A Grief Out of Season: When Your Parents Divorce in Your Adult Years [Hardcover]

Noelle Fintushel (Author), Nancy Hillard (Author)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

The stress of divorces among older couples on their adult children is distinctly different from and more severe than that experienced by younger offspring of divorcing parents, contend freelance writer Fintushel (whose parents were divorced when she was 22) and family therapist Hillard. In this enlightening, well-organized book, the authors claim that when "mature" couples divorce, as they are doing in increasing numbers, they often depend on their children to help them adjust to their new lives, thereby dividing the offsprings' loyalties and threatening their independence. Hillard and Fintushel offer strategies for overcoming feelings of betrayal, guilt and alienation, which in some cases are aggravated by a parent's remarriage. They also strongly recommend professional guidance to aid in healing and reweaving family bonds.
Copyright 1991 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Kirkus Reviews

A look at the trauma suffered by--and the possible courses of action open to--those whose parents divorce after their children are old enough to vote. It may be lacking in compassion to question the need for a self-help book addressed to the adult offspring of parents who divorce at retirement age. (So prevalent are these midlife breakups now that there is even a term for it, ``gray divorce.'') True, American adolescence is prolonged. But is it legitimate to demand that parents stay together for the sake of the kids when the kids are nearing 30? With that question in mind, this is a pretty good book of its kind. The authors (Fintushel: a free-lance writer; Hillard: a clinical psychologist) address the questions of the pain caused when the familiar patterns of relationships are broken, when family myths are exploded, and when friends ask, ``Why are you so upset? You're grown-up.'' Fintushel's parents divorced when she was 22, and there is an evocative recounting of how her ideal family ``blew up in my face.'' Interviews with other adult offspring of late divorces substantiate the importance of the familial fantasy in shaping lives and character. Hillard contributes advice on dealing with the new relationships that must be formed after such a split, how to avoid destructive patterns in your own marriage, and even how to plan holidays. The wrap-up is that with time and effort, the new lives can be liberating for both parents and grown-up children. The question remains whether grown-up children should be waiting for a parental divorce to launch them on the path to liberation. -- Copyright ©1991, Kirkus Associates, LP. All rights reserved.

Product Details

• Hardcover: 315 pages
• Publisher: Little Brown & Co (T); 1st edition (June 1991)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0316363510
• ISBN-13: 978-0316363518
• Product Dimensions: 9.9 x 6.4 x 1.2 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.4 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 5.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (10 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #630,586 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

39 of 39 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars This is an excellent book for adult children of divorce., February 28, 1998

By A Customer

This review is from: A Grief Out of Season: When Your Parents Divorce in Your Adult Years (Hardcover)

As someone whose parents divorced when I was 24, I can say that this book was the best thing that happened to me during that time. Contrary to what those who have never been there believe, adults whose parents are divorcing feel as much pain and grief as young childrenm, and this book lets them know that others have been there and felt the same. It offers insight on many different situations that may occur in later-life divorce, gives practical suggestions, and explores the feelings that children of such divorces share. It is written in real language, not psychology-speak, giving it a humanistic feel. This is the only book published on the subject of adults whose parents divorce in later life, and is a must-read for those adults.

39 of 41 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Who knew?, October 13, 2000

By A Customer

This review is from: A Grief Out of Season: When Your Parents Divorce in Your Adult Years (Hardcover)

Shortly after my husband of 31 years divorced me for a much younger woman, I stumbled across this book, A Grief Out of Season, in the library where I worked. I was stunned to discover a book on this subject, but boy was I glad I found it. I had been unpleasantly surprised to discover that not only had my husband divorced me, but our three grown children as well - unless they would have a relationship with him on his terms. This meant unconditionally accepting his new wife and her four younger children as their new family! Our children's negative reaction to this and the resulting estrangement from their father was a real source of grief to us all. In the book I discovered that our family was not alone, and drew much comfort from the many personal stories that were related therein. The authors really did their homework, plus their personal experiences were invaluable. I immediately wanted to get this book for each of my grown children and was disappointed to learn that it was out-of-print, so I had to be content with relating to them, second-hand as it were, as much of what I had learned as possible. Since then I have been checking with Amazon.com periodically to see if the book has been re-printed. (This at their recommendation.) I hope it will be soon. Lots of people have much to gain by reading it - grown children and their parents as well!

23 of 23 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The only book I've found on Gray Divorce, April 19, 2005

By 

T. Martin (Bremerton, WA USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: A Grief Out of Season: When Your Parents Divorce in Your Adult Years (Hardcover)

This book was the positive turning point in my grief that nothing else was. I have not found anything else published on this subject. I beg you to read this if your parents are divorcing or have divorced when you were an adult. To know you are not alone-is tremendous.

I'll never forget a friend's mother saying to me when I was twenty-two and had recently heard the world-shattering news of my parents divorce of their (happy) thirty-two year marriage, "At least you're grown up. My kids were still children when my husband and I divorced. It was so painful for them."

At that time, the divorce became the single event of my life. It catapulted me into a clinical depression that I could not climb out of for three years, until I sought help. I'm glad I had the courage to do that, or I would not be here today. I'm still not "over" my parents' divorce, which was now 4 years ago. But, the pain does lessen year by year. I still cannot talk about it in casual conversation. This is due to an overwhelming sense of shame and guilt about the divorce and embarrassment that it affected me in such a profound way. I do not feel room for these feelings in our culture so I keep them inside. This is why this book is so important to me. To know that other adult children of divorce feel as I do is a very big deal.