Customer Reviews

How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies: A Book That Takes the Nuisance Out of Name Calling and Other Nonsense

5 star:		(8)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

I bought this book as a gift for a young friend. Having had my own real experience with bullies when I was young, and having learned how to deal with bullies through experience, I wanted to save my friend about 20 years and give a book with advice appropriate for whatever age you are.

Based on the first couple of pages in the "Look Inside This Book", I was impressed. When I received it, I was quickly disappointed because much of the advice was aimed saying nice or "cute" things back to the bully! For example:

Bully: "Big nose!"
Person: "Why, yes, my nose is a bit large. How sweet of you to notice."

If I had said that to any bully when I was in school, the bully would have yelled, "HEY GUYS!" where upon he and his toadies would have surrounded me in a very tight little circle. I can see them hurling insults, pounding and shoving me and screaming with laughter as I said, "Why thank you! I was about to scratch an itch but your boot on my chest took care of it!" I would have been held in a headlock while each of them kicked my rear for compliments! Any teacher on the scene would have blamed me for not trying to at least stick up for myself, but first waiting and watching out of amazement.

The author must have very little experience with "real" bullies, because an outdated theory was used to write this book. The theory that bullies have low self-esteem has been discredited. The strategy of complimenting them to "build up their self-esteem", so they will stop being a bully, can actually backfire and invite more abuse. More importantly, instructing a victim with low self-esteem to help the bully by giving compliments sends the wrong message to the victim. Think future spousal abuse victim. Yuck! This one gets returned.

"Teasers and meanies" don't exist anymore, if they ever did. And "bullies" are going to have a lot of fun with your child if you are naive enough to give a 4th - 7th grader this book.

Kindergarten, maybe.

If you've got a kid experiencing bully problems, you need to be aware that giving bad advice is worse than doing nothing. Do your research - research your kid's school situation, research real-world bullying situations, and above all avoid books like this one. Try reading "Lord Of The Flies" instead - it's a lot closer to what today's schoolyard culture is really like.

Think of a wolf pack or a chicken pecking-order. Kids bully to enhance their own position. Your child needs to learn how to act strong, because weak chickens get pecked to death.

Other kids - even "nice" ones - will either join in or do nothing. For one thing, they have their own position to worry about, and if they defend your child, they may become the new target.

Also, there's a strong cultural belief that suggests victims invite their own abuse. As the late Ann Landers put it, "nobody can take advantage of you without your permission". Let's face it: we don't sympathize with wimps, whiners, clueless people, professional victims, the "politically correct", "people who play the blame game", etc. School counselors like to post things like "Who ever said life was fair?" on their walls. Forget about "justice" or "fair play". That may be commonplace in the grownup world, but it isn't real on the schoolyard.

By the time a bullied kid gets to the 7th grade, he or she may very well be experiencing real physical abuse, vandalized lockers, obscene graffiti, vicious rumours, having their stuff stolen and trashed, internet slander campaigns, sexual harrassment, near-total ostracization - and all of this is fairly routine stuff. The really "serious" bullying is terrifying; it can include things that would be considered "violent crimes" if the public schools weren't held to a different standard.

Bullied kids can be seriously scared to go to school - one of the tipoffs that your kid may be having bully problems is when he or she wants to stay home sick all the time.

Do your kid a favor. Skip this book and just talk to him or her about how things are at school, and LISTEN to your kid if he or she tries to tell you there are problems. Skip the cutesy advice; not only does it not work, but it's one of the biggest reasons kids "know better" than to try to talk to grownups about the problems they're experiencing. And - if your kid is really having problems with bullying - don't rely on school officials. If they knew what they were doing, your child would not be going to the sort of school where bullying is allowed to occur.

One book I would recommend (instead) for a 4th grader is Judy Blume's "Blubber". It was written a long time ago, but it captures that wolf-pack mentality that grownups typically seem to "just not get".

This book might not be bad for a younger child. But NOT for the 4th to 7th grade listed in this book's info blurb.

I was stunned at the quality of this book. I got it at the library, read it in one sitting, and immediately had to buy it from Amazon. I knew this was a book I would be referring to again and again in days, months and years to come.

I have been doing a great deal of research on bullying in order to help my two ADHD kids with this problem, and this is the best book among those written for both children and adults I've found on the subject. My kids and I are now using it for them--and me (it is great for adults, too!)--to gain skills in dealing with bullies (we adults call other adults who are bullies "difficult people"). We are practicing the wonderful suggestions in the book for defusing bullies using, as the author suggests, role playing. It is a great confidence builder for all of us. Confidence for me in my kids' new abilities to protect themselves, and a greater freedom from anxiety on my part for their safety and general social well-being.

I'm not sure that this book supports the best way to handle bullies. The responses she suggests seem to have a somewhat "smart alec" and/or "sarcastic" tone about them. Some of the responses are just down right silly, which might result in a child getting picked on even more.

As a teacher of assertiveness training for 25 years, I am delighted with Kate Cohen-Posey's book on handling bullies and teasers. It is clear, concise, comprehensive -- chock full of practical strategies instead of the theories and generalities found in other books -- the best publication I have seen on this important subject. -Naomi Penner

Phooey! Don't believe the negative ratings unless you've got a kid in an inner-city school and he's coming home every night with a black eye (in which case you need to get him to a self-defense class). If you've got a suburban or rural kid who's just getting teased incessantly, or dealing with irritating cliques every day, and he can read relatively well and can remember things pretty well-- this book is a big help. Sometimes witty come-backs are just the thing for throwing off bullies- and if they *don't* incite violence, well, I'm all for it.

By the way-- school ends. It really does. These skills for dealing with annoying, unhappy, crabby, mean and unnerving people help well into adulthood.

If your kid is in a school where he's getting beat up by gangs, or paying the school "mob" every day so he can sit down for lunch-- think long and hard about whether your life choices are benefiting your kids. Get a tiny apartment in another town. It's not worth endangering your kids' safety.

Steph (single mom of four)

My 8 year old son spent about 40 minutes with this book and the next day he and his best friend were using the book's concepts to invent good resposes to insults. That's what I call practical.

This is an excellent book, designed for young readers. And, it certainly could benefit anyone, at any age.

Ms. Cohen-Posey advises readers to think of a bully as someone who is wearing a bully costume. It can come off, when we (the person being verbally attacked) disarm the attack, with one of these "Acting-As-If" types of responses:

1. Agree with anyting factual
2. Agree in theory
3. Speak it as you want it
4. Take it as a compliment
5. Find a golden nugget
6. Return with a compliment
7. Twist the tone
8. Dramatize logical extension
9. Reverse resistance

I had to laugh loudly, when I read the third choice, because I recently did this in writing, to a huge organization who wanted to minimize the value that I and our volunteer group bring to this organization.

I turned what they said in an email into my writing an endorsement letter for our group, as I thanked the attacking organization for recognizing what we do, the benefit to the community, and our determination to continue doing this good work.

And, on a child's level, here are some really great examples from "How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies":

Example 1:
Tease: Pizza face. (Said to someone with pimples.)
Person: And I know you just love pizza!

Example 2:
Bully: (To victim) You Jew! I knew you wouldn't pay me my money.
Person: Why are you complimenting her for not paying you your money? Jews are neat people. I'd be pretty angry
if someone didn't pay me my money!

Example 3:
Bully: Everyone is saying you go with all the boys.
Person: Well, I heard that you're especially fond of dill pickles with your hamburgers.

Example 4:
Bully: So what, your mother looks like a cow!
Person: I'm not surprised to hear that. She always has been a stylish woman.

Example 5:
Bully: You are so stupid!
Person: You mean I've been wasting all these years thinking I'm smart when I'm actually stupid. Thanks for
wishing me up!

The author says, "Any time you can talk to a bully like a person, you score 10 points for helping stop the spread of meanness in the world!"

Read this book.

This book is terrific for kids who have a difficult time understanding that they can answer back peers who tease. It allows them to grasp the concept that kids do tease, and they can be empowered to choose a technque such as "Play the Game" to respond. I roleplay these scenarios with my patients so that they can use the right tone of voice and body language. They enjoy it, and there is buy-in for practice.

This is a book on How to Deal With Bullies for kids, but I bought it for myself.