Customer Reviews

The Happiest Toddler on the Block: How to Eliminate Tantrums and Raise a Patient, Respectful, and Cooperative One- to Four-Year-Old: Revised Edition

5 star:		(37)
4 star:		(18)
3 star:		(5)
2 star:		(10)
1 star:		(3)

 

 

Dr. Karp's "Happiest Baby on the Block" book got me through the newborn phase, so this was the first toddler book I went to. It was a very interesting read. His basic premise is that toddlers are little cavepeople: the right side of their brain, which deals with language and logic, is not very developed, while the left side, which is very emotional, calls most of the shots. He talks a lot about how parents have to be an ambassador: keep relations happy, while putting their foot down when it really matters. He divides toddler behavior into three categories: "green light" behaviors, which are positive and should be encouraged; "yellow light" behaviors, which are the annoying but not completely unacceptable things toddlers do (whining, for example); and "red light" behaviors which are unacceptable because they are either dangerous or they disobey a key family rule. He gives a great deal of advice on how to deal with each of these three types.

I thought that this was a very honest book about parenting a toddler, despite the fact that some of the things that he said were rather jarring. Some of his advice is very much in opposite to other books, and what I think most parents think is the "right" way to parent. For example, he really emphasizes making compromises, and in at least one example encourages some white lies. Not exactly the type of advice I expect from a parenting book. But this also made it more realistic than other suggestions I've read about raising a toddler. Toddlers don't have the logic skills of an adult, and realistically you have to pick your battles.

The most interesting part of the book to me, and the main reason I think that this book is worth reading, is about talking at your toddler's level when he or she is upset. Karp points out that parents are usually very comfortable talking in toddler-ese when their child is happy, but when their child is upset they try to talk in a calming voice. This backfires, because they are using complex sentences, long words, and a monotonous voice that can be hard for a toddler to understand. So the toddler gets even MORE frustrated and upset. I thought that his solutions for dealing with this problem were well worth reading.

I haven't read the old edition, so I can't comment on what changes were made.

The basic gist of the book is that in order to get through to our toddlers' still-developing "cave kid" brains, we need to, first, mirror what they are saying so that they know their feelings and communications have been heard and are acknowledged, and, second, use a particular way of talking that relies on short, repetitive phrases. Sounds simple in a way, but the truth is that this is not a very intuitive way to communicate -- particularly when you're dealing with a child who is very upset. The author points out that our typical response to an upset child is to talk quietly, trying to dissuade or distract the child from the situation -- and that's definitely true as far as my usual strategy . . . until I read this book. I first put the book's technique into action actually when I was still just halfway through the book. My 2 1/2 year old daughter woke up in hysterics at about 2 AM. When I went to her room half-dazed and desperate to calm her, I just reflexively resorted to the technique because I'd been reading about it the prior evening. I started mirroring her emotions with words such as, "You're crying! You say, Mommy hold me! You say, Mommy I'm scared!" As per the book's instructions, I also tried to capture at least some of my daughter's distraught emotional state in my tone of voice and with my gestures. I kept repeating the technique as she progressed through a few demands over the course of 5 - 10 minutes. But, the point is that the situation ended in JUST 5 or 10 minutes (not an hour or more as it has sometimes been in the past). I also remember clearly at one point, as I was mirroring my daughter's woes, she looked me in the eye and said, "Yeah!" She knew that she was being heard! For me, that moment showed me the validity of this technique. Toddler's are pretty smart, but they are emotionally immature ("cave kids") and their language skills are not that well developed. So, when a young child is upset and trying to get her point across, and then the parent responds with soft words that try to diminish the upset rather than acknowledge it . . . of course the kid gets even madder and more frustrated. Here she is screaming her little lungs out trying to get her point across and all Mommy does is try to hush her up. When my daughter responded "Yeah!" to my mirroring statements what I really saw in her eyes was relief: Mommy gets it! Mommy understands what I'm saying! Soon after that point, she let me calm her and put her back in her crib. And as I lay nearby until she fell back asleep, all I could think to myself was, "Oh my gosh -- this stuff works!!" I also want to mention that the rest of the book has a lot of great reminders about how to best communicate with our toddlers so that they feel respected and loved, while we get the essential outcomes we need and want to keep our kids safe and our homes sane. Reading these tips has reminded me that we can get a lot more out of our kids (and really out of life in general) with honey than with vinegar. Our toddlers want to have fun and feel empowered and the path of least resistance is often to let them do both, while still ensuring that essential rules are respected in the household. I appreciate the author's candor in saying that with toddlers a "fair" outcome may be the toddler having it her way 90% of the time, with the parent winning 10% of the time (at least, if we're smart, that's how the toddler will perceive things). So, it's not a 50-50 deal, but I'm okay with that because at the end of the day I know that the 10% stuff is what is really essential for me and my family and the 90% is mostly what being a parent should be about -- spending time playing with and enjoying our kids.

If you are turning towards parenting books, I've found you need a variety of them in order to find some approaches that may work with your child. This one is good to have in your library, even if everything in the book doesn't work with you. For instance, I think his Fast Food Rule and Toddlerese concepts are good, but I just couldn't get them to work with my two year old. But, there's more to the book than that, it has some great ideas on little things to do to help the day to day life with a toddler. I use a lot of the ideas in the "reward green-light behaviors" chapter, like the star charts, hand checks, and "time-ins". One thing that is good about this book is that he does emphasize positive reinforcement, which I've found does help shape behavior of a willful toddler.
One thing that is annoying is his constant "this book is so great it will help you do this..." and "if you follow my advice, everything will be perfect!" The pages of quotes from parents who used his techniques and had them work "right away" can be frustrating if you've tried the same thing on your kid and it doesn't work. But, like I said, it does contain a lot of different techniques and ideas to try, so it's still worth a read.

I first heard of Dr. Karp on The Dr. Phil Show.

I have read many parenting books and this is one of my all time favorites! It is so easy to read and understand. The information you get from this book I have not read anywhere else - how a toddler's mind works, the "Golden Rule of Communication" and the "Toddler-ese". Dr. Karp explains this information so clearly and easily. It makes a lot of sense and best of all IT WORKS!!! You will be astonished.

Here's an example: My 2 year old did not want to get out of the tub. She'd been in there forever and it was time to get dinner on the table. Finally I just drained the tub on her and she had a fit. On a scale of one to ten her tantrum was a 10. After trying Dr. Karp's techniques I saw an almost immediate result. In less than a minute she was down to a 7. In about five minutes the tantrum was over and she came out of the tub on her own.

There was another surprise to this event. A couple hours later she mentioned how "Mommy had flushed her water away." I asked her if she was still mad at me and she looked at me in astonishment and said, "Oh no, we are friends, I LOVE you!" and gave me a big hug. This event actually brought us closer.

Dr. Karp's techniques are very respectful to your child and really allows them to feel like they were heard. It not only calms tantrums but also helps cut down on future tantrums because your child feels closer to you.

Dr. Karp really loves and respects toddlers and it shows. This book is GREAT!

On an additional note, Dr. Karp has an equally great book called the "Happiest Baby on the Block." Again information you won't get anywhere else and it works. This book gives great tips on how to calm newborns and is my favorite gift for new parents. If you do happen to give it as a gift, give it before the baby is born so that the new parents can get up to speed on his techniques.

I just think Dr. Karp is a genius when it comes to babies and toddlers.

I bought this book because I'd heard so many good things about it. I believe in gentle discipline and I'd been very discouraged about my inability to connect with my child since she was around 30 months or so. I found myself using screaming, clapping, and reverse psychology which I always believed were kind of harsh (the first two) or disingenuous (the last).

Dr. Karp has what he describes as "better than magic" approach of using "toddler-ese" (speaking like a toddler, i.e. two- to three-word sentences, lots of expressiveness) and reflective empathy ("You don't like that! That is scary!"), as well as a toolkit of other approaches, to help you "eliminate tantrums."

The main problem with this book is that it makes over-the-top claims which makes parents of even slightly-more-stubborn-than-usual child (oh, and did I tell you, Dr. Karp is a member of that section of society that believes if you call it tenacious or spirited, the kid won't catch on), you feel like an utter failure and horrible parent, because he says it ALWAYS works. So you, the parent, must be doing something wrong (e.g. you have not found the child's "sweet spot", which is the level of empathy s/he supposedly needs to feel better). As if I wasn't already feeling bad enough about not being an effective disciplinarian: now I'm not empathetic enough, either. Or you could blame it on your child, and assume that your child is so incredibly "spirited" that Dr. Karp has not encountered such a child in all his years of practicing medicine. That is only slightly less discouraging! For that reason alone, I would never recommend this book.

There are other problems- first of all, no allowances are made for different parenting styles. And I'm not talking about spanking vs. not spanking, I'm talking about just differences in personality among parents. Second of all, it is supposedly geared at younger and older toddlers, but my child does not talk like he suggests talking to a toddler. She might be a little bit ahead of the curve, but I have met many other toddlers like her. What are we supposed to do? Third of all, there is one chart in the book that suggests that toddlerhood difficulties begin around 18 months and take a break between two and three, then resume a bit. That was when I knew for sure this book was not for me- for us, it started at one year, and we're not yet three and we haven't gotten a break!

Finally, a number of the methods in the book seem to me to be too disingenuous. Sure, they can be used in an emergency (reverse psychology to get a toddler out of Target without a meltdown, I admit I do it all the time), but as a standard? Most toddlers will not be fooled by that for long! The 90/10 bargaining tool would never work with mine, because she KNOWS what she wants. And I know, because I've been trying it for the better part of a year.

If you only see a given toddler a couple of times a year for an hour, or even for several hours a week, that just does NOT give you the experience that you need to test out a parenting method. Of course the high-five play-the-boob trick works on his patients. It's the first time they've seen it! I dare Dr. Karp to take my kid for two months and to try that on a Sunday afternoon in the supermarket as he tries to get her to put back whatever those evil supermarket marketing experts put on the bottom shelf. Boob, schmoob, psychology, fiechology, she wants the Hot Wheels ten-pack. What do I do THEN? This book has no answers- it just has a magic wand, and when the magic wand doesn't work, you're left feeling like the World's Worst Parent.


My child is not exceptionally difficult. She's wonderful. But apparently our family just does not have the dynamic to use these particular tools, and I really resent the implications that they will work for everybody. As a struggling parent, that's the last thing anyone needs!

I wanted something more specific than "Adventures in Gentle Discipline", but I think I'm going to have to go back to the old standard. That book is supportive of parents and very encouraging, and it also has a lot of different tools in it- but it does not pretend to be what it's not.

I loved The Happiest Baby on the Block but was far less impressed with this book. Some of the techniques are too obvious to warrant inclusion in a book (i.e. speak to a toddler in simple language, if you get wound up they will too) and much of it feels like training in tricking your toddler or negotiating with them. With my son I much prefer a simple approach of having rules and sticking with them without yelling, and praising for good behavior. My husband and I always joke that "we don't negotiate with terrorists" so either our son eats his peas and gets desert or he doesn't.

I have a sensitive, shy 19 month old girl who cannot communicate well with words (yet). Although my husband and I are very careful of her feelings, we were not sure how to ease her frustration when her requests are denied. Now we know how to tell her (in short bursts) we understand what she wants... even if she cannot have it. The Happiest Toddler On the Block has been a valuable communication tool for our little family. I would most definitely recommend it to anyone seeking ways to reduce tantrums (do not expect for your child to miraculously stop getting angry or frustrated). Be ready to do some work and your child will feel understood and emotionally cared for.

Out of all the books I've read on coping with toddler tantrums this has definitely been the most helpful. The beauty of this book is how the author helps you to understand your toddler's way of thinking and how to acknowledge their frustrations and emotions in a healthy way. I had no idea prior to reading this book that when toddlers are upset the portion of their brain that controls language and logic shuts down and the portion that houses emotions takes over. Now I understand why talking in a soothing and calm manner to my son when he was throwing tantrums didn't help. It has been beautiful to know how to mirror my son's feelings and to see him find relief that I understand his anger and frustration. Its pretty cute too, to see him know how to express his own feelings verbally instead of crying/screaming. He can now (at 20 months) run around and yell, "MAD, MAD, MAD"! when he's upset and then slowly calm down as I agree with him. A lot of times now after venting and having me acknowledge his anger, he will wind down and eventually start to giggle, like Mommy really gets it! This book also helped me learn why you shouldn't try to use distraction all of the time to end tantrums. For instance, how would you feel if you had a horrible day at work and your boss did something dreadful to you and when you got home, your spouse, instead of letting you vent and telling you something like, "I'm sorry that happened to you, that's really horrible, I would be mad too!" and instead gave you a cookie or your laptop, ignored your anger and talked to you very slowly and calmly, yep, that would really stink! True, maybe the author shouldn't practically guarantee your success with this book but it has helped me profoundly not only with helping my son to calm down and to express himself but for me, personally not to lose my own cool when he flips out. Before reading this book, I was often so frustrated when he threw a tantrum, thinking things to myself like "you are so spoiled", "why are you doing this to me"?? "You treat Mommy like crap!" etc. but now I understand what's going on in his little head and that he literally has no emotional control at this age. I have to teach him over time and as his brain develops to have that control. Taking a crayon from him when he doesn't want to let it go is the equivalent of someone stealing your car or your bank account as an adult. Don't be turned off by the length of the book either, there's an illustration and patient quotes on almost every other page, if you're in a hurry you can skip all that and the actual text ends up being pretty fast to read. I also recommend Elizabeth Pantleys, No cry Discipline Solution.

The explanations all make sense and are congruent with other literature. The actual actions may seem weird, but the ones I've tried are working! Worth a read.

I read this book in one day and found it very helpful. Some of it is intuitive, but not for me, so it's nice that someone can articulate these concepts so people like me can put them to use!! I read this on a plane and came home that night and immediately starting using some of the teachings. It was amazing how well it worked! I could see a look on my 2 year old's face that said "she gets what I'm saying!!" It was great and has helped me better communicate to her. Thank you.