Grown-Up Marriage: What We Know, Wish We Had Known, and Still Need to Know About Being Married [Paperback]

Judith Viorst (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: February 3, 2004

Although marriage is for grown-ups, very few of us are grown up when we marry. Here, the bestselling author of Suddenly Sixty and Necessary Losses presents her life-affirming perspective on the joys, heartaches, difficulties, and possibilities of a grown-up marriage -- and no, that's not an oxymoron!

Featuring interviews with married women and men, the findings of couples therapists, the truths offered by literature and movies, and a bemused exploration of her own marriage, Judith Viorst illuminates the issues couples struggle with from "I do" through "till death do us part." Examining marital rivalry, marital manners, marital sex (extramarital, too), marital fighting and apologies, what kids do for (and to) marriage, and the boredom and bliss of everyday married life, Viorst leaves no marital stone unturned. From the early years when we wonder "Who is this person?" and "What am I doing here?" to the realities of divorce, remarriage, and growing older (and old) together, Viorst offers insights and advice with honesty, humanity, and humor -- all the while recognizing how tough it is to be married and, when it works, how very precious it can be.

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

In Grown-Up Marriage, bestselling author Judith Viorst uses her abundant gifts to consider how marriage pulls, cajoles, and commands us to grow up. By viewing marriage "as a problem we have to solve again and again," Viorst offers a fresh view of both the mirages of marriage and how readers can adjust their expectations to create an enduring state of the union. Complacency, warns Viorst, is the bind that unties. "If we imagine that marriage is where we can burp, bitch, snicker and snipe day after day without paying a price, we are wrong." She crafts a smart synthesis of decades of psychological research, case studies, and examples drawn from popular culture. Viorst rounds up the usual suspects--the routines that kill marriage, the outlaw in-laws, the mommy-daddy trap--and the unusual ones, including marital sibling rivalry and why second marriages often fail. Each subject is illuminated with nuanced, mirthful details about creating a mature marriage. Her insights are sometimes diluted with too many expert quotes or her own poetry. Still, her shrewd observations will make this book required reading before your next anniversary. --Barbara Mackoff --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Publishers Weekly

Viorst's comprehensive exploration of all things nuptial should be required reading for any betrothed who don't have a plainspeaking veteran to give them the lowdown on what happens when the honeymoon is over. Some of her topics-sex, in-laws, fighting-are standard fare for a book like this. Others, such as a look at the ho-hum ordinariness of daily married life and an overview of how kids change a couple, are more renegade in their honesty and clearly the product of Viorst's own 42 years of married wisdom. For example, how many matrimonial neophytes are truly honest about feeling competitive with their mates? "Such competition [doesn't] necessarily happen only in troubled marriages," writes Viorst. "Just as brothers and sisters vie with each other to be their parents' best-loved child, so may husbands and wives-in their wish to be best or first or most-engage in a marital version of sibling rivalry." Readers should be warned that the author is, in some ways, a product of her generation. It's not hard to detect Viorst's disdain for newfangled practices like living together before marriage and attachment parenting, but for the most part she presents an evenhanded picture of the choices modern couples face.
Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 304 pages
• Publisher: Free Press (February 3, 2004)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0743210816
• ISBN-13: 978-0743210812
• Product Dimensions: 8.4 x 5.4 x 0.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 10.4 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 5.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (7 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #133,897 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Judith Viorst has written many books for children, including the classics Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day and its sequels, and If I Were in Charge of the World and Other Stories. She is also the author of Just in Case, illustrated by Diana Cain Bluthenthal. She lives with her husband, Milton, in Washington D.C.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

38 of 40 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Good book on marriage, February 10, 2003

By A Customer

This review is from: Grown-up Marriage: What We Know, Wish We Had Known, and Still Need to Know About Being Married (Hardcover)

In the movie "Good Will Hunting" the therapist defines soulmate as "someone who challenges you". At first I was puzzled at this definition but I soon found out what this meant by reading this book and living out my own marriage. A marriage is a constant learning experience just like life. We are challenged to change, adapt, and grow everyday and this is what really makes us mature as indivuduals as well as happy in our marriages. This book convincingly showed me that a marital relationship is a process and a neverending opportunity to mature as a human being. Yes, sometimes it seen as a place for comfort and acceptance but it is mostly a challenge, a challenge to grow. A challenge to let go of our insecurities and defenses and open up more and more as we become more and more emotionally intimate with one another. And this certainly requires growth and maturation. Overall, this is a great book that convicingly explains this process. If you are looking for more information about how to let go of our insecurities, open up to our partners and grow as human beings, I'd recommend, "Rhythm, Relationships, and Transcendence" by Toru Sato. It is also a fantastic book on relationships. You'll love it!

26 of 26 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Terrific insights into relationships, April 5, 2003

By 

yankee woman - See all my reviews

This review is from: Grown-up Marriage: What We Know, Wish We Had Known, and Still Need to Know About Being Married (Hardcover)

I wish this book had been written a year ago when my own "starter marriage" was falling apart. There were so many instances in the book where I could point to a passage and say, "Yep! That's us." "That's totally what happened to us too!" etc. It might have saved my marriage. But I'm glad to have read this book later rather than never. With an impressive understanding of human nature, Viorst touches upon the many delicate interrelational factors that causes strain in people's marriages as well as second (and third) marriages, and why seemingly happy couples divorce while destructive, unhappy couples stay together. This is a worthwhile, mandatory read for every couple who plans to get married or is already married or might be thinking of divorce. Do your loved ones a favor and give this book to a future bride or bridegroom as a wedding gift. It's one of the best relationship tune-ups you'll read.

15 of 15 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A Marital Must Read, July 28, 2005

By 

Enigma - See all my reviews

This review is from: Grown-Up Marriage: What We Know, Wish We Had Known, and Still Need to Know About Being Married (Paperback)

This book should be compulsory reading for any couple contemplating marriage. In a sometimes gut-wrenching analysis of modern marriage, Viorst spells out the fallacies of our society's view on marital bliss in a way that will challenge and, on occasion, shock you with its ability to reflect your own romantic relationship.

One of the most provocative chapters is, "The First Shocks of Marriage." This chapter outlines the expectations we bring into marriage and the feelings of betrayal that result when those expectations are invariably, and sometimes brutally, crushed. As a divorced, middle-aged woman with many female friends who maintain a 'revolving door' of romantic relationships, the concept of feeling emotionally betrayed is one that will speak to every woman...and should be understood by every man. Viorst cites the common female viewpoint that "marriage should be nothing less than love, adoration, companionship, physical intimacy, emotional availability, respect, humor and tolerance." And the male viewpoint Viorst cites is one that expects a wife to "respect his need for autonomy and give him plenty of room to do his own thing." Yet, if anything, the reality of marriage teaches us that we often won't get all, or even some, of what we expected.

One lesson every individual who reads this book should learn, and learn, and learn yet once again, is that marriage is work...Work...WORK. This book, like no other I have read, made me question whether I'm up to it. :-) It also made me realize that, when it does work, when both halves of the couple (not either/or) are willing to work diligently at keeping the dream alive, the reward is priceless.