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Heal & Forgive: Forgiveness in the Face of Abuse

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Nancy Richards has written a poignant memoir that should be
read by a wide audience. It opens with her early life as a
well-adjusted child in a happy, healthy family; but soon it
veers to the death of her father, the remarriage of her
mother, and the onset of physical and emotional abuse from
her stepfather and, through enabling and collaboration, her
own mother.

Ms. Richards' journey through adolescence, young adulthood,
to mature adulthood is vividly recounted. Any reader whose
journey has been analogous to Richards' will readily
identify with her attempts to give voice to--and then cope
with the consequences of--her childhood abuse.

I found myself underlining or bracketing large portions of
the second half of the book. Richards not only was betrayed
by her mother and stepfather but also was scapegoated by
her own brothers and other relatives as being the "sick"
one, the "troublemaker," the girl who never liked to be
hugged and who always gave her mother a hard time. Even
community members outside of her immediate family who saw
the bruises and the blood refused to help or to even
acknowledge that something was wrong.

For a victim of childhood abuse (and I am one myself), few
things are more damning or confusing than the utter refusal
of family or friends to speak up on one's behalf. It's a
double-whammy: one quickly learns to "cover" for the
abusers and to blame oneself for the evils. How could
parents, the ultimate protectors and nurturers, possibly
hurt their own flesh and blood?

America as a whole is in utter denial over the not uncommon
abuse of children and adolescents by parents and relatives.
Europe much more readily accepts the "divorcing" of one's
own parents; but here, with a blind allegiance to the Old
Testament's "Honor one's mother and father" and a nearly
complete neglect of the true meaning behind "Loving one's
neighbor (or child) as oneself," we perpetuate the
treating of children as property and the goings-on within
any "nuclear family" as inviolable, untouchable--none of
our own business.

Because of this, Richards' account is a much-needed one.
Her own steps toward health and wholeness are realistic and
clear-sighted. Although she advocates forgiveness, she
states that true forgiveness can come only with
acknowledgement, reparation, and change on the part of the
abuser(s). Self-preservation takes precedence over blind
and blanket allegiance/forgiveness. One cannot love others
as oneself if one loves oneself so little that that Self is
permitted to be the object of continued (and
unacknolwedged) abuse.

I am grateful that Nancy Richards has had the courage to
publish this intelligent, sensitive exploration of her own
experiences that so mirror the experiences of many others.

My story was written on every page of Nancy Richards' book "Heal and Forgive." This page-turner is inspiring, validating and wise. Her heartbreaking life story shows that forgiveness is not a single act but a life work that has many layers and many seasons.
In sharing her recovery Richards offers a healing blueprint for physical and emotional abuse, a mother's lifelong rejection, and being viewed as an enemy by siblings. She shows how to move from her personal betrayal to the larger collective betrayal we all face.
She illustrates how forced forgiveness and forgiveness in order to heal is shallow and does not last. We need to heal first in order to forgive. Forgiveness without healing is from a position of weakness. She says forgiveness is not a choice but a process that results from healing. Only when we work towards healing does forgiveness become a realistic goal.
Richards chose to stop seeing her mother and take care of herself when her mother continued to heap contempt on her and be oblivious to her feelings. She said the act of not forgiving her mother liberated her from her abuse and set her free to forgive. She stated, "I never would have been able to forgive my mother if I still had a relationship with her."
Her story shows how healing comes with self-preservation and self-compassion when we feel safe to acknowledge and talk about our injuries and begin to deal with the trauma. Richards said, "Each time I thought I had finished mourning, another wave of heart breaking losses emerged. However as I peeled away each layer of pain, I grew stronger."

Heal and Forgive is the best book I've read in a very long time. As the director of Luke 17:3 Ministries for adult children of abusive, controlling or abandoning birth-families, I would be hard-pressed to come up with a more helpful book to recommend. It is unique in its perspective in that it teaches the reader that sometimes it is okay, and even necessary, NOT to forgive. It is a page turner right from the beginning, gripping you with Nancy Richards' riveting and disturbing story of her sadistic stepfather's violence and relentless abuse of herself and her brothers, and her mother's complicity in the abuse and complete refusal to protect her children in the slightest way.

Even more distressing is the author's account of her attempts to protect herself and her brothers, and to stand up and speak the truth about the abuse, which resulted in her treacherous mother convincing anyone who would listen that she was a liar and troublemaker with mental problems. There is a twisted episode in which her stepfather was finally going to move out, but her mother told the then 12-year old author to ask him to stay. He did stay, and years later the mother blamed her daughter for controlling her marriage (at age 12!) and making her husband stay when she could have been rid of him sooner.

Long after the evil stepfather was gone and the author was grown, her mother continued to expose the author's younger brothers to repeated abuse from a string of other losers she became involved with. Nancy Richards tells, in heart-wrenching detail, of her attempts to protect her younger siblings, to get anyone to listen to her or believe her, and to somehow maintain a relationship with the mother she still loved and the rest of her family.

But, in a scenario disturbingly familiar to many abuse survivors, her mother managed to convince most of the family that Richards was the problem, and to turn almost her entire family against her, including the brothers she had tried so hard and sacrificed so much to protect. The denial, betrayals, and blatant lies as the family protected the abusers and scape-goated the author will ring true with so many of us.

And then the author was left to embark on the path to forgiveness, with absolutely no remorse or repentance from those she was pressured to forgive, and not even any validation of her traumatic experiences. At each stage of the process, she faced renewed pain with every new revelation, such as the realizations that her mother was the one who betrayed her the most, and that her mother really never loved her.

Throughout her long and difficult journey to forgiveness and recovery, the author has many valuable insights which she lovingly shares with us. The most important insight, which is the main premise of the book, is that healing needs to come FIRST, BEFORE forgiveness. We usually feel pressured to forgive prematurely, by family and friends, therapists, and society in general. But forced forgiveness is not always possible, and is certainly not healthy.

The author teaches us that forgiveness is a process that begins with healing, and needs to include other elements as well, such as validation, anger, grief, and protection. In the process of her recovery, Nancy Richards read other author's works, which helped her to understand these truths about forgiveness, and she quotes from them in her book. When reading Heal & Forgive, one gets the sense that the author is not just writing about her own experiences, but is doing all she can to present a well-rounded and informed picture that will help other abuse victims as much as possible. She opens her heart to us, and shares her innermost thoughts and every feeling she has that might validate our own feelings and help us on our road to recovery.

The book is an easy read, and I was able to finish it in a few sittings. It was a hard book to put down, and I hated to walk away from it in the middle of the story without finding out what was going to happen next. It was a lot of food for thought. Nancy Richards does all abuse victims a favor when she teaches us that sometimes no matter what we are willing to do and how hard we are willing to try, it is just not possible to have a relationship with some people. We understand how important it is to stand up and tell the truth- to others and to ourselves.

When we realize that someone we love doesn't love us, the truth can be so hard to bear, but it is still the truth, and denying it doesn't change anything. We learn that sometimes we need to make the choice to walk away from a toxic relationship. We feel validated in learning that it is alright NOT TO FORGIVE evil people, and that releasing ourselves from the pressure to forgive gives us the freedom to heal. Only after we have healed will we be able to come to a place of genuine forgiveness.

After reading Heal & Forgive, I admire Nancy Richards for her courage and determination to heal and lead a life of peace and happiness despite her birth-family's rejection, and I am appreciative of her sincere efforts to encourage the rest of us and validate our experiences by sharing her story. Her triumph over the devastation and heartache inflicted by those she loved is an inspiration to anyone who thinks they can never get over the pain and be happy again. I urge all those who have felt the knife of a loved one's betrayal in their back, or who feel pressured to forgive before they are ready, to read this book. It is a must-read for any survivor of birth-family abuse.

"I left Mom's house stripped, whipped, naked, and destroyed." Heal & Forgive is the author's potent account of the raw abusive underbelly of human nature and the triumph over it.

Thinking about child abuse puts most people in an uncomfortable zone yet many people are abusive without realizing it. Telltale signs of abuse are being uncovered daily. Healing from abuse is walking a complicated grief path of multiples losses. Working through the trauma takes on a power. The power of healing is the ability to reshape your life.

The author courageously rips through the barriers of denial, leaving the crude truth exposed. Richards's gutsy mission of cleaning out the wounds of abuse and setting new boundaries is humbling. As the author searches through the rearview mirror of her life, she learns that healing first is the foundation for true forgiveness.

The perfect punctuation mark to her lessons is the purging of the patterns of abuse. By shedding her layers of pain, anger and confusion, she transforms her life and the life of those she touches.

This is an excellent book for abuse survivors and for those dealing with or helping abuse survivors.

Sherry Russell
Grief Management Specialist

Nancy Richards offers a fresh face to the concept of forgiveness in her book Heal and Forgive: Forgiveness in the Face of Abuse. It deserves a closer look from anyone struggling with recovery from childhood abuse.

A woman who runs a ministry for adult daughters of controlling and abusive families recommended I take a look at Richards' work when I shared with her my own journey. I ordered it last week and found it so absorbing I finished it in just over two hours.

Ms. Richards walks us through her own brutal childhood, one that we discover began at birth, and became exacerbated after her father died and her mother remarried to a man who was extremely cruel and sadistic. We learn about the literal joy he took out of beating Nancy and her brothers, how he ripped everyone apart with his words and would look for anything he could find to perpetrate the terror he inflicted. Worse yet is the ways we learn this man is able to influence Nancy and her siblings to turn on each other, and how she becomes the household scapegoat.

Eventually Nancy leaves home to marry and start a family of her own. We learn her family of origin does not improve, take responsibility or offer amends for their past behavior. Instead, her mother proceeds to divorce and remarry several abusive men in succession, and continues to promote blaming Nancy for all the "family's" problems, to the extent that she convinces everyone Nancy is crazy and to side against her.

Ms. Richards attempts this whole time to forgive her abusers. After all, aren't we all taught to leave the past behind, forgive other's wrongs, and be family no matter what? Don't they tell us that unless we do these things, we won't heal?

But in the course of her efforts she finds the opposite - she is unable to heal. To the contrary, the harder she tries, the more pain she feels, the greater her resentments, and the more abuse her family of origin is able to heap on her.

In Nancy's quest to figure out why this isn't working, she comes across an understanding therapist and several books from psychological and spiritual perspectives that turn our culture's traditional concept of forgiveness upside down. She learns that perhaps the solution for her is to NOT forgive in the way she has been led to believe, that the whole idea of making peace while overlooking the evil of abusive behaviors is in fact self-defeating and self-destructive. Nancy realized that she must think first of her own needs, to protect herself and her own family.

The end result is that Ms. Richards ends up "divorcing" her mother, which also causes an unfortunate loss of relationships with other family members, including her brothers. As of the publication she had not spoken to any of them in twelve years.

She also decides to stop working on forgiving them, and start focusing on her recovery and her daughters. It is these actions in themselves that allow healing to flow into her life, and eventually, she is able to find TRUE forgiveness.

I found this book to be very powerful in both the story it had to tell, and in the message it had to give. I have followed a very close path in my own life; the parallels between her family's behavior and mine were eerie. I too have had to "divorce" my family of origin and in the process lost relationships with other relatives, and even some family friends. So to read such a similar story as mine was incredibly validating.

On a spiritual level I also found Nancy's story and her sharing of some resources regarding forgiveness to be a relief. Like myself, Ms. Richards is a Christian, and she includes pieces of wisdom from others within that vein who support a different concept of forgiveness and do so from a Christian perspective. As someone who felt torn over whether my choices broke the commandment to honor my mother and father, this book served as a valuable resource to help me reconcile this area of my life.

I cannot recommend this book enough for anyone who is struggling with a family of origin that is broken due to unamended abuse. I also believe anyone who is a friend or loved one of someone recovering from childhood abuse will find this book beneficial for understanding the survivor's struggle to find healing and, yes, forgiveness.

Ms. Richards describes how physical and emotional child abuse can turn the non-abusing against the child and the children against one another. One of the ways that abusers maintain control is to divide and conquer the rest of the family. Everyone is afraid to become the abuser's next target. A scapegoat is picked and everyone uses the scapegoat to escape personal pain. Ms. Richards was that scapegoat in her family.

The abuse was particularly hard to bear because Ms. Richards biological father was a kind man who headed a loving family. After her father's untimely death, Ms. Richards found herself at the receiving end of abuse from a string of step fathers.

Even after she was grown and had escaped the den of horrors, Ms. Richards found it hard to escape the consequences of the abuse as she attempted to help her siblings.

During her recover, Ms. Richards found that much of the advice about forgiving abusers just didn't work for her. There was no relief and no reconciliation. Eventually, she "divorced" her family and put her energies into being a good Mom to her own children. When she had gained enough healing from this separation and building a healthy family life, Ms. Richards was finally able to forgive her abusers . . . and to gain relief from that forgiveness.

The lesson of this story is that those who are recovering from such horrible treatment need to listen to their hearts as they seek a happy, balanced life. Advice from others will only lead you so far on the path to recovery. Check that advice for whether it seems right before you try it. Also, don't expect that any abusing leopards are going to change their spots.

If you weren't abused, why should you read this book? I see several reasons. First is to witness and honor Ms. Richards' experiences. That's part of helping her become healthier. Second, this will help you be more vigilant in watching out for abuse among children you come into contact with. Children need caring adults to intervene on their behalf. Third, this book will help you be grateful for your blessings. You may think you've had a hard life, but maybe it wasn't so hard after all.

In "Heal & Forgive: Forgiveness in the Face of Abuse," author Nancy Richards seamlessly blends a compelling narrative of her own struggle to forgive, with insightful advice on how the reader can work toward forgiveness in his or her own life.

I found Richards' perspective to be refreshing and surprising. Contrary to what many other guides on forgiveness seem to advocate, Richards says that it was by "not forgiving" that she found healing in regard to her situation with her family. What Richards means is that we should not push ourselves into forgivess, because that can often be a type of false forgiveness that can actually lead to more complications down the road. The individual must first acknowledge what has happened and admit to how he or she feels. The individual should not feel any pressure to forgive.

I found this to be a refreshing perspective because after years in the self-help and recovery movement, I have been exposed to a lot of "shaming" in regard to forgiveness. In other words, it seems that there is the tendency for some people to suggest that those who are angry, those who have not yet forgiven, are un-enlightened, bad people, who need to just cheer up and get over it already. As Richards points out, before one can "get over it" and move on, one has to admit to what has happened, one has to allow oneself to be angry and to "not forgive." After all of this, true forgiveness can come.

(...)

Heal & Forgive -- I devoured this book in one evening. And I commented on it in a family rift blog site on the web. I didn't have the same abuse as the author did, but most of my abuse came from my own older sister over many years - emotional (putting me down at every turn) and physical (as in hitting - using hangers, elastic belts, etc.). I don't believe my Mom was witness to any of the physical abuse but I do know that she heard much of what sister would say to me -- and did nothing. My dad worked shift work so he was not around and Mom didn't believe anything I would tell her about sister saying / doing to me.... I learned to never saying anything - became moody about the situation and was accused of having a "chip on my shoulder" - all through my childhood. No one wanted to see my older sister in any sort of a bad light (she was favored by my Dad's Mother & Sister - I was not) - so I needed to be quiet about it and I was. Growing up in a dysfunctional family is not something you recognize until you are older and gain insight. I didn't find out how dysfunctional my family was until I went through counseling myself at 48 yrs. old.

After being on the blog site and reading this book - the big *aha* moment for me (and for the author as related in the book) was when she told her therapist that she just wanted to have *her story heard* - that was the biggest thing she needed in her life.... her two brothers didn't want to hear about it and neither did her 1/2 brother (even though they too had experienced abuse also) and eventually to keep their world quiet about it they shut her out of their lives. She also realized that she, being a female, was not in favor from the get go with her own Mother. Her Mother favored her sons over her only daughter. She was blamed constantly for the abuse because she stood up to the abuser.....

Her story resonated with me.

After much research and reading - she discovered that forgiving first does not help you heal as many therapist believed years ago, but that a person needs to heal (be heard, have therapy, mature, read everything on the subject -- and I recommend Louise L. Hay's books to help you with that healing too) from the past somewhat before they can move on to the forgiveness part.

Her book was wonderful find for me and highly recommended via the people who participate in the blog I am a member of -- and the author is a member of the blog also.

For anyone who has childhood anger, emotional issues, abuse from childhood (whatever the form), problems that are connected in some way via their childhood, this book is a must to read. We all need to heal, we all want to be happy, we all need to be loved. This book can be a step in the right direction to help you on the road to healing too. Get the book and get on the road to healing.

It was about three years ago I came across the title of this book on a recommended book list on an online PTSD support group. The title caught my eye immediately and I really liked what it said, something I had never heard anyone say when it came to forgiveness.

Before I go on, I want to point out that this book is not just for people who have been physically abused, it is for anyone who has ever been abused or hurt for any reason. Emotional abuse of any kind.

All I had ever heard people say and struggled with on this subject of healing was, as Crochet Lover put so well in their review below:

"aren't we all taught to leave the past behind, forgive other's wrongs, and be family no matter what? Don't they tell us that unless we do these things, we won't heal?"

To me that is as ridiculous as having third degree burns on your skin and saying it doesn't hurt to make everyone else feel better or to make yourself look good or saying it because everyone else says it will stop the burns from hurting. That is magical thinking and it is not real or true and it would be like living a lie. Those burns aren't going to heal just because we say they don't hurt. It takes time, help and a lot of self care which is part of the process of healing. It isn't until those burns heal that the skin doesn't hurt anymore and one can say it doesn't hurt anymore and mean it and it is true. Scars may still remain and be a reminder of what you went through, but they don't hurt so much anymore and you are stronger for having come through the process and surviving it.

YES, that is what we are taught from the time we are young, from our Parents, The Church, and shows like Oprah and Dr. Phil. We are constantly told "you need to forgive to heal, that we need to do it to help us heal and if we don't we will be sick and do more harm to ourselves so we really have to do it for our sake, not the abusers sake. It has never made any sense to me that you just say "I forgive you" and suddenly everything is all better. I have never done or felt that, bought into it, or believed it. Saying it doesn't make it so.

I have to wonder how many people that say they have forgiven someone right off the bat, really feels and believes that or if they say it so others will think better of them. That is something I could never do, it would be a lie for me and that was real to me and something I couldn't and wouldn't do.

I just could never find anyone who could validate my feelings and not try to guilt me and tell me I was a bad person if I didn't forgive. That is until Nancy Richards came along.

I had to be sure though, that I wasn't going to buy another book on forgiveness that told me I just needed to forgive and I would feel better or try to lay a guilt trip on me, as has been done by the others above. So I wrote to Nancy and asked her and her email back to me was the first time anyone ever validated what I have experienced and known and believed my whole life. The religious aspect was of up most importance, I could not take one more person trying to guilt me into forgivness or else be a bad person and disappoint God. In her reply, I quickly learned that she had gone through all that as well and that she had done all the research on it and it is all in the book and that forgiveness, like just about everything else, is a Process! It doesn't just happen because we say the words and I knew that and I knew this was a book I had to read.

I couldn't put the book down until I finished it and the next day I took it to my therapist and told her Nancy had done it, not only did she put into words what I felt but could not put into words about the saying "I forgive" as the way to feel better and heal, she actually figured out, from living it out in her own experience and doing what was truly right for her and being real and true to herself. In the end it was in that process of doing what she had to do to protect herself and save herself and staying true to herself and her true feelings, that was what eventually lead her to true forgiveness for her. It was then that it became clear that forgiveness, if and when it comes, is the result of a natural progression which is the process of healing, often long process, where forgiveness comes as a result of living through the pain and the ups and downs and all the struggles.

And may I add, that process can/does include ANGER, yes Anger. Another thing that is looked down upon and makes us look like "bad and unchristian like. We are told it is very bad for us. While anger can and does affect our physical health and is not good long term, it was part of the proces, to process the anger which is really any combination of hurt, fear and frustration, true and valid human emotion than can result from abuse or injustice. To deny those feelings would be a lie and make us even sicker.

The other thing that can be part of the process, as it was for Nancy and me, was ESTRANGEMENT which is also viewed by others as a negative and bad thing on our part. In actuality it may be necesessary and good to do as part of the process of healing. I will also say that there is something very significant about that which I only came to realize, know and live by going through it on my road to healing. That is that when the forgiveness came and the estrangement was over, everything was different is a good way. Even though the people I was estranged from didn't change, I did and so I was in a place where they no longer had any power over me or ability to hurt me anymore. That is huge.

When I finished the book I felt validated and I got it, I got it was a process which meant that I didn't finish the book and say OK now I can forgive. Rather I continued on my own journey of healing and all the pain that entailed, knowing that going through this process was the way to get to forgiveness if it were going to happen and I did't worry about forgiveness anymore or about what anyone else thought about me or what anyone else told me. Forgivness wasn't the answer, healing was and only through healing does true forgiveness comes. I was already living in the healing process when I read this book but didn't realize it at the time and it still took another 2 years after I finished Nancy's book, but it happened and it is not something I can put into words or explain, I just lived it and felt it.

I am so incredibly grateful that Nancy was able to put it into words and I think this book should be on the shelf of every therapist and minister and person suffering and while I am at it, I think she should send a copy to Oprah and Dr. Phil so maybe they will stop promoting forgiveness to heal and stop laying unnecessary guilt on people who are suffering because of an injustice that they had no control over. I do not believe anyone should ever try to guilt someone or try to convince someone into believing that forgivness is the road to healing, just the opposite.

I ended up here today because I just purchased another copy of this book for a friend through Amazon. The first copy I got at the book store so I never saw it on Amazon. I have shared it and what it teaches with many people and especially in support groups where I continue to hear people tell those who express their own struggles with forgiveness, that they must forgive to heal. I just can't stand to hear that or worse think that person might actually struggle and suffer more because they believed it and because they coudln't do it, think they were a bad person.

I thanked Nancy when I finished the book and I thank her even more now, now that I have lived the process and come out of the other side.

Thank You Nancy for being so open and honest about the journey you have been on for so many years. This book opens a world of hope and healing to the many who will read it. This book is a must read if you have or are struggling with friends, family and others in the area of unforgiveness. Thank you Nancy for your hard work in light of all the trauma that you went through to get this book to print. It will be a great help to all those who read it.

George