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I Heart My Little A-Holes: A bunch of holy-crap moments no one ever told you about parenting Hardcover – April 8, 2014


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I Heart My Little A-Holes: A bunch of holy-crap moments no one ever told you about parenting + I Just Want to Pee Alone + Go the F**k to Sleep
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Product Details

  • Hardcover: 304 pages
  • Publisher: William Morrow (April 8, 2014)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0062341626
  • ISBN-13: 978-0062341624
  • Product Dimensions: 5.5 x 1 x 7.1 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 11.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (909 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #4,410 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Karen Alpert
There are a Lot of Reasons I Wrote This Book, I Mean, Besides Money by Karen Alpert

When I had my daughter I remember looking down at my newborn and thinking there’s a reason God made babies ridiculously cute. So we wouldn’t give them away. Or eat them. Because having a kid is like the hardest thing on earth. I mean yeah it’s super rewarding and you can’t help but loving them to pieces, but no one ever tells you before you have kids just how difficult it’s going to be.

And you’d never know it from looking at Facebook or Pinterest. You’d think that having kids is all hunky dory and awesome and smiley, like unicorns flying over rainbows. Wait, unicorns don’t fly. Fine, unicorns with wings. But I digress.

So this is why I wrote this book. To let parents everywhere know that they are not alone. That parenting is hard for everyone. Being preggers, breastfeeding, tantrums, explosive blowout diapers, bedtimes, naptimes, scraping projectile vomit off the ceiling, scraping projectile poop off the wall, the terrible twos, the terrible threes, the terrible fours, etc etc etc.

Okay, pardon me while I get all serious for a moment here. Picture a mom who just had a baby for the first time. Her hormones are bouncing off the walls like a pinball machine that’s being played by a kid who just chugged four Red Bulls, her nipples feel like they’re being eaten by fire ants, and her new baby hasn’t let her sleep more than two straight hours in the past three weeks. This little tiny being is constantly with her, and yet she’s never felt so alone. This is the reason I wrote this book.

Picture a mom standing in the middle of a supermarket where her kid is literally going cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs because she won’t buy them, and everyone in the store is staring at her like she is the worst parent on earth. This is the reason I wrote this book.

Picture a mom looking at the clock figuring out that she has exactly 84 minutes until her husband comes home from work. Or a dad knowing he has exactly 176 days until his wife comes home from Afghanistan. Or a mom doing it all alone day after day after day because she’s single. This is the reason I wrote this book.

Kids are awesome. We love them to death and once we have them we can’t imagine life without them. But they’re also little a-holes who torture us on a daily basis and make us feel like we’re doing it all wrong. This is the reason I wrote this book. To make people laugh and feel a little less alone in the impossible, awesome, horrendous, amazing, challenging, exciting, disgusting, unbelievable job of being a parent.


Review

“Crass, inappropriate and absolutely hysterical. In other words, absolutely everything you could want in a parenting book and more.” (Jill Smokler, author of Confessions of a Scary Mommy)

“Beware of Mom: She bites. Karen is crass and abrasive and makes no apologies, nor should she. Her take on family life is funny, filthy and familiar... Reading her stories will make you laugh so hard...your head will explode.” (Nicole Knepper, author of Moms Who Drink and Swear)

More About the Author

Karen is the ridiculously hairy, self-deprecating writer of the popular blog Baby Sideburns. You may have seen a few of her more viral posts like "What NOT to F'ing buy my kids this holiday" and "Caillou sucks so bad, here's another blog about why I hate him." She spent fifteen years working for national advertising agencies until she was promoted to her newest favorite job-- Mommy. She lives with her two amazing kiddos and a very forgiving husband who is kind enough not to call her Cousin It when she undresses for bed every night.

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Customer Reviews

She's hilariously funny.
Katherine Schiselr
I literally Laughed OUT LOUD while reading this book!
mum
It is the funniest book I have ever read!
filiz a. ozkan

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

36 of 38 people found the following review helpful By Stephanie, WhenCrazyMeetsExhaustion on October 21, 2013
Format: Kindle Edition
I've long been a fan of Karen's (AKA: Baby Sideburns), mostly because she makes me laugh so hard I consider it an ab workout. She says/writes the things most of us only think, but as soon as we read her Facebook status or new blog post, I'm like YES! WHAT SHE SAID! Her book is no different: hilarious, irreverent, tongue-in-cheek and--are you sitting down?--full of heart. Underneath her snark and sarcasm, it's obvious this Mama adores her children. And that's what makes I Heart My Little A-holes so GOOD. It's relatable because it's REAL. And that's Karen: real.

Thanks for the laugh, lady, and everyone else: buy TWO copies. You'll definitely want to give one to your moms as a thank you/I'm sorry gift ;-)
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22 of 24 people found the following review helpful By Kelly Rabin on October 21, 2013
Format: Kindle Edition
In case the title didn't give it away, this book is not for prudes. Or sweet little great grandmas. If you liked "Go the bleep to Sleep", you'll probably like this one.

Back in my less jaded parenting days, I wrote a Facebook post in which I didn't understand how anyone could like a book like that. There are real cases of child abuse and sad tales of infertility - shouldn't we cherish every moment we have with our little love bugs? Well, then I had another baby. And my older daughter turned 3. And suddenly I understood that this kind of humor is a coping mechanism for crazed parents. Because if we don't laugh, we will never stop crying.

The reason I gave this 4 stars instead of 5 is that it felt like much of the material was recycled from her blog. Still hilarious and worth buying, but if you are an avid reader of the blog you will feel like you read many of these stories before.
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12 of 13 people found the following review helpful By L. Beck on October 21, 2013
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
Baby sideburns says what most mothers think on a daily basis but don't want to say out loud. I have always loved her blog, but this book has made me a true fan.
Hilarious, mouth dropping humor!
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10 of 11 people found the following review helpful By Stephagruss on October 21, 2013
Format: Kindle Edition
I am not a parent, I'm merely an observer of people with children. As such, I found the book incredibly HILARIOUS and right in line with her FB and column posts. Karen has a way with words and she certainly knows how to make people laugh. I'll be right in line for her second book!
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12 of 15 people found the following review helpful By Ready Mommy on February 6, 2014
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
Karen Alpert (a.k.a., Baby Sideburns) cobbles together more than a dozen posts and short quips (probably originally created for Facebook) from her popular blog in this highly disappointing compilation-style mommy memoir. Jill Smokler's cover endorsement calling the book "absolutely hysterical" and "everything you could want in a parenting book and more" makes me wonder whether she actually read it. Sure, some of the lines are funny and certain small segments are even well-done, but - on the whole - the crass (a bit of potty humor must be part of any mom's life, but the sheer volume of hers got very old), defeatist (having kids likely isn't what makes her body "s*ck balls," the crappy eating habits that she continually shame-brags about and her belief that no amount of exercise will help probably do), and repetitive (listing nine items on a top-10 because "I'm too lazy to write more" was funny the first time but not the third; same thing goes for constantly joking about how hard it is to spell) nature of the content grated and made finishing the book a chore. I also wonder whether her choice to organize chapters around similar blog posts - rather than mixing the material up - hurt the book's readability. Here's the bottom line: if you want a funny book about parenting (as opposed to a parenting book), go for Jim Gaffigan's "Dad Is Fat" or Jill Smokler's "Confessions of a Scary Mommy"; if you absolutely insist on reading this book, at least take it in very small doses.

That said, here are a couple of her winning lines (if only she would stick with relatable, smart observations like these rather than turning herself into a mommy shock jock):

"The first time you hear [your child say `Mama'], your heart melts a little. The second time you hear it, your eyes well up.
Read more ›
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5 of 5 people found the following review helpful By Adin Burroughs on October 29, 2013
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
Great read. I read this while 7 months with my third. Helped me get thru OB appointments, sleepless nights, and my whiney four year old. Baby Sideburns says what we all think at one point in time while being a parent. Her blunt honesty had me laughing my butt off.
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9 of 11 people found the following review helpful By Cindy Alpert on October 20, 2013
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
An awesomely hysterical book about parenting for anyone who is, or has had, a parent. Not for the faint of heart who don't appreciate the proper use of some vulgarity for its full humorous potential!
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7 of 9 people found the following review helpful By blackheart04 on November 9, 2013
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
I love BS's blog and I follow her on FB. She truly is hilarious and says what we all think and feel about aspects of motherhood. So of course, I was very happy to purchase this book to support her endeavors and get some laughs. Unfortunately, I've already read most everything, if not all..... On her blog? Wtf, BS?! Ugh. I wish I would have saved myself the money and disappointment. Plus, she got several thousands donated on Kickstarter to publish? Publish what? Regurgitated material loyal followers have already read? Wow. I might not feel as ripped off if she actually used curse words instead of this 'Fing' stuff she used. We're all adults, BS. We can handle it. I get not doing it on FB and the blog, but I PAID for this re-print of everything I've ALREADY read. At least give it to me with SOMETHING different. I still love her blog, so I added a star for that.
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