Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage [Paperback]

Gary Rosberg (Author), Barbara Rosberg (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: May 1, 2004

All marriage relationships face hurts and conflicts on several levels, but not many of us know how to deal with them effectively—so we don't. Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage walks couples through a very manageable step-by-step process of understanding different styles of conflict resolution and then encourages them toward forgiveness and healing.

Product Details

• Paperback: 224 pages
• Publisher: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.; Reprinted edition (May 1, 2004)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1589971043
• ISBN-13: 978-1589971042
• Product Dimensions: 8.2 x 5.5 x 0.6 inches
• Shipping Weight: 9.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (7 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #160,042 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Dr. Gary and Barb Rosberg are championing marriage for the cause of Christ by coaching husbands and wives to achieve a great marriage for a lifetime . . . and for the sake of the next generation. They are cofounders of the national ministry America's Family Coaches. Together, Dr. Gary and Barb host a nationally syndicated daily radio program and have conducted conferences on marriage and family relationships in more than 100 cities across the country. Their flagship conferences "Love & Sex in a Godly Marriage" and "Discover the Love of Your Life All Over Again" have impacted couples, churches, and communities nationwide. The Rosbergs have written over a dozen prominent marriage and family resources, including the recently released "6 Secrets to a Lasting Love," "The 5 Love Needs of Men & Women" (Gold Medallion finalist), the groundbreaking "The 5 Sex Needs of Men & Women," "Divorce-Proof Your Marriage" (Gold Medallion winner), "Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage," "40 Unforgettable Dates with Your Mate," "Guard Your Heart," "Renewing Your Love," "The Great Marriage Q&A Book," FamilyLife's Homebuilders Couples Series®--Improving Communication in Your Marriage, and many others. Selected resources are available in up to 10 languages. Gary has spoken to hundreds of thousands of men at Promise Keepers annually since 1996. In addition, he and Barb have spoken for Focus on the Family, FamilyLife, and American Association of Christian Counselors. Gary, who earned his Ed.D. from Drake University, has been a marriage and family counselor for more than 25 years; Barb earned her B.F.A. from Drake University. The Rosbergs live outside Des Moines, Iowa. Married more than 30 years, Gary and Barb have two married daughters and four grandchildren.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

110 of 110 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars An Important Book for Both Engaged and Married Couples, June 27, 2004

By 

FaithfulReader.com (New York, New York) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage (Paperback)

In HEALING THE HURT IN YOUR MARRIAGE, Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg are on a mission: to divorce-proof America's marriages. "You and your marriage are the devil's intended victims...Satan would like nothing better than to discourage you, debilitate your marriage, and add another crippled or broken family to his ledger," write the Rosbergs. As hosts of the nationally syndicated radio program "America's Family Coaches...Live!" they've heard myriad tales from wounded couples teetering on the brink of divorce, and have helped them put their marriages back together.

The authors believe that after the honeymoon fades and "the Novocain of naïveté wears off" many marriages suffer from unresolved conflict that causes hurt and anger. "If we do not learn to close the loop on our conflicts, our marriages will be at risk for sliding toward disconnection, discord, and possibly emotional divorce," write the Rosbergs.

The book is salted with scriptural models for resolving conflict, diagrams, and anecdotal stories modeling problems with hurt and anger. There's Zach, who lets his mother run his life, and his wife Jan, whose anger over the situation is eating her up. Laura's husband is a workaholic, and she cries herself to sleep over his neglect. Jack works the night shift, and comes home unexpectedly to find his wife in the arms of a man from their Bible study group.

Every spouse will hurt their partner in some way, believe the Rosbergs. "It's not a question of if, only when." What separates those who head for divorce court and those whose marriages last is how the couple will resolve the conflict and hurt that they feel, they believe. The Rosbergs see three things that keep couples moving in the right direction: the couple acknowledges that they will cause each other pain from time to time, the couple learns what to do when conflicts and pain occur, and the couple puts God's plan for resolving conflict into practice.

With this in mind, the Rosbergs give readers a biblically-based plan to carry out all three steps, beginning with the idea of "the loop." The loop of conflict begins when your spouse offends you in some way. Until it is resolved, the loop remains open. At some point you reach the fork in the road --- the choice to close the loop or leave it open. Once forgiving love is exercised, the loop is closed.

Forgiving love, as seen by the Rosbergs, is a six-stage process: preparing the heart, diffusing anger, communicating concerns, confronting, forgiving, and rebuilding trust. Each stage is explored in detail, and includes examples of couples working through that particular step. Although the Rosbergs encourage couples to say no to divorce, they are also realistic, giving some examples of couples who don't make it. "Reconciliation can occur only when both spouses want it and pursue it through whole forgiveness."

The Rosbergs also look at the origins of marital conflicts, including family background differences, personality differences, values differences, and differences between the sexes. They also examine various types of anger (situational, displaced) and our responses to anger (protecting ourselves, exploding, denying, stuffing). Healing is hampered when pride, guilt, laziness, shame, and fear throw a "red light" that stops us on our journey toward resolution, they write.

"Unless you and your spouse learn how to work through your hurt and anger, you will likely find yourself on an emotional roller coaster that never slows down," write the authors. "Unresolved anger evolves into bitterness and resentment." The unresolved conflicts are part of the "open loops," and closing every "loop" as soon as possible is vital to divorce-proofing your marriage, they write.

They also examine cultural messages about conflict resolution, including messages from the media, advice from friends and family members, and instructions given by the church. Some of the most enjoyable illustrations in the book are when characters from the television sitcom "Everybody Loves Raymond" are used to illustrate five common conflict resolution styles. The couple writes with one voice, occasionally switching to first person accounts when they share personal marital anecdotes, which makes for a smooth read. Their plan for resolving conflict and managing anger and hurt flows in an orderly and logical way, with plenty of subheads to help the reader stay on track.

With virtually no Christian extended family left untouched by divorce, the Rosbergs have a ready-made readership. Engaged couples will find this book a great discussion starter, and married couples could find it a marriage-saver.

--- Reviewed by Cindy Crosby

7 of 9 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Healing the Hurt, May 23, 2007

By 

N. E. Keim (OH) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage (Paperback)

If you are looking for a Christ centered book to help with your marriage then this would be a good choice. This book uses readings from the Bible to help support how a Christ centered relationship will enrich your love of Christ and in turn will deepen your love for your spouse. When a couple has a Christ centered marriage they lead their children to Christ.

4.0 out of 5 stars Recommend to anyone, January 24, 2011

By 

L8blumr "L8blumr" (Austin, TX) - See all my reviews

Amazon Verified Purchase

This review is from: Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage (Paperback)

I am recommending this book to all the married couples I care about. If you have suffered divorce, either as a child or adult, then this book will give you the tools to resolve hurts - both unresolved and as they happen. Although he is a Christian counselor, its not too preachy yet makes the point with patient and personal examples, reminding us we're not alone - and there's help.