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Healing Conversations: What to Say When You Don't Know What to Say

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What a wonderful book! Nance Guilmartin's Healing Conversations gives us the opportunity to find the appropriate and caring thing to say, when we are at a loss for words. It also teaches us that listening is the most important thing in a healing conversation. We humans often work so hard to find the right thing to say while someone is telling their story that if we had simply listened, the message we could have delivered to them, might have been very apparent. I have personally had people risk sharing their stories with me when I was sick with cancer. I knew what I wanted to hear and when I did not want to hear anything at all. Just a listening ear and an open heart. Ms. Guilmartin' book is perceptive in its wisdom and reminds us that we are part of a large family called humankind. Her words teach us to be both human and kind. I plan to buy it for all of my doctors and nurses. I keep it on my nightstand - there are times when I may not need to have a healing conversation with someone other than myself - I find solace and comfort in her words.

A wonderful and healing book in itself, Nance Guilmartin's Healing Conversations gently guides the reader to the appropriate and caring thing to say when you don't know what to say. One of the most important things that it teaches is knowing when to keep your mouth shut and just listen. Sometimes just listening is the most critical part of a healing conversation. Sometimes we struggle so hard to find the right thing to say that we don't listen to what they are saying. Often if we had just listened to what they were saying we would have known the appropriate thing to say.

Excellent advice that anyone can use, it is divided into sections entitled "When you need a friend", "Health matters", "Healing conversations at work", "Transitions" and "Lost loves". While these are fairly broad categories, they are subdivided into detailed sections that cover just about every situation you might come across. From putting a pet to sleep to helping children understand illness to being fired or retiring the book is complete and reveals a dept of understanding and empathy not easily found in such books. A highly recommended read.

Nance Guilmartin has a gentleness that has guided me to be there for others as they face their greatest challenges. This book is NOT a "how to" manual. Instead, Ms. Guilmartin leads the reader through anecdotal experiences. Rather than providing direct advice, she leaves room for the reader to draw their own conclusions. Personally, I find this to be more helpful and natural--infering from her words my own way of being with others during their painful experiences.

As a therapist I've learned through long experience that often the most difficult but helpful thing I can offer others is the gift of listening with full attention. That's very difficult for us because our own emotions run away with us when we're with someone in pain. We get scared or angry and we want to make the problem go away--by offering advice or by changing the subject. Nance Guilmartin has put together a very useful guide for how to deal with our own fears and take "healing conversations" to a deeper level where we can actually help those in pain--by being there with them and, with their permission, doing what we can do to help. I especially like her very practical and down-to-earth advice: "Show up even if it's awkward." "Be there over the long haul." I highly recommend this book; everyone will need it more often than they realize, because the opportunities for healing conversations are there every day.

This book serves a dual purpose: you will read and enjoy the wisdom today-- perhaps you will give it to friend in need. Then you will want to have it on your bookshelf in the refence section (yes, with the Medical Encyclopedia and Home Maintenance Manual) and know that it will be there to help you help others, when life's challenges call for your sensitive and appropriate response.

As a recent graduate from Tufts University ('02), I took a Communication class that Nance Guilmartin (Tufts '75) taught. By far, I learned more from Nance's class than in any other class. Everything she taught us could be used in everyday conversation. How to really listen and hear what someone is saying to us - and that there is a difference between what someone says and what we hear and how to recognize the difference. There were students in the class who thought they were good listeners but realized throughout the course that we really weren't.

Nance's book should be bought by the trunk-full and given out as gifts. I bought copies and gave them to friends. This book isn't just for executives or those in the healthcare profession - it's for anyone who wants to having "healing conversations". From college students to parents to teachers to neighbors.

Nance's book is one that I keep with me all the time. It seems that every time I come across a tough patch of communication with someone about a difficult situation or subject, there is always assistance in this book. It opens up a huge new world of communication and support for those people we want to help, or when we need help. If everyone had this book, we would no longer be afraid to commmunicate, both in speaking and listening.

I met Nance and read her book just as my wife was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Talk about serendipity. All through preparing for surgery and experiencing the utter helplessness of being a witness to a loved one at risk, Nance helped me to see that my job was the easy one. All I had to do was let my wife feel my love for her and to feel safety for our children. That was all. Love and safety. Six months later my wife is well, but the message is the same. Thanks Nance.

At this time when thousands of people are responding to Hurricane
Katrina, "HEALING CONVERSATIONS" offers us invaluable suggestions and guidelines for how to
ask for, offer and, yes, especially, accept help during difficult, sometimes mind-numbing, circumstances. These
stories enable any one--whether you are a volunteer, teacher, doctor,
student, government leader, lay counselor, or even just a friend, family member or confidant--to be more at ease when
dealing with the unimaginably difficult situations BOTH survivors and
responders are encountering during this massive recovery effort. If there ever was a time when this book can speak volumes to all of us, this is it.

David W. Oberdorfer, M.D., F.A.C.S., M.F.A.
Emergency Room Physician & Immediate Past President, "Society for Humanism in Medicine"

This book is a must read for anyone whose work centers around pastoral care and pastoral concerns. Often the most asked question is "what do I say when...." and this book gives you the answers through the telling of a story in such a way that one remembers what to say when. Not matter what faith community you are a part, this book belongs in your library and in your own home whether you do pastoral work or not. I cannot recommend this book highly enough.