, wise parents aim their discipline at the heart. Fundamentally, Christian parents discipline heart attitudes, not behaviors."

I'm not comfortable with the emphasis placed on spanking. I do believe that spanking is necessary and effective sometimes, but not all of the time, nor with all children. In chapter 9, "Discipline that Preaches," Farley tells of a time when he spanked his son for pouting (page 165). And he gives other examples that I'm not comfortable with. While I agree with the main points of the chapters on discipline, I'm not sure to what extent they should be applied. Spanking, I believe, should be used in moderation.

The last emphasis I'll mention is that on teaching in the home. Many Christian parents leave this to the Christian schools and Sunday schools. And they assume that their children know and understand the gospel. But parents must teach and re-teach the gospel in the home, and they must apply it to every aspect of daily life. Not only should there be informal teaching, but times of formal teaching are essential. Parents can't do too much:

"Children don't reject our faith because of too much formal Bible teaching. They reject it because we don't practice it. They reject it because we practice it but do not value it enough to teach it to them....But too much knowledge is not the problem. A lack of knowledge usually is the problem."

Gospel-Powered Parenting is a good and Biblical book. The principles are based upon a theologically sound view of the gospel. I recommend it to parents, grandparents, and teachers.

There's not really much I can add to Tim Challies' excellent review of this powerful, life-changing book, but I did want to add another voice and another 5 stars. This book deserves a wide readership. I'm a Christian parent of three young children and have not been able to put this book down. Farley applies the gospel to parenting in a way I've never seen before. Some of what he writes may surprise or even shock you. If you are a Christian parent, you should get this book and devour it immediately. I will be keeping it handy so I can refer to it and remind myself of the important truths he brings out.

I have read many books on parenting and this is perhaps one of the best ever. As a father of three I always want to strive to be the best parent possible. I agree wholeheartedly that working on our marriage is key and crucial. Additionally, I think authentically living out the Christian faith

As a youth pastor I disagree with his statement that it doesn't matter where or how your kids are educated as long as the kids are being discipled at home. I would have loved to have seen evidence for this rather than a few anecdotal stories about kids that bucked the trend.

A Book Review of William P. Farley's, "Gospel-Powered Parenting: How the Gospel Shapes and Transforms Parenting"
William P. Farley is pastor of Grace Christian Fellowship in Spokane, WA, which belongs to the Sovereign Grace Ministries network of churches.

Farley strikes the balance beautifully between the absolute freedom of God in His sovereignty to regenerate the heart of the elect along with God's sovereignly prescribed means for parents in raising their kids. This balance protects parents from being negligent and passive in the name of God's sovereignty ("My kids salvation rests completely in God and has little or nothing to do with me") or presumption that the prescribed means operate as an assembly line where we simply create Christians by pushing the right buttons ("If I parent exactly how God wants me to, then my kids will absolutely be Christians").

We, therefore, don't parent as if it completely depends on God, nor as if it completely depends on us. These complexities of means and God's overarching Sovereign purposes have long confounded God's people. Godly parents may see their children rebel, whereas Godless parents may see their children radically regenerated by God's Spirit. Having said that, Farley acknowledges that God generally works through means and that negligent parents will generally see the consequences in their children, whereas Godly parents will generally see greater evidences of grace operating in their children.

If anything, Farley advocates parenting that is completely dependent upon God's grace in the discharge of the prescribed means He calls us to.

The most striking and insightful aspects of the book for me personally can be summarized in the following points:
- We must parent with one eye on eternity. Farley states, "...the Christian does not parent for this life only". We have 18 short years to not only influence their short time in this life, but also for all eternity.
- Our aim is not to create "moral" kids. We ought not solely seek behavioral modification in our children. This alone will create nice little hypocrites who are further away from the Gospel of grace. While we must discipline and certainly condemn certain behaviors, we must always be pointing our kids to the cross and the Gospel.
- Theology is enormously practical in how we parent because we should seek to emulate the "communicable" attributes of God towards our children. If we don't know God, then we will paint a distorted picture of His nature to our children.
- Regardless of schooling convictions (Christian school, public school, home school), the one factor that most influences our children's Spiritual wellbeing is the faithful and consistent attention of parents. Farley concedes that public school might be too harmful for some and that all parents must use discretion. Having said that, a particular "method" won't work apart from parents who honor God above all.
- Marriages preach the Gospel.
- Dads matter more than any other factor in the perseverance of children's interest in Spiritual things and church attendance into adulthood.
- Lastly, Farley said, "Love God more than your children". He cites many examples from pastoral ministry where families placed their kids above God and have gone on to pay a dear price with the apostasy of their children. If the parents weren't valuing God more than the weekend soccer games, etc., why should we expect our kids to honor God more than __________ (fill in the blank).

Bottom Line:
I commend this book for parents. There is no shortage of books on parenting, but I think Farley brings out many good points and pastoral life illustrations that will be helpful and hopeful for most parents.

This was a gift for someone - it was and is highly recommended reading. Parents young and old can benefit from this book.