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Have You Found Her: A Memoir [Paperback]

Janice Erlbaum (Author)
4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (24 customer reviews)

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Book Description

February 12, 2008
And every week, there was the unspoken question, the one I didn’t know enough to ask myself : Have you found her yet? The one who reminds you of you?

Twenty years after she lived at a homeless shelter for teens, Janice Erlbaum went back to volunteer. Now thirty-four years old and a successful writer, she’d changed her life for the better; now she wanted to help someone else–someone like the girl she’d once been.

Then she met Sam. A brilliant nineteen-year-old junkie savant, the product of a horrifically abusive home, Sam had been surviving alone on the streets since she was twelve and was now struggling for sobriety against the adverse health effects of long-term drug abuse.

Soon Janice found herself caring deeply for Sam, following her through detoxes and psych wards, halfway houses and hospitals, becoming ever more manically driven to save her from the sickness and sadness leftover from Sam’s terrible past. But just as Janice was on the verge of becoming the girl’s legal guardian, she made a shocking discovery: Sam was sicker than anyone knew, in ways nobody could have imagined.

Written with startling candor and immediacy, Have You Found Her is the story of one woman’s quest to save a girl’s life–and the hard truths she learns about herself along the way.

“A rich and compelling account . . . Ultimately this is a book about the narrator’s journey and the dangers that attend the urge within us all to believe we can save another soul. A terrific read.”
–Cammie McGovern, author of Eye Contact

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

In winter 2004, 34-year-old Erlbaum (Girlbomb) volunteered at the shelter where she herself had lived as a teenager. Dubbed The Bead Lady by the residents, she hefted a large, rattling bag of beadworking supplies to the cafeteria once a week, hoping to reach out to a younger version of herself over jewelry-making sessions—to believe in them and listen to them, as her volunteer-orientation videotape had instructed. When she met Samantha, a charismatic 19-year-old addict with an unyielding resilience in spite of a horrific childhood, Erlbaum knew she'd found a favorite. Though Sam had been on the streets since age 12, she was well read and quite gifted as a writer—a prodigy, it seemed. The two quickly developed a friendship, which deepened over the next several months as Erlbaum comforted Sam through health problems, abuse flashbacks and rehab, promising her a trip to Disney World if she stayed sober. Erlbaum was determined to save Sam and even offered to become her legal guardian. Erlbaum realized that, at times, details in Sam's backstory didn't add up (she was a skilled classical pianist), but these incongruities raised only the occasional, short-lived suspicion. Finally, Erlbaum realized Sam had been lying to her all along (she actually came from a sold middle-class suburb and hadn't had the childhood she described), snookering her out of her time, attention and affection for a year. Erlbaum's narrative begins promisingly, her savior fantasies and insecurities rendered with honesty and self-effacing good humor. However, her conclusions fall flat, missing opportunities to ponder larger issues at work in the story and opting instead for a mere cautionary tale. (Mar.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Review

"A rich and compelling account...Ultimately this is a book about the narrator's journey and the dangers that attend the urge within us all to believe we can save another soul. A terrific read."--Cammie McGovern, author of Eye Contact --This text refers to the Kindle Edition edition.

Product Details

  • Paperback: 348 pages
  • Publisher: Villard (February 12, 2008)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0812974573
  • ISBN-13: 978-0812974577
  • Product Dimensions: 5.2 x 0.8 x 8 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 8.5 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (24 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #512,643 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

I wrote a book. It's called GIRLBOMB: A Halfway Homeless Memoir. I hope you'll like it. But then, I also hope for world peace, and that hasn't happened yet.

 

Customer Reviews

24 Reviews
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Average Customer Review
4.5 out of 5 stars (24 customer reviews)
 
 
 
 
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7 of 8 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars A lesson in savior behavior, March 4, 2008
This review is from: Have You Found Her: A Memoir (Paperback)
Erlbaum's book strikes a chord for anyone who has dealt with a loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder. And for anyone co-dependent with a BPD sufferer. I have could have been Janice in this story, believing everything my BPD loved one told me about her unfortunate life, "protecting" (enabling) her, letting her manipulate me with her neediness and my desire to "save" her from the ugliness of her life. I know Erlbaum's book rings true because I lived it for 40 years before I finally figured out I was being played by a skillful liar and manipulater. Even though I knew where the story was going, I still hoped it would end differently, with a positive resolution in which everyone lives happily ever after. Guess I'm still pretty suseptible to the BPD way of life, huh?

If you have a loved one with BPD or you find yourself being someone's savior, read this book and know you are not alone. There are lots of us out there. We should start a club or something.
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4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars Most interesting memoir, February 15, 2008
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This review is from: Have You Found Her: A Memoir (Paperback)
This is Janice Erlbaum's second memoir. Her first book told the story of her own teen years - years in which she was a runaway and a shelter resident who successfully transitioned out of that life. In Have You Found Her, Erlbaum writes about her experiences twenty years later as a volunteer at that same shelter. Because she was a writer at the time, she carefully documented in a journal what she did, what people said, and her feelings as she kept a weekly commitment as the "Bead Lady" who helped the girls make jewelry on Wednesday evenings.

As a volunteer, Erlbaum went through training which emphasized not having favorites among the residents, not giving gifts and certainly not giving out telephone numbers or personal information. She became obsessed with being at the shelter, looking for "the one that reminds you of you." While there she meets a homeless junkie, Samantha (Sam). Sam becomes Erlbaum's special friend at the shelter and Erlbaum is moved to try to help this girl get on her feet. Sam develops several illnesses and is hospitalized, sent to drug rehab, re-hospitalized and becomes more of a burden than Erlbaum had bargained for. Yet she cares very much for Sam until a peculiarity in Sam's diagnosis begins to affect her feelings.

Janice Erlbaum relates this piece of her life with the flair of an excellent novelist. I found myself forgetting that this wasn't a story that would have a reasonable resolution. When Erlbaum begins to investigate Sam's illnesses and then search for her birth family, the book read like a mystery thriller- and I could hardly put it down.

I enjoyed the book very much and am quite impressed with Erlbaum's ability to tell her own tale with such aplomb.

Armchair Interviews says: Good book group discussion questions are at the back of the book.
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6 of 7 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing Story!, March 13, 2008
By 
This review is from: Have You Found Her: A Memoir (Paperback)
In "Have You Found Her," Janice Erlbaum returns as a volunteer to the shelter that housed her as a teenager (written about in "Girlbomb: A Halfway Homeless Memoir"), where she meets intelligent, drug-addicted Samantha. The two begin a mentoring relationship that takes a dramatic turn when Sam reveals that she's HIV-positive. Erlbaum brings all the anger, confusion, and heartbreak of this relationship to the page, making this a compelling, fast-paced, and gut-wrenching memoir. Not only did I not want to put it down, but I want all my friends to read it so we can talk about it.
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Inside This Book (learn more)
Key Phrases - Statistically Improbable Phrases (SIPs): (learn more)
bead table, psych ward
Key Phrases - Capitalized Phrases (CAPs): (learn more)
Janice Erlbaum, Disney World, Bead Lady, Coney Island, Union Square, Samantha Dunleavy, New York, Older Females Unit, Latin Queens, Bronx River, Law Order, Christmas Eve, Michael Jackson, Thanks Janice, Ruby Dunleavy, Jewish Christmas, Oklahoma City
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Front Cover | Table of Contents | First Pages | Surprise Me!
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