Customer Reviews

Help Me Live: 20 Things People with Cancer Want You to Know

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I have had my fair share of cancer battles. In hindsight, there were some battles that I won, and some battles that I lost. I am confident I have won my own personal war against this life-altering disease. Society has a label for someone like me: `A Survivor'. Though the terminology might be appropriate to a degree, I do not think of myself as `A Survivor', but rather a person who has been given a fair share of blessings because I had to my own cancer fights. I consider my self `A Conqueror'. Hard to imagine? Then you should think again. My cancer battles helped me evolve as a person, made me a more enlightened soul, one who appreciates each and every moment I have here. Unfortunately, too many people forget this. My point in sharing this little history of mine is so that you know I am not a single event cancer fighter, but a multiple event Conqueror!

Saying all of this, if you or a person close to you is fighting the big `C', then I cannot express to you the significance of Lori Hope's book Help Me Live: 20 Things People with Cancer Want You to Know. This is more than a must read . . . the advice and perspective Ms. Hope shares thru her book is, and again, I cannot express this enough, essential to the recovery process for not only the person who is physically fighting this dreaded disease, but also the entire support group of family and friends, who too are fighting this disease through their support of the cancer victim.

As a `Conqueror' herself, Lori was wise in her writing style for this book. Filled with a sense of ease, grace, and lots of humor, this book shouts out with pragmatic optimism that every individual involved with the `C' war will appreciate. You will find yourself after reading this book, regardless if you are the physical victim, or part of a support group, filled with optimism and a certain sense of clarity. The funny thing is that I said to myself after reading this book (my book is now filled with so many notes), `why is it that a person has to go thru this stuff to be able to see that the trees have beautiful leaves, and I better take a look at them?"

This is simply put an invaluable book, one not just for those that are fighting any type of medical issue, but in many ways a guide to how we should interact with one another.

I would like to personally thank the author for writing this much needed book.

Reviewed by Peter Senese. Author and `Conqueror'.

Lori Hope's book addresses an issue no other book has tackled.
For the first time, a woman with cancer tells how friends and family can help. Usually, it's the medical profession telling patients with cancer what to do or telling their families how to help. In this book, Hope shares her down-to-earth examples and humorous stories. A lung cancer survivor and Emmy Award-winning documentary film producer, Hope tells people like me how not to help -- from overreacting to the diagnosis (I've done this) to saying, "whatever you need, let me know" (I've done this, too). Now, I have a context in which to help those many friends of mine who have lived with cancer. Instead of asking a global, "what do you need?" I learned from Hope's book to ask instead, "can I bring over dinner tonight?" "would you like to go for a walk?" or "may I do those dishes for you?" and "I'd be happy to take you to chemo treatments once a month...what day works for you?" I learned a lot, not just about helping friends with cancer, but about really helping.

As a cancer survivor and caregiver, I found this book not only needed but essential. With sensitivity and warmth, it tackles an important subject that must be addressed. As much as we all wish, cancer is not going to go away anytime soon. One in two American men and one in three American women will be diagnosed with cancer in their lifetimes. Survivorship has become a national priority and it will continue to grow.

So what do you say to someone whose life has been turned upside down by a cancer diagnosis?

Hope interviewed scores of cancer survivors asking them bluntly about the comments and actions that helped them most, as well as those that wounded. Her book is a practical outline on how to truly help and be present in a cancer survivor's life. More important, is it a storybook full of tales (some quite funny) that illustrate words and actions that have helped or hurt.

I have given copies of this book to many intelligent and sensitive but uniformed people -- people who have asked things like, How much time does the doctor think you have? How much life insurance do you have on your husband?

As more and more cancer survivors thrive, we become a force to be reckoned with. Cancer survivors should not feel slighted in addition to all the other issues they must face. No one can take the disease away, but Hope gives those who have friends and loved ones dealing with the disease an honest and practical blueprint for truly respecting and understanding their needs.

Hope has become a spokeswoman for communicating with compassion and her articles and presentations are truly changing the way we talk about cancer and surviving. What Hope has done for the survivorship movement is remarkable. Her book should be required reading for doctors, nurses and anyone entering the health care profession, as well as anyone touched by cancer.

Help Me Live is a beautiful and a necessary book. If you don't need it now, you are going to need it sooner or later, because, sadly, all of us are touched by cancer before long. I knew that Lori Hope was working on this book, and I asked her for an advance copy when my best friend was hospitalized with what the doctors first thought was a brain tumor. Although this friend and I had been having what seemed like an unbroken conversation for thirty years, I did not know how to talk with him about his cancer. Lori Hope's book walked me through that, like an understanding friend by my side, gently warning me about things not to say, gently encouraging me about things to be sure to say. Far more than a list of dos and don'ts, Help Me Live is a testament to its author's own experience and the experiences of the many people she interviewed in the course of writing it. Deeply personal and honest, courageous and understanding, and filled with stories of grace under the most trying of circumstances, this book should be in every household, in every doctor's waiting room, in every hospital gift-shop. Read it. And tell your friends about it.

Wow, what an amazing book. I had breast cancer two years ago, and vowed I'd never pick up another book on cancer. A friend told me about this and it sat unread for a month in my room. When I finally picked it up, I literally couldn't put it down. I wept and laughed and howled out loud. Lori Hope put into words for me so many things I had gone through and expressed them so perfectly. This book allowed me to finally let go and grieve and know that I was far from alone in my feelings. This is a must read for anyone who knows anyone with cancer. Though it's not written for cancer "patients", personally it was a blessing and a gift and has lifted my spirits.

In the past, when people around me had cancer I tried to be supportive, but really, I was a completely clueless moron, which I didn't realize until a few years ago when I went through cancer myself. If this book had been around earlier it would have helped me be a little less clueless. And if had been around when I had cancer I could have given it to my friends and family to help them understand better ways to be supportive, and to help them understand why I was going to have to hit the next person who told me I had to maintain a positive attitude!

The stories and the author's own experiences cover a wide range of reactions and ways of dealing with cancer. It's kind of like a cheat sheet for combatants and non-combatants alike. So whether you are a cancer patient or a survivor, or a spouse, parent, sibling, friend, co-worker, or acquaintance of someone who has been touched by cancer, I think you will find this a helpful book.

"20 Things People with Cancer Want You to Know" is about communicating with people with cancer. Those who are healthy must learn how to take the lead when interacting with those who have or have had cancer. Author Lori Hope knows it is impossible to empathize with cancer patients and survivors when you have not had it yourself. It is her hope that this book will serve as food for thought, providing stories and examples of words and deeds that have helped and also those which have harmed. Topics include "I need to feel hope" to "My moods change day to day; please forgive me if I snap at you."

Author Hope understood cancer with years as a medical reporter, documentary producer, and caregiver. With this background, she came to understand the importance of how to ask questions. She has used this skill in creating "20 Things" with interviews with patients, caregivers, psychotherapists, counselors, social workers, researchers and doctors.

More importantly, the book is laced with her own experience, having been diagnosed and treated for lung cancer. "Though I knew my friends and family wanted to help - and most did - some unwittingly said and did things that did not make me feel better."

This highly readable book is descriptive not prescriptive. The author wanted to avoid prescribing specific words or behaviors as patients react individually, but rather, to open a world of possibilities, giving us pause for thought. "I want to describe what helps and hurts without making friends and loved ones feel guilty about things they may have said or done in the past, and without prescribing exact words or actions for the future."

Besides the "20 Things," the author's afterword is filled with extensive information geared to specific issues: stage of treatment - from diagnosis to after treatment; various cancer types; the workplace; depression: gender and age; end of life issues; and "people of faith."

Other sections at the end include:
* To doctors and health providers
* An additional list of 21 more things to know
* 16 fabulous things people did and said to cancer patients
* 12 outrageous or awful things said to people with cancer
* 26 common phrases or words that sting
* 22 things most people with cancer like and want to hear

While this book was written to help us communicate with those facing cancer, I found this book to be a useful reminder for all communications since it is a guide on how to communicate more clearly, respectfully, and lovingly.

Listen, listen and listen. By watching and listening, one can learn what a person really wants and needs. "That's what the book is about. All want to be cared for and to feel understood and respected."

As an oncology nurse with over 14 years experience I have learned many "truths" by listening to my clients. When I read Lori's book I found myself nodding my head in recognition of many of these truths. She writes exquisitely of the emotions and the roller coaster ride of a cancer diagnosis and treatment.

As a nurse educator I plan to share this book with my students to try and give them some insight into the common experiences that many cancer patients have, as well as the uncommon ones. Hopefully this will allow them to be better nurses of the future.
Thank you, Lori, for creating such a powerful tool for learning.

I am a clinical oncology massage therapist in a cancer center, but more importantly, I was caregiver to my first wife, whom I lost to breast cancer many years ago. The journey of survivorship can be a lonely and isolating for many reasons, not the least of which is the inability of others to understand, through no fault of their own. Unless one has been through the trauma of a life theatening illness, there is not a frame of reference one can relate to. It is beyond comprehension. A common thought expressed when I relate to survivors is that others "Don't get it." and that you don't have the energy or time to explain it to them. This book, "Help Me Live" helps to accomplish this burdensome task. It provides insight into the frightful, confusing, exhausting journey of survivorship. It gives others a "clue".
I was somewhat amused at a reviewers comments about contradictory ideas in the book. Exactly! Welcome to the world of survivorship. This can be different people with different responses or it can be one person on a different day. It can change that quickly. This is part of what's "normal" now. I use this book in my training of other massage therapist who have chosen to work with cancer patients and recommend it to all caregivers who will be working with cancer patients. I also recommed it to survivors as an affirmation of their personal experiences. All too often survivors internalize their feelings thinking the fear, the confusion, the turmoil is some sort of personal issue or failure, especially since many they try to share it with don't understand. Many find solace in recognition that they are not alone in their thoughts and feelings. I have them read it first then hand it to a caregiver so they might learn.
I believe in this book. It's a wonderful work and thank you Lori for putting it together.

BTW- A survivor is defined as anyone from the first day of diagnosis.

My husband was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma a few months before our wedding and I could not believe the things people said to us. "Are you still going to get married? You know, you might want to postpone the wedding. I could never handle the pressure of chemo and a wedding! Are you sure you are making the right decision?" All we wanted from people was support and understanding as we tried to forge through this new terrority and we were constantly faced with doubt from family and friends. This book was a lifesaver for our relationship with each other and our families. I think that everybody should read this book! We can never fully understand what our loved ones are feeling and like the book says, sometimes the best thing to do is to just stand there and listen and suppress the urge the offer "well meaning" advice.