Customer Reviews

Her Way: Young Women Remake the Sexual Revolution

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Intelligently and objectively--and with considerable wit and in a fun and playful manner-- presents the sexual choices women have and the positives and negatives of each. No choice is without its merits and adverse side effects; and these may change as the person grows older. In a nonsensationalistic way, the author covers many segments of our society and compares and contrasts the viewpoints and perspectives of each. She relates her own work with those of others, including those of noted scholars. Her mission is to educate and enable the reader to make choices customized for each individual. One size does NOT fit all.

In "Her Way," Paula Kamen shows how women are rewriting the sexual script, both the traditional one and the one edited by their mothers in the sexual revolution. She assesses her interviews with a wide variety of young women in the context of a sexual culture that has become increasingly diverse. She finds that more women are making decisions about sexual activity based on their own needs, not those of any man or of sexual prescriptions from others. The women do not follow any single new script. Kamen finds, for example, that religion frames some women's choices about sex, while others set out to break away from the sexual rules they were taught as girls. She concludes, however, that while women have a greater say in their sex lives, they are not yet equal partners in a conversation about sex with men. Bisexual and lesbian women fare better, but they too must live in a sexual culture that caters to the heterosexual man.
Still, she is optimistic because the process of change is ongoing.
Kamen's fluid writing style is a pleasure to read. Anyone who is, knows, teaches, or parents a young woman should check "Her Way" out.

I loved Paula Kamen's first book "Feminist Fatale," which probed the reluctance of young women to call themselves feminist, even though they supported feminist ideas and goals. "Her Way" is also extremely interesting. Kamen interviewed lots of young women and argues that they are rewriting many of the old sexist scripts -- at work, in relationships, in bed. She finds them assertive, independent and energetic, with high expectations for equality and intimacy, sexually frank and in control of their lives to an unprecedented extent. A well-written, optimistic portrait of a generation that doesn't usually get such good press!

"Her Way" is must read for women and men!

I have to agree with the reviewer below that there is much "back patting" in this book that is based on very spurious statistics and Cosmo-like surveys. It use to be said that men suffered from a tender male ego, but evidently a good number of women suffer from the feminine equivlent, where such books as Kamen's paints women with a great need of validation and requiring the kind of fragile, adolescent compliments that elates weak minds.

The book as a whole is indeed written with that kind of insecurity whose hope is to have the kinds of claims Kamen makes be automatically accepted whole sale by the masses to assuage whatever fear of male advantage that women like Kamen unwitting and ironically are arguing men have over women--whether it be sexual or non-sexual.

Additionally, the pro-female tone is more than merely pro women but housing a female supremacy quality that can only serve to distance men from whichever woman would be constantly putting the kinds of demands on men that Kamen claims women now expect and demand--and indeed often do.

What is offensive for me as a man is the underlying assumption that the book is based on: that men must set the directives of women's needs and wants inside and outside of the bedroom, thus constraining women's lives. Kamen then goes on to argue that women have become more like men sexually and then continues from there to back peddle and say that although women are becoming more alike to men, they are still proceeding in a uniquely "female" manner. The attempt to reconcile these two incompatible claims, however, prove more affected than believable.

Whether man or a woman, and regardless of sexual orientation, who wants to have "demands" of any kind placed on them? In virtually every matter of life individuals must come to terms with not only their own needs and desires but those of others. Contentions naturally arise and comprimises must be made. This is true in sex as well of other areas of living. Kamen, however, conveniently ignores these more practical considerations and instead presents a very one-sided picture, which not surprisingly places women in the superior role of having her expectations given, while somehow male expectations and desires should be supplanted. Moreover, adding insult to injury, she claims that women are still wanting of equality in all considerations. Whatever...

Every male that I know who has read this book has been irritated by its comments and claims, and that should tell women like Kamen that far from bringing the sexes together as she claims, she serves as a diversive agent between men and women.

This book is not even worth the time.

After reading this book I had to so: "So what? What were you trying to prove?" Women are more sexual. Women are more demanding. Women are more in control. Women have more power. *yawn* Women have more education. Women now make more money. Women are very more independent... And women can tie their own shoes and women can whipe their own noses. Hallelujua. Momma's going to hang that special report card with the gold star on her refrigerator for all the world to see.

Once you get pass the rather drawn-out go-grrl self-congratulatory back-patting and actually look further into what is often claimed in the book and contrast it with common experience, you notice that there are many questionable statistics proffered as well as insulting inconsistencies between the tone of the book and the said want for equal partners with men--sexually and otherwise. For instance, Kamen alleges that today's college women are more sexual then their male peers. She states this "fact" from a survey she had done and with a see-we-women-are-sexually-more-powerful-now-than-men bathos. Less than a decade ago while a freshman in college I can recall the infamous sex survey that alleged a majority of men said they would rape a woman if they thought they could get away with it. It ended up that many of the male respondants were unaware that is what they were answering positively to, for the surveyor, in some zanny interpretation of the survey, interpreted rape as even when a male presisted his own sexual wants and needs on a reluctant woman. By this definition, I've been repeatedly raped by several girl friends who wanted sex when I was not in the mood, and similarly I am a repeat sex offender. I am reminded of that famous Walt Witman line, "All historians are liars or else dependent on other liars for their 'facts'." A survey can be constructed to obtain any desirable "facts" that support an alleged changed thinking or way. Kaman is not a statitician, and given feminists habit of playing loose with the facts or making them up entirely (remember Ms Gloria S's false factoid that a sharp increase in wife battering accompanies Superball playoffs a few years back?), one has to question, particularly the tendentacious tone of Kaman, how accurate her so-called "facts" are.

Second, the author claims that women want men at their sides as partners and best friends that will treat them as equals and not subject them to a supposed "male script" of sex, but virtually in the same breath she say tauts a female supremist flag-waving by making, as one reviewer of the book enjoyed, appeal to a bumper sticker that reads: "Women who strive to be equal to men aren't ambitious enough."

Please. Enough of this childish display. Kaman keeps pushing the now-we-girls-are-in-charge agenda and seriously believes it ends there. She ignores that men are by no means static and have over the years taken full advantage of the wannabe Alley McBeals, Felicity's, and Sex and the City's Samanthas, whose appalling vanity can be easily played to serve male agenda.. Men have become exquisitely fine-tuned in this furtive manipulation of female vanity. And as much as Kaman wishes to push out the sterotypical "male locker room talk" with a "female locker room" spirit, she is woefully ignorant of modern male sexual behavior and habits. For on thing, such talk of sex does not occur in the locker for men. Women would be sorely disappointed to know that junk bonds and trading tips on consolidating loans and lowering your CC APR rating are more often the subject matter. Juvenile let-me-impress-my-friends-with-sex-talk antics died out in junior high school. Today, sadly, women are not as interesting--and often prove to be emotionally equivlent to children, where the moment "her way" is not met, the male is declared being unreasonable, misogynistic, or yet alleged to be worse things. There is an insecurity and puerility in such women as these, where once they have served a certain useful sexual purpose of entertainment, soon become utterly boring and insufferable to be around. In short, men have learned to become astute, silent students of the arts of women and have learned to get "his way" by placating the "her way" women Kaman is so fond of. When a man becomes indeed a man, he wants a real woman, and not some child at his side who must have her little way 24/7 and stomp her sweet proverbial foot until she gets it or declare that she's gone. Men finally (especially the 20-somethings of today) are far less chivalrous today and have learned to easily end relationships when their own expectations are not being met and have few if any qualms walking out the door.

Lastly, there is an undeniabe sad spiritual vacancy and jaded sexuality in many of our youth today that Kaman is either wholly unaware of or is thinking is cause for celebration. Sex is great and wonderful--and to be sure important and life affirming. But it is not the panacea Kaman purports. Often sex is used to drown out the awareness of those other essential ingrediants to a fulfilling life that are lacking. In her We-We, sex-is-all-laden bathos, Kaman proves far more a simplistic child than a mature woman. Indeed baby, you still have a long way to go. I wish I could say men don't, and far from being a token gesture of good will to the kinds of women Kaman champions, men too have a long way still to go. The puerile attitude that Kaman favors, however, will be certain to keep both men and women more akin as boys and girls. Screwing ourselves into some blissful forgetfulness and fantasia of so-called "liberation" is simplistic and only for those afraid of anything of deeper worth or depth of sexual spiritual maturity.