Customer Reviews

Grow Up!: How Taking Responsibility Can Make You A Happy Adult

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4 star:		(3)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

It's a good book, but since the other reviews cover its strong points, let me include the weak ones: Dr. Pittman has a couple of biases that, in my opinion, weaken the book a bit. First, he advances a stay-married-at-all-costs philosophy that doesn't square with reality. On one hand I say, "Thank God someone finally has the courage to confront our national trend to use divorce to demonstrate how much we've 'grown.'" And I applaud his willingness to speak the truth--that divorce is far more devastating to children than the divorce peddlers dare acknowledge. We scratch our divorced heads (while our children fall to violence and suicide), asking, "Gee, what's wrong with kids today?" Hello, they have no fathers!

Dr. Pittman fails to answer satisfactorily why childless couples should "stay married at all costs" or, for that matter, why people who don't plan to have children should get married in the first place. He provides ample reasons not to divorce, but doesn't really address the benefits and potential of marriage. Nor does he speak to the possibility that marriage may simply be growing obsolete. Like it or not, people aren't willing or able to tough it out anymore. Is the answer to "grow up" and act like we used ta'? I don't know. I don't think Dr. Pittman does either. He does, at least, remind us that kids are involved, and kids need two parents with the maturity to put the kids first. That is--or should be--the commitment that goes with the decision to have children.

Thank you, Dr. Pittman, for helping me sort out my growing uneasiness about those hypnotic messages from the PBS children's shows: "You're SPECIAL." "You're great just the way you are." "There's nobody like you." Sounds good, but I've begun to wonder if self-esteem hasn't become a little too divorced from useful activity in the service of something larger than one's self. Dr. Pittman assures us it has, and reminds us that raising our kids into mature adults has everything to do with teaching them not just to be "unique," but to be sensitive and responsible. Our obsession with 'self-esteem' doesn't seem to be turning out healthy adults, does it?

Sadly, for all he does know, Dr. Pittman misses a critical point in the raising of children. On one side, he advises us to stop seeking the easy solution of divorce (for the sake of the children). On the other, he urges both parents out the door to partake in exciting careers, leaving the kids, presumably, to languish in day care. C'mon, Doc, doesn't "growing up" sometimes include forgoing the comfort--even the seeming necessity--of two-incomes in order to raise our own children? If kids aren't merely a "yuppie fashion accessory," couldn't we reduce the size of the house and the number of cars so that mom or dad is with the kids before and after school? It ain't easy (I know!), but grow up. Our kids need us more than they need more stuff--more, even, than they need enough stuff.

Dr. Pittman's second bias: He seems a bit obsessed with the role of sexual stereotyping in the failure of today's marriages. I wonder if this is really as true today as it was for his generation. I just don't see the sort of role inflexibility in the twenty- and thirty-somethings I know as he does.

Shortcomings aside, it's a solid book with a message our society very much needs. Get it for that narcissistic relative of yours. You know the one. Maybe he or she will read it after the next divorce.

Bob Gordon

This book is for all of us struggling to be adults and "do the right thing" in a society which fosters/ rewards irresponsibility and sees adolescence as a way of life rather than a stage we go through on our way to becoming full and compassionate human beings. Dr. Pittman eloquently but humorously addresses how to grow up, take responsibilty for ourselves and get the most out of our lives while debunking the myths which keep many of us entrenched in out-dated roles/expectations and unhappiness. It is a quick read and at times I laughed outloud at the authors candor and references to movies which substantiated his points.

Frank's previous books were great, but I have never recommended any one book so many times to so many of my clients in so little time. They have all reported gaining good insights into their behavior, to say nothing about changing their behavior and improving their relationships. P. 79 is especially "enjoyed" by controlling men!

As usual, Frank has drawn on his trenchant observations of movies, books, and the people whom he treats- what lucky souls they are- to create a highly informative roadmap for happiness.

Dr. Pittman argues that taking responsibility and working hard ensure happiness, a radical concept for a nation all too often mired in adolescent worship. His critique of the film, Marvin's Room, tells us all we need to know; live responsibly for yourself and others so that your love is self-evident.This alone provides the grounding which so often alludes us.

"Why is it that wherever we turn we cause pain on one another?" This qoutation comes from Lie Down in Darkness- William Styron's searing portrait of a self absorbed southern family. Frank likes it, and one can understand why; he has seen the root of this pain and devoted his life to defeating it, helping others live happily.

I have to admit up front I didn't read all of this book as it wasn't what I thought it was going to be about. I ended up skimming through the final chapters. The style of writing was a tongue-in-cheek (described as witty on the back cover), which I personally didn't enjoy and there were a lot of references to movies which were completely lost on me.

Having said that, here is what I interpret as the essence of the book - if you accept the human condition, act your age, do your job and grow up in today's society, you will be happy - The author then goes on for the rest of the book to describe today's society, so that we can better know what our roles should be. He gives us an overview about the twilight of patriarchy and the rise of narcissism and the consequences for men, women and families as the world changes. He then goes through concepts and ideas about how you should be a grown man ("stop and ask for directions, it really is not that bad...") and then how to be a grown woman in today's society ("don't expect men to read your mind, they can't even read their own").
After this he talks about marriage and how to raise children in today's society. (never read those chapters sorry) and then concludes with a chapter about simplicity and happiness, which can be summed up as 'get on with it and everything will be fine.'

So this book may be helpful if you feel a bit lost about the roles of men and woman in society and where marriage fits, and you are seeking some practical advice on these issues, but it is not something that I would consider essential reading.

As a layman reading this, I thought there were several concepts of interest;

Adult Children - some of us are stuck in our adolescent ways, never growing up, even as adults.

Collapse of Patriarchy - in today's world of social upheaval, where anything goes (and it ususally does), we and our children live in a world where traditional concepts are challenged. This applies to gender, age, etc etc. (Pittman compares this to the decline of Windsor) Our world is increasingly becoming narcisstic, we're trained to consume more and more.

In this post patriarchy world, we are even more challenged to grow ourselves and that of our children.

Pittman's message is simply Grow Up! Take responsiblity for yourself, your choices, your relationships, and forgive your parents.

Still a good read that most people should enjoy, even if they don't agree with everything he says.

Finally a self help book written by a therapist who thinks that we should focus on being grown ups and not self indulgent children with little regard for others. A witty and entertaining book about becoming a grown up and being responsible for your actions and emotions. Novel concepts in our current society, I know. Women will love this book because the author does a great job of trying to point men in directions that will allow them to have deeper and more fulfilling relationships with women. The anecdotes about his patients (he as been a therapist for a long time) and his family really add to the flavor of this easy read. I think that you will find this an enjoyable and enlightening book. I know that I did.

So what kind of person reads a book entitled, "Grow up!" In this case, it's a midlife Christian therapist in Taiwan who got asked to read it as part of a restoration journey. In some ways, I found my position, though not yet a grandfather, that of a cheering audience who has yet to write my own book. I would still like to be a happy adult, though.
I think Frank (Pittman sounds a little formal for an author who shares this many personal anecdotes and writes so informally) is right on target about our need to grow up. To rephrase that, we need to do what we can do with the hand we have been dealt and the day that we have, e.g., today. Blaming others, trying to get others back, or even competing with others is not likely to lead to much long term satisfaction, whether those we target are spouses, kids, bosses, coworkers, friends, or even in-laws.
In fact, the literature tells us that self-sacrifice in the pursuit of purpose is one of the key factors in personal happiness, though in the short term drugs and sex work pretty well, too. As you might guess, this book argues for a long term perspective. And when it comes to long term perspectives, working with the mate we have for the success of one's grandchildren, nephews, nieces, and kids while caring for those who went before us is about as long-term as it gets.
Along the way, Frank doesn't hesitate to give a lot of personal advice. Now this is great, especially if you happen to be short on good advice, and there are a lot of people who are, either because life didn't deal them Frank's hand in cards, or because tragedy or poor choices intervened along the way. Of course, that's the problem, too. If you have dealt with a difficult life or trauma and tragedy along the way, you may not have such a sunny and optimistic view of how to get ahead as Frank does. In fact, you might even get a little angry or jealous as you think about a healthy, highly educated, prosperous man with an intact family and successful children telling you how to have a good life. (Tip from the book: Don't waste too much time on this, it won't do much to help make you a happy adult.) Tip from the reviewer: Don't read this book if you want to hear stories about an author who has overcome adversity and accepted vanity as one's lot in life.
Still, even the author who said, "Vanity of vanities. All is meaningless," also concluded that the best course of action is to live life with gratefulness, accepting it as a good gift and enjoying it. Of course, reputedly that author was also very rich, wise, healthy, and so forth.
So read the book, pick out a few movies you haven't seen if you're into watching movies, and pick one or two things you can do with your current partner, child, boss, or friend to "grow into," and reap a small (or maybe bigger) harvest of joy and peace.
Spoiler note to Christians: Frank is big on post-patriarchal marriages and families, his label for being feminist-friendly, but still big on loving, involved couple and family life, even to the third generation.

I bought this book on the recommendation of a friend whose opinions and attitudes I have long respected. She had cited for me a few paragraphs and I thought it would be something I would enjoy, if not agree with totally--at least it would be stimulating food for thought.

I was very surprised to open to book and find Dr. Pittman's advice to be really lacking basis. There were many times when I couldn't actually decipher what his point was exactly, or what he suggest we do to go about remedying our lives and our world.

I agree that we are living in a world that is rapidly being taken over by consumerism, thoughtlessness, and pretense. I agree that many of the attitudes being celebrated are, at their cores, immature. I also agree that all of this is learned, and is thus a choice that we can make, or not make. We are in charge of our lives, and it is our job to own up to that responsibility--if we don't, we live in a world where other people and powers-that-be control us, and that doesn't feel good no matter how we might try to convince ourselves otherwise.

But I don't think this is worth writing a nearly 300-page book about, or worth the reader's money to buy it. It seems to me that these conclusions are rather obvious, if you just keep your eyes and ears open--and I would hope that anyone who is interested in this book has already taken that step, and realizes that something's amiss. I have yet to see what exactly is entailed by "growing up," in Dr. Pittman's opinion. How exactly does one do that? Chances are, the people who are most in need of this statement have not learned this skill, or else they wouldn't need the book. Grow up....how?....by growing up!

All in all, I was disappointed. The content is not what I thought it would be, and in the midst of that I'm afraid his "witty" writing style was lost on me. I wish I would have perused this in a bookstore before spending the money.

Finally a self help book written by a therapist who thinks that we should focus on being grown ups and not self indulgent children with little regard for others. A witty and entertaining book about becoming a grown up and being responsible for your actions and emotions. Novel concepts in our current society, I know. Women will love this book because the author does a great job of trying to point men in directions that will allow them to have deeper and more fulfilling relationships with women. The anecdotes about his patients (he as been a therapist for a long time) and his family really add to the flavor of this easy read. I think that you will find this an enjoyable and enlightening book. I know that I did.