Customer Reviews

Helper by Design: God's Perfect Plan for Women in Marriage

5 star:		(5)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

Even though submission is an important topic when discussing marriage, I don't get to it until chapter 9 and it's not the primary topic of this book. "Helper By Design" is about the way that God designed women with certain inclinations and strengths and how they can (and should!) be used in marriage. It's about the image of God in us and how that Trinitarian image translates into the relationship between a husband and wife. It's about how you, if you're a Christian wife, can find purpose and joy in that relationship as you come to know Christ in a more intimate way. If you're sick of fluffy books about marriage that tell you the "10 Steps to a Perfect Marriage (Like Mine!)" then this book is for you.

This is, by far, THE BEST book written on this topic that I have ever read. Elyse lays out God's plan for us starting from "the beginning." I very much appreciate her emphasis on the Scriptures, allowing God to enlighten us through His Word, instead of being convinced by good argument. If you want to know how to live with, love, and support your husband, read this book. If you want to know how your identity fits in with being a "help meet", read this book. If you feel frustrated with your unbelieving, or believing but still growing, spouse, read this book. Elyse paints an incredible picture of women made in God's image. She tears down your defenses, releasing you to explore the truth about who you are meant to be as a wife. Problems will always exist in marriages, but understanding the unique role you have in it, ordained by God, helps you to overcome. As always, there is joy and peace when you do things God's way. Elyse has shown me that marriage insn't something to be endured, but to enjoy. There is hope and happiness even if your spouse isn't perfect. I highly recommend this book, especially as a pastor's wife.

We used this book in a small group setting with 30-45 women. We spent approximately 12 weeks doing one chapter a week. The women began commenting week after week that this book simply transformed their marriages. One reason for the success of the book is it helps women to gain a biblical perspective on their role as "Help Mate" to their husband. Thus instead of focusing on changing their husband, they need to look at their own lives; and see where change needs to take place. Elyse does an excellent job at getting to the heart of the issue.

Elyse Fitzpatrick's Helper By Design addresses the usual list of topics for a book like this---God's purpose for marriage, companionship, communication and submission. Fitzpatrick takes a Biblically in-depth look at what it means for a wife to support and complete her husband.

This book is fairly easy to read and covers well the aspects of a wife's role from Scripture. I always appreciated how the author didn't try to define things on her own or just from her experience, but always asked the question: "What does God say about me as a wife?"

I was refreshed and encouraged as she unfolded many struggles women have in being a godly companion for their husbands. I was often challenged by this book to rethink ways I respond to my own husband. I began to consider how I can be a better helper to him by intentionally seeking to find ways to support him and build him up.

The end of each chapter has a section called "Finding and Fulfilling Your Calling", a list of six to eight questions to help the reader go deeper in their conviction and motivation toward being a godly wife. Many of these questions had verses for further reading and I found that when I really took time to answer them they were helpful at revealing areas I need to work on and things I needed to pray about.

I really liked Fitzpatrick's point in a section called "Common Temptations and Logs In Our Eyes". She writes:

_______________________________________________________

God calls us to fulfill our calling in the very circumstances that

we are in. The only opportunity you have to fulfill your calling

and obey the Lord is in the now. You can't fulfill God's call in the

past or in the future-you've only got today, this minute-to

choose to follow Him or to turn aside.

One of the ways that my sinful heart frequently deceives me is

by tricking me into thinking that, if only my circumstances were

different, if it were just yesterday or tomorrow, I would be obedient.

If only I had a different husband, child, vocation, church, or home,

I would perfectly fulfill God's call. The truth that the Holy Spirit

speaks into this deception is that God has called us to obey Him

with the husband we now have; so in one sense, it doesn't really

matter what he's like.

_______________________________________________________

I was really encouraged by this because I'm tempted to think this sometimes myself. If my circumstances weren't so frustrating I could be more patient, or that if my husband and I could just always agree, then being selfless wouldn't be so hard. But, when I think this I have it all wrong. Trying times or differing opinions are the perfect opportunities for me to obey what the Lord has called me to do.

I have been a little discouraged at some people's attitudes about fulfilling this calling since the birth of my first child, it seems like people are so ready to excuse me from any and all responsibilities as a wife or homemaker, because now I'm a mother. I'm glad I made time to read this book because Fitzpatrick really encouraged me to remember that I am a wife first, mother second. I may by tired from mid-night feedings, but that does not justify a wrong response or a bad attitude. She encouraged me to put all excuses aside and believe that obedience is always possible.

Elyse Fitzpatrick does an excellent job of focussing on what the Bible presents as the primary and secondary roles for women in marriage. First and foremost, women are to reflect and radiate Jesus Christ to others. Then, they are to help their husbands rule, relate, reproduce, reflect, rejoice and rest in the role God has given them. This emphasis permeates the book and makes it vital reading for a woman in the 21st century.

She goes right to the Bible and examines what the true intent of the text in Genesis 2:18 is. As a result, she explains that the word helper means a wife is to be her husband's friend, lover, strength, protector, help and comforter. The rest of the book is devoted to fleshing out what these terms mean in practical ways.

Each chapter closes with a section on Finding & Fulfilling Your Calling, which asks questions designed to help you apply the key points of the chapter. The book is designed to enable each wife become the kind of person God wants her to be and that her husband needs.

Anyone who complains about the way the author covers submission must not be in agreement with the idea that the couple is more important than either of the partners in a marriage. She states, "Submission to your husband flows out of your sincere, faith-filled submission to the Lord."

Throughout the book, Elyse Fitzpatrick shares tidbits from her own life, but the best applications will come from working through the questions at the end of the chapters. In fact, the only reason I didn't give this book 5 stars is that it requires the reader to work through the tough questions about how this would look in her own life, so if you don't take the time to really work through the questions she poses, you won't benefit nearly as much from the book.

Excellent book! Elyse is an amazing writer that is to the point without being harsh or hypocritical. Throughout the 1st few chapters, she explains God's design and purpose for marriage, and then she explains how we as women can live up to that purpose. The questions at the end of each chapter really make you think, and are filled w/ Bible verses and activities that provide biblical support for what she is saying.

I found this book a great tool for learning about how to be the wives God wants us to be. I loved it's easy layout complete with questions and motivational thoughts. It's all right there ready to study without needing a study guide. That is awesome for busy moms like myself who want to set aside time to focus on bettering our marriages. Two thumbs up!

Elyse Fitzpatrick is a new author for me and one of the most sensible on the topic of marriage. This book offers fresh and loving advice to wives, counseling them in how to be supporting and very active partners in marriage. No silent partner here, Fitzpatrick is a woman who sees the strength and grace in a wife's role and how it can affect a marriage.

My rating is only absent one star because there were a few points in the book that conflicted with me. The author blessedly only devotes one chapter to submission and, though her advice is still practical for the most part, there were hit and miss points. Fitzpatrick first explains what submission is not and, to my great relief, explained that it is NOT just for wives. She quotes the passage in the Bible telling us to submit to each other out of reverence for Christ and explains that it is an act all Christians are required to do for each other, thus presenting the concept of mutual submission. She also confirms that submission does not always mean agreeing with your husband because he is a fallible human and makes mistakes like everyone.

The "miss" part of her advice in regards to submission came when she advised wives what to do if their husbands asked them to do something they didn't like. She said, "If you have prayed about the matter and your husband still persists in his actions, you are obligated to support and obey him." (I was upset about the term "obey", until I realized she was using it in the immediate sense and not the general sense). I do not at all agree with this. If your husband wants you to do something you don't want to, you should not have to go along with it anyway just because it isn't sinful; this is not a child/parent relationship. I think you should still support your husband, but if it's something that affects you and you truly don't like it, you are not obligated to do it. Connie Grisgsby handles this issue better in her book "The Politically Incorrect Wife."

The other point of Fitzpatricke's advice I didn't like in this chapter was when she said not to worry about doing something you don't like. She said, "It is a great comfort to me that even if my husband does something wrong, God's will is still being done". How does she figure that? Of course I trust that God's sovereignity can bring good things out of bad, but this will never give me license to be at ease if something wrong is occuring.

For the most part, this book is helpful and sensible. Fitzpatrick speaks in a reasoning and counseling tone, avoiding either patronizing or harshly judgemental tones. There are a few points you might not like, but the book as a whole could be a real gem to your marriage. Elyse Fitzpatrick knows the greatness of a woman's soul and encourages you to use it to the fullest!