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Healing the Shame that Binds You (Recovery Classics) Paperback


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Product Details

  • Paperback: 316 pages
  • Publisher: HCI; Revised edition (October 15, 2005)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0757303234
  • ISBN-13: 978-0757303234
  • Product Dimensions: 8.5 x 5.5 x 1.1 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 13.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (150 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #4,463 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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About the Author

John Bradshaw is a counselor, speaker and one of the leading voices of the recovery movement, especially inner child and family issues. His classic books include Healing the Shame that Binds You (1.3 million copies sold), Bradshaw on: The Family (1.2 million copies sold) and Homecoming (3 million copies sold).

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

PART I

The Problem—
Spiritual Bankruptcy

 

 

We have no imagination for Evil, but Evil has us in its grip.

—C. G. Jung


Introduction: Shame as Demonic (The Internalization Process)

    As I've delved deeper into the destructive power of toxic shame, I've come to see that it directly touches the age-old theological and metaphysical discussion generally referred to as the problem of evil. The problem of evil may be more accurately described as the mystery of evil. No one has ever explained the existence of evil in the world. Centuries ago in the Judeo-Christian West, evil was considered the domain of the Devil, or Satan, the fallen angel. Biblical scholars tell us that the idea of a purely evil being like the Devil or Satan was a late development in the Bible. In the book of Job, Satan was the heavenly district attorney whose job it was to test the faith of those who, like Job, were specially blessed.

    During the Persian conquest of the Israelites, the Satan of Job became fused with the Zoroastrian dualistic theology adopted by the Persians, where two opposing forces, one of good, Ahura Mazda, the Supreme Creator deity, was in a constant battle with Ahriman, the absolute god of evil. This polarized dualism was present in the theology of the Essenes and took hold in Christianity where God and his Son Jesus were in constant battle with the highest fallen angel, Satan, for human souls. This dualism persists today only in fundamentalist religions (Muslim terrorists, the Taliban, the extreme Christian Right and a major part of evangelical Christianity).

    The figure of Satan and the fires of hell have been demythologized by modern Christian biblical scholars, theologians and ­philosophers.

    The mystery of evil has not been dismissed by the demythologizing of the Devil. Rather, it has been intensified in the twentieth century by two world wars, Nazism, Stalinism, the genocidal regime of the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia, and the heinous and ruthless extermination of Tibetans and Tibetan Buddhism by Pol Pot. These reigns of evil form what has been called a collective shadow, and it has been shown how naïve and unconscious the people of the world have been in relation to these evils.

    The denial of evil seems to be a learned behavior. The idea of evil is always subject to denial as a coping mechanism.

    Evil is real and is a permanent part of the human condition. 'To deny that evil is a permanent affliction of humankind,' says the philosopher Ernst Becker in his book Escape from Evil, 'is perhaps the most dangerous kind of thinking.' He goes on to suggest that in denying evil, humans have heaped evil on the world. Historically, great misfortunes have resulted from humans, blinded by the full reality of evil, thinking they were doing good but dispensing miseries far worse than the evil they thought to eradicate. The Crusades during the Middle Ages and the Vietnam War are ­examples that come to mind.

    While demons, Satan and hellfire have been demythologized by any critically thinking person, the awesome collective power of evil remains. Many theologiams and psychologists refer to evil as the demonic in human life. They call us to personal wholeness and self-awareness, especially in relation to our own toxic shame or shadow, which goes unconscious and in hiding because it is so painful to bear. These men warn against duality and polarization. 'We must beware of thinking of Good and Evil as absolute opposites,' writes Carl Jung. Good and evil are potentials in every human being; they are halves of a paradoxical whole. Each represents a judgment, and 'we cannot believe that we will always judge rightly.'

    Nothing can spare us the torment of ethical decision. In the past, prior to the patriarchies of Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot, it was believed that moral evaluation was built and founded on the certitude of a moral code that pretended to know exactly what is good and what is evil. But now we know how any patriarchy, even religious ones, can make cruel and violent decisions. Ethical decision is an uncertain and ultimately a creative act. My new book on moral intelligence calls these patriarchies 'cultures of obedience,' and presents an ethics of virtues as a way to avoid such moral totalism. The Jews who killed their Nazi guards or SS troopers coming to search their homes are now considered ethically good, no matter what the absolutist moral code says about killing. There is a structure of evil that transcends the ­malice of any single individual. The Augustinian priest Gregory Baum was the man I first heard call it 'the demonic.'

    It can begin with the best of intentions, with a sincere belief that one is doing good and fighting to eradicate evil, as in the Vietnam War—but it ends with heinous evil. 'Life consists of achieving Good, not apart from Evil, but in spite of it,' says the psychologist Rollo May. There is no such thing as pure good in human affairs. Those who claim it are seriously deluded and will likely be the next perpetrators of evil.

    As I pointed out in the preface to this revised edition, the affect shame has the potential for the depths of human evil or the heights of human good. In this regard shame is demonic. 'The daimonic,' says the psychologist Steven A. Diamond, 'is any natural function which has the power to take over the whole person.' Shame is a natural feeling that, when allowed to function well, monitors a person's sense of excitement or pleasure. But when the feeling of shame is violated by a coercive and perfectionistic religion and culture—especially by shame-based source figures who mediate religion and culture—it becomes an all-embracing identity. A person with internalized shame believes he is inherently flawed, inferior and defective. Such a feeling is so painful that defending scripts (or strategies) are developed to cover it up. These scripts are the roots of violence, criminality, war and all forms of addiction.

    What I'll mainly describe in the first part of this book is how the affect shame can become the source of self-loathing, hatred of others, cruelty, violence, brutality, prejudice and all forms of destructive addictions. As an internalized identity, toxic shame is one of the major sources of the demonic in human life.

 

 

 

1

The Healthy Faces

of Shame (HDL Shame)

 

Everyone needs a sense of shame,
but no one needs to feel ashamed.

—Frederick Nietzsche

 

    Because of its preverbal origins, shame is difficult to define. It is a healthy human feeling that can become a true sickness of the soul. Just as there are two kinds of cholesterol, HDL (healthy) and LDL (toxic), so also are there two forms of shame: innate shame and toxic/life-destroying shame. When shame is toxic, it is an excruciatingly internal experience of unexpected exposure. It is a deep cut felt primarily from the inside. It divides us from ourselves and from others. When our feeling of shame becomes toxic shame, we disown ourselves. And this disowning demands a cover-up. Toxic shame parades in many garbs and get-ups. It loves darkness and secretiveness. It is the dark, secret aspect of shame that has evaded our study.

    Because toxic shame stays in hiding and covers itself up, we have to track it down by learning to recognize its many faces and its many distracting behavioral cover-ups.


SHAME AS A HEALTHY HUMAN FEELING


More About the Author

John Bradshaw was educated for the Roman Catholic priesthood and took advanced degrees in psychology, philosophy, and theology before becoming a professional counselor. He is the author of such major bestsellers as Family Secrets, Healing the Shame That Binds You, Homecoming, and Creating Love. He lives in Houston, Texas, and gives lectures and workshops nationwide.

Customer Reviews

Very well written and good self help book.
kamegon1
I feel like everybody should read it, not just people who have issues, but anyone who wants to learn about people with issues.
Danielle Snyder
It helped me to understand myself and others.
Broker Deb

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

271 of 283 people found the following review helpful By Orva Schrock on January 7, 2002
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
It is no exaggeration to say this was the most helpful self-help book i've ever encountered. For a long time I was always a seeker but could never get to the bottom of the "soul sickness" I felt within my deepest sense of self. I was operating under the general theory my soul had been stolen from me in my early childhood. [I was raised by a brutal Amish preacher father who was very abusive physically and emotionally] I could never feel right about who and what I was as a person. This book truly opened my inner eye and gave me the insights and tools to take that mythical inner journey into my own "underworld" and find and retrieve my soul. After many years of depression, divorces, alcoholism, feeling absolutely defective as a human being, this wonderful book brought tears to my eyes, light to my mind, and true healing to my heart. I feel now I am a completely different person than I was during those years of toxic shame hell. While the healing is still ongoing, the light and growth of self esteem I've found are sure and precious treasures "The Universe" , [God?] has blessed me with. If your life seems depressing and out of control and sad; please read and reread this masterful work of self exploration. It can save you from much shame and pain. If you are as toxically shame based as I was, this book could very well save your life and engender a new feeling in your heart and soul: peace and happiness!
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121 of 125 people found the following review helpful By Elizabeth Hunyadi on June 27, 1999
Format: Paperback
Many suffer from the damaging effects of Toxic Shame. A little-explored subject, it causes one to feel defective from the core of one's being. The roots of shame come from abuse and dysfunctionality in the family and early socialization in school. People then tend to measure their worth against external standards and feedback and when it is negative or lacking, can feel a devasting loss of self. Whether perpetrated on an overt or covert level, the damaging effects can last a lifetime, leading people into mental illness, addiction, and crippling disfunctionality.
Bradshaw gives a diagnostic and thereapeutic vocabulary to those who desperately need it. Some people are shamed by the same people over and over again (ie: spouses and family) and need the tools with which to cope. Based on the twelve-step paradigm, Bradshaw shows us how to recognize the signs of toxic shame and how to (with the help of a therapist and/or healing community) eventually overcome it.
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80 of 86 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on August 9, 1996
Format: Paperback
John Bradshaw has written a thorough, concise guide to victims who suffer from toxic shame, in order to help them identify the shame they are feeling and then to alleviate and eliminate that shame. An all-intrusive emotion, toxic shame can devastate a life, destroy marriages, and leave the suffering victim alone and confused. Bradshaw has drawn a road map for these victims to help themselves find the way out of the endless cycle of shame and guilt that surrounds their lives every single day.
Since he is also a victim of childhood abuse, Bradshaw has a keen insight into the haunting terrors of being ashamed of your family because of alcoholism, drug dependence, sexual abuse...he covers it all.
This book is a must-read for the adult who has been raised in a traumatic setting. Healing the Shame that Binds You is a life-line to victims, and can be the first step on the road to recovery from toxic shame and other psychological problems brought on by dysfunctional family situations.
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101 of 114 people found the following review helpful By Carmen Matthews on March 27, 2002
Format: Paperback
This is a powerful question to ask youself, and those around you, in the face of self-defeating thoughts and comments.
I thought I had converted every shame-wound from my childhood into empowering habits, ones that guide me to solve my biggest problems ---until I reread this book.
The first time that I read this book, 7 years ago, I was so glad to have a name for the shame-wounds that I kept recreating in every aspect of my life.
And once I had a great definition, and many examples of how I not only experienced shame, but also recreated it, I taught myself to respond to my experiences, instead of reacting to them.
But what was missing, in all of these years was someone to mirror my evolved self.
John Bradshaw points out that we who have come from a shame-based childhood need a circle of people who mirror are needs, wants and beliefs, because it was people, our primary caretakers, who passed on to us their disowned shame.
Even though I have read so many books, and have evolved so much, I have had the opportunity to recognize in rereading this book that I need to be witnessed by a circle of people, which I will call my adult family -- without that recognition we all stagnate.
Years ago, I couldn't phathom joining such a group, for 3 reasons:
1. I have no chemical dependencies;
2. I feared that baring my soul to a body of strangers would
mean that I would be permanently humiliated and ashamed;
and,
3. I didn't recognize my need to heal my financial wounds.
Well. Thanks to this book I have found that courage to be more visible to a group who positively contributes to part of my journey.
Read more ›
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