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He's History, You're Not: Surviving Divorce After 40 [Paperback]

Erica Manfred , Tina Tessina PhD
4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (38 customer reviews)

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Book Description

May 5, 2009

In He’s History, You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After 40, Erica Manfred shares her own divorce experience, as well as the advice of experts, with specific sections tailored to women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s.

 

Manfred was left for a younger woman in 2003, and eventually learned to both survive and thrive.  After educating herself in the areas many women have barely even thought of when considering divorce, she is the kind of girlfriend a woman needs when facing both menopause and the trauma of divorce.  She can help save divorcees lots of anguish, and lots of cash.

 

HE’S HISTORY, YOU’RE NOT discusses how to:

·         Avoid “kiss of death” marriage counselors to determine if reconciliation is possible.

·         Find an affordable divorce lawyer who does not snort scornfully at the word “mediation.”

·         Survive the first, worst, year.

·         Deal with your adult or teen kids (who can be just as devastated as small children).

·         Get back to work or find a new career.  (Age discrimination does not have to stop you.)

·         Use the Internet to date the Viagra generation.

·         Restore your self-esteem despite body parts that have succumbed to gravity.

·         Forgive the bastard (and yourself) and finally move on…and much more.


Frequently Bought Together

He's History, You're Not: Surviving Divorce After 40 + Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You + The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life
Price for all three: $35.79

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Editorial Reviews

Review

Divorce is the loss of a relationship and the death of dreams. It is also a beginning with new hope and possibility. Reading He’s History, You’re Not is like having a friend on your side to help you let go of the past, get through the turmoil, and turn to a better future.”  —Abigail Trafford, author of Crazy Time and As Time Goes By: Boomerang Marriages, Serial Spouses, Throwback Couples, and Other Romantic Adventures in an Age Of Longevity

“Erica Manfred wants to be your best girlfriend, the one who stands by your side every step of the way through the tsunami of divorce. And, with this book, she succeeds. But not only is she a best girlfriend, she’s a smart girlfriend offering great advice on emotional, legal, financial, and spiritual matters, thoroughly researched and referenced for those who want to dig deeper—and for later, when it’s time to move on, she offers advice on Internet dating as well. Best of all, Manfred herself has walked every inch of the divorce plank and with disarming honesty lets us see her own successes and failures on the road back to sanity. A must read for anyone contemplating a divorce or going through one.”  —Susan Richards, author of Chosen by a Horse and Chosen Forever

“Erica Manfred’s He’s History You’re Not is for every woman who suffers the anguish of a ruptured relationship. Having survived and surmounted the pain of her own divorce, Manfred is every reader’s ‘wise friend,’ sharing her own story and the fund of knowledge she accrued along the way so the rest of us need never feel ‘alone’ or believe we can’t survive. For we can; and we do, as Manfred teaches us, inevitably emerge the stronger for it.”  —Florence Falk, Ph.D., psychotherapist, and author of On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone

“Erica Manfred’s book is exactly what it sets out to be: the warm, witty, gritty, kind, and very knowing friend who’s forged ahead, through a forbidding place, and blazed the trail before you. It’s packed with information, beautifully organized, and full of funny, poignant, and inspiring stories. It is, in the truest sense, a companion volume, the book you’ll want to keep beside you as you forge your own new life.”   —Noelle (Fintushel) Oxenhandler, author of The Wishing Year: A House, A Man, My Soul and coauthor of A Grief Out of Season: When Your Parents Divorce in Your Adult Years

 

 “This is one of the few divorce books that addresses the fact that divorce has a different meaning at every age. Manfred is so candid about her own divorce as ‘a woman of a certain age’ that readers are sure to feel they’ve found a wise friend to see them through the trauma of divorce and help them discover their postdivorce selves. I wish I’d had this book when I went through my divorce.”  —Theo Pauline Nestor, author of How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed: A Memoir of Starting Over

 

“Erica Manfred turned a bad situation into great lessons for other women going through midlife divorce. Her honesty and her ability to find the humor in her experiences make this book a fun yet constructive read."  —Daylle Deanna Schwartz, author of Nice Girls Can Finish First

 

He’s History, You’re Not is like sitting down with an older sister who has already gone through a divorce and can guide you around the pitfalls. Manfred offers a unique, and desperately needed, take on divorce for mature women. Her advice is money-smart, wise, and on target. A straight talking, clear-eyed, and savvy guide, this is required reading for the over-forty divorcee.”   —Brette Sember, J.D., author of The Complete Divorce Handbook and The Divorce Organizer & Planner

 

“Divorce is different for women in their forties, fifties, and sixties, and Erica Manfred addresses those special concerns head-on, from grieving to finances to dating and sex. Manfred spills her guts, disclosing even embarrassing experiences with emotional nakedness. Her tips are invaluable, and her candor will make you feel she’s your best friend sharing her mistakes so you don’t have to make them. Through it all, she even manages to be laugh-out-loud funny!”   —Joan Price, author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty

 

He’s History, You’re Not needed to be written at least a decade ago (or, at least, before my own divorce happened). It’s a fun (!), fresh, and practical approach to surviving the big break-up—a must read for anyone over forty, at any stage of the divorce process, whether about to be divorced, just divorced, long divorced, or even just thinking about divorce (wives of certain prominent politicians, take note). Manfred’s first-hand tale is compelling not only for its details, but also for the very specific and practical advice she hands out. As an attorney of more than twenty-five years, I will be handing out copies of Manfred’s book along with a pack of tissues to all of my female divorce clients. And, maybe to the male clients, too, since many of the tips would work for either gender.”  —Susan Ellis Wild, coauthor of The Unofficial Guide to Divorce

 

From the Back Cover

A savvy, girlfriend-to-girlfriend guide to what to do after your marriage ends
 
Surviving the first—worst—year

 
You and your divorce lawyer
 
Living alone and liking it

Dating again
 
Forgiving the bastard and moving on

Product Details

  • Paperback: 320 pages
  • Publisher: GPP Life; First edition (May 5, 2009)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0762751355
  • ISBN-13: 978-0762751358
  • Product Dimensions: 5.5 x 0.9 x 8.7 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 12.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (38 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #61,026 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

I'm a freelance writer whose mother used to introduce her as "This is my daughter Erica, the expert in practically everything." I guess that's how I wound up writing about subjects as diverse as divorce and Jewish vampires (not to speak of dentistry, fat fashions and psychics)

He's History You're Not was a case of making lemonade out of lemons. I turned a really nasty divorce into a book that would help other older women who had gone through divorces--nasty or not. My motto: Writing well is the best revenge.

Interview With a Jewish Vampire was originally meant to be a humor piece but an agent suggested I turn it into a book. I intially said, "Oh no, that's impossible." I couldn't think of a way to write a whole book about a Jewish vampire. But I was egged on by my writer's critique group, who loved the idea and waited breathlessly to hear the latest installment of the adventures of Rhoda and Sheldon every week. I plan a series about them. The next installment will be: "True Kosher Blood," about Rhoda and Sheldon moving to the Catskills.

Brought up by Jewish parents who spoke Yiddish but avoided religion, I got my Jewish education at the Woodstock Jewish Congregation which welcomes Jews from all backgrounds, from atheist to Orthodox. I hope they'll let me rejoin next year after reading Interview With a Jewish Vampire.

My website is www.ericamanfred.com

Customer Reviews

4.7 out of 5 stars
(38)
4.7 out of 5 stars
I recommend this book highly for any woman in my and Ms. Manfred's situation. L. Wallace-Lee  |  14 reviewers made a similar statement
Her online dating advice is also good. Jocelyn Demuth  |  7 reviewers made a similar statement
She talks about why older women, in particular, need good divorce lawyers and good financial advice. Bridget Mintz Testa  |  7 reviewers made a similar statement
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
153 of 154 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Not As Relevant for "Younger" 40-something Moms March 12, 2010
Format:Paperback
I bought this book with a lot of excitement - I am 40 and recently divorced and was excited to find a book geared towards me.

First, the good things - the book is thorough. It is well written and easy to read. The author is a good writer and the book is entertaining. It includes chapters on many different aspects of divorce that women need to consider. Over all, I think it is very good.

But, I did not find the book relevant to my own situation for several reasons.

1. This book is geared specifically towards women who have older or grown children. If you have young children, this book is not really as relevant to your situation. Since many women delay childbearing these days, there are many women in their 40s who still have young children [me included]. They won't find the help they need in this book. This book just really emphasized to me how very different the two situations are - a mother of older children who is abandoned vs a mother of very young children who is abandoned.

2. The author seemed to have had a TON of support from endless patient, loving, devoted friends. She lists a whole bunch of different kinds of "friends" that you are supposed to have to help you through all the different aspects of the divorce. If you are like me and found most of your friends jumping ship the moment your husband ran off, [not out of malice necessarily, but just because they were uncomfortable or did not feel a kinship with you any longer], then you may find this advice as depressing as I did. I think there are a lot of women out there like me who do not have much support at all in coping with their divorce. Those women aren't going to find the support they need in this book either.

3. The author went through a really bad divorce and she was still pretty angry at her Ex, or so it seems from what she wrote. It is completely understandable of course. On the one hand, it makes her someone you can definitely relate to. But on the other hand, I thought the book would have had more value and would have been more helpful if she had been a little farther along in her own recovery process and more beyond her own bitterness. I hope, personally, that one day I will be able to think of my Ex husband without extreme anger and that feeling of sickness at what he's done [I'm not there yet, at all]. I would have appreciated more mentoring on how to get there. The last chapter in the book is called "forgiving the bastard and moving on", but I did not find it helpful. The author admits in that chapter that she herself hasn't managed to forgive her Ex and the chapter falls flat - you can't get good advice on how to do something from someone who has never done it themselves, unfortunately.

4. There was also a subtle "class division" in this book, I felt. As a mother who is flat broke and truly struggling every day just to keep an actual roof over my children's heads, I did not get the sense that the author had really had to deal with any "real" financial hardship at this level - I think she was very well off and while the divorce certainly left her less well off [it always does, doesn't it?], I don't get the sense that she could really relate to what a lot of single mothers go through as far as real poverty and the fear that comes from not knowing how you will provide for your babies. Again, that is no flaw in the author [I'm glad she hasn't been there], but the book does not cover the sort of advice mothers in a less financially stable situation really need.

So, I think if you are an older woman with older children [or no children] and lots of support, this book will most likely be helpful to you. If you are a younger woman with young children, this is probably not the best book for you [check out "Raising Great Kids On Your Own" and "Moving Forward After Divorce" by Frisbie].

I think, honestly, that this book would have been more appropriately titled "Surviving Divorce After 50" because it really is geared over all more towards that age group and beyond.

And I do want to emphasize - this is NOT a bad book by any means. Over all it is a very good book. It is just more relevant to certain women and less relevant to others.
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38 of 39 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
Erica Manfred wants her book to be a smart girlfriend for over-40 women going through a divorce, and she's succeeded with "He's History; You're Not." In eleven chapters, Manfred covers everything an older women needs to know about divorce. She talks movingly about that first awful year after a divorce and how to get through it. She also covers couple therapies that work, noting that many "marriage" counselors have no clue--which is what I've found, too. She talks about why older women, in particular, need good divorce lawyers and good financial advice. She delves into loneliness and how to cope with it. For older women who are afraid of winding up as bag ladies, she reassures and provides smart work strategies. She talks about the effect of divorce on children, both those still in the home and those who have their own lives. Tip-Don't expect your adult children to be your sounding boards. Though Manfred doesn't recommend brooding on your marriage, she explains why and how you need to analyze what went wrong. There's a chapter on re-inventing yourself, especially applicable for women who somehow never did what they really wanted when married. She talks about dating for over-40 women, with lots of tips on using the Net and a few Net-free ideas, too. The last two chapters talk about the after-effects of infidelity (his) and why you don't have to forgive your ex-husband if you don't want to. The book ends with a great resource section. If you're a woman over 40 facing divorce, and you've been married most of your adult life, this is definitely the book for you.

Bridget Mintz Testa
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23 of 23 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Fantastic Validation and Support May 4, 2009
Format:Paperback
Thank God Erica Manfred wrote this book, echoing and validating what we're really thinking when going through a divorce, especially one prompted by infidelity.

This is the most complete picture I've gotten of what happens. Thank You for these chapters: Grieving is a full-time job; What the hell happened to your marriage; Reinventing yourself; Forgiving the bastard and moving on.

And it's an enjoyable read, even when you're coping with devastation.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars An Invaluable Resource
My friend was going through a divorce after 30 years of marriage and was reading this book. I bought the book because I wanted to be able to discuss it with her. Read more
Published 14 days ago by Anonymous
4.0 out of 5 stars Informative
Good book with lots of insight...the author has lived it and that helps....Sound, soild advice...divorce is hard...she makes it a lot easier.
Published 1 month ago by Pamala Santos
4.0 out of 5 stars Book Review
This is a good book to read on getting over a break up after forty. There is life after divorce!
Published 1 month ago by Lori Meyer
5.0 out of 5 stars He's History!!!!
A definite read for a woman (& maybe man) going through a divorce. I highly recommend this book - -.
Published 2 months ago by AnnieB
4.0 out of 5 stars Helpful Book for Those Going Through a Divorce after a Certain Age
I found this book helpful in that it addresses issues for those past 50 cope with divorce and recovering with specific recommendation for those of us in middle age. Read more
Published 2 months ago by Ellen
4.0 out of 5 stars good info
good thoughts, made me laugh and cry; liked all the helpful information although some was no longer useful as I was past that stage.
Published 2 months ago by Leslye Milton
5.0 out of 5 stars VERY UPLIFTING
I read this book trying to find anything to help my daughter get through her divorce. I loved it. Even if you are not over 40 it has great examples and advice.
Published 2 months ago by Diane Shelley
5.0 out of 5 stars Saved My Life
After my husband of 20 years announced he was leaving, I went to the bookstore and found this book. Read more
Published 3 months ago by Jocelyn Demuth
5.0 out of 5 stars loved this book
The author will make you feel alot better about going through late life divorce...She is humorous and hits the nail on the head with the feelings experienced for one going through... Read more
Published 4 months ago by Sheila DiGiuseppe
4.0 out of 5 stars Overall a very good book.
The book had some excellent points but some aspects did not apply to my particular case. I skimmed through the parts that didn't apply, and thoroughly enjoyed the parts that did. Read more
Published 5 months ago by Diane D
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