A Healing Divorce : Transforming the End of Your Relationship with Ritual and Ceremony [Paperback]

Barbara Penningroth (Author), Phil Penningroth (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: January 1, 2001

A Healing Divorce is unique. There is no other book devoted solely to rituals for divorce and ceremonies of parting. Written by a formerly married couple who have remained friends, this compassionate and practical book demonstrates how ritual can transform and heal the end of a relationship. If you divorce, your marriage will end in a ritual -- a court hearing; cold, impersonal, adversarial. You may also find yourself in thrall to the Myth of the Bad Divorce. This myth insists that all couples breaking up must recite the same harsh ABC's: accusation, bitterness, conflict, anger, blaming, and contempt. It doesn't have to be that way. Based on the authors' personal experience, as well as interviews and extensive research, A Healing Divorce offers a way to diminish anger, alter destructive patterns, and end a relationship with truth, love, care and forgiveness. It features inspirational stories of individuals who have created and performed parting ceremonies, either alone or with a partner. It offers model rituals drawn from a variety of spiritual and religious traditions. It includes a discussion about religious issues concerning divorce, and divorce and ritual, in both the Christian and Jewish traditions. There's a special chapter about the healing benefits of a parting ceremony for children. Several chapters, including a step-by-step guide, are devoted to the how-to of creating and performing a divorce ritual. The appendix includes both recommended reading and a list of contributors to the book, lay and clergy, prepared to offer the reader advice and counsel about parting ceremonies. A Healing Divorce shows how ritual and ceremony can transform the tension and pain that arise during this difficult time into the emotional energy needed to gain new awareness, initiate the delicate process of growth and effect a positive life transition. It's for everyone -- individuals, couples, families, clergy, lawyers and counselors -- who believe that the more conscious a parting,

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Phil and Barbara Penningroth have lived what they write about in A Healing Divorce. Together, they created and performed a parting ceremony to end their 25 year marriage. Since then, they have remained good friends and co-written this book. It is based on their own experience and informed by their many years as mental health professionals, as well as by the inspiring stories of others who have used the transforming power of ritual and ceremony to bring healing to the end of their relationships.Barbara is a Registered Nurse and a Marriage and Family Therapist. She currently lives in Carmel, California.

Phil and Barbara Penningroth have lived what they write about in A Healing Divorce. Together, they created and performed a parting ceremony to end their 25 year marriage. Since then, they have remained good friends and co-written this book. It is based on their own experience and informed by their many years as mental health professionals, as well as by the inspiring stories of others who have used the transforming power of ritual and ceremony to bring healing to the end of their relationships.Phil is a freelance writer with articles, stories, plays and screenplays to his credit. He currently lives in Boulder, Colorado.

Product Details

• Paperback: 404 pages
• Publisher: AuthorHouse; First Edition edition (January 1, 2001)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1587217937
• ISBN-13: 978-1587217937
• Product Dimensions: 9 x 6.1 x 1.1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.4 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 5.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (5 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,253,939 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Be Smart Enough To Read This Book, February 22, 2001

By 

lee borden (Alabama) - See all my reviews

This review is from: A Healing Divorce : Transforming the End of Your Relationship with Ritual and Ceremony (Paperback)

When I heard of a book dealing with rituals and ceremonies around divorce, I envisioned a feel-good, "we're all okay" kind of sedative. That's not what I found. Instead, Phil and Barbara Penningroth have assembled a comprehensive collection off rituals, services and other tools that real people can use to cope with the real pain of divorce.

Not only do they present several models of divorce services; they also have included comprehensive checklists to help people plan their own rituals and ceremonies and bring them alive in a personal way. Sprinkled throughout are the stories of people who have sued used rituals as part of their healing after divorce, some after tender, cooperative divorces, and some after bitter, rancorous divorces. Each of the stories, however, seems real. Each in its way is instructive.

I was delighted to see that, although the authors obviously have a sharply defined faith, they have lovingly gathered services, traditions, and perspectives from a wide variety of faith traditions. A great example of this is the chapter that explores the question "Is divorce a sin?" with contributions from Christian and Jewish clergy.

What makes this book so powerful is its consistent practicality. This is not a contemplative, introspective tour through someone else's emotional healing. It's a logical, methodical "How-to." As one example, consider the section for people who have a divorcee service on what to consider doing on the one-year anniversary of that service (return to the place, set aside time for quiet meditation, recall favorite moments, celebrate progress, etc.)

Many people will be smart enough to read this book. A few will be so smart they will actually follow the advice in it. They, their children, and all who care about them will be the stronger for it.

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars An Alternative to Bitterness, February 19, 2001

By 

M. Sue Talia (California) - See all my reviews

This review is from: A Healing Divorce : Transforming the End of Your Relationship with Ritual and Ceremony (Paperback)

When Barbara and Phil Penningroth decided to divorce, they created a ritual to honor the ending of the relationship as it had been honored at the beginning. That in itself is an innovation. They went further, however, and created a book which can provide countless others with the tools to do the same.

There are lots of books out there which purport to help people heal from divorce. Many of them go no further than to explain, "this is how we did it, and if we could so could you." That is good as far as it goes, but it doesn't go far enough. What about the couples where one is still consumed with hostility and the other wants to end it with dignity? How do you create a healing ritual if your former partner refuses to participate? What about the different societal and religious traditions? And, on an even more basic level, what is ritual itself so powerful? What gives it such ability to heal? They clearly explain the power of symbol, and why the ritual needs to be witnessed by someone else (i.e., public) as the original vows were, and why the act of creating your own ritual is an essential component of the receiving the benefits of its healing power.

All these questions are explored with sensitivity. The story of their own discovery of the power of ritual and ceremony is interwoven with case histories of others who have created rituals to symbolize the end of their relationships. The case histories are told in the first person, which gives them the ring of truth.

They then give implicit instructions about how to construct your own ritual, with concrete examples and suggestions of ways in which you can personalize the process. I'm a fan of practical solutions which people can tailor to their own situations, and Phil and Barbara do an admirable job of providing lots of ideas and options which can be sued to create your own process. I particularly like the way they weave together their own experience, the case histories of others, the explanation of why ritual and symbolism are so powerful, and suggestions about how to go about creating your own.

Having done all this, and done it well, Phil and Barbara went one step further. They researched the various religious traditions, and provided sample rituals consistent with each.

In my nearly twenty-five years as a divorce lawyer, I've often been struck by the fact that, popular ideology notwithstanding, most people don't want to harbor bitterness indefinitely. They want to end the relationship which is no longer serving their needs in a way that preserves their dignity and heals the inevitable wounds. It is a sad commentary that our society not only provides no assistance to such people but, to the contrary, almost forces them to be adversarial, blaming and hostile. It is not surprising that the method of accomplishing the growth and healing most people seek is not found in our traditional institutions, but outside of them. "A Healing Divorce" goes far toward filling this void. Anyone who sincerely wishes to develop a mechanism to symbolically heal and cleanse the ending of a relationship cannot fail to find useful and practical assistance in this book, regardless of the level of animosity which previously existed. I highly recommend it to anyone who, recognizing the toxicity of carrying bitterness and regret after the end of a relationship, seek to heal them instead.

For those who think there is no alternative to carrying bitterness and venom into their futures, I suggest that reading this book may change their minds and heal their lives.

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars HEAL YOUR HEART AND THEIRS, February 19, 2001

By A Customer

This review is from: A Healing Divorce : Transforming the End of Your Relationship with Ritual and Ceremony (Paperback)

Divorce is certainly one of the most painful periods of anyone's life. Once the shock, anger and sadness are behind us, this book offers a vareity of nurturing and spiritual rituals to "untie" us from our former spouse while honoring all that was good and right about the union. This is an important book for anyone going through a divroce and it is certain to help heal the hearts of both parties.