The Heart of Grief: Death and the Search for Lasting Love [Paperback]

Thomas Attig (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: September 19, 2002

In The Heart of Grief, Attig gives us an inspiring and profoundly insightful meditation on the meaning of grief, showing how it can be the path toward a lasting love of those who have died. Recounting dozens of stories of people who have struggled with deaths in their lives, he describes grieving as a transition from loving in presence to loving in separation. The thing we long for most--the return of the one who is missing--is the very thing that we can never have, kindling the intense pain of our loss. But Attig argues that we can, in fact, build an enduring, even reciprocal, love, a love that tempers our pain. He tells stories, for instance, of a young girl taking some of her dead sister's practical advice as she enters high school, a widower realizing how much intimate life with his wife has colored his character, and an athlete drawing inspiration from his dead brother and achieving what they had dreamed of together. Far from forgetting our loved ones, Attig urges us to explore ways in which our memories of the departed can be sustained, our understanding of them enhanced, and their legacies embraced, so they continue to play active roles in our everyday and inner lives.
Groundbreaking and original, inspiring and compassionate, The Heart of Grief offers guidance, comfort, and a new understanding of how we grieve.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

The pain of loss can be overcome, says Attig, an "applied philosopher" and past president of the Association for Death Education and Counseling, by survivors who keep alive in their hearts their love for the departed. He repeats his message in each of some 50 brief chapters, using numerous anecdotes gleaned from his experiences as a counselor to explain how he has helped people cope with the loss of loved ones. Whatever the problem a survivor faces, Attig offers his mantraDkeep love alive. If we can remember and sustain our connection with the departed, they will always remain with us. Among the death-related topics Attig covers are ways to help children deal with loss; ghosts; the solace of traditional religious rites; how to use memories and stories of loved ones in daily life; and finding the presence of loved ones in familiar places. He recommends that we honor the memory of the departed by acting as they would have wished us to, to work for causes they held dear or even just to reminisce about our relationships with them. While his message is valuable, Attig's one-note thesis may be too simplistic and repetitive to strike a distinctive chord for readers seeking solace among the offerings in this crowded category. (Oct.)
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Review

"A book that will touch your heart, bring you to tears and heal your life. It is a book of truths because it contains the only thing which reveals the truth, a story. Everyone suffers loss so have the wisdom and courage to read, learn, feel and heal. I think so highly of this work that every one of our children will receive a copy. "--Bernie Siegel, MD, author of Love, Medicine and Miracles and Prescriptions for Living

"With simple eloquence and clear compassion, Attig topples the myth that grieving those who die requires letting go, and instead explores the sustaining connections that survive physical separation. This book is an invaluable guide to all bereaved persons who strive to restore wholeness to a love strained by loss, and who seek practical and spiritual counsel on how to find hope and even growth in the wake of desolation."--Robert A. Neimeyer, Ph.D, author of Lessons of Loss: A Guide to Coping and editor of Death Studies

"Exquisite story-images, thoughtful and sensitive wisdom resulting in the life-affirming message that 'love is stronger than death.'"--Rabbi Earl A. Grollman, D.H.L., D.H., author of Living When a Loved One Has Died

"Gentle and tender...a must not only for the bereaved but for those who want to help them."--Phyllis Silverman, Ph.D., author of Never Too Young to Know: Death in Children's Lives

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 324 pages
• Publisher: Oxford University Press, USA (September 19, 2002)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0195156250
• ISBN-13: 978-0195156256
• Product Dimensions: 9.1 x 5.3 x 1.1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (11 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #979,525 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

12 of 13 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The Heart of Grief, September 24, 2001

By 

Nancy J. Keesee, Ph.D. (Memphis, TN) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Heart of Grief: Death and the Search for Lasting Love (Hardcover)

On September 11, 2001, many sons and daughters, mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters died. I lost my own son 10 years ago and since that time I have wondered what can really be of help to parents, or other grievers in learning to live with such loss. Now, more than ever, life seems so fragile in this world and the need for understanding grief as important as ever. It is so hard when grief is so great. Our fears of our own mortality spring to the front stage of our emotins nakedly exposed to others. I recently found Tom Attig's The Heart of Grief and it met me right where I was. Using his personal experiences of grieving people, Attig describes a process of learning to love in a new way. He recounts the stories of people's losses and provides a myriad of ways that grievers have found to continue loving the ones they have lost.
Of course, we do not stop loving or forget our loved one. Death does not end our relationshipwith the deceased, but it is different. They are forever gone from this life. Attig suggests that sometimes people fear that when they accept the loss it means they have stopped loving the deceased person. Many people, who are unable to let themselves feel the full impact of their loss, find themselves stuck in wishing for the past and the return of a loved one. Consequently, there can be no real acceptance of the loss. Attig emphaasizes the need to BE SAD because what has happened IS SO SAD. Feeling intense sadness scares many people, so Attig encourages us to find someone to accompany us on this journey, a spouse, a friend, or a professional.
Most importantly, Attig writes that if we do not fully accept and greive our loss, we may have difficulty ever loving again. It is only through acceptance of our losses that we can continue to love those who have died in a new way and to love those who are still with us and love us. The use of real peoples' stories of loss are inspirational and give hope. Attig provides numerous examples and possiblities of ways to learn to love anew. Whether you are grieving a loss yourself or know someone who is, this book is very readable, relateable, informative and comforting. We all will be grievers some day. I highly recommend this book. I has a permenant place of importance on my bookshelf.

8 of 8 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Caring Doesn't End with Death, August 3, 2001

By 

Phyllis Silverman, Ph.D. (Boston, MA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Heart of Grief: Death and the Search for Lasting Love (Hardcover)

Tom Attig has written a gentle, tender and very readable book with a strong message verifying what every bereaved person knows. Connections to the deceased don't end with death. There is no such thing as closure or putting the past behind us advice often given to the bereaved that leaves with feeling as if something is wrong with them, rather than with the advice. Attig, through the stories he tells describes the fullness of human relationships and how we carry those we love with us even after their death.This is a must book not only for the bereaved but for those who want to help them.

10 of 11 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars highly recommended for the bereaved or those wanting to help, July 19, 2001

By 

T. Golden (Gaithersburg, MD United States) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: The Heart of Grief: Death and the Search for Lasting Love (Hardcover)

This book throws new light on the topic of healing from loss and approaches the perils of grief from a new direction that reframes the process. Attig helps us to see that grief is related to learning to continue to love the person who has died without the advantage of having their body present. This is strikingly different from the traditional views of healing from grief through revisiting the past. It frees many of us to find ways of grieving that are considerably different from the traditional "talking and crying" approach. This book shows us how to love the person who has died through embracing their legacies in ways that harmonize with our being and interests and thus unlocks us from the burden of grieving in the "right way." Through this process we develop a new relationship with the person who died and in many instances through our grief we learn to carry the person forward in a profoundly healing manner.

Importantly, Attig links grief with love. In a clinical and detached world we too often forget that this is a most difficult aspect of dealing with loss. If we miss this, we are missing the major thrust of grief. Attig says, "We can give places in our hearts to those who have died. As we do, we experience lasting love. We continue to love them. We sense that they still love us." It is this continuation of love that rightfully permeates this book.

I highly recommend it.