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I Hate You, Don't Leave Me Mass Market Paperback – Abridged, February 1, 1991

213 customer reviews

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) has been in the official psychiatric lexicon only since 1980. "Borderlines," according to the authors, are people who suffer from a weak sense of identity and a fear of abandonment; given to rapid mood swings, impulsive self-destructiveness and violent outbursts, they frequently have family backgrounds marked by alcoholism, child abuse or emotional distance. Kreisman, a psychiatrist who heads a BPD unit in a St. Louis hospital, and health writer Straus, speculate that the BPD diagnosis might be applicable to Marilyn Monroe, Adolph Hitler, T. E. Lawrence and Muammar al Qaddafi. They claim that BPD afflicts over 10 million Americans and is the most common disorder among hospitalized mental patients. This clinically written primer leaves the reader with the impression that BPD syndrome is a catchall category.
Copyright 1989 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

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Product Details

  • Mass Market Paperback: 224 pages
  • Publisher: HarperCollins; 1.2.1991 edition (February 1, 1991)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0380713055
  • ISBN-13: 978-0380713059
  • Product Dimensions: 6.9 x 4.2 x 0.6 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 4 ounces
  • Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (213 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #66,925 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

169 of 176 people found the following review helpful By Wendy Kaplan on February 3, 2002
Format: Mass Market Paperback
Before I begin, let me say that I do not suffer from BPD, and can only guess at the anguish associated with this disorder. I have noticed that several BPD sufferers have great issue with this book, and I thoroughly respect that.
For me, however, it was an enormous help. I found it recommended on a website with information on Borderline Personality Disorder. I had just ended a very painful and confusing relationship with a person I suspected might have BPD, and I wanted more information as a layperson, to heal myself, not him (it was too late in our relationship for that). I had experienced the "I hate you, don't leave me" syndrome with him repeatedly, until finally it became simply "I hate you." I was doubting myself, confused, angry, hurt--the works.
This book put things in perspective for me in a way I could understand. I am philosophically opposed to "self-help" books, but in this case, I used the book as a tool to help me heal from my failed relationship. My copy of this book is dogeared, underlined, there are my comments scribbled in the margins, and notes to myself are on the endflaps. Recently, I dug out the book and reread it. I still found it an enormous and enlightening help.
Therefore, I recommend the book highly to those who need a place to begin in understanding BPD. It is too simplistic to be exhaustive, but it provides enough information, for me at least, to know where to go to seek more depth.
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592 of 634 people found the following review helpful By Patty E. Fleener on June 16, 2000
Format: Mass Market Paperback
I am Patty Pheil of Borderline Personality Disorder Today. This book, as far as I know is the first book about the BPD written for the consumer. The book in and of itself is excellent and filled with good information. However, many borderlines have felt suicidal after reading this book if this is the first book they read about the BPD. Why? Simply because this book was written awhile back before much was known about how certain medications can be extremely helpful with many of the BPD symptoms such as rage, depression, mood swings, etc. Therefore the book was written with good information but the aspect of hope and recovery is not in this book. One feels hopeless after reading this book. This was the first book I read about the BPD and that is how I felt - more disturbed and hopeless. This is not the author's fault however. He simply wrote the book at a time where there wasn't much known about treatment. It would be great to have this great information along with the new drug treatment in a new edition.
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411 of 447 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on November 30, 1998
Format: Mass Market Paperback
I found this book to be very useful in helping me understand the behavior of a woman with whom I was involved. It was recommended to me by my therapist who was treating me for depression because of the traumatic relationship I had with a borderline.
Kreisman and Straus do an excellent job of explaining the root causes, behaviors, and treatment of the disorder as well as coping skills for dealing with a person with BPD. Although the relationship was turbulent and ended disastrously, I found a great deal of comfort in the book because it explained how and why a borderline behaves the she does. I learned that I indeed had narcissistic tendencies which drew me toward women with clinging and idealizing behavior, but then devaluating and vengeful behavior. Basically I was involved in a hostile/dependent ( narcissistic / borderline ) relationship. It made me take a serious look at my self. I also have learned to be a lot more cautious about who I relate with in my life.
Borderlines are not evil, just very vengeful and scared people. If you are involved in any capacity with someone who exhibits primitive idealization, devaluation, omnipotence, projection, or projective identification and seems irrational, this person may have BPD. This book will help you learn principles to help cope with a borderline. I sure wish I had access to it when I was involved with one.
I think this is among the books which have had the most positive impact on my life. This book will help you identify and understand borderline behavior as well as cope with those who are afflicted with this misunderstood and painful disorder. I hope you will find it useful as I have.
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54 of 59 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on May 12, 2001
Format: Mass Market Paperback
This amazing little book litteraly fell off the shelf at my feet in Borders one night. The title intrigued me, so I took it home. Then it saved my life. I had begun to question not only my husband's sanity, but my own...but, this book gave me a name for it - BPD. This little book validated me. It also gave me coping methods and such a great understanding. I realized that this is an illness and I didn't have to take these behaviors personally. This book is more clinical than Stop Walking On Eggshells, but even the non-medical person should be able to gain great insight and understanding of their partner's (or parent's, or friend's, or co-worker's, etc.) behavior. The authors don't mince words. This is a difficult disorder to deal with and very difficult to live with. This book, even though I bought it, has been a huge gift for me. If the title makes sense to you, then read the book. You won't be sorry!
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31 of 33 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on April 14, 2004
Format: Mass Market Paperback
The difference between a 'qualified' psychologist/clinician and a truly helpful one is the ability to listen well enough to understand what's happening uniquely INSIDE, not just outside, and to pragmatically approach both the inner and outer dysfunction with common sense and compassion. This book describes the theoretical and behavioral frameworks of BPD without ever truly touching the inner reality of this condition, and, as has been pointed out elsewhere, presents BPD as a nearly hopeless condition with a high mortality rate.
I Hate You Don't Leave Me is a caricature of the BPD sufferer and the illness itself and I believe lends itself to creating more of a divide between the person with the illness and the loved one who reads it with its tendency to objectify the person with BPD. For the BPD sufferer, as someone else pointed out, this book is potentially very destructive to read.
I fervently wish I could recommend another book on BPD for you but the fact of the matter is, there has yet to be written a definitive, practical and compassionate guide to this consuming disorder. As someone who has more than 20 years experience with BPD, I will say that love, patience, telling the truth and gentle boundary setting are very good beginnings on the road to recovery.
It has been written that there are some people who 'outgrow' BPD in their 30s and 40s, however, while the symptoms may diminish in intensity, the perceptual inaccuracies and emotional/behavioral maladaptions continue to affect the quality of life for the BPD sufferer and her or his loved ones until/unless they are directly addressed.
If you are considering treatment options, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy both in individual and group settings may be an excellent place to start.
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