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on July 25, 2012
I found out 2.5 weeks ago that my husband of 11 years cheated on me on 2 occasions with 1 woman. The news of the affair (7 years and 5 years old at the time of his revelation) hit me like a ton of bricks. We decided to try to stay together and embark upon a new marriage. However my emotional highs and lows over the issue were becomming a huge stresser in and of itself. The questions I had running through my mind, wondering if we were on the right track to saving our relationship, the doubts, wanting to talk to him about how I was feeling over what he'd done but not knowing how or being always able to put it into words, the anguish... Until I found this book.

This book is primarily meant for the cheating spouse who wants to try to salvage their marriage. In the early days there are lots of things that need to be done, and then there's a lot that needs to be done over the long haul. This book can help the cheating spouse see what steps they are going to need to make and the things they will have to do and sacrifice if they want any real hope of saving their marriage and salvaging the spouse they have shamed and ruined.

This is book isn't bad for the wounded spouse. It will let you know that the crazy feelings and thoughts you have apparently are quite normal. If you read it WITH your adulterous spouse it can serve as the platform for you to discuss with your spouse what you are going through and/or allow you to point out or highlight things that you have been wondering or feeling but just didn't know how to say or express.

This book has greatly bolstered my hope that my husband and I can work through this. He did so many of the "right" things from the get go without even having knowledge of the book that I know we're on the right track.
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on July 3, 2013
This book helped my husband and me continue with our marriage.

Simply put, I asked him to buy it about three weeks after discovering his affair. He bought it. He read it. Cried over it. Tried to live by it.

The reason I think it helped was it helps the cheater see things from the betrayed spouse's perspective. This is crucial because the balance has been so off kilter during the months/years of the affair, with the cheater often thinking only about his or her own needs and feelings. If that person wants back into the marriage, it's essential that he or she come face to face with the impact of the affair on the spouse and do his or her best to fix the balance of power in the relationship.

It helped because my husband really took it to heart.

If you are reading this review, it's because your marriage has been wounded by an affair. Good luck. Be strong.
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on March 21, 2011
Linda MacDonald understands what is required from the betrayer if they want to restore their marriage, like no other counselor I am aware of. She spells out in consise terms what must be done, each point made is valid and cannot be ignored. As the betrayed spouse, I began to wonder if it was me, expecting more from my wife than what is reasonable in order to have a restored marriage, more than ten years after D-Day. After reading this book, my feelings have been validated. A year prior to reading this book, I had told her some of what I needed, needs that are noted in the book. She told me it was too hard for her to do that. As a result, we have not made the progress that is desired. I now know any further progress will require my acceptance of un-met needs.
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on April 11, 2011
Ms. MacDonald has given couples struggling with recovering from infidelity a wonderful roadmap. I recommend this book for both wayward spouses and betrayed spouses. Too many counselors fail to grasp the devastation caused by infidelity. Their advice is to push the betrayal under the rug, don't ask questions, and pretend it never happened. Or worse, they place the blame on the betrayed spouse. Ms. MacDonald takes a more realistic and authentic approach to recovery.

For those struggling with how to help their spouses heal, this will be a wrenching journey but one worth taking. For those who were betrayed, it will affirm that your expectations and needs are valid. It will help you give voice to your struggle.
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on January 14, 2013
I am not good about giving reviews, but in the case w/ this book I feel it's essencial!
When I found the title of this book on Amazon my husband and I were 6 months post his final confession. I had endured 11 months of the trickle effect....the last lie coming out before a lie detector test. After his test he was euphoric, he felt clean and renewed. He didn't understand why I couldn't move forward w/ him? Why my pain was still so great? This book was ME! It was every e-mail i'd sent him, every letter i had writen, every journal entry. I underlined nearly every paragraph of this book and handed it to him. He read it...and then he SAW me! Finally! He got it and understood the depth of my pain and then began the process of renewal. I cannot say enough about this short manual. If you have had infidelity in your marriage, you must read this! Thank you Linda Macdonald!
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on April 26, 2012
This book is an excellent resource for both the betrayer and the betrayed. The betrayer, coming out of their post-affair "romance" and "fantasy world, needs a bit of shock treatment to realize just what a mess they've created. They've destroyed lives and families by their selfish and inappropriate actions. Some betrayers may take exception to the content of the book, they're the ones who stubbornly and selfishly don't want to own up to their actions; completely. For those truly repentant spouse's that realize the mess that they've made - and own it, for them this book is an incredibly useful tool. Both my wife and I have read it several times to help us through the mess that she created. It's helping, and that's good, because I want to stay married and have our marriage be better than ever. Best thing about the book is it doesn't place the betrayed/victim at fault in any way for the actions of the other/betrayer.
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on June 16, 2012
This book really helped to express the devastation experienced from being cheated on. Sometimes it's hard to verbally express that devastation beyond curse words & tears (especially if you just discovered the affair) and this book did helps to do that for you. If you and your spouse want to work on the marriage I suggest reading it together. My husband read aloud while I read along. This way I could point out the most important statements, bring up specific situations of ours that relate to the book, etc. If you can't read it together I suggest the faithful one read it first & make notes in it for the spouse & also underline/highlight the most pertinent statements. Then when the unfaithful one reads it they will also read you. I've done this with a few books & found it helpful to add my words to the author's. If you don't plan on staying together this is still a good read, especially for the unfaithful. You have to try & understand what your actions have done & learn about the person you've become in order to hopefully change. If you don't you will just repeat some or all of your steps in future relationships.
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on October 11, 2014
More than a month after my affair came to light, my wife and I drove home after dropping my daughter off at college. We had some intense disclosure discussions and I smartly put on an audiobook to escape from the tough disclosure discussions. The book, "How to help heal your spouse from your affair" moved us both to tears as the author basically described what my wife was experiencing. My wife said she felt like someone was finally putting words to her emotions and feelings. I also began to understand what she was going through.

Here's the big take away from this book. That me as the betrayer, should take on the role of the healer in my marriage. As much as I caused the excruciating hurt through my utterly despicable actions and my wife sometimes cannot stand the sight of me, I am still uniquely qualified to help heal her wounds. This is God's calling on my life. The author does a fantastic job explaining the difference in attitudes and behaviors between betrayers who get it, and those who do not.

I have now listened to the book twice since then - usually at a time when the survivor in me wants to convince me that I don't have to put up with all the anger, emotional roller coaster rides and verbal assaults. That I should "just quit and let her divorce me". The author reminds me of my responsibility towards my precious wife and my needy children. It reminds me that I have a significant role to play in my wife's healing.

Most of the other resources and counselors have encouraged me to focus on my healing .. and that's very appropriate. However, the message of betrayers being healers is not being emphasized enough. THIS LITTLE BOOK WILL GIVE YOUR MARRIAGE A FIGHTING CHANCE. I know it helps me in regaining my wife's trust and affection.

Many betrayers continue to cause more and more damage as the days go on. So do I, but I challenge you to read this book. IT WILL HELP YOU! I HIGHLY RECOMMEND that you buy this book and read it cover to cover. Multiple times. It is a short, concise book that in audio form, is only 2 1/2 hours long. It has been the most helpful resource in the rebuilding of our marriage.

BUY IT. READ IT. LISTEN TO IT. APPLY IT.
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on March 15, 2016
[Note: "he" and "his" can refer to either a husband or a wife's unfaithfulness]

The author is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. After 22 years of counseling, she wrote this book to "identify certain behaviors on the part of unfaithful partners that tend to determine the success or failure of their efforts to save their marriages, post-affair" (p. 9).

These behaviors include:

-- Understanding the wrongness of his unfaithfulness
-- Understanding the depth of pain he has caused his spouse.
-- Three barriers to understanding the damage he has done.
-- How to remain resilient in spite of setbacks during recovery.
-- Being realistic about recovery taking time.
-- Respecting the betrayed spouse by allowing her to set the pace and type of healing needed, such as a temporary separation.
-- Telling the truth about one's unfaithfulness rather than waiting to be discovered.
-- Showing remorse and shame rather than defensiveness.
-- Breaking off all contact with the affair partner, including phone calls, texting, emails, and face-to-face.
-- How to end the affair.
-- Stumbling blocks to severing ties with the affair partner.
-- Undoing the damage from one's lies and rationalizations.
-- Accepting full responsibility for one's affair.
-- Being patient with the betrayed spouse's emotions and time needed to recover.
-- Being more sorry for the betrayed spouse's pain than for one's guilt of unfaithfulness.
-- Growing in expressing true empathy and heartfelt apologies.
-- Doing whatever it takes to rebuild trust.
-- Successfully responding to the betrayed spouse's "triggers".
-- Making amends with your children.
-- Changing your core character.
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on October 6, 2012
I have read everything I can get my hands on over the last two years related to my failure and new commitment as a man, husband and father. I've been to some very good (and expensive) therapy and seminars/conferences. My wife just went with me to a Biblical Intensive Counseling week with Harry Schumburg (Author of "False intimacy" and "Undefiled") Overall, this is the best compact book to understand "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" that I have read.

I read the negative reviews and find it interesting that none were written by those who were betrayed!!
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