The mourning of a parent's death can take many years—for some it may take a lifetime. The first year of separation, however, is often the most difficult and heart wrenching. The first birthday, holiday, spring, summer, autumn, and winter spent without the loved one often revives or increases the pain. This unique guide is organized according to a timeline of a child's first year of mourning the loss of a parent. It is a warm, insightful, yet practical guide to help the families and community members surrounding a child who has suffered such a loss to anticipate and cope with the many difficulties that arise. Practical suggestions for providing comfort, information, and advice are provided for adults struggling to help children endure the trauma. A range of difficult situations that bereaved children encounter are identified, helping to prepare adults for a child's potential reactions and providing them with realistic coping strategies.
Lewis and Lippman, child psychologists who have provided therapy to children who have lost a parent, suggest answers to questions that these children frequently ask. They offer methods for dealing with particularly difficult times such as birthdays, and share practical advice for everyday situations and events. They begin with helping the child through anticipation of death, if it is expected, or through the initial shock of unexpected death. Poignant vignettes from the therapists' experience dealing with young and older children are included.
"A must read for teachers, guidance counselors, coaches and anyone else in the teaching profession because it is an essential and long-overdue guide. So many times we wonder how we should try to help or what we should say to young people facing this difficult situation. With help from Drs. Lewis and Lippman, this unsure path becomes clear."-Donna Pellar, Vice President and Past President Maine Township School Board, District 207
Book Description
Organized around a timeline of the first year of mourning, this warm yet practical guide will show adults how to help children cope.
Paddy was born on December 5th, 1945 in what was then Pretoria, the capital of the Union of South Africa (a British colony that enjoyed "commonwealth" status), to Jack Greenwall (a real estate developer) and Sylvia Hofman Greenwall (a housewife and the daughter of a prominent real estate developer).
From her earliest childhood Paddy was noted for three things: her intelligence (she began her academic career by sharing top honours for first grade with Tricia Kuttner), her good looks (on returning to South Africa for a holiday, the January 3rd, 1976 edition of the Pretoria News subtitled its photo of her with the caption, "The beauty is a doctor"), and her profound empathy for the African People. Her natural intelligence and empathy for the less fortunate was nurtured by the nuns of her school (the Anglican St. Mary's Diocesan School for Girls), her charismatic uncle, Colin Hofman (an engineer who spoke several indigenous languages), and both her beloved nanny Martha Sisulu and a member of the family staff, Paul Marula.
While her compassion, empathy, and intelligence were both innate and strongly encouraged by her family and primary school, their direction was given its adult form at the University of the Witwatersrand. At Wits, she became (along with her lifelong friend, Lynn Kirsch) passionately involved in the fight for the rights of Africans. She also, having observed peers who had been largely raised by their nannies turn into racists who told "kaffir" jokes, became enthralled by the social sciences as a way to explain human behavior - behavior that she had frequently found both detestable and inexplicable. Finally, it was at Wits that she first came across the books of a man who was to have the most profound effect on her life: Bruno Bettelheim.
Fascinated by Bettelheim's personal experiences as a holocaust survivor and by his work with autistic children, she wrote to him. He replied and a correspondence ensued that culminated in his offering her both a job as a counselor at the Orthogenic School (which he then ran) and a place in the University of Chicago's Ph.D. program (where he was a professor). Thrilled by the opportunity of working with a world renowned author, the flattery of "Dr. B's" letters, and the possibility of living in a country she had found glamorous and exciting, Paddy enthusiastically accepted Bettelheim's offer.
Uncharacteristically, she quickly wrote back to decline the offer. She explained that her long-time boyfriend, Nolan Lewis, had just graduated from medical school and proposed to her. Since she was uncertain what their plans were, she was very grateful but would be unable to move to Chicago. Somewhat naively she expressed the hope that she and "Dr. B" could continue their correspondence. Bettelheim, who had already arranged her visa and residence at "International House," was understandably cool in his response.
After marrying Nolan, Paddy continued to find the quotidian scenes of poverty and brutality that South Africa presented deeply distressing. Fortunately, her husband got into the surgical residency program at Michael Reese Hospital in Chicago. Armed with this knowledge, she wrote back to Bettelheim, was accepted into the doctoral program at the University of Chicago, and packed her bags for America.
She found her new home exhilarating, intellectually stimulating, and morally ego-syntonic. At that time the University of Chicago's social science programs had produced more Nobel Laureates than any other university on earth. She realized with wonder that the Professor Davis who was delivering a sociology lecture happened to be the very same Professor Davis who's texts had been her setworks in South Africa - a distinct irony since the Davis of "Davis & Dollard" fame would have been less than welcome in South Africa as the Dr. Davis who was also black. But for Paddy that was the essential thing about the U of C, not only was it an excellent academic institution, but it was also one that physically stood in the middle of a well integrated area: Hyde Park.
While Paddy was thrilled with Hyde Park's cultural life, with the new friends who shared her values, interests, and passions, she began to grow more detached from her husband. Although their marriage had already produced a son, Peter, her husband's intense residency coupled with her own work first at the Orthogenic School, then on her research requirements, and finally on her dissertation caused them to grow apart. Frankly, her husband's decision to pursue a further residency in reconstructive plastic surgery (at Loyola) coupled with her own post-doctoral internship and externship at Reese left their marriage strained. Obviously their lives were growing apart.
The strain in their marriage became exacerbated when her mother, one of the few people in her circle of confidantes who supported her husband, died unexpectedly of cancer. This shocking event reverberated throughout the rest of her life. First, it provided the death blow to her marriage as Paddy found her husband insufficiently supportive, second it provided the catalyst for her first book as she wanted to help other "children" who had lost their parents. Finally, it provided her with a template for how she wanted to deal with her own cancer, not by mindlessly seeking quantity of life to the exclusion of all other concerns, but by seeking out doctors (such as Harvard's Paul Richardson and Evanston's Lynn Kaminer) who would balance the benefits of the latest protocols with their likely side-effects.
Although she had lost her mother and her marriage had ended, Paddy continued to find fulfillment in her friends, her son, and her career. After starting as a staff psychologist at Reese, within two years she was promoted to be the Chief Psychologist of the Siegal Institute - an institution that employed audiologists, speech therapists, psychiatrists, and psychologists in a multidisciplinary approach to addressing the needs of children with auditory, development, speech and language issues. By the end of her ten years as Chief Psychologist, she had taken a psychology division that initially consisted of only 3 psychologists into a section that had more than 15 full time doctoral level psychologists, countless post-doc students, and a first-rate reputation.
Having done what she set out to do, she moved on. Physically she moved on to Evanston, an integrated suburban community that sits in the shadow of Northwestern University. Professionally she moved into private practice, developing a thriving practice that fulfilled her career goals while giving her the flexibility to spend more time with her friends, her son, her garden, and travelling. Emotionally she moved on by writing, both the books with Jessica Lippman that she chose to publish, and the short stories, character studies, observations, and diary entries that she chose to keep private. Finally, just before her 59th birthday she was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, the cancer that killed her on September 7th, 2008, before she could turn 63.
9 of 10 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 starsAn affirming book for a most difficult time, February 28, 2004
By A Customer
This review is from: Helping Children Cope with the Death of a Parent: A Guide for the First Year (Contemporary Psychology) (Hardcover)
This book -- long overdue -- is one that every adult should read -- or at least know how to get their hands on in an emergency.
We never know when we'll be in a position to help a child cope with the death of a parent -- as well-meaning as we might be, we may feel ill-equipped when it comes to responding sensitively and practically during a devastating crisis. This book supports adults (surviving parents, extended family, teachers, counselors, clergy, coaches, etc.) who are looking for useful and positive guidance.
Even adults who are reflecting on their own childhood loss of a parent will find comfort and insights from this book.
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