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My Gun Has Bullets (Charlie Willis Book 1) [Kindle Edition]

Lee Goldberg
3.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (40 customer reviews)

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Book Description

The outrageously funny thriller about Hollywood that only Lee Goldberg, the New York Times bestselling author and hit TV producer, could have written.

When Beverly Hills Police Officer Charlie Willis pulls over a speeding Rolls Royce hell-bent for Neiman Marcus, he’s surprised to see Esther Radcliffe, the geriatric star of the TV series Miss Agatha, behind the wheel. He’s even more surprised when she guns him down and keeps on driving. A few hours later, he wakes up in the intensive care unit…to find a William Morris agent, a network president, and the head of Pinnacle Studios standing at the foot of his bed. They have a proposal for him: if he forgets who shot him, they’ll make him the star of his own series, My Gun Has Bullets. Charlie takes the deal, trading his real badge for a fake one…and so begins an uproarious but deadly romp through the wonderful world of TV make-believe…with real bullets.

“It will make you cackle like a sitcom laugh track,” Entertainment Weekly

“A very funny novel…a pinch of Carl Hiaasen, a dash of Donald Westlake, and a heaping portion of avarice and inanity Hollywood Style. It’s boffo,” Booklist

"My Gun Has Bullets takes aim and hits the bull's eye of all good satire -- the truth," Howard Gordon, Executive Producer, Homeland

“A rousing send-up of everything and everyone in the world of show-biz.” The Washington Times

"A funny, crude, outrageous satire about Tinseltown guaranteed to amuse, offend, and fulfill your worst fears about Hollywood," Los Angeles Daily News

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

This brash satire of television fare is as empty as the idiocy it aims to prick. TV screenwriter/producer Goldberg floods the pages with dimwitted entertainment idols, sex and special-effects violence. Esther Radcliffe (read Angela L.), best known as Miss Agatha, the cookie-baking lady who solves mysteries and owns Sunday night across America, is actually a sex-driven harpy who shoots LAPD Officer Charlie Willis (read Bruce) in the stomach when he stops her for speeding. To save Sunday nights, her network bribes Charlie with a show of his own, transforming him into steely detective Derek Thorne on My Gun Has Bullets. Then the mob takes over the production company, and the new head of production starts rubbing out the competition to ensure his top billing in the ratings. Esther meanwhile is being both serviced by the equinely endowed Flint Westwood, who secretly films their indiscretions. When someone puts live ammo in Derek Thorne's gun, Charlie kills a fellow player. Did Esther or the mob supply the bullets? Will Esther murder her top-heavy new co-star, Sabrina Bishop (read Pamela A. of Baywatch)? Lots of T&A and no wit.
Copyright 1995 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Booklist

Beverly Hills cop Charlie Willis wakes up in the hospital after he is gutshot by the maniac driver of a Rolls Royce he stopped for speeding. The two men in Armani suits awaiting his return to consciousness offer Charlie his own TV series if he fails to identify his assailant, the network's ratings queen, Aunt Agatha. Eight months later he's the star of My Gun Has Bullets. But Charlie soon learns that ratings wars are far more lethal than police work. Charlie and his newfound love, starlet Sabrina Bishop, are menaced by a man-eating canine star, two homicidal but profoundly dumb stuntmen, the psychotic Aunt Agatha, a blackmailing, sex-obsessed series star, a Mob hit man-cum-producer, and a wonderfully ludicrous assortment of TV executives. Writer-producer Goldberg's very funny novel is a pinch of Carl Hiaasen, a dash of Donald Westlake, and a heaping portion of avarice and inanity Hollywood style. It's boffo! Thomas Gaughan

Product Details

  • File Size: 445 KB
  • Print Length: 274 pages
  • Simultaneous Device Usage: Unlimited
  • Publisher: Adventures in Television (July 13, 2009)
  • Sold by: Amazon Digital Services, Inc.
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B002HK35IU
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Lending: Enabled
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #77,782 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
16 of 18 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Screamingly funny April 6, 1998
By A Customer
Format:Hardcover
It's incredible that this book is out-of-print already. I ran across it in the library, starting reading the first few pages, and had to run for the desk. Laughing so hard (and so quietly) that the librarians were about to dial 911. Fortunately, one of them had read the book, and understood why I was weeping and gasping for breath. Took it home and had sore stomach and cheek muscles for a week. This is easily among the ten funniest books I've ever read.
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13 of 15 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars 4 1/2 stars July 18, 2009
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
The Good Stuff:

This is a hilarious satire of the television industry with a little murder and mayhem thrown in. Much of the humor is 'tongue-in-cheek' while other scenes are just plain slapstick.

My favorite part was Charlie getting shot by a little old lady trying to get to the Neiman Marcus sale before it was over.

Let's hope the mob never gets that involved with television; although, if they decided to air more episodes of "The Sopranos", I wouldn't cry over it.

I could see this book in my mind as I read it, like watching a movie. Mr. Goldberg is an extremely talented writer.

The Bad Stuff:

I only caught one small error in plot development. Towards the end, there is a sentence: "This was the first time Charlie Willis had ever heard Delbert Skaggs' voice." This wasn't true as he had previously bugged a phone and heard a voice which was identified by another party as Delbert Skaggs.

There were a few errors in this Kindle edition. It was just the usual conversion typos, such as inserting an 'll' for an 'n'. Nothing too distracting, though.

I do think it would have been better had it focused more on Charlie and developed his character in a deeper manner. It skipped around quite a bit at times, then backtracked. I'm just not as fond of that method.

Overall: Truly funny book. Anyone who understands and enjoys satire, while thinking television is sometimes overrated, will enjoy this book.

Rating: Rated R for language and sexual situations.

Length: Novel - 7050 Locations
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8 of 10 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars My Gun is Hilarious February 11, 2004
Format:Paperback
Lee Goldberg's My Gun Has Bullets is definitely one of the crazier, funnier books I've come across in a very long time. he situations are broad and unbelievable, but there is enough truth there to make you wonder.
The situation, in which the Mob finances a television series and, when the show doesn't do as well as expected, begins killing off the stars of the competing shows, is not in itself laugh out loud funny, but Goldberg's deft poking manages to create humor out of a silly premise.
The erstwhile star of the book, Charlie Willis, is also the novel's main flaw - he's just too good to be believed. He's a gentle, kind, aw-shucks ex-cop who gets his own TV series. When the competition staerts dropping like flies, he acts like a cop once again, hunting the killers.
If you're interested at all in the makings of a TV program, you'll enjoy this book. Though tongue-in-cheek, there's enough truth to make you think. The comedy is broad, (think Woody Allen's early films), the writing is above-average and the novel is entertaining, What more did you want?
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
This was written as a teaser for a television episode (really - I'm not making that up). That's all it is. It is very short, very shallow and has no redeeming qualities. It is the barest outline of a plot, with no character development and a plot that is too ridiculous even for television. Seriously, don't bother, it's a total rip off.
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars hilarious January 9, 2014
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
Very unique story with lots of television and actor references (how did he get away with that). And some insight into the world of television programming.
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Very amusing mystery January 4, 2014
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
This book ha me laughing out loud at the absurdity of each new crazy situation. Lee Goldberg is a very entertaining writer.
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Outrageously funny and intriguing November 23, 2012
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
Goldberg is a natural storyteller and it shows in all his books and screenplays. While I am not a big Monk fan, the actor is the problem for me not the stories. Great stuff!
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Really entertaining! October 11, 2012
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
I'm surprised this book is so polarizing, because, on the balance, it's really quite an enjoyable story, with laugh-out-loud scenes often enough to keep your reading. Yes, some plot points are larger than life, but it's that kind of story--an exaggeration of the genre, much like the Hollywood of the setting is larger and louder than life in every way. I raced through it, and enjoyed it the whole way, even when things got outlandish.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
3.0 out of 5 stars Finished
I've read other books by this author that I enjoyed more, but this one was OK. A little far-fetched for me though.
Published 1 month ago by Peggy Yost
1.0 out of 5 stars Not recommended
If you are an animal lover and it bothers you to read about them being harmed, like me, don't read this book. Read more
Published 3 months ago by carsbug
5.0 out of 5 stars Hilarious
I suspect that only a person who has worked in the crazy world of television for as long as Lee Goldberg could turn it into such a funny - sometimes hilarious, book with so much... Read more
Published 5 months ago by David in San Diego
5.0 out of 5 stars Lee Goldberg Rocks
Lee is the funniest writer today, period. As much as I love Christopher Moore and Christopher Buckley, Goldberg leads the trio. Read more
Published 6 months ago by Socal444
4.0 out of 5 stars Great Read
From start to finish this book was hard to put down. Really enjoyed the book and the characters. Was a quick read that kept my interest.
Published 6 months ago by BigJim6760
2.0 out of 5 stars My Gun Has Bullets
I have only real one of Lee Goldberg books, previous to this one. The Long Walk was by far the better read. This book was too silly, while seemingly taking it self seriously. Read more
Published 7 months ago by Sharon Hart
4.0 out of 5 stars Fun
Fast-paced, fun read where the good guy wins. Not intellectual literature by any means, but an entertaining humorous read nonetheless.
Published 7 months ago by Bill Zahren
1.0 out of 5 stars Horrible
I have tried several books by this author due to recommendations from friends. They are all terrible! Predictable and very silly characters. Don't spend the money! Read more
Published 14 months ago by kathy
1.0 out of 5 stars Language
This has a good story, but the language in it is not as clean as I prefer. I deleted it from my kindle. I was expecting a good mystery story with fun. Read more
Published 16 months ago by Madge D. Stewart
2.0 out of 5 stars Got to be really bored
One of the dumbest books I have ever read.
You better have a good imagination and time to kill Nolan
Published 16 months ago by dandm
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More About the Author

Lee Goldberg is an ex-Navy SEAL, freelance Sexual Surrogate and a professional Pierce Brosnan impersonator.

Okay, that's not true. But he wants this biography to be really exciting, so pay attention. If things bog down, I've been instructed to add a car chase or some explicit sex.

Here's the real story. Lee Goldberg writes books and television shows.

His mother wanted him to be a doctor, and his grandfather wanted him to go into the family furniture business. Instead, he put himself through UCLA as a freelance journalist, writing for such publications as American Film, Starlog, Newsweek, The Los Angeles Times Syndicate, The Washington Post and The San Francisco Chronicle (He also wrote erotic letters to the editor for Playgirl at $25-a-letter, but he doesn't tell people about that, he just likes to boast about those "tiffany" credits).

He published his first book ".357 Vigilante" (as "Ian Ludlow," so he'd be on the shelf next to Robert Ludlum) while he was still a UCLA student. The West Coast Review of Books called his debut "as stunning as the report of a .357 Magnum, a dynamic premiere effort," singling the book out as "The Best New Paperback Series" of the year. Naturally, the publisher promptly went bankrupt and he never saw a dime in royalties. (But the books are available on the Kindle as "The Jury Series")

Welcome to publishing, Lee.

His subsequent books include the non-fiction books "Successful Television Writing" and "Unsold Television Pilots" ("The Best Bathroom Reading Ever!" San Francisco Chronicle) as well as the novels "My Gun Has Bullets" ("It will make you cackle like a sitcom laugh track," Entertainment Weekly), "Dead Space" ("Outrageously entertaining," Kirkus Reviews), "Watch Me Die" ("as dark and twisted as anything Hammet or Chandler ever dreamed up," Kirkus Reviews).

"Take me now," she moaned, "you hot writer stud."

She tore off her clothes and tackled him onto the floor, unable to control her raging lust. Nothing excited her more than being around a writer with a big list of books.

Got your attention again? Good. I don't know about you, but I was starting to nod off. Where was I? Oh yes...

Goldberg broke into television with a freelance script sale to "Spenser: For Hire." Since then, his TV writing & producing credits have covered a wide variety of genres, including sci-fi (SeaQuest), cop shows (Hunter, The Glades), martial arts (Martial Law), whodunits (Diagnosis Murder, Nero Wolfe), the occult (She-Wolf of London), kid's shows (R.L. Stine's The Nightmare Room), T&A (Baywatch), comedy (Monk) and utter crap (The Highwayman). His TV work has earned him two Edgar Award nominations from the Mystery Writers of America.

His two careers, novelist and TV writer, merged when he began writing the "Diagnosis Murder" series of original novels, based on the hit CBS TV mystery that he also wrote and produced, and later wrote the 15 bestselling novels based on "Monk," another show that he worked on. He's also the co-creator of Amazon's "The Dead Man" series of monthly horror novellas and the author of the crime thriller "King City." Most recently, he teamed up with Janet Evanovich to write the New York Times bestselling books "The Heist" and "Pros & Cons."

But perhaps he's best known for his pioneering work mapping the human genome and negotiating the North American Free Trade Agreement.

Goldberg lives in Los Angeles with his wife and his daughter and still sleeps in "Man From UNCLE" pajamas.

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