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How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding: With Your Spouse, Adult Child, Boss, Coworker, Best Friend, Parent, or Someone You're Dating
 
 
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How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding: With Your Spouse, Adult Child, Boss, Coworker, Best Friend, Parent, or Someone You're Dating [Paperback]

Henry Cloud (Author), John Townsend (Author)
4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (10 customer reviews)

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Book Description

December 13, 2005
A practical handbook on positive confrontation, now available in softcover with a discussion guide Successful people confront well. They know that setting healthy boundaries improves relationships and can solve important problems. They have discovered that uncomfortable situations can be avoided or resolved through direct conversation. But most of us don't know how to have difficult conversations, and see confrontation as scary or adversarial. Authors Henry Cloud and John Townsend take the principles from their bestselling book, Boundaries, and apply them to a variety of the most common difficult situations and relationships in order to: * Show how healthy confrontation can improve relationships * Present the essentials of a good boundary-setting conversation * Provide tips on preparing for the conversation * Show how to tell people what you want, stop bad behavior, and deal with counterattack * Give actual examples of conversations to have with your spouse, your date, your kids, your coworker, your parents, and more!

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How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding: With Your Spouse, Adult Child, Boss, Coworker, Best Friend, Parent, or Someone You're Dating + Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward + Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't
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Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Dr. Henry Cloud is a popular speaker, and co-host, with Dr. John Townsend, of the nationally broadcast New Life Live! Radio program, and cofounder of Cloud-Townsend Clinic and Cloud-Townsend Resources. His bestselling books include the Gold Medallion Award-winning Boundaries books and Making Small Groups Work. Dr. Cloud and his wife and two daughters live in Southern California. SPANISH BIO: El Dr. Henry Cloud es un conferenciante de gran popularidad. Con el Dr. John Townsend es anfitrion del programa de radio New Life Live!, ademas de ambos ser fundadores de la Clinica Cloud-Townsend y de la organizacion Cloud-Townsend Resources. Es el autor de varios libros premiados con el reconocimiento Medalla de Oro, entre ellos 'Limites' y 'El poder transformador de los grupos pequenos'. El Dr. Cloud, su esposa y sus dos hijas radican en el Sur de California.

Dr. John Townsend is a psychologist, popular speaker, and cohost of the nationally broadcast New Life Live! radio program, and a cofounder of Cloud-Townsend clinic and Cloud-Townsend Resources. His bestselling books include the Gold Medallion Award-winning Boundaries. Website: www.drtownsend.com Blog: facebook.com/drjohntownsend SPANISH BIO: Dr. John Townsend -- El Dr. John Townsend es un popular conferencista y un famosisimo autor de exito de ventas. Es graduado de psicologia clinica en Rosemead Graduate School of Psychology de Biola University. Ademas es coautor de numerosos libros incluyendo el ganador de la Medalla de Oro Limites. el es coanfitrion del programa radial emitido a nivel nacional New Life Live!

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding The Talk Can Change Your Life As we speak around the country at conferences on relationships, we will often hear some version of the following story. A man will come up and say, 'Thanks for your materials on setting limits and boundaries. They have changed my life and my marriage.' We will say, 'Thank you, too. So what book did you read?' 'I didn't read a book,' the man will say. 'My wife did!' He will go on to explain: 'I was a crummy communicator with my wife. I controlled her, I had some bad habits, and I had no spiritual life to speak of. Then she read Boundaries, and she started applying the principles. That's when things started changing for both of us. It took some time and effort, but I'm really different now. We are closer, and we have more respect for each other and more freedom in the relationship. I'm doing a lot better with those bad habits, and I'm waking up to my relationship with God.' You would normally expect someone to talk about a book he has actually read. However, this man's unexpected response illustrates a reality: The person who has the problem in a relationship often isn't taking responsibility for his problem. This was bad news for the man's wife. She wanted to see change, but he either didn't see a problem, thought it wasn't a big issue, or thought his wife was overreacting. This can leave the wife who cares for her husband feeling helpless, discouraged, and less able to feel love in her heart for him. But there is good news. Though the person with the problem may not be taking responsibility for, or 'owning,' the problem, the person affected by the problem can change things. You may be the motivated one, the one who is concerned, sees the problem, and feels discomfort from it, whether it be a bad attitude or a bad behavior. In fact, you may be feeling more pain and discomfort than the other person. In our example, the wife, before confronting her husband, most likely had to deal with isolation, lack of freedom, his bad habits, and the emptiness of not having a spiritual partner. Things can change when the person experiencing the effects of the problem takes the initiative to resolve it. This wife took the first step. She became aware that her husband's ways weren't good for either of them and that nothing would change unless she did something herself. That first step is often a conversation, a talk, a face-to-face confrontation with the other person. It is a conversation in which the two people discuss the problem and what can be done about it. It is a talk of truth. That single conversation may be all that's needed. But more likely, it will be the beginning of a series of conversations and events, as it was with the marriage in our example. We want to affirm and validate your decision to have 'the conversation you have been avoiding.' How to have that conversation is the core need this book addresses. You need a caring yet honest and effective way to confront someone in your life. The Bible teaches --- and research supports the idea --- that you can develop the skills and tools to be able to confront well. Things can changewhen the person experiencing the effects of the problem takes the initiative to resolve it. What Is a Boundary? Before we go further, however, we need to define a term that will come up a lot in this book: boundary. Simply put, a boundary is your personal 'property line.' It defines who you are, where you end, and where others begin. It refers to the truth, to reality, to what is. When you confront someone about a problem, you are setting a boundary. You can set a boundary with your words when you are honest and when you establish a consequence for another's hurtful actions. Boundaries help define who we are in our relationships. When we know what we want and do not want, what we are for and against, what we love and hate, what is 'me' and what is 'not me,' we are setting boundaries. People with good boundaries are clear about their opinions, beliefs, and attitudes --- in the way that Jesus taught: 'Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one' (Matt. 5:37). People without clear boundaries are unsure of their opinions, feelings, and beliefs. They find themselves easily controlled by the demands of others because they feel unsure of themselves when they need to take a stand. Boundaries also help protect us from injury and harm. By setting boundaries we can take responsibility for the lives and gifts God has given us: 'Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life' (Prov. 4:23). Boundaries protect our values, feelings, time, energy, and attitudes. When a person says to another, 'I want you to stop criticizing me in public,' he is setting a protective boundary. God himself has boundaries. He designed them and lives them out. He is clear on who he is, what he is for, and what he is against. He is for relationship, truth, love, and honesty, and he is against oppression, injustice, sin, and evil: 'For I, the Lord, love justice; I hate robbery and iniquity' (Isa. 61:8). (For more information on boundaries, please refer to our books Boundaries, Boundaries in Marriage, Boundaries with Kids, and Boundaries in Dating.) In this book we deal with one specific aspect of boundaries: We tell you how to set them by having a helpful and effective 'talk' with another person. We will sometimes refer to that confrontation as a boundary conversation, that is, a talk with someone in which you confront a problem you want to resolve with the person.

Product Details

  • Reading level: Ages 18 and up
  • Paperback: 320 pages
  • Publisher: Zondervan (December 13, 2005)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0310267145
  • ISBN-13: 978-0310267140
  • Product Dimensions: 7.9 x 5.3 x 1.2 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 10.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (10 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #36,941 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Dr. Cloud is a leadership consultant, best-selling author, and speaker whose books have sold well over 5 million copies. He consults and speaks for companies and organizations in the area of leadership and performance, and is highly regarded for his ability to connect personal and interpersonal development with the needs of business.
He is a clinical psychologist and leadership consultant with a unique ability to connect with audiences. Drawing upon his broad range of experiences in private practice, leadership consulting, and media, he simplifies life's issues and gives easy to understand, practical advice. It's Dr. Cloud's humor, compassion and "in the moment" confrontation that make his approach to psychology, business and spirituality such a success.
Dr. Cloud has written, or co-written, more than twenty books, including the two-million-seller Boundaries and his most recent books, Necessary Endings, Integrity, The One Life Solution, The Law of Happiness and 9 Things You Simply Must Do. His books have sold over five million copies. His works have been reviewed and featured by such publications as The New York Times, The Wall St. Journal, The Boston Globe, The Los Angeles Times and many others. Dr. Cloud co-hosts the nationally syndicated radio program New Life Live, which is heard in over 180 markets.
As a speaker, he is a favorite at corporate events, conventions, and public arena events on a variety of topics, speaking regularly through the U.S. and internationally.
In his consulting practice, he works with leaders in a wide range of organizations and corporations, from family help firms to Fortune 25 and Fortune 500 companies. He has an extensive executive coaching background and experience as an organizational and leadership consultant, spending the majority of his hands-on time with CEOs and executive teams.
Dr. Cloud founded and built a health care company which operated treatment centers in forty markets in the Western U.S. for which he served as Clinical Director for ten years. In that context of hands-on clinical experience, he developed and researched many of the treatment principles and methods that he communicates to audiences now. After selling the company, he devoted his time to consulting and coaching, spreading principles of hope and life-change through speaking, writing and media.
He is a graduate of Southern Methodist University, earning a B.S. in psychology with honors. He completed his Ph.D. in clinical psychology at Biola University, and his clinical internship at Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health. His philanthropic interests lie in the area of homelessness and the inner city, as well as missions in the developing world. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Tori, and their two daughters, Olivia and Lucy.

 

Customer Reviews

10 Reviews
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Average Customer Review
4.5 out of 5 stars (10 customer reviews)
 
 
 
 
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30 of 30 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars Confrontation 101, March 5, 2006
By 
VeraLee (Washington, DC USA) - See all my reviews
This review is from: How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding: With Your Spouse, Adult Child, Boss, Coworker, Best Friend, Parent, or Someone You're Dating (Paperback)
Does the mere word "confrontation" give you a stomach ache? If so, it may help to know that, according to Cloud and Townsend, the word literally means to come face to face with another person-- in other words, it is a positive relational term. This book gives practical, step-by-step advice on how to have difficult but vital conversations with people you are in relationship with. It outlines strategies for how to prepare, how to remain loving, and how to keep the conversation on track. Although it focuses on "big" conversations about matters that may have been brewing for a while, it is also useful for smaller, day-in day-out kinds of confrontations. Some people grow up in homes that encourage this kind of interaction, and some people grow up avoiding such matters. Cloud and Townsend give a biblical basis for operating in both grace and truth, just as Jesus came full of grace and truth.

This book is best understood in the context of the book Boundaries, by the same authors. However, it can also stand on its own.
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26 of 28 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars Exactly What the Title Says!, March 22, 2006
This review is from: How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding: With Your Spouse, Adult Child, Boss, Coworker, Best Friend, Parent, or Someone You're Dating (Paperback)
Apparently, at some point in the past, there was a book called, Boundaries Face to Face. Thankfully, Cloud and Townsend changed the title to something a bit more practical. Though I would never pick up `Boundaries Face to Face' I immediately picked up `How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding With Your Spouse, Adult Child, Family, Boss, Coworker, Friend, Parent, or Someone You're Dating.'

Having a lot of opportunities to listen to people who are wondering how to have difficult conversations with others, this book will become a permanent, staple reference. It is simple, practical, and gives godly wisdom on the art of confrontation and communication.

Overall the book is great. I think a little more attention could be paid to dealing with people who refuse to stay on topic, but this is really a very minor point throughout the book. Overall, it is an excellent guideline for biblical confrontation with others and I would highly recommend it.

For a full review go to my blog in my screen name and click on the Readings category.
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5 of 5 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding: With Your Spouse, Adult Child, Boss, Coworker, Best Friend, Pare, February 5, 2008
By 
GH (Bedford, TX) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding: With Your Spouse, Adult Child, Boss, Coworker, Best Friend, Parent, or Someone You're Dating (Paperback)
Full of practical considerations; enabled me to think about areas in the relationship I had not considered before. Highly recommend.
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