Customer Reviews

The Heart of Grief: Death and the Search for Lasting Love

5 star:		(10)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(0)
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1 star:		(0)

 

 

On September 11, 2001, many sons and daughters, mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters died. I lost my own son 10 years ago and since that time I have wondered what can really be of help to parents, or other grievers in learning to live with such loss. Now, more than ever, life seems so fragile in this world and the need for understanding grief as important as ever. It is so hard when grief is so great. Our fears of our own mortality spring to the front stage of our emotins nakedly exposed to others. I recently found Tom Attig's The Heart of Grief and it met me right where I was. Using his personal experiences of grieving people, Attig describes a process of learning to love in a new way. He recounts the stories of people's losses and provides a myriad of ways that grievers have found to continue loving the ones they have lost.
Of course, we do not stop loving or forget our loved one. Death does not end our relationshipwith the deceased, but it is different. They are forever gone from this life. Attig suggests that sometimes people fear that when they accept the loss it means they have stopped loving the deceased person. Many people, who are unable to let themselves feel the full impact of their loss, find themselves stuck in wishing for the past and the return of a loved one. Consequently, there can be no real acceptance of the loss. Attig emphaasizes the need to BE SAD because what has happened IS SO SAD. Feeling intense sadness scares many people, so Attig encourages us to find someone to accompany us on this journey, a spouse, a friend, or a professional.
Most importantly, Attig writes that if we do not fully accept and greive our loss, we may have difficulty ever loving again. It is only through acceptance of our losses that we can continue to love those who have died in a new way and to love those who are still with us and love us. The use of real peoples' stories of loss are inspirational and give hope. Attig provides numerous examples and possiblities of ways to learn to love anew. Whether you are grieving a loss yourself or know someone who is, this book is very readable, relateable, informative and comforting. We all will be grievers some day. I highly recommend this book. I has a permenant place of importance on my bookshelf.

Tom Attig has written a gentle, tender and very readable book with a strong message verifying what every bereaved person knows. Connections to the deceased don't end with death. There is no such thing as closure or putting the past behind us advice often given to the bereaved that leaves with feeling as if something is wrong with them, rather than with the advice. Attig, through the stories he tells describes the fullness of human relationships and how we carry those we love with us even after their death.This is a must book not only for the bereaved but for those who want to help them.

This book throws new light on the topic of healing from loss and approaches the perils of grief from a new direction that reframes the process. Attig helps us to see that grief is related to learning to continue to love the person who has died without the advantage of having their body present. This is strikingly different from the traditional views of healing from grief through revisiting the past. It frees many of us to find ways of grieving that are considerably different from the traditional "talking and crying" approach. This book shows us how to love the person who has died through embracing their legacies in ways that harmonize with our being and interests and thus unlocks us from the burden of grieving in the "right way." Through this process we develop a new relationship with the person who died and in many instances through our grief we learn to carry the person forward in a profoundly healing manner.

Importantly, Attig links grief with love. In a clinical and detached world we too often forget that this is a most difficult aspect of dealing with loss. If we miss this, we are missing the major thrust of grief. Attig says, "We can give places in our hearts to those who have died. As we do, we experience lasting love. We continue to love them. We sense that they still love us." It is this continuation of love that rightfully permeates this book.

I highly recommend it.

I'm willing to bet that whoever wrote the editorial review for Publisher's Weekly (above) has never known the crushing agony of losing someone to death that s/he truly loved; or suffered the kind of pain that still drops you to your knees, years, even decades later, begging for mercy. The kind of anguish where you'd gladly give your own life just to make it stop. The kind you bear when you know they are never coming back and there is nothing you can do. I'm very happy for that reviewer. I hope he or she will never know it. But Heart of Grief must be read by those who understand all too well the overwhelming tidal wave of hopelessness that accompanies the loss of a loved one. Where Publisher's Weekly found this book simplistic, I found beauty in its quiet simplicity.

Being of a metaphysical sort, I've read just about all the reincarnation / life after death / love never dies / hypnotic regression / soul mates for eternity / communicating with the dead / type books. I've been spellbound by all of them and will probably continue to read them as they are published because it's a fascinating subject. Besides helping us to understand the process of dying and what comes after, these books pledge that we will someday be reunited. They all assure us that the deceased are still very much alive and well and with us daily, so there is no need to grieve. But they also often come with the stipulation that we must let go so that our loved ones can move forward, and because we want what is best for those we love, we attempt to suppress our grief, no matter how much it hurts us. While the theory seems reasonable, by trying to ignore our suffering, we compound it. We cannot stop the hurt just because we want to. It's not an electrical switch. It's not a water faucet. And it's just not that easy. Grief is complex, binding us with ropes so twisted we cannot seem to find the end that will untangle us.

Heart of Grief shows us that we do not have to let go, and in fact, encourages us not to. With compassion and a comforting voice, Thomas Attig sets forth practical ways to keep and strengthen the bonds of love with those who have died. I found it to be a very spiritually healing and uplifting book that has made a dent in my grief and a difference in my life.

An ethicist, a physician, a nurse and an anthropologist, all working in the USA and Canada have combined their skills, their experience and, more importantly their sentitive insights into the kaleidoscope of emotions and reactions encountered when caring for those with life-threatening illnesses. The reader new to this field will probably assume that the cases are fictitious so incredibly complex is each one. The doctor, nurse or social worker who has spent any time in palliative care will recognise the challenges he or she meets every single day - challenges infinitely more difficult and demanding that purely ' pain and symptom control' If, as the authors suggest, this book is read alongside MacDonald's Palliative Medicine - a case-based manual ( also from Oxford Press incidentally )they will have some of the best teaching material in the field of palliative care. Criticisms ? Possibly a trifle too long and wordy and, so far as the details of medical care are concerned, a reflection of North American practise, at times different from the rest of the world but neverthless a book for everyone in palliative care to read and benefit from. A welcome addition to the fast-growing literature in this field of human need and response.

"When people die, they're gone. There's nothing to do but get over it and go on." This widespread myth of our culture is false. We can remember. We can celebrate joys. We can sense for what sharing life has taught us. We can take inspiration from the power of the deceased's spirit. We can be grateful for the dimensions of our souls that have been enlivened by times together. And not only can we do these things. We shall be the better for honoring the myriad of ways in which the deceased has enriched our lives. That's what I get from Attig's book. Only he makes all this very real for his reader with wonderful stories that give vitality and substance to these ideas. I think anyone who grieves the loss of someone treasured will gain solace and insight from this wonderful book.

Dr. Thomas Attig's book, "The Heart of Grief: Death and the Search for Lasting Love," is an exceptional follow-up to his first book about grieving, "How We Grieve: Relearning the World." Each chapter of "Heart of Grief" begins with a real life situation involving the death of a person and the consequences of that death on those who are still living. His premise is that people who have passed away can still be an important and essential part of one's life. You don't have to get on with your life without them; you can get on with your life with them. Although there is an element of `advice' giving in "Heart of Grief," the book is much more story-telling. It's like a good novel-you can read it for the dramatization of some essential human truths. I recommend it highly.

"When people die, they're gone. There's nothing to do but get over it and go on." This widespread myth of our culture is false. We can remember. We can celebrate joys. We can sense for what sharing life has taught us. We can take inspiration from the power the deceased's spirit. We can be grateful for the dimensions of our souls that have been enlivened by times together. And not only can we do these things. We shall be the better for honoring the myriad of ways in which the deceased has enriched our lives. That's what I get from Attig's book. Only he makes all this very real for his reader with wonderful stories that give vitality and substance to these ideas. I think anyone who grieves the loss of someone treasured will gain solace and insight from this wonderful book.

For those who have read Attig's How We Grieve, this makes a wonderful followup to "relearning the world." Not only do we, in the grieving process, relearn our world to survive our loss, but in this sensitive, well written book we find that there are many ways to continue our relationship with the loved one, through memories, longlasting love, rituals and yes, even through "ghostly" encounters. There is a wonderful discussion of soul and spirit and the connections made in soulful and spiritual ways that will appeal to any and all regardless of religious views or beliefs. Attig speaks from the heart as he tells wonderful stories that we can relate to in our own circumstances; he describes how we grieve, not only as a process, but how we grieve from the heart, maintaining connection with the loved one(s) as we get on with our own lives. A most helpful book to those who are grieving, and to those who want to prepare for the grief times that will come into their lives.

Dr. Attig's book is an important part of a paradigm shift in our thinking about grief. He has thrown open a door to new thinking about how we can continue to be in relationship to loved ones who are no longer alive. This book is eloguently written with the ring of truth from the lives of real people. An excellent addition to our knowlege and understanding of grief.